If you're a fan of Rush Limbaugh, move on...

Blogs are supposed to be opinionated, and my opinion skews heavily towards the left. It's just a fact. This usually manifests itself in harmless jabs and swipes at Fox News (or Faux News) and the occasional glancing blow at Sarah Palin (be she ever so reprehensibly stupid). I love my GOP-loyal readers, I just respectfully disagree with most of them (the rest of them I disrespectfully disagree with). So it is with great sorrow that I stand before you (or sit before you in text form) to tell you that Deadline is reporting that producer Paul Colford is shopping a Rush Limbaugh biopic. My thoughts are best summarized by fake James Carville.



But that's not enough, folks. It's time for that tradition I haven't partaken of in far too long....it's time for...

25 THINGS I'D RATHER DO THAN WATCH A RUSH LIMBAUGH BIOPIC

1.) Who wants to try my new razor-blade air mattress?
2.) Sauerkraut Popsicle? Don't mind if I do!
3.) I have our weekend planned, honey. It's just you, me, mom, and dad and this copy of Showgirls.
4.) You know what, I think I'm going to buy this whole Ke$ha album.
5.) Wait, let me at least try the month-old milk before you throw it out.
6.) Of course your 13-year-old cousin can have her Twilight-themed slumber party over here!
7.) Why wouldn't I want you to invite your Jewish friend to my Palestinian boss's party?
8.) I can't see too well in my comic book closet, could you hand me that open flame?
9.) Ain't no party like a certified public accountant party, because a certified public account party is responsible!
10.) Trust me, I saw it on "Mythbusters."
11.) I Ryan, take you Lindsay Lohan, to be my lawful wife.
12.) But how am I going to know for sure that it's toxic if I don't at least eat some of it?
13.) I don't hear a rattling sound. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go walk barefoot by those desert rocks.
14.) I'm telling you, pee is sterile.
15.) Dear George Lucas, I was thinking you could tinker just a little bit more with Empire Strikes Back.
16.) And I'm telling you, parachute pants never went OUT of style.
17.) I'll just roll when I hit the ground, nothing will break.
18.) Sure, everyone else seems to like this "Glee" show, how bad can it be?
19.) I'm investing it all in BP stock.
20.) Sure, I'll go. But why do they abbreviate it NAMBLA?
21.) It works better if you snort it.
22.) I'm just going to take advice from the first person who responds to this post.
23.) I say let Ratner direct it!
24.) I just hired Charlie Sheen as my life coach.
25.) I can't find the remote, but at least the TV's stuck on Vh1!

I could go on forever with this, but the moral of the story is obvious: Rush Limbaugh is a racist, sexist, insulting moron with the soul of a demon and the body of a woman considered beautiful in Victorian times.

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Adam Sandler prompts another list

I'll cut right to it, according to Variety, Adam "Son of a bitch" Sandler is going to star in the romantic comedy Jack and Jill as both Jack AND Jill. Oh, and it's going to be written by Steven "I hate things that are good" Koren, who wrote Evan Almighty and Click. If you made it through that description, congratulations! You can probably ride in one of those Blue Angels fighter planes without goin' all yakety sax. Me, I've lost my lunch and whatever tiny shred of respect I had for Adam "Total waste of human resources" Sandler. It's been awhile, but this warrants it.

25 Better Ideas Than Jack and Jill

1.) "Hey, boss, what about Assless Chaps Fridays?"
2.) "I'm just saying, if you scrape it off, it probably won't grow back."
3.) "Who's up for a 'Two and a Half Men' marathon?"
4.) "When you ask him out, mention that you no longer have a uterus."
5.) "I'm about 87% sure I can drive the rest of the way home backwards."
6.) "Hey, hold this while I light it on fire."
7.) "So you're saying you can pierce my actual testicle."
8.) "Damn the experts, I'm investing my money in Segways."
9.) "Eat this. Now, did it taste poisoned?"
10.) "I think this is the year the Cubs win it all."
11.) "That bull is totally eyeballin' me. I'm going to punch its horn."
12.) "Who's up for a 'Ghost Whisperer' marathon?"
13.) "I'll just say I want kids now, and we'll work it out after the wedding."
14.) "I'm going to try Parkour! Here, hold my asthma inhaler."
15.) "I'm sure that if I just used logic, O'Reilly would totally back down."
16.) "Pee on it. Don't argue, just pee on it."
17.) "Just set those laptops down on my pile of magnets."
18.) "I don't know, I suppose a third person could really spice things up. Kelsey Grammar?!"
19.) "Who's up for a 'NCIS,' 'NCIS: LA,' 'CSI,' 'CSI: Miami,' 'CSI: New York' marathon?!"
20.) "I'm sure you'll make it. You can jump like 30 feet, right?"
21.) "I think I'll become Facebook friends with Grandma! This decision can never come back to haunt me!"
22.) "Yes, I'm okay to drive. Now, is this my key or am I holding a parrot?"
23.) "Hey Officer Fatty McFat Pants, betcha can't catch me."
24.) "Just go in there and tell those teenaged girls that Robert Pattenson ISN'T coming."
25.) "Girls love it when you ask them out using a fake talking body part."

Jessica Alba joins stupid franchise, I mock her

Variety is reporting that Jessica Alba, she of nonexistent talent, is going to star in the next Meet the Parents sequel, tentatively titled The Little Fokker. So, on the one hand, at least it's something I don't care about she will ruin next. On the other, I'm bored and it's a slow news week, so that means, I now give to you......



25 Jobs Jessica Alba Should Have

1.) Mime on fire
2.) Murderer-suicider who kills Megan Fox in a tragic, double-naked, live broadcast
3.) Spoiled food tester
4.) Living tongue donor
5.) Shark speed assessor
6.) Garbage disposal jam remover
7.) St. Louis Cardinal second baseman
8.) Movie critic assigned only Jessica Alba movies
9.) Experimental mermaid-tail-graft plastic surgery test subject
10.) Speed bump
11.) Person who has to tell Tyler Perry he's overexposed
12.) Scientology nun (Scientolonun?)
13.) Final ingredient in best cannibal soup EVER
14.) High-school sex-ed teacher
15.) Post-graduate sex-ed teacher
16.) Sex-ed teacher who specializes in people who play World of Warcraft
17.) Coat rack
18.) Topless ninja
19.) Chair
20.) Getter of whatever thing it is you forgot in your car on the cold, cold night
21.) Pillow
22.) Replacement for Jay Leno
23.) Tester of injection that may or may not give superhuman abilities
24.) Proofreader of Stephanie Meyer first drafts
25.) Former actress

Heyooooooo. What zingers! God this is a slow week. I'll be back later (maybe) with a Zombieland review (it was good). If not, catch you tomorrow.