Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Yes, I've heard that Disney bought Marvel. No, I have not yet killed myself.

This image is one I found at Slashfilm.com and I kind of love it.

Disney Marvel

Look, I know how it sounds. When news came down that Marvel got bought by Disney, it was subsequently repeated by every human alive in every medium in a tone that began to sound more and more like keening at an Irish wake. There were the five stages of grief as the day wore on:
  1. Denial - "No way, Marvel is worth way more than $4 billion. What kind of price do you put on giving a prepubescent nerd his first chubby with the Invisible Woman's latest costume redesign?"
  2. Anger - "If they touch (insert character you care about who has probably already had terrible writing before...like the time they made the Punisher turn into a supernatural demon hunter) I will make Mickey eat Donald and make Minnie watch."
  3. Bargaining - "Maybe we can convince them to just take certain characters...like Quasar. Who gives a shit about Quasar?"
  4. Depression - "Eff this. I'm going to ditch comics forever and do something more productive with my time and money."
  5. Acceptance - "Yeah, right, like I have the charisma points to do that. I'll just keep reading comics, going to the movies, and playing the video games like nothing ever happened."
That last one is probably the closest to the truth. Are there going to be stupid tie-ins? Yep. Have you seen what Marvel has done on it's own? I read a comic called "The Pet Avengers" last week. Someone tell me how that's any different from the jokes people are making. The model is obviously the one that Disney has struck with Pixar (and, by the way, John Lasseter has already mentioned that Pixar is reaching out to Marvel, so if that alone doesn't justify this whole idea in your brain...NOBODY has been a better creative studio movie-wise than Pixar, so deep breath). Disney wants what Marvel offers: boys. See, as it turns out, only about 2-5% of males want to watch a Zac Effron movie at any age. They saw a chance to get in on what is a booming, lucrative market that shows no sign of stopping and are likely to just back it with some more budget and count the cash. It's a good plan. I'm not saying I'm a big fan or that someone somewhere won't screw the pooch (sorry, Pluto), but for now I'm holding judgment. Who knows, maybe we barely notice anything other than the stupid castle in front of our comic movies.

Okay, now on to what you've been waiting for. Here are my favorite tweet-jokes about the merger with the caveat that we're done with this now. Twelve to fourteen hours of jokes like this is enough, thanks.

They are all from Brian Lynch, who you should follow on twitter if you don't because of reasons like the following:
  • Raven-Symone spotted on Melrose, dying hair white + asking her agent for phone #'s of people that can teach her to control the weather.
  • Least popular new ride at Disney: PROFESSOR X'S WILD RIDE. Least popular character change: Galactus, Devourer of Cookies.
  • Donald Duck and Howard the Duck just met at Chateau Marmont to work some shit out.
  • Ghost Rider: No longer a skull with flames. Now Angela Lansbury with cotton candy hair.
  • Daredevil? Can't see. Daredevil? Can dance!
  • Only thing stronger than adamantium? Love.
See, it's all going to be okay.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Guess 1: You didn't actually read Pet Avengers, but did buy multiple copies of Marvel Apes.


Guess 2: You did buy Pet Avengers, only because Speed Ball has a cat, and anything Speed Ball = Cutting Room Floor approved.

September 01, 2009  
Blogger Ryan said...

Okay, fine, but I read ABOUT "Pet Avengers." I would have bought it but I want to have kids one day and I'm pretty sure it makes you sterile.

September 01, 2009  

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