Norton may once more nurse at the Hulk's teat

Note to Marvel Films...wait, I guess they aren't really "in charge" anymore after the Disney pick-up. Okay, note to the head of Disney's live-action movie division. Oh, right, that guy just quit, too. You know what, this is probably just for me and the few loyal, intelligent, kind-hearted, virtuous, attractive, well-endowed, special people who read this blog anyway (that's not kissing up, I truly love you). So, if any of you could pass along this message to the makers of The Avengers, it would make you even sexier. The Hulk needs to be the villain in the upcoming superheroic cluster-frak that The Avengers will be. Not only would it work neatly into the material you've already established on screen, but I think it may allow you to convince Ed Norton to come back. See, right now, Ed Norton is on the fence (not literally, that would be painful), as demonstrated by his MTV interview wherein he doesn't quite confirm, deny, or laugh about coming back for another go at ole saggy green boobs so much as he suggests he needs a reason. Howsabout squaring off against Robert Downey Jr? That's a good reason. Ed's a good actor, even if he seems like a category 5 D-bag in most interviews, and I liked The Hulk a lot. It was pretty much spot-on Hulkage, so if you didn't like that, you didn't like the Hulk, which is cool. I'm just saying, if cards are played correctly, Norton could come back, and I think that's a good thing. I realize this is not a lot of info to warrant a whole blog post, but people aren't doing anything interesting today and it's not my fault.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey, hey, hey. It's time for my junk! Wait...that doesn't sound right... This week brings us a veritable plethora (doesn't "Veritable Plethora" sound like a hard-core Christian rock band?) of movie nuggets, including some Pixar potentials, dueling super-prisons, a further shuffle down for The Road, and a pair of trailers that could not be more different. Let's dive in.

Here are the 5 top stories that didn't quite deserve their own post:

1.) Pixar poo-pooed - When Disney bought Marvel, the only thing that stopped some die hard Marvel zombies from eating their own brains was the thought that Pixar could both serve as a model for involvement between the two entities AND the thought that Pixar might play (not pee) in Marvel's pool. The rumor that quickly came up was that John Lasseter, head of Pixar and rich, richer motha-trucka, was eyeing Ant Man for their first foray into fanboy fare. Hell, Entertainment Weekly reported that the news was true, and they are never wrong (except when Owen Glieberman lies about seeing a movie...did I say that out loud...YES I DID! I DON'T FEAR YOU GLIEBERMAN, BRING IT). Well, CHUD.com contacted Edgar Wright, who has long been associated with the project, and it turns out that if this rumor is true...neither Wright nor Marvel's honcho of movies Kevin Feige know anything about it. Wright is tonally perfect for the film and, although Pixar's involvement sounds great on any subject, I tend to believe Feige and Wright on this one. Now, maybe both are true, and Pixar DOES want it, and Wright and Feige haven't been told yet. In that case, my money is on Pixar gettin' what they want. They are the most powerful company not trying to currently block health care reform.

2.) Supermax vs Supermax - So for an eternity now, David Goyer and Justin Marks have worked on a bad-ass sounding script that saw the Green Arrow trapped inside a prison for supervillains titled Supermax. It sounds fun, doesn't it? Well, Sony just bought a script called Supermax and that made all the nerds get excited because the description was this: "Supermax takes place in a Maximum Security Prison for the Super-Natural as a skilled guard must join forces with a lethal inmate after a riot ensues in order to fight his way through various monsters and mad-men in order to survive." Beyond the fact that apparently supernatural beings from the beyond get funky capitalization rules, that synopsis sounds pretty much like the OTHER Supermax. Yeah, that's right, there are TWO scripts called Supermax and they sound damn near identical. I smell a lawsuit...and bacon (that may be my fingers...my fingers always smell like bacon). So, long story short, we may get one movie called Supermax...or two...or none. See why this didn't make the regular news.

3.) Winding on down, The Road - So I got an email from a PR rep that The Road is moving...AGAIN. This film has done more shuffling than the 1985-1986 Chicago Bears. It was supposed to be practically on DVD by this point, and now we have to wait AGAIN as the film is due in November...Thanksgiving to be exact. This makes no GD sense. (A) The date is PACKED with movies, including Fantastic Mr. Fox, Ninja Assassin, Old Dogs, and Nine, which is a movie FROM THE SAME COMPANY that is also hoping for Oscar. WTF? This isn't a sign of a lack of confidence to be sure, it's not like they're dumping it...but what the hell is going on with this movie? An early screening review I read called it one of the most important films of the last 20 years. A review in Variety last week called it a turd. I just want to see the thing. This is the strangest release tango I've ever seen.

4.) Get high - Part of Up in the Air was shot in Omaha, and one of my friends may or may not have a tiny frame or two that he appears in. That's not why I'm excited. Vera Farmiga is one of the reasons I'm excited (yum), but the real reason is that Jason Reitman's film looks like a tender, tragic Thank You For Smoking (his first and best film). Don't take my word on it, watch this and tell me how good it looks.




5.) It's not that good - You'd be hard pressed not to think that Black Dynamite is going to be awesome, but EVERYTHING I heard has been pretty much meh on this faux exploitation film. Oh, I'm still going to have to see it, but I don't have that high of hopes. UPDATE: There is a reader out there who knows his, her, or hermaphroditic-track-star stuff. I have been alerted to several positive things said about the entire affair and must have imagined people other than one critic hating it. My B yo. Still, the trailer rocks, right?



That's the junk for this week. I promise to find more juicy bits of tid next week...provided you scroll down on the blog a bit and pick me up one of those items I asked for. What? It seems like a fair trade.

Yes, I've heard that Disney bought Marvel. No, I have not yet killed myself.

This image is one I found at Slashfilm.com and I kind of love it.



Look, I know how it sounds. When news came down that Marvel got bought by Disney, it was subsequently repeated by every human alive in every medium in a tone that began to sound more and more like keening at an Irish wake. There were the five stages of grief as the day wore on:

1. Denial - "No way, Marvel is worth way more than $4 billion. What kind of price do you put on giving a prepubescent nerd his first chubby with the Invisible Woman's latest costume redesign?"
2. Anger - "If they touch (insert character you care about who has probably already had terrible writing before...like the time they made the Punisher turn into a supernatural demon hunter) I will make Mickey eat Donald and make Minnie watch."
3. Bargaining - "Maybe we can convince them to just take certain characters...like Quasar. Who gives a shit about Quasar?"
4. Depression - "Eff this. I'm going to ditch comics forever and do something more productive with my time and money."
5. Acceptance - "Yeah, right, like I have the charisma points to do that. I'll just keep reading comics, going to the movies, and playing the video games like nothing ever happened."
   

That last one is probably the closest to the truth. Are there going to be stupid tie-ins? Yep. Have you seen what Marvel has done on it's own? I read a comic called "The Pet Avengers" last week. Someone tell me how that's any different from the jokes people are making. The model is obviously the one that Disney has struck with Pixar (and, by the way, John Lasseter has already mentioned that Pixar is reaching out to Marvel, so if that alone doesn't justify this whole idea in your brain...NOBODY has been a better creative studio movie-wise than Pixar, so deep breath). Disney wants what Marvel offers: boys. See, as it turns out, only about 2-5% of males want to watch a Zac Effron movie at any age. They saw a chance to get in on what is a booming, lucrative market that shows no sign of stopping and are likely to just back it with some more budget and count the cash. It's a good plan. I'm not saying I'm a big fan or that someone somewhere won't screw the pooch (sorry, Pluto), but for now I'm holding judgment. Who knows, maybe we barely notice anything other than the stupid castle in front of our comic movies.

Okay, now on to what you've been waiting for. Here are my favorite tweet-jokes about the merger with the caveat that we're done with this now. Twelve to fourteen hours of jokes like this is enough, thanks.

They are all from Brian Lynch, who you should follow on twitter if you don't because of reasons like the following:

• Raven-Symone spotted on Melrose, dying hair white + asking her agent for phone #'s of people that can teach her to control the weather.
• Least popular new ride at Disney: PROFESSOR X'S WILD RIDE. Least popular character change: Galactus, Devourer of Cookies.
• Donald Duck and Howard the Duck just met at Chateau Marmont to work some shit out.
• Ghost Rider: No longer a skull with flames. Now Angela Lansbury with cotton candy hair.
• Daredevil? Can't see. Daredevil? Can dance!
• Only thing stronger than adamantium? Love.

See, it's all going to be okay.