Thursday, October 8, 2009

Ryan's Junk Drawer

This week, although not quite as slow as the frozen molasses that was last week, is still no Speedy Gonazalez (or any other stereotypical, derogatory caricature for that matter). Thankfully, we do have a few nuggets hiding in the bowels of know what, I'm gonna just ditch that metaphor, it was a little too fecal-tastic.

Here's the top 5 stories barely important enough to mention in passing:

1.) Isla Fisher is hot, also makes movies - After the savage turd that was Confessions of a Shopaholic, you may be asking yourself why I would care that Variety is reporting that Universal Pictures has acquired two projects that will star Isla Fisher. First, she's an incredibly charismatic, talented actress with limitless potential and great comedic timing. Second:

I rest my case. Fisher will star in and produce Life Coach, about a woman who turns to a stupid life coach (likely to be played by a wacky guy...I'm thinking Zack Galifianakis, Will Ferrell, or if they want to go outside the box, Glenn Beck, who can convince her to live her life as though she donated her brain to science and to join his cult), and an untitled romantic comedy based on a French script that translates to "One Day My Princes Will Come," which sounds an awful lot like a porno sequel to Purple Rain. God, I'm sorry, this is just a tasteless blurb. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm going to slink off to the second blurb now.

2.) Venom news leaves me feeling poisoned - And this is how I redeem myself, with an insipid pun about a superhero movie. Man, I'm starting to feel down on myself thanks to this week's junk drawer...which is going to lead me to make a joke like "I'm feeling down because of my junk." Oh look, just did. Moving on, Variety is also reporting that Gary Ross, who my wife loves because he wrote and directed Seabiscuit the best movie about a horse not starring Sarah Jessica Parker (seriously, I must be stopped), is writing and directing the Spider-man spinoff Venom, which has been long rumored but never came to fruition because it's a stupid idea. They're going to make him some kind of anti-hero, which is stupid because he's a villain...and even then, he's a stupid villain. Oh, sure, he looks cool with his long tongue and fangs and such, but he's a bad character. He's got nothing interesting about him and it will just turn into a stupid, worthless, generic movie. If they had any brains, they'd make this a superhero horror movie, trying to capture both audiences. They won't though, this is the guy who made the feel-good horsie movie.

3.) Redemption for the suffix "um" - After Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium ruined the Latin suffix "um" for movies everywhere, director Terry Gilliam sought to redeem it. Actually, I'm guessing that had absolutely nothing to do with his motivation for making this fantasy fable, he's just good at those. Thankfully, the new trailer for The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus sure is pretty. Yes, it makes you feel sad because it's Heath Ledger's last movie (yes, unlike Tupac and Michael Jackson, Ledger presumably will not keep creating from beyond the grave). But it also looks really good. I've heard some mixed things. That said, the people who didn't like it only kind of didn't like it and a lot of people who loved it really, really loved it. I think it has the potential to be great, so I'm excited. It doesn't have to be Brazil, just not The Brothers Grimm.

4.) Marlon Wayans tries relevancy - If you needed further proof that Eddie Murphy has quit trying, take the latest news that he's left the role of Richard Pryor in the comic's biography, only to be replaced by...Marlon Wayans. Hey, Eddie, I know that you have to dedicate a lot of time getting ready for your next totally awful comedy that doesn't make its money back, but could you mix in something that reminds people you used to be talented. Seriously, sometimes I forget Murphy is still alive. Now, Marlon Wayans is not necessarily the best choice for the movie, but he isn't the worst either. I've often felt like he was the most redeemable of the Wayans clan (sort of like being the nicer Mendendez brother, but still), and I think the subject matter is compelling enough to be interesting. Unlike other biopics that are boring, this one should be funny...and have a scene with a dude getting lit on fire. So there's that, even if you don't like Marlon, you get to see him lit on fire.

5.) They're making another Vacation movie - Finally, sad news from the nostalgia front: New line is insisting on making another National Lampoon's Vacation movie, this time starring Rusty as the dad. To be fair, this could be good if they get the right people to do it. But they won't, so it's okay to start talking about how stupid this is. Actually, speaking of stupid, I saw that they ran National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on TV last October. That's stupid. Also stupid, nobody takes a vacation in Christmas Vacation. Discuss.

That's the junk drawer for this week. I'm going to try to get the blog up tomorrow, but I've got a busy, busy schedule, so it will likely be just a box office preview in Haiku form and a weekly recap. You can deal.

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