Winter Movie Preview

This should be hitting the physical copy of The Reader in the Thanksgiving issue...which should be coming out sooner than later because there's stuffing to be eaten, people. This is just a little sneak preview of the Winter flicks that have me geeked...actually, since this is a preview of something that will be in the paper, it's a sneak preview of a sneak preview. I hate getting meta-literary on a Monday.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside
Snuggle up with the Winter Movie Preview

News anchors may believe they are the kings and queens of their local information purveyance establishment, but they are mere jesters when compared with the power wielded by weather witches and warlocks. Anchors repeat words; the weather people determine whether we can leave our homes from roughly December to March. In lieu of a pagan sacrifice, as a plea for diminished blizzard-spawning wizardry, the movies in this year’s Winter Movie Preview will be measured against the nastiest seasonal spells, er, “forecasts,” that the climate magicians have to deploy.

Up in the Air (Dec 4)

Partially filmed in Omaha (okay, very, very partially), the latest effort from uber-promising director Jason Reitman follows George Clooney (ever hear of him?) as a corporate frequent flyer who flies around firing folks. Oscar buzz has been more contagious than pork fever (or whatever that new-fangled disease is), so see it early and brag.

Excitement forecast – A 100% chance of huge, manly-man hunks of cool ice falling from the sky.

The Princess and the Frog (Dec 11)

Hand-drawn Disney movies warmly and kindly raised several generations of children. Sadly, today’s kids have been reared by the cold bastards that are computer-generated movies…until now. Introducing the first black princess (‘bout time), Tiana, the film is set in The French Quarter during the Jazz Age. If it avoids Song of the South-ing it’s way along, it may find itself admitted to the elite kids flick pantheon.

Excitement forecast – Fluffy-bunny snowflakes falling for hours. Total accumulation: 1-5 hugs.

Invictus (Limited on Dec 11)

Morgan Freeman got himself in a bit of scandal, what with the whole affair-with-his-stepdaughter thing (so icky). The only career remedy: play Nelson Mandela alongside Matt Damon in a Clint Eastwood movie. Heavy-handed social themes and massive sports cliches combined with Eatwood’s beloved touch means this films Oscars will win other little baby Oscars.

Excitement forecast – Racist fog gives way to optimistic social light.

Avatar (Dec 18)

After taking a decade-or-so to bask in his own greatness, James Cameron has returned…with sensitive blue Thundercats? With what a rumored $500 million budget, Avatar seems like little more than a computer-generated version of Dances With Wolves in space. Every indication suggests this may be the Internet-generation’s Heaven’s Gate. Then again, didn’t they say that about a little flick called Titanic?

Excitement forecast – Chance of rain, 50%. Chance of snow, 50%. Chance of sun, 50%. James Cameron makes his own math.

Nine (Dec 18)

The film is based on a novel, based on a Tony-award winning musical, based on an Italian play, based on the life of Federico Fellini. Its lineage is only slightly less crowded than its cast, including Nicole Kidman, Marion Cotillard, Penelope Cruz, Sophia Loren, Kate Hudson, Fergie, Judi Dench and Daniel Day-Lewis. If done right, it toe-taps its way to Oscar glory. If done wrong…oh, be serious, it has Daniel Day-Lewis, there is no wrong.

Excitement forecast – Rain, singable and danceable rain.

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Limited on Dec 25)

Director Terry Gilliam can be bizarrely bodacious (see Brazil and 12 Monkeys) or downright dreadful (see The Brothers Grimm). His latest involves a reality-warping journey through a mirror owned by the immortal Dr. Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), a deal with the devil (Tom Waits) and a young hero played by the late Heath Ledger, who passed away midway through shooting. His role was picked up by the trio of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Colin Farrell, which could be magically delicious or disastrously sour.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures fall below zero, down a rabbit hole into wonderland.

Sherlock Holmes (Dec 25)

Although casting Robert Downey Jr as the clever Mr. Holmes has to be as grating to Brits as casting Hugh Grant as Captain America would be to Yanks, the slam-bang, action-oriented attempt from director Guy Ritchie to franchise Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s creation has the benefit of an assist from Rachel McAdams but the drawback of resembling Will Smith’s big-screen version of Wild, Wild West.

Excitement forecast – A bit from each weather element…ary, dear Watson!

Daybreakers (Jan 8)

Twilight’s wussification of vampires is nearly complete, but this self-described blend of The Matrix and 28 Days Later attempts to breathe some bad-ass back into the bloodsuckers. Borrowing the social metaphor usually seen in zombie flicks, the film imagines a world where most of the world’s population is vampires, and few humans are left to feed on…so human blood is a metaphor for oil?

Excitement forecast – Overcast enough for the living dead to walk the earth.

Youth in Revolt (Jan 8)

In this adaptation, Michael Cera plays Nick Twisp, who is so obsessed with gettin’ a little somethin’ somethin’ that he creates an alter-ego in order to facilitate the somethin’ somethin’, but somethin’ somethin’ goes wrong. Yay for low budgets and epic supporting casts (Steve Buscemi, Ray Liotta, Zach Galifianakis)!

Excitement forecast – A bitter wind-chill means you should cuddle with someone…for warmth.

The Book of Eli (Jan 15)

Post-apocalyptic shenanigans with Denzel Washington squaring off against Gary Oldman? Yes, please. Despite closing in on 60, Washington displays an array of butt kicking in this tale of a man protecting a certain holy book in a world devoid of laws and people.

Excitement forecast – A downpour of acid rain. Mmm, nuclear winter.

The Lovely Bones (Jan 15)

Having conquered Middle Earth, director Peter Jackson found one unseen, captivating realm with a larger fan base: heaven. This adaptation of the popular novel promises to reveal Jackson’s view of the afterlife and provoke more than a few tears. Opening in New York and LA in time to nab nominations, Omahans should know before January if this perspective passes the holy mustard.

Excitement forecast – Plenty of pure, white snow.

Legion (Jan 22)

In direct opposition to our previous film, this sleeper features Paul Bettany as a fallen angel attempting to fight off the apocalypse by shooting and stabbing stuff. The juxtaposition of angelic wings and copious gunshots could spark a cult classic, but don’t look for an endorsement by church groups.

Excitement forecast – Temperatures are falling…in hell!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

This week, although not quite as slow as the frozen molasses that was last week, is still no Speedy Gonazalez (or any other stereotypical, derogatory caricature for that matter). Thankfully, we do have a few nuggets hiding in the bowels of my...you know what, I'm gonna just ditch that metaphor, it was a little too fecal-tastic.

Here's the top 5 stories barely important enough to mention in passing:

1.) Isla Fisher is hot, also makes movies - After the savage turd that was Confessions of a Shopaholic, you may be asking yourself why I would care that Variety is reporting that Universal Pictures has acquired two projects that will star Isla Fisher. First, she's an incredibly charismatic, talented actress with limitless potential and great comedic timing. Second:

I rest my case. Fisher will star in and produce Life Coach, about a woman who turns to a stupid life coach (likely to be played by a wacky guy...I'm thinking Zack Galifianakis, Will Ferrell, or if they want to go outside the box, Glenn Beck, who can convince her to live her life as though she donated her brain to science and to join his cult), and an untitled romantic comedy based on a French script that translates to "One Day My Princes Will Come," which sounds an awful lot like a porno sequel to Purple Rain. God, I'm sorry, this is just a tasteless blurb. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm going to slink off to the second blurb now.

2.) Venom news leaves me feeling poisoned - And this is how I redeem myself, with an insipid pun about a superhero movie. Man, I'm starting to feel down on myself thanks to this week's junk drawer...which is going to lead me to make a joke like "I'm feeling down because of my junk." Oh look, just did. Moving on, Variety is also reporting that Gary Ross, who my wife loves because he wrote and directed Seabiscuit the best movie about a horse not starring Sarah Jessica Parker (seriously, I must be stopped), is writing and directing the Spider-man spinoff Venom, which has been long rumored but never came to fruition because it's a stupid idea. They're going to make him some kind of anti-hero, which is stupid because he's a villain...and even then, he's a stupid villain. Oh, sure, he looks cool with his long tongue and fangs and such, but he's a bad character. He's got nothing interesting about him and it will just turn into a stupid, worthless, generic movie. If they had any brains, they'd make this a superhero horror movie, trying to capture both audiences. They won't though, this is the guy who made the feel-good horsie movie.

3.) Redemption for the suffix "um" - After Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium ruined the Latin suffix "um" for movies everywhere, director Terry Gilliam sought to redeem it. Actually, I'm guessing that had absolutely nothing to do with his motivation for making this fantasy fable, he's just good at those. Thankfully, the new trailer for The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus sure is pretty. Yes, it makes you feel sad because it's Heath Ledger's last movie (yes, unlike Tupac and Michael Jackson, Ledger presumably will not keep creating from beyond the grave). But it also looks really good. I've heard some mixed things. That said, the people who didn't like it only kind of didn't like it and a lot of people who loved it really, really loved it. I think it has the potential to be great, so I'm excited. It doesn't have to be Brazil, just not The Brothers Grimm.

4.) Marlon Wayans tries relevancy - If you needed further proof that Eddie Murphy has quit trying, take the latest news that he's left the role of Richard Pryor in the comic's biography, only to be replaced by...Marlon Wayans. Hey, Eddie, I know that you have to dedicate a lot of time getting ready for your next totally awful comedy that doesn't make its money back, but could you mix in something that reminds people you used to be talented. Seriously, sometimes I forget Murphy is still alive. Now, Marlon Wayans is not necessarily the best choice for the movie, but he isn't the worst either. I've often felt like he was the most redeemable of the Wayans clan (sort of like being the nicer Mendendez brother, but still), and I think the subject matter is compelling enough to be interesting. Unlike other biopics that are boring, this one should be funny...and have a scene with a dude getting lit on fire. So there's that, even if you don't like Marlon, you get to see him lit on fire.

5.) They're making another Vacation movie - Finally, sad news from the nostalgia front: New line is insisting on making another National Lampoon's Vacation movie, this time starring Rusty as the dad. To be fair, this could be good if they get the right people to do it. But they won't, so it's okay to start talking about how stupid this is. Actually, speaking of stupid, I saw that they ran National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation on TV last weekend...in October. That's stupid. Also stupid, nobody takes a vacation in Christmas Vacation. Discuss.

That's the junk drawer for this week. I'm going to try to get the blog up tomorrow, but I've got a busy, busy schedule, so it will likely be just a box office preview in Haiku form and a weekly recap. You can deal.