Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 22)

Remember, you don't HAVE to buy me these things. In fact, a lot of you are friends and family, and, outside of birthdays and Christmas, I don't EXPECT you to buy me these things. This is really about free advertising for merchants who don't know I'm alive in the hopes that one day they will send free stuff to me (by contacting me at film@thereader.com). Okay, fine, it may also be about just showing off some cool stuff that you may be interested. But mostly, it's about the hopes that one day I get a big ole package of free swag. Mmm. Swag.

Here's the things you should send me for free because I'm a good person this week:

1.) I can't cut straight: There are roles you take on in relationships. Despite having zero talent, I'm the one who wraps the presents. It usually goes like this: "Hey, would you wrap the presents while I get ready?" Every. Single. Time. Birthdays? Yep. Christmas? Yep. Mother's/Father's/any-other-person's Day? Yep. So what I'm going to need is a pair of scissors with a laser sight on it. I can't cut straight for shit, but these...these will help me. Thinkgeek always knows how to do it up right. In this case, doing it up right means ensuring that both my wrapping paper is cut correctly and that I can freak out people with my laser scissors. Double win.

2.) It terrifies me, and yet I want to go to there: What we have below from Threadless is one of those things that walks the line between "cool!" and "OH GOD GET IT AWAY!" I like that. This is a more accurate, slightly more terrifying look at our friends on a certain street that may or may not have something to do with the objects placed on top of a McDonald's hamburger bun. Personally, I think our children would be best served learning on that magical creatures do not exist, but terrifying real ones do.

3.) It ain't cool, but it's practical: I don't have one of these.

It's like a buck fifty. It opens CDs and DVDs without turning people into disgusting curse machines. It's probably worth owning. I know this isn't the cool nerd junk that you usually see, but whenever I see someone struggling with a newly purchased electronics item, I wonder how much longer our species has. So, help us stay on the planet by proving evolution works.