Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 56)

This is usually something I do on Wednesdays. So sue me, it's late! Actually, please don't, I do not have the money and I don't want to cash in my lifetime annual favor from my lawyer brother-in-law on "got sued for a late blog posting." He's pretty smart, so I figure I'm good for getting out of a major crime of some kind and want time to plan something good.

Speaking of things that are good, you should buy me these things below. You should write me at film@thereader.com, ask for my address, and then send me the awesome stuff I am about to describe to you. Why? Because I'm a wonderful human being and deserve monetary and material goods in exchange for my awesomeness. Okay, fine, I'm not really expecting you to send any of this (I won't send it back if you do, though, just FYI). I do expect you to say "whoa, that crap is COOL" and then buy it for yourself or someone you love more than me. Sadface.

Here's the stuff I want but can't have this week:

1.) Because I'm a fan of things that are plush, even though they shouldn't be - You have to admire the cleverness involved in making this:
That's Alex, a character from A Clockwork Orange. He does bad things. Now he's a plush doll. The product description cleverly says "all of the style, none of the social commentary." Given that this is a Stanley Kubrick movie we're talking of, that description also fits Brian DePalma. Zing! Look, either you're familiar enough with the movie to be like "OMG, they made a doll from a movie that includes a soliloquy that involves rape and Beethoven" or you don't find this weird/appealing at all. Also, he's only $14. That's a small amount for this bizarrely awesome conversation starter. But it Here.

2.) Now for this week's installment of "Which Star Wars Merch is Weird Enough to Want This Week" - Seriously, Lucasfilm, feel free to NOT make an intriguing piece of memorabilia for a week or so. It would be nice to have this be a non-Lucas-friendly zone for a week. Then you go and make these:
Those are ear buds. That's right, they retract. You can shove Darth Vader's hands into your ears and hear through them. Tell me that wasn't concocted by someone on shrooms. "Dude, what if...hear me out here...whoa, I'm about to talk about headphones and I just said hear twice. Anyway, what if you could shove Yoda's hands in your ears...but, like, they weren't his hands...but they were, like, tiny speakers." Now you can buy this somehow insanely cool hallucinated idea for yourself. Yay for brain-impairing drugs!

3.) Make a ninja shirt, I pimp the ninja shirt - It's simple. It's Threadless. It's always going to wind up here if it involves ninjas.
Look, this isn't rocket science. Ninjas are cool. This shirt has ninjas. This shirt is cool. Boom. Done. Buy it.

That's all for my wants this week, sorry they were late.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 55)

Greetings throngs of readers who visit this column filled with awesome things that should be bought who never buy those things for me! With Christmas stalking us in the corner like a fat ninja, I would imagine that people would be contacting me at film@thereader.com like CRAZY to start sending me products to test out and enjoy so that I may promote them for the world to gobble up for presents come holiday time. Sadly, my inbox is emptier than the Tea Party's "good idea" box. Oh well, I guess I'll continue to shill for items that I find to be incredibly wicked awesome, even if I have to love them from afar. For those who say "why don't you just buy them for yourself," I hope you click 30 ads on this site today, because that's the only way that will happen. Obviously, this is just dark sarcasm, I only want to share fun things with you. But seriously, though, click the ads.

Here's what I want this week:

1.) Well, there goes my health plan - For the last 6 months I've run about 2 miles a day after doing some light weight lifting. The result has been...well, nobody really saying much of anything. Then again, I don't have a lot of friends or people who look at me in "that way." So, the real way I've consoled myself is knowing that I'm possibly allowing myself to live until they find the immortality pill. Health is its own reward!
Well, there goes that. I know that it's made for kids. I know that the apparent recommended serving size as shown above is a Dixie cup. I also want it. You have no idea how much I love Heath Blizzards...and Boston Cream Pie Blizzards...and Banana Cream Pie Blizzards. You know what, don't buy me this. I know it's only 30 bucks and seems like fun, but for once your unwillingness to give me crap I ask for could save my life and hard work. Damn you, DQ. Damn you to hell.

2.) "Raising Hope" got me thinking - First off, that's a funny show. Second, it reminded me that Shrinky Dinks exist. Then ThinkGeek.com did the same thing.
I know this says "Creativity for Kids" right on the front and, when combined with the above item I want, makes me look really dumb or creepy. I don't care. I just miss Shrinky Dinks. If I had a Blizzard I made while making Shrinky Dinks, I'd be happy. I'd also be 8, but I'd be happy.

3.) This is for a friend - I do love this shirt, which requires two photos.
How great is that? I also may or may not know someone who is currently very invested in The Tin Man. This may or may not be a great idea for him. How great is that shirt? Very. Threadless.com. But you knew that, right?

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 54)

Sorry I've been M.I.A. today, and I don't mean the cool female hip-hop artist. The only reason I'm dragging my tired, wretched carcass to this point right now is because this is the 54th edition of Things You Should Buy Me (but don't because you hate me), and 54 is Brian Urlacher's number. I can't very well fail to come to the internets and beg for people to email me at film@thereader.com to get my address and send me the following cool stuff on the volume numbered the same as the best linebacker of my adult lifetime! Obviously, I'm kidding. About the sending me stuff, you don't have to do that. You DO have to acknowledge the greatness that is Urlacher though. That's non-negotiable. Here's the top 3 things I want but won't be sent for free despite deserving it this week:

1.) This is almost too awesome to be real - Thinkgeek amazes me from time to time. This is one of those times.
This is "The Avenging Unicorn" playset. It's $14.99 here. If you buy it, you get four different "stabbing horns" and the opportunity to re-enact a mime being gored by a friggin' unicorn again, and again, and again, and again. The best part to me is the hippie girl who is just mortified. Oh, sure, the accountant douchebag is shocked, but I think that's mostly because he had a thing for the mime. See how much fun you can have with this. One more time, in case you didn't notice, these are action figures that allow a unicorn to impale a mime. I love America.

2.) 'Tis the season FOR MURDER - Amazon.com is having a great sale on some awesome Halloween-related Blu-Rays. Evil Dead and 28 Days Later are less than 10 bucks. Wow.
That's not the best part. Follow this link and you'll see the horror/Halloween-themed movies. Last check it went Evil Dead, Let the Right One In, The Omen, Letters to Juliet, and Daybreakers. Yes, that's totally correct, between the movie about the spawn of Satan and a vampire infestation, you have the Amanda Seyfried movie that is scarier than both of them. How great is that? Good deals, better humor.

3.) He sleeps on a black cloud of death - How bad ass is this shirt?
Teefury has a really great Scare Bear shirt, which I adore because they really got the face and body right. Oh, and he's holding a bloody scythe. I like that too. See, my wife loves Care Bears, and I love subversive uses of popular culture and fun Halloween mayhem. It's a win win. But you have to get it NOW because it goes away at midnight. It's like a reverse Gremlin. And reverse Gremlin sounds like a dirty sex position. I'm done now.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 53)

I've been such a good boy for so long now that I'm overdue for presents of all kind. So if it sounds like I'm more demanding than usual about people contacting me at film@thereader.com to get my address to send me more free stuff, that's because I deserve it. Really, I do. Of course, this is where I say I'm kidding and that this is really just me showing you some cool stuff on the internet, but I don't know that I am today. Today I feel as though I should be bribed and pampered, should be showered with things I will own without purchasing. You should make it so.

Here's what I want this week:


1.) No more free shows for people watching me after a shower - I don't know abut the whole bathrobe thing, seeing as how the only dude that comes to mind when I think of one is Hugh Hefner, and I'm not going that route with my life. Not that he hasn't had a good life, it's just that we all I know I can pull that sort of existence off. That said, I think if someone wanted to plop down $99 at ThinkGeek, I would totally wear this:

That's a Jedi bathrobe. Okay, technically it's a bathrobe cut to look like a ceremonial Jedi robe, and it's further proof that there is not one merch idea that Lucasfilm will not conceive of. I'm fully anticipating Yoda Wart Cream and Leia-but-don't-get-pregnant Condoms.

2. A Halloween decoration I can stand behind - For $17.99 at ThinkGeek, you can have the best October decoration I've ever seen.
Unlike the people in my neighborhood, who decorate more for Halloween than Christmas, this tiny, inexpensive object is somehow both tasteful and fully in the spirit of the season. Seriously, nothing says weird like suburbanites decorating their lawns with fake severed heads. It's so trippy.

3.) I like cows, so what? - I do. I like cows. I like T-shirts. Thus, ergo, and therefore, I like cow T-shirts.

This one is called "Fail" and is available at Threadless. Come on, you know this is cute.

That's what you should give me this week. I'll have more next time.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 52)

Sorry this is late today. Maybe it would be on time if you bought me more things. It's not like I don't make it easy for you to bribe me. If you contact me at film@thereader.com, I send you my address, you send me free things, and then I'm more inclined to capitulate to your whims. Like, let's say you really like the word googleplex and want me to use it more often. You send me some free swag and whammo, I'm talking googleplex left and right. Of course, this is really just a place I gather the weekly cool findings from across the interwebs so that you can see them and buy them for yourselves, because you're selfish. I kid. And by that I mean I'm kidding about the "across the interwebs" part, I usually just check a few sites. The rest of it I meant, as I know somebody out there is buying this stuff and keeping it. Jerks.

Here's what you'll buy yourself this week:

1.) Huggable murder - Nothing is cuter than things with large heads and little bodies. I should amend that to say things other than actual human beings with large heads and little bodies. Dudes who walk around looking like human bobbleheads do not get love. Far more lovable are these fellas:

Sure, they want to poke you with murder sticks until you die, but you want to love them now, don't you? Look at that Freddy, you just want to make him feel loved despite what he did to those kids and what he wants to do to you. It would be great if they made him smell like deep-fat fried chicken. Anyway, these are the cutest way to say "I love horror, but not like that."

2.) Brain food - So Thinkgeek loves to make me want to eat funny things.

The packaging alone here is fantastic. Plus, it comes with an extra vial of blood, you know, for flavor. I love everything about this and really don't care how it tastes. I don't know that I would ever actually EAT these, because I love how they're presented so much, but you have to applaud the nerds of the world for figuring out how to further capitalize on this zombie craze.

3.) The ponytail makes this work - It's obvious, yes, but also awesome.

Threadless has the only homage to Steven Seagal you'll ever need, Steven Seagull. I will point out that the only thing better would have been showing that he also flies like a girl. I wonder if his bird incarnation also engages in terrible behavior toward women and racism? I'm guessing yes.

That's all I want this week. Now go buy it for yourselves.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 51)

Welcome one and all to the weekly extravaganza you anticipate for 6 days in a row! Yes, it's once more the time for me to show you the coolest products out there that I want to own without paying to own them. I have managed yet another week without anyone sending me the free swag I demand (by contacting me at film@thereader.com for my address), so the streak is alive. Yay. Yay for not getting free stuff. Obviously, I don't ACTUALLY expect you to send me free stuff. I just hope you feel insecure enough to try to buy my affection, which will TOTALLY work.

Let's see how you can buy my love today?

1.) I'm a fan of fake stabbings - As a proud owner of ninja throwing star "coat hooks," which are actually being used to hold my headset and headphones near my desk, I am instantly drawn to these magnets.

ThinkGeek has finally found a way to say "yes, I put things on my fridge that I find interesting or cute...SAY SOMETHING AND I'LL CUT YOU." Seriously though, it looks like a Hobbit ninja just riddled your cooling device with tiny throwing knives. How is that not a big bucket of awesome?

2.) FINALLY, I can cuddle Legolas...I mean... - Admit it. You've always wanted to grab Gandalf, love on Legolas, feel-up Frodo! Well, now's your chance.
These plush figures are available from Thinkgeek, and let you do this:

Look how happy he is. Ever since he saw Orlando Bloom unload those arrows into those orc chests, all he's wanted to do is cuddle him. Now he can! This is a great way to get really young children to appreciate a book and movie series riddled with the kind of violence that will make them better people.

3.) There's nothing minimal about my superhero love - How great is this shirt?

Threadless has tapped into the minimalist movement to really capture the best parts of how I believe people thought up superheroes in the first place. "Um, what about a roach man? No? Um biscuit man? No? Um, sock man?" This lasted until they stumbled on items that they could really pass off. Now we have this wicked cool shirt. Seriously. Gimmee.

That's all I want for this week. It's another 6 days until I share more, so you have plenty of shopping time.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 50)

This is the 50th time I've asked people to send me stuff. The 50th time I've suggested that the coolest of nerd gadgets, movie-related whatchacallits, and awesometastic apparel should be sent to me at no cost. I have thus far received one item from a non-family member or close friend. Perhaps this is because people understand I'm not actually begging for stuff but just showing them cool crap from the internets, but you'd think more people would fall for the gag by contacting me at film@thereader.com for my address, at which point I would get more free stuff. But no. Instead, I just keep going with the recommending and showing of awesomeness for the same lack of swag. I must really love you guys.

Here's what I want (but won't get) this week.

1.) Boldly slice - You have to love the beauty and simplicity of this one:


Thinkgeek finally puts the sperm-esque, ovular-obsessed design for the Enterprise to use in a way that Trekkies can really use. I won't even tell anyone if you yell out a good "KHAAAAAAN" while hacking through the Hawaiian pie. For only 24 bucks, you can slice your way through all the cheese and dough those Romulan bastards would take from you.

2.) I don't want this shirt, I NEED this shirt. Go here and get me this.

Seriously, if you don't desperately want that, like you can't stand not having it, you must not have had the same upbringing I did. The guy who drew that was so on point, so absolutely dialed in that I can't believe this isn't on the chests of everyone I know. It's so adorable I could scream. There, I just did.

3.) This is 5 dollars - I'm just saying that it's a Marvel mini-bust for 5 bucks. Is it flashy? No.
Is it Spider-man in his black costume? Yep. And it's 5 bucks here. Get one for yourself while you're at it because Spidey is the only guy to ever change his costume and have it be almost as cool as his original costume. Why? Because Spidey is the mother-lovin' king of all superheroes, yo. That's why.

Okay, that's it for the 50th edition of stuff you should buy me. I will look forward to you not buying me any of it and will hit you back tomorrow with my junk.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 49)

In honor of those who still find it clever, happy Hump Day folks. I'm sure I'm the first person to say that phrase without a filthy grin or dirty stare to go with it (I'm doing both, you just can't see it). We have come to the day of the week where I beg you to send me free stuff by asking me for my address at Film@thereader.com. I hear tell all the time of other, more famous and desired bloggers, just swimming in swag. This is my attempt to request some of that sweet, sweet freebie love. Actually, it's just me showing you some cool stuff, but like I've said before, I will keep whatever is sent to me, so it's not that much of a joke. I have a good sense of humor, but I'm also not stupid.

Here's the things I would keep if sent to me this week:

1.) My head does that already - Who among us haven't fancied having our own bobblehead?

Well now it's all possible! Go here and you can have your dome put on any of these characters, ranging from Spider-man (YESPLEASENOWTHANKS) to someone sitting on a toilet. Ladies have some great choices too, including Belle from Beauty and the Beast and them sitting on a toilet. I feel like that one is going to be the most popular, even though I have no possible need for a tangible demonstration of what it would look like to leave my body and watch me poop.

2.) I no longer need to smash stuff - How great is this from ThinkGeek?
That is an ice cube tray for water bottles. I mean, that's just brilliant, right? You know how many times I've smashed ice cubes to fit the little fragments into a water bottle? Literally dozens of times, which really isn't that much now that I think about it, but this thing only costs 5 bucks, so it's still worth it. I like to applaud shrewd inventions when I see them.

3.) This is also brilliant - At first, you say, "Threadless.com, why would I need a hoodie of a hand?"
Then you realize that with just a minor adjustment of unzipping a bit...WHAMMO:

That's right! You can give a traditional Vulcan greeting WITH YOUR BOOBS! How great is that? Also great: This guy's bow tie. This is American design at it's finest.

That's all I want right now. Get to buying.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 48)

The Wednesday of my discontent continues! Nevermind that this is the first week of pro football, something that's practically a holiday to me, nevermind that it's only a four-day work week, nevermind that I'm the only one who hasn't fallen victim to the latest strange plague working its way through Omaha, I'm pissy. One way to make me less pissy? Buy me things. Obviously, this is just my weekly time to show you some cool merch that's out there, but as always if someone wants to contact me at film@thereader.com and hook me up with free swag for promotion or just because you like me, I will certainly give you my address and keep whatever you send. In particular, you can feel free to send me the following this week:

1.) If you don't think this is the most adorable thing ever, you should exit my planet - I'm sure that James Hance is minutes away from a cease and desist order for selling these drawings, but until then, GO GET THEM.
Combining the cuddly of Pooh with the nostalgia of Star Wars was one thing, rendering Chewbacca as the most adorable thing on the planet is another thing, but making the AT-AT into Eyore? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? How can you not want this on your child's wall? Or your own? Or somewhere in your house at least? Do you see the cuteness? Can you bear the cuddliness? MY EYES ARE BLEEDING WITH THE ADORABLITUDE!

2.) Wash your hands with brains! - This is not only a cute Young Frankenstein reference, it's also a practical way to avoid getting me diseased by your filth.

These delicious and sanitary tiny brains are available from Thinkgeek and were likely harvested from Fox News anchors. I will let you decide if that was me making a joke that they don't need their brains or that their brains are incredibly small. Either one works.

3.) Where old robots go to die - The best Threadless shirts are the ones that are both a play on some pop culture element and somehow kind of sick and wrong.

I think my favorite is The Toaster, which is like a double whammy for BSG fans. All in all, this is the type of shirt that does exactly what it's supposed to do: Gives you cred with the geeks and stares from the normals. I loves it.

That's all my wants this week, now order up!

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 47)

Again, see previous comments about why I'm keeping things so short today. Apologies all around. That said, here are the things I am begging you to send me this week even though I don't actually want you to send them to me except I kind of do want you to send them to me except that's not why I do this because it's really just to show you cool stuff except I do kind of want it.

Here's what I want this week:

1.) I ain't afraid of these jitters - Nerdapproved links us to this tasty gem from these fellas.
First off, the box alone is worth 20 bucks. Second, those marshmallows (which I love) have 100 mg of caffeine in them. A Red Bull has 80. Wrap your brain around that for a second. You get to eat marshmallows inspired by a classic comedy AND be so wired you will likely see actual ghosts. That's a win-win, people.

2.) I want not to kill them, but to hug them - How adorably awesome are these monster posters?
Seriously! You hang those posters up in your room and I think everyone is going to marvel at how awesomely cute they are. But they're still monsters, so it's even MORE awesome. If I had a young boy, these would be all over his room. I even like the color palate. Yes, I said color palate. These rule. Get them here.

3.) We kind of have to get this shirt, right? - Yeah, this is from Threadless.
It's a shirt that says Awesomeness and features a T-Rex equipped with rockets and lasers, Abraham Lincoln, a cheeseburger, a stuntman, jet planes, aliens, an explosion, and Chuck Norris. I have nothing left to say.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 46)

It works like this: I ask for things. Nobody sends me those things. I spend the rest of the week drinking, crying, vomiting, and repeating that cycle. I get up on Wednesday and do it again. Obviously, this is not true. I mean, I do some of those things, but mostly for recreational reasons and fun. I just use this space to show you awesome crap that Americans make despite many notable economists telling us that we're actually in a depression. Eff those guys, let's keep making soap in the shape of video games! If you want to send me these products, contact me at film@thereader.com and I'll send you my address (provided you send me proof you're not a crazy stalker...I will accept your word on that). But if you're like the literally dozens of other people who read this page and never send me anything, that's okay too! I love you anyway.

So let's look at the stuff I think is most bitchin' this week:

1.) I wampa it - So apparently, this next item is limited to a run of 1,980. I see why.
That is a plush Wampa with removable/reattachable arm. It's adorably hideous, right? Not only can I recreate one of the finest moments in lightsaber use from the entire Star Was series, but I can cuddle with something that appears to have the matted fur of a rabid dog! Sign my ass up! It's only 50 bucks at the Star Wars shop, which is where I swear 50% of these products come from. You have to admire the marketing might of the series and how, decades later, there's no sign of stopping.

2.) An oldie returns, smaller - I know I've mentioned this ThinkGeek gem before.
But what they've done is make it smaller. See, it used to just be the large size, but now you can get the little mini-umbrella instead! Because, really, if I've thought enough to bring an umbrella, that shit is for ME and not for others who would like to huddle beneath it...unless Natpo or Scarjo are around. So to recap: Smaller umbrella, still looks like you're carrying a sword. That's gotta happen.

3.) Paul Revere would have been boned - You know what? If the Brits had gone steampunk on us in the 1700s, we'd all be speaking English right now.
Threadless has this awesome shirt titled "20 if by Giant Robot" that speculates what would have happened if the Revolution had been written by a smelly kid in your English class who doodles robots on his skin. Seriously, though, even if we lost, this would be WAY cooler to study in history class.

Okay, that's it for this week's wants. See you tomorrow with some junk for you to ogle.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 45)

Well hello, hello, hello. As we all know, Wednesday is the third day of the week, provided you aren't one of those hippies who thinks Sunday starts a new week or Joey from "Friends." Hence, you get three hellos preceding my traditional Wednesday begging for you to send me sweet, sweet swag. I want so badly for someone to step up to the plate and send me 100% free one of these items below by first contacting me at film@thereader.com for my actual address, but I fear such a thing is not to be. Obviously, I do this column weekly as a service to show you cool stuff out there in the world, but if someone should feel the desire to send me this stuff, I will keep it. I will also photograph myself with it to show you I love it, not just to rub it in. What do I want this week? Let's see!

1.) This shirt was made for me - Check out this adorable T-shirt on this adorable lass from Threadless.com.

It's okay to stare there, that's where the words are. And if you couldn't read them, they say "Haikus are easy/but sometimes they don't make sense/refrigerator." That's something I need, wouldn't you say. I will point out that I am single-handedly keeping the medium of haiku box office predicting alive. I really thought it would catch on by now.

2.) You can't get this for me, but I had to show it to you - This is something that George Lucas presented to John Stewart as a thank you for hosting the Star Wars celebration thingie last week.

Yeah, that's John Stewart as a Stormtrooper, complete with goatee or goatee-free changeable heads. I believe they only made one of these, which is just too bad, because if it were available I would totally own one. I'm just saying if you want to also make some Fox News ones, like Glenn Beck as Darth Vader or Bill O'Reilly as the Emperor...or Rush Limbaugh as Jabba, I'm totally down with that too. I would so own those. Kudos to you, John. You've finally really made it.

3.) It's a me! Organized! - File cabinets are the most boring, necessary pieces of furniture out there. but what if they could be a bit cooler?

Yeah, that's right, it's not just Mario themed cabinets...it's SUPER MARIO 2 themed cabinets. I'm one of those crazies who always preferred that second game the most. Maybe it was the size of the characters or the fact that the whole thing was so damn hallucinatory, but it was just the most fun I've ever had with the little Italian plumber and friends. To think, I could file my tax returns inside a question mark block with a turnip and Princess Peach on the side. This has to happen, right?

That's all I want this week. Pretty reasonable I think. See you tomorrow when I expose my junk!

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 44)

Hello, hello! Once more you have found yourself in the presence of my cyber begging, my dropping to my blog knees and begging for free stuff. Obviously, I'm (half) kidding. I don't really (totally) expect you to send me free stuff (yes I do), but those who are interested (do it) should send me an email at film@thereader.com (email me now) to find my address if they were so inclined as to send me things (this means you). I was going to mention that I received something free the other day, but it was a kite promoting the new Zack Snyder owl movie. I can't brag about a kite, people. The items below? Oh, now those are worth talking about.

Here are the things you should buy me this week.

1.) This has nothing to do with movies - This is the craziest, most ridiculous Nerf gun I've ever seen.
LOOK AT IT! I've never been that crazy into Nerf, but are you kidding me, man? That thing is a foam-padded ass kicking. You have to feel like some kind of insane spy person just carrying that thing around your house! You can snipe the neighbor kid who makes the dogs bark all day by playing a game called "run back and forth until the dogs bark a lot" without doing any real damage! This is great. I know it's not technically in any way related to what we do here. I don't care. Me likey.

2.) Ladies, this one's for you - I know I don't do enough for you on this site, gals. I pander to clicks from outside sources by posting attractive pictures of women. I mention my obsession with some of them frequently. I don't do enough to bemoan the sexist position of the film industry and the lack of female representation in the corporate structures therein. But I tell you what, I just found an awesome T-shirt you'll love.
Tell me that's not great. It's classy yet hilarious. Plus, I like that they appear to have given our murderous Dorothy a bit of an ethnic makeover. She's not from Kansas anymore? With all the Oz worship out there, this will get a big laugh for another century or so. Technically, this isn't free stuff you should send ME, but I can guarantee it would go to a deserving lady.

3.) And now one for me - Okay, here's the other Threadless choice of the day.
YEAH! I know! It's so incredibly cool that I just can't stand it. That's the SEUSS Army Knife. Get it?! I thought so.

That's it for this week gang, back at you with more wants next week!

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 43)

Well, it's that day of the week again, which means it's time for me to beg people out there to send an email to film@thereader.com in order to send me more than a mere email. The idea is that people in possession of the sorts of swag I mention below can contact me for an actual address at which to send me goods I did not pay for. Obviously, I'm kidding, this is just a collection of cool stuff. Or am I kidding about kidding? Is this a fun display of nerd items disguised as begging or begging disguised as me disguising nerd items with begging? The only way to tell is to send me these things. Specifically, here's what I want this week:

1.) Jesus? Darwin? Roddenberry - You have to give it up for the hubris of Trekkies (Trekkers, losers, whatever). I mean, the argument that has been going on over the rear bumpers of cars between those who support Jesus as the way of life and those who support the scientific discoveries of Darwin has been epic to say the least. For Shatner-enthusiasts to throw their hats in the ring, well that must just be because the general fish design kind of looks like the Enterprise. Look at the picture below on the right and tell me the best part of this.


Of course the dude drives a Prius, right? That shit is hilarious. Anyway, for those of you looking to make a non-religious statement on the back of your vehicle, buy the Trek fish here.

2.) Mom, I want to eat the Millennium Falcon - I've loved the Spider-man and Star Trek pancake makers, but I generally prefer to eat sandwiches. So howsabout a lunchbox that contains within it the molds necessary to sculpt a tie fighter and Millennium Falcon sandwich (sans crust, of course)?

You wouldn't even have to actually be a child to feel like one when you're mowing down the Imperial evil-doers with your mouth, or pretending to be a giant monster living inside an asteroid into which the Falcon can park itself. The possibilities are endless! Get your rad eating on via TheForce.net.

3.) Inconceivable! - Finally, we score one for the good guys. After years of board games being made into movies, we finally have an old movie turned into a board game.


If you couldn't tell from that really terrible shot, this is "Storming the Castle," as in "Have fun storming the castle," as in a Princess Bride board game. This cult classic that has turned into a global phenomenon has finally turned into a game that you can play while showing the world that you know every line of dialogue (and that's really not annoying at all). I'm not sure how many times one could play such a game, but then again, I've seen the movie approximately a billion times, so somewhere in there I'm guessing. Click here to save Princess Buttercup!

Okay, that's it for my weekly wants. I promise to yearn for more next week.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 42)

Well, it's Wednesday, which means you've almost made it through half of the week (that's a sad accomplishment when phrased that way, and I apologize for saying that). It also means that it's time for me to stand before you with my empty pockets pulled out, with my hands cupped, with a tear in my eye that says "please...please send me cool free swag because I promote awesomeness around the interwebs and it would be great for me to show others the coolness that I get for free." It's been months since it worked, which may be a sign that I'm only doing this for funsies to share with everyone the cool stuff available, or may be a sign that I am more committed than ever to getting the word out about my need for free crap. Probably the former, but let's pretend it's the latter. Quick, to the crap I'm hyping this week!

1.) I love this rug, and it knows - Here's how this works, you make an item involving Han Solo in carbonite and I will love it. End of story.
This is a throw rug (notice the fringe) that every male in the world should want proudly adorning the floor of their man cave, no matter how tiny said cave may be. The product potential of this one moment in movie history continues to amaze me. Do you think Lucas, high off on all of the Bolivian nose candy that Star Wars money could buy, thought "you know, in a few decades, they're going to use this as soap and rugs" when he was conceiving of this moment? God I hope so. Keep it coming. Don't tell me we're done with this yet. There has to be more ways to use Han Solo in Carbonite. I will never stop seeking them out.

2.) The single most effed up thing I've ever put here - I find some weird crap, mostly through ThinkGeek and Nerdapproved, but this takes the cake...and the cupcakes and the toaster strudels. Folks, this is a garden statue, I want you to remember that.
Yeah, that's right, it's a zombie crawling it's way up from the ground AS A GARDEN STATUE. I mean, sure, for Halloween, this is aces. You put one of these out there in a conspicuous place, put a sound recording of a mumbling about brains behind it, and you have one of the greatest show pieces for your suburban neighborhood's bizarre obsession with the macabre once a year. But, like, in July? Do you put this out there? I mean, I'm a sick bastard, but this is a bit much, right? No? I agree, I was just testing you. This is awesome.

3.) Most perfect shirt of all time? Maybe. - Yeah, Threadless has hit another home run. Better than the "realistic" muppet shirt they displayed a long time ago, I give to you "The X-Menagerie."
Seriously, what can you possibly not love about this? It's as perfect a shirt as has been made from fabric and dreams. The Wolverine alone is worth the price of admission, and let's not even talk about the Storm as a pretty, pretty pony angle. Hats off. Really, because if you're wearing this, no one will even look at your head.

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Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 41)

It's me again, but you knew that, right? This is my weekly chance to beg you for things, even though I'm really just sharing things with you that are cool, even though that's kind of a lie because I want you to send me stuff, even though you really don't have to, even though you should, even though you probably don't know how, even though you might send an email to film@thereader.com to get my address, even though you know I'm just kidding, even though I'm not.

Here are the things I want this week:

1.) I have longed to feast on the flesh of the undead, so...this really works works for me - Nerd Approved continues to be the best place to find strange, awesome things...and strange-awesome is the best kind of awesome next to hot-awesome, which is nowhere near as fun as strange-hot (which is what I like to call, the Vera Farmiga). So what do they have to make me hunger today?
How do you NOT want to eat Zombie Jerky? And not just because it's called Zombie Jerky, but because it's friggin' green meat. You've wanted green meat forever, right? At least since Sam I Am was all "you should eat green protein." They get extra points for the packaging, which has the contagion symbol AND the word "Teriyucky," and double points for the fact that the hand in that photo seems to have green UNDER THE FINGERNAILS. That's attention to detail. Get this for me.

2.) If you don't love Yahtzee, I don't love you - Seriously, who doesn't love Yahtzee? Nazis? Oh, God, nothing is worse than a Yahtzee-hatin' Nazi. If you are a normal human, go to ThinkGeek and pick up this:
That's Super Mario Yahtzee, which is the coolest thing Mario has ever done this side of Princess Peach. From the question mark block that will shoot out mushrooms and stars to the fact that I'm going to yell "it's-a-me!" every time I roll, this is endlessly entertaining for anyone who knows that Yahtzee is the coolest nonsense word ever. I smell game night! Seriously, I still smell it, nobody cleaned up.

3.) Sometimes, I'm angry. But I ALWAYS love Care Bears - The only answer to the fact that I am relentlessly grumpy at times is this shirt from Threadless.com.
OH GOD, look at how angry they are. The one on the right is wearing sunglasses AND IT'S ALREADY DARK. The one up top is smoking, because he invites cancer to fight him. The one on the left is going to kill you with a smiling star. They ruined a rainbow. Maybe even a DOUBLE RAINBOW. The one on the left is tagging something, probably a church. This shirt is so hardcore, it kicked my ass just for posting it. Enjoy.

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