Monday, March 1, 2010

But...but...what about Robocop?

Darren Aronofsky can do whatever the bleep he bleeping wants...especially because what he currently wants to do involves making Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman do it (if you haven't heard about his Black Swan right now, I'm too tired to do it justice so just re-read the last sentence and know that I'm not exaggerating...Kunis and Portman porkin'). The sad thing is, I want him to do Robocop, which is a brilliant movie that doesn't get the respect it deserves. If anyone else does it, we're going to get shitty shit that has shit shaped pieces of shit in it. So, in layman's terms, it will be bad. The problem is, Aronofsky and the studio (MGM) can't get their crap together for Robocop, so he just keeps booking other projects. This is good because (A) sometimes those projects involve Kunis and Portman freakin' each other and (B) Aronofsky is one of very few directors who has gone 4-for-4 to start their career. I tell you all of this rambling nonsense because it turns out I lied to you. Angelina Jolie is NOT signed for Alfonso Cuaron's sci-fi tale Gravity (although she is in talks). According to The Hollywood Reporter, she's also in talks with Aronofsky to star in his adaptation of the novel "Serena," which is about a husband and wife in the depression era who start a timber empire and do other dramatic stuff. If you take Aronofsky out of this equation, it sounds as appealing to me as a rousing game of "eat some lint." But WITH him in, you get a weird There Will Be Blood meets, um, Angelina Jolie? All I can think right now is her yelling "I drink your milkshake" and a bunch of dudes who still find Jolie's overinflated tube lips and increasingly batshit crazy eyes attractive. I will say that she's circling two VERY interesting projects, and whether she ends up in either Cuaron's or Aronofsky's film, whichever one she picks will be the best film she's made in a decade. Although, my money is on neither. My money is on her suddenly dropping both and starring in Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2: Baby on Board. Shudder.

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