A man machine that isn't Al Gore

First off, thanks to a DVR glitch (thanks Cox, not only does your internet sporadically reset itself so that I have to cycle my router every 2-3 hours WHILE WORKING FROM HOME, but your DVR sometimes decides to record a program from 6:59 pm to 6:59 pm), I JUST watched last week's "Community." I have to say a few words, even though it has NOTHING to do with what I'm about to talk about.

THIS IS THE SMARTEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. Last week's episode, which was nowhere near the funniest or most enjoyable, solidified the fact that it is not just the most clever, creative comedy on TV. Oh no, it's the SMARTEST SHOW on television. Sorry people-who-think-a-show-has-to-be-dour-and-mean-to-women-in-order-to-be-valuable...and sorry "30 Rock," who just got bumped to second place on the smart show big board. Facts are facts, and after watching a brilliant visual essay on post-postmodernism, "Community" is unparalleled. Not only was it a wink-and-nod at how the show has evolved into non-stop wink-and-nodding, but it tackled issues of naval-gazing filmmakers and blasted close-minded religious folks AND hard-headed atheists...before AFFIRMING the power of filmmaking and creating and embracing those committed to religious beliefs and atheists who are just doing what they believe. That's in a 22-minute COMEDY that also had a pretty funny subplot. It also had the two best lines of dialogue on television this year.

In second place: Said in reference to the time it takes to decipher complex meta-meta-meta filmmaking - "I mean, come on Charlie Kaufman, some of us got work in the morning."

In first place: This is just too great. "The Bible has been called the greatest story ever told." "Ben Lyons said the same thing about I Am Legend." - Folks, it DOES NOT get better than that.

Long, long, long, unrelated aside now complete. Watch "Community" or you're dead to me.

Okay, now the news I've come here to tell you. Darren Aronofsky wants to direct a movie about this guy.
Okay, not really. But kind of. See that IS Marvel Comic's Machine Man. And Aronofsky is directing a movie about Machine Man. Just not that Machine Man. Supposedly, the auteur is climbing behind the camera to direct a movie based on a novel that was released a page a day online. It's about a guy who replaces his body parts with metal. It sounds very Chuck Pahlaniuk-meets...well, Darren Aronofsky. It seems like a really good fit. The big issue this morning was that people were kind of confused how that would fit in with his current task of directing Wolverine 2. That was the moment at which most people realized, "Hey, we still haven't officially heard Aronofsky is directing Wolverine 2." It's been assumed, talked about, discussed, and even mentioned by the lead actor (Hugh Jackman), but we have yet to see official confirmation that the man signed on to direct a trainwreck...I mean, quality superhero film for 20th Century F-you. Chances are, he's just putting another film in the hopper, queuing it up for when he's finished with the mega-budget bonanza that nobody needs. Then again, maybe he's hedging his bets. I'm guessing the sticking point on that Wolvie 2 contract ain't money. I'm guessing it's a "Please don't force me to f**k up my movie at the last minute" clause, guaranteeing the studio can't come at him in the 11th hour with a note like "What if Wolverine suddenly could fly and fought Megan Fox?" Until they've worked out every issue, I remain leery that a guy who has yet to make even a modestly budgeted major studio film is going to agree to be their lap dog. We shall see. At least he has a backup if they balk.

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Is this comic movie bizarro day?

There is literally exactly ONE way I would be excited for X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Part Deux, and that's if Darren Aronofsky signed on to...MOTHERFU...are you kidding me right now? Darren Aronofsky is seriously circling this movie? For realz? What's next, Martin Scorsese doing Daredevil? Actually, that would be awesome, he should do that. Seriously though, this makes a measure of sense in the insanity: Hugh Jackman worked with DA on The Fountain, a criminally underrated visual poem that's dismissed as snooty when it's really gut-wrenchingly earnest. Plus, DA needs a bank-account-padder to keep making his crazy stuff. Beyond both of those, this guy seems to want to make a comic book movie. Between Batman and Superman, not to mention the non-comic-but-still-nerd-related Robocop saga he got embroiled in, it's clear this dude is determined to try something like this. My biggest concern is that he's working with the douche-legion at Fox. They so badly rogered that last Wolvie go-round that hiring the best director in the business right now is only moderately turning me on to the project. They are going to straight-up Kathy-Bates-in-Misery hobble him. The Japanese setting and bizarre mental backstory does allow some room for cool visual interpretation, but that's provided he gets a story that isn't as grotesque as Rush Limbaugh's politics. It's possible that this is somehow awesome, but it's definite that it's interesting. So kudos if this deal goes through, I will officially move the project from "Oh God, Oh God It Burns" to "Warning: May Cause Mental Diarrhea" in my list of upcoming movies.

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Requiem for a Superman?

First off, sorry about the lack of chatter regarding "The Event" today. As far as I can tell, "The Event" is that the Bears are 3-0. So my theories are still aliens or time travel, as there is no natural way that should have happened. So, if you're blinded by some kind of light today wherever you are, it's just my ear-to-ear grin at having a Bears team that is atop the NFC North, defeated the GD GB Packers, and are the only undefeated NFC team. Great Googily Moogily!

Speaking of eye-popping things, I may have been more than a little precognitive when I posted this image.Because apparently, in addition to the short list that was...listed...previously, we now have one more name to add to the Superman sweepstakes: Darren Aronofsky. Um...weird. I thought his name being tossed into the Batman hat pre-Nolan's anointing was offbeat but understandable. He is pulled by dark materials, as is evident in, you know, EVERY FILM HE'S EVER DONE. Can a director that talented stretch himself? Sure. Sure he can. But then do we lose the very aesthetic that made him great in the first place? I don't know. I still say if you want the best, most entertaining version of Superman, you want Snyder on that film. I really mean that. Anybody else may make a truly captivating, interesting film that presents a unique and original take on the character...and it will underperform and we'll be having this relaunch discussion AGAIN. And I don't like this discussion. I'd rather talk about the 3-0 Chicago Bears more.

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This isn't going to happen.

It's not going to happen. I just want to be clear, there's no scenario, no infinitesimal possibility that Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2, no matter who says he's down to the final two spots in consideration for the gig.
No way it happens. None. Zero. There's a greater chance I'll vote Tea Party. There's a greater chance of the Bears running the table this year. There's a greater chance that gravity will be revoked as a basic principle of physics. No Wolvie, no way.

Except...okay, well Hugh Jackman did rescue The Fountain, Aronofsky's masterwork that people unfairly overlook as pretentious when it is unabashedly romantic. Okay, and he does work for the studio who desperately needs this to be a hit, as they're running out of franchise materials. Right, and he did almost direct the Batman reboot before Nolan came along. And he does need some kind of bank in order to keep making the films he makes, which are very unusual and artistic. And rumors of his involvement have actually persisted for months without disappearing. And he did lose Robocop, which was going to be his marketable movie. Oh my GOD, Darren Aronofsky is going to direct Wolverine 2.

In reality, I still think it's going to be David Slade, the Twilight hack who has done nothing to warrant having me remember his name. But...there is that chance that Aronofsky feels the drive to do ONE mainstream picture...and that there's enough artistic elements in the journey to Japan to drive him. Maybe. Probably not. But maybe.

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It's REAL!

I won't lie, I was beginning to think I made up Black Swan. Why? Oh, I don't know, because one of my favorite directors (Darren Aronofsky) was making a movie in which Natalie Portman has "angry sex" with Mila Kunis. Could that be something my addled mind just invented out of thin air? Yeah, I think so. With each passing week in which I saw no footage from the supposed movie, no pictures from the set, and no phone calls or letters from Nat discussing it with me (what? I said she DIDN'T discuss it with me, which she obviously didn't), I was beginning to suspect they needed to up my dosage of "feel good" medicine. But then came the glorious moment before me right now. Folks, it's real.



I just saw Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis making out. Oh, sure, there's some really creepy music playing and apparently some weird demonic human-sized black swan thingie, but I saw it. I think that Aronofsky finally cracked the code on how to get heterosexual males to be interested in ballet: throw a little Portman on Kunis action in there. If all ballet featured such things, it would outrank the NFL in popularity.

All (most) kidding aside, how good does that movie look? I mean, holy crap was that intense. The gorgeous visuals (most notably those featuring Portman), the haunting music, the bizarre tension, the final shot of a bloody-eyed Natalie plucking a feather from her back...it's all got me more excited than is legally possible. I cannot wait for this one, folks. I cannot wait!

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I want to apologize

I've been doing this for a long time now, in fact, Friday is the 2 year anniversary of this blog. Yeah, I just squeezed some thought juice out of your mind grapes with that one, didn't I? Also, because even God is apparently a reader of this site, somehow my 1,000 post is going to pretty much line-up directly with that day in what can only be a symbol of direct divine intervention. Rad, huh? We'll get all whimsical and self-reflective that day, perhaps starting with some kind of explanation why I always say "we" when it's just me writing this. But the reason I'm nostalgic today is that I need to apologize. Oh, not to you, you'll love me no matter what...right? No, I need to apologize to Natalie Portman.
I've been talking so much about other girls, and I haven't barely made mention of this divine goddess, this diminutive angel, in so long that I believe her feelings are undoubtedly hurt. Nat, baby, I can't go back and undo what I've done, replacing stupid posts about the status of the unfinished Fraggle movie with odes to your every hair fiber. All I can do is find some meaningless bit of information to justify posting to you now. Like, say, a post on Slashfilm that found someone who claims to have seen a screening of Black Swan, the upcoming movie which I am looking forward to because director Darren Aronofsky is one of the best in the game right now, because the story sounds totally trippy (a ballerina begins having murderous delusions), and because you are infinitely talented. Okay, fine, I'm also mildly curious about the rumors that you totally do sexytime with Mila Kunis. There, I said it. The good news is, the random guy on the internet who claims to have seen a super secret screening said "I will say that Natalie Portman has never been better. Man is Natalie Portman good in it, yowzers." If you can't trust the word "yowzers" from a random Internet poster who calls himself "Money B," who can you trust? Point is, my darling, I will not leave you for that long again. I don't care if you never make another movie, I'll do a 8-week retrospective on Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium. I swear it.

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But...but...what about Robocop?

Darren Aronofsky can do whatever the bleep he bleeping wants...especially because what he currently wants to do involves making Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman do it (if you haven't heard about his Black Swan right now, I'm too tired to do it justice so just re-read the last sentence and know that I'm not exaggerating...Kunis and Portman porkin'). The sad thing is, I want him to do Robocop, which is a brilliant movie that doesn't get the respect it deserves. If anyone else does it, we're going to get shitty shit that has shit shaped pieces of shit in it. So, in layman's terms, it will be bad. The problem is, Aronofsky and the studio (MGM) can't get their crap together for Robocop, so he just keeps booking other projects. This is good because (A) sometimes those projects involve Kunis and Portman freakin' each other and (B) Aronofsky is one of very few directors who has gone 4-for-4 to start their career. I tell you all of this rambling nonsense because it turns out I lied to you. Angelina Jolie is NOT signed for Alfonso Cuaron's sci-fi tale Gravity (although she is in talks). According to The Hollywood Reporter, she's also in talks with Aronofsky to star in his adaptation of the novel "Serena," which is about a husband and wife in the depression era who start a timber empire and do other dramatic stuff. If you take Aronofsky out of this equation, it sounds as appealing to me as a rousing game of "eat some lint." But WITH him in, you get a weird There Will Be Blood meets, um, Angelina Jolie? All I can think right now is her yelling "I drink your milkshake" and a bunch of dudes who still find Jolie's overinflated tube lips and increasingly batshit crazy eyes attractive. I will say that she's circling two VERY interesting projects, and whether she ends up in either Cuaron's or Aronofsky's film, whichever one she picks will be the best film she's made in a decade. Although, my money is on neither. My money is on her suddenly dropping both and starring in Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2: Baby on Board. Shudder.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Hey, hey, hey. Welcome to the weird and wacky world that is my junk drawer, where we collect tiny movie news tidbits that don't quite warrant their own blog post (or do, but I'm too lazy). As per usual, we begin this week by looking at the above creepy-ass image taken from Highlights for Children (CHILDREN!) magazine and making up a ridiculous backstory about something we see. Today's object is the tiny pink square in the upper left corner. Had her father not intercepted the note that Suzie was going to pass to Matt, he would have known of her undying love. In fact, the two would have begun dating in middle school, briefly gone their separate ways in high-school and early college, before once more uniting at a reunion when Matt recalled the wonderful note she had given him. But with the note now trapped inside her father's junk drawer, Suzie ended up going out with Jason, who convinced her to take up huffing paint and committing small acts of vandalism. After a stint in Juvie, Suzie emerged hardened, and stabbed a math teacher when he dared correct her on her algebra. To think, if Suzie's dad had just minded his own business, she wouldn't be doing 25 to life. Oh well!

Now, on to all the glory my junk has to offer!

1.) Alicia Silverstone is not dead - Although the world thought she had perhaps died after her last failed television pilot, as it turns out, Alicia Silverstone is alive and somewhat kicking. Not only is she willing to get bare-ass naked to prove she likes vegetables (seriously, I would put images up here, but it ain't proper, google it), she's apparently going to reunite with Clueless director Amy Heckerling. Screen Daily is reporting that the pair are reuniting for Vamps, which is another f**king vampire movie. Now, even though the description of "two young vampires in New York city" sounds dumb as all get out, my hope is that Heckerling is able to bring some of the subversive genius she dropped with Clueless, but I'm guessing that's too much to hope for at this point. Instead, we're probably dealing with just another middling entry into the ever-expanding body of vampire films. Seriously, centuries from now, when our descendants finally figure out how to operate a DVD, they're going to be very disappointed in us. Very.

2.) I will refrain from all Cruz/cruise jokes - THR reports that Penelope Cruz doesn't mind scurvy...or at least she wants to hump Johnny Depp's peg leg. Why, whatever do I mean? I mean that this lovely lass:
Is going to wear an eyepatch. Or not, She's going to appear in the next Pirates of the Caribbean movie is what's actually going to happen, but she's likely going to just be filling the corset-stuffing quota. She's an improvement over the bland Kiera Knightley, that's fo sho, but why she wants to basically play a thankless supporting role is beyond me. Oh, wait, there's that whole Johnny Depp angle. Apparently, women will do all sorts of strange things to get near him, even though he looks like he would smell like the bathroom in a French bar. I liked the first of the series, didn't mind the second, and pretty much loathed the third, so here's hoping that cutting the fat (as in the skinny Orlando Bloom and Knightley) helps.

3.) Spider-man will be in 3D, so we can see all the angles of love - The only thing Avatar really did was to make everybody want to release their movies in 3D. Between Clash of the Titans going back and 3D-ing their movie and the announcement that just about any movie that can get away with it is going to dump their flick into the 3D bin, I'm about over this whole thing. It's a gimmick. It's a gimmick that they can use to charge us a lot more money. I'm not saying I won't ever go 3D again, but it's just not what gets my motor running. So news that Spider-man's reboot is going to be 3D fills me with the same meh feeling that the rest of the news about the project has left me with. Although, I would like to point out how stupid it is to drop your budget to $80 million, return everyone to high school so you can get cheaper, younger actors, and focus more on the love story...only to do this all in 3D?! I mean, seriously? Are the lovey dovey moments going to look more impressive if we see Peter Parker's emo hair flopping in all 3 dimensions? I'm guessing the device will be used like twice in the movie, so they should pro-rate the ticket price to reflect how little of it is actually in the third dimension. Whatever.

4.) Robocop is alive...but on life support - I want to see what Darren Aronofsky does with Robocop sooooo bad. I've loved each and every one of his movies and I cannot, cannot, cannot wait to see what he would do with a cyborg cop. Don't get me wrong, he can't excite me more than he already is by pairing up Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman in a carnal sense for his upcoming Black Swan, but Robocop is a distant but respectable second place. So here's some good news/bad news, screenwriter David Self tells STYD that he and Aronofsky are STILL on the project...but that MGM has its head up its ass. They can't agree on the rating (Aronofsky wants an R, because he's not an idiot...you can't do a PG-13 Robocop, you just can't) or the whole (sigh) 3D angle (here we go again). I'm not sure if this will be worth Aronofsky's trouble, or if he can deliver the movie I want him to deliver given the constraints of stupidity he's being shackled with. That said, the dream is flickering but still burning. I can only pray...and count down the days until I see Portman and Kunis and become Portikunis.

5.) Trailers, parked - Some REALLY good ones this week y'all. I'm not even going to flap my gums too much about it.

First up is Toy Story 3, and it looks as great as you'd expect. Plus, they get a "great ascot" joke AND a wonderful chase sequence. I'm so stoked, it's like I'm 5.


Toy Story 3 Trailer #2 in HD

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

Speaking of children's stuff that shouldn't excite me but I'm not a real grown-up, check out the new Last Airbender trailer. Although I am a little unclear why I haven't heard the main character SPEAK in any of the trailers (oh, please don't let him be as terrible as it appears he may be), I'm very interested in a property I had never before had any interest in whatsoever. This is your last chance, though, Shyamalan. Your LAST CHANCE.

That's it folks! I hope you are having a good week. Let's meet up again tomorrow for Friday, the only day of the week that everybody loves. Sorry every other day, but we do play favorites.

Honestly, I won't be listening

As Brendon at Slashfilm eloquently and intelligently notes, Clint Mansell's "Lux Aeterna" is "one of the most beloved, discussed and arguably overplayed pieces of film music in the medium’s entire history." I mean, I could give a shit because I love it so much, but he's totally right. I love it so much I'm going to post it right here just so I can listen to it again.



In fact, read everything that I write here on this blog with this soundtrack playing. Yeah, it will make my jokes a lot less funny but (A) you weren't going to laugh anyway and (B) I'll give up a little laughter in order to feel bad-ass, which is what this song makes everything feel like. To get to the point, Mansell scores director Darren Aronofsky's stuff, it's what he does. So he's going to score Black Swan, which is (wait for it) the movie in which Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have angry sex. Yep, photo time:

Okay, back to the actual story at hand. Mansell is going to base his score for Black Swan (potentially) on "Swan Lake." That's all kinds of awesome. He's going to jack with the structure and whatnot, but that's his plan. How cool would that be? The Slashfilm story goes on to talk about how Mansell's score for Moon was rad (which it was) and how he and Duncan Jones (the director of Moon) want to hook up again (for movies, not relations...although maybe that too, who's to say and I'm not judging) but may not be able to. I hope they do because I like them both very much, but until then, I'll have to console myself by thinking about Kunis on Portman action set to a funky "Swan Lake." Weird...but hot.

I will cover every single aspect of Black Swan

The Expendables may have the market cornered on testosterone, but it is not the upcoming film most likely to feel like a man (something modern science has struggled with for decades). No, the film most likely to make me re-experience puberty is Black Swan, a movie about ballet. Yeah, you heard me right. Why? Why would a movie about the art of dance cause me to feel more like Sylvester Stallone circa Demolition Man than like Sylvester Stallone circa saggy-boobed-steroid-arrest? Because, as we are reminded by Slashfilm, Black Swan is the movie in which Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman have “ecstasy-induced hungry aggressive angry sex.” I shudder every time I see those words. Well, the cast of the film is rounding out...and another smokin' hottie has been added. Slashfilm.com is exclusively reporting that

has joined

and

Oh, and apparently Barbara Hershey and Vincent Cassel have been added to the cast as well. Darren Aronofsky, who goes home to Rachel Weisz every night and pumps out good movies every single time out, will be directing these ladies engaged in ballet dancing and sin...and I cannot wait. If I ever say that I'm looking forward to a movie more than this, slap

Bank robbers to wear Aronofsky-masks

Get it? Aronof-SKI MASKS? I really shouldn't use headlines that rely on the pronunciation of confusing director names. Moving on, it turns out that Darren Aronofsky is going to move from directing a ballet movie (Black Swan) in which Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis have hot, angry sex (I'll be over here when you recover from that) to a movie about the biggest heist ever. Slashfilm.com is reporting that the director is adapting the story of the 2006 British robbery that netted more than $83 million in bank notes (or, as the write-up puts it "a sum of money so vast that if the notes were stacked up they would equal the height of high-rise building"). The robbery was led by a former UFC fighter (how crazy is that) and Aronofsky is intending on it being a character-based caper, which isn't surprising. I'm just glad that Guy Ritchie will be busy directing a sequel to Sherlock Holmes, because we've seen this movie from him already about a half dozen times. What we haven't seen is someone with Aronofsky's proclivity for emotionally demanding characters take on the whole slick crime thing. Again, he's one of those directors that has a free pass with me. Until he makes something I don't like, I will watch anything he does. Period. Also, he is married to Rachel Weisz. That has nothing to do with anything but must be respected. As excited as I am for Black Swan (and really, if you aren't, shame on you), I'm equally as excited for this. That's a lie. This one will not have hot, angry Portman/Kunis sex. Then again, maybe that will become his trademark, like Tarantino's dialogue or John Woo's double-gun jumping? It's a thought.