Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Gilligan's Island: The's like "Lost" only dumb

Variety reports that we're inching ever slowly towards a world in which we have a full-length, live-action, "reimagined" feature film of Gilligan's Island. Reminiscent of the moment that humanity first stole fire from the Gods or the first splitting of an atom, this brave take on a classic that defined a generation will be written by Brad Copeland, who hates us all. He was a staff writer on "Arrested Development," a fact I told you "AD" fans in order to crush your mental nuts with the fact that he also wrote the screenplay for Wild Hogs, the upcoming Yogi Bear movie, and is currently working on The Flight of the Navigator reboot. So as near as I can figure, this guy wakes up (possibly from a coffin or on the sticky floor of a public bus), dusts himself off, craps out 2-3 horrible ideas, and resumes huffing bicycle paint and snorting moldy cheese. I can't WAIT to see what he does with Gilligan's Island, which as far as I know was the inspiration for "Lost." Oh, wait, I do have a suggestion for how you can make this adaptation not suck, Mr. Copeland.
That's Evangeline Lilly dressed as Mary Anne. If the movie is 100 minutes of her in slow motion dressed like that, your movie will be an unprecedented success that I will view one million times. If it should contain anything else, like say Ashton Kutcher as Gilligan or on-the-nose casting like John Goodman as The Skipper, I will hire an army of sumo wrestlers to physically consume every frame of film on which you record your film (or whatever computer processor you store the digital material on). I will then have said army of sumo wrestlers fertilize your lawn with their Gilligan's Doody. Then, in the springtime, flowers will bloom that spew death. This is my promise to you. Good day, sir.

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