Monday funnies and other business

First up, some housekeeping...I'm not going to be blogging from Wednesday through Monday. Those who know me know that this is because I will be busy in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, as I am attending and coaching the brilliant UNO Forensics team as they compete at the AFA National Tournament. Those who don't know me, just consider it me taking the least relaxing vacation ever. I apologize to those for whom my words represent the best part of your day, but if that's the case...you really need help anyway.

Okay, because Monday is normally a day filled with anger and hostility, allow me to use anger and hostility to make you laugh. Here are two funny stories that "broke" over the weekend.

First up, is the writer of Battlefield Earth, JD Shapiro. In the New York Post, Shapiro explained how he came to write what many believe to be not just the worst movie of recent memory, but the worst movie of all time. It's easy: He blamed his penis. Basically, in an effort to get laid, he was seduced by a scientologist to pen a draft of the giant sci-fi book. He had previously written Robin Hood: Men in Tights, so clearly he had the chops to take on a mega-budget blockbuster. His story has hilarious anecdotes about John Travolta, and best of all, Shapiro never really passes the buck. He does note that the final draft was radically, radically different from what he wrote, to the point where he could have taken his name off of it, but chose not to for financial reasons. But ultimately, he steps up and notes that he is at least largely responsible for this atrocity against mankind. Well, he and his penis are responsible for it. Honestly, good for him. I'll blow your mind: If someone told me that I could become a paid screenwriter but that the movie I wrote would be talked about like a cinematic war criminal, I would do it. I wouldn't even hesitate. Shit, I would write Battlefield Earth 2 right now. Direct to video, even. You pay me to write a movie, I will write that movie...and I'm not even trying to get a little somethin' somethin'. So, to Mr. Shapiro and his bad-judgment inducing genitalia: Good for you.

Our next story is another one from the liar of all lying liars, Mark Millar. At Millarworld, the incredibly appropriately named site for all things Millar, the comic writer/human hype machine says that X-Men 4 was offered to him to pen...and that he turned them down. Is it possible that Fox Studios approached him for talks? Sure. Did they? Probably not. If they did, why would he turn them down? Millar will pretty much do anything he's offered ever. Hell, he tries to make up entire projects he's not even affiliated with just to get his name out there. Although he claims he feared he wouldn't have enough autonomy, chances are Fox either passed on HIM or things never got that far. Now, on a personal note, if you're listening, Mr. Millar...please stop this. You've written some really enjoyable comics. I enjoyed your "Fantastic Four" run, you've done some good stuff with X-people and the Ultimates line, but this madness needs to be over. You are just lying about sequels (Wanted 2), involvement in big projects (the Superman reboot), and now fictional writing gigs. From now on, if you don't have a picture of you talking to the people you say you're talking to or a signed contract, I'm going to treat you with all the attention I give to the third place finisher on "American Idol." I will read your comics, even though "Nemesis" kind of sucked in the first issue, but I refuse to encourage your lying habit. BAD, MILLAR. VERY VERY BAD.