Nemesis to give you epilepsy

If you're familiar with this blog, you'll know my firm policy regarding comic book writer and professional lying liar Mark Millar: Don't believe anything he says, even if it's "help me, I'm on fire" and you can see smoke. Luckily, this is actually a report from Deadline.com, who says that Tony Scott is attached to Millar's latest creator-owned comic, "Nemesis," which has a cool concept even if the comic itself feels a little flat.
The concept is simple: What if someone with the resources and skills of Bruce Wayne decided to become a villain instead of a hero. The main character plots these elaborately staged assassinations and crimes involving murder for fun. Tony Scott, whose films have alternated from totally spazzy and cool to totally spazzy and bad, will likely direct the whole thing like he's riding a seasick crocodile after a few 12 packs. On the one hand, this is a Millar movie that I think could be a vast improvement on the comic, because I find the pacing and general attitude to be a little off for what is a somewhat interesting concept. On the other, it's probably going to be a direct adaptation using an editing style that Ed Scissorhands would say featured too many cuts. Oh well, just another day in the life of comic book movie adaptations.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

How is it Thursday already? I can hear you now: "It's Thursday because yesterday was Wednesday. A-duh. Didn't your mother ever teach you how to use a calendar? You must be kind of stupid, Ryan." Well, call me old fashioned, but I still believe that telling time is a sin, so I hope all you fancy clockwatching daycounters enjoy your time in hell. Here's what I do know. I know that Thursdays are the days we look at my junk. No, not like a trip to the "special doctor's office." By my "junk" I mean movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post. We begin each week by looking at the creepy image of a junk drawer that was captured from the nightmare of a child and reprinted in Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN). We select one item from above and make a wacky story about it, because doing so amuses me (and probably no one else). Today's item is the green and red thing in the lower right corner. On the one hand, when Carlos invented the world's first pancreas grown entirely from algae, he was elated. It meant that all those years combining peg fetuses with swamp water wasn't just wasted time. On the other hand, if it could be transplanted into a human, it would likely mean that his mother-in-law would live. Carlos did what anyone would do: He put the pulsating green human/plant organ back into his junk drawer, never to mention his accomplishment to anyone.

Okay, enough weirdness, we have a great show for you tonight, Jay-Z is here, so stick around and we'll be right back.

Here are the top five minor news stories right now:

1.) Muppets + "Lost" = (Sound of Ryan's head popping like a Capri Sun that's improperly poked with a straw) - So...by now you know all about my "Muppet boner," which is maybe the most disgusting and inappropriate way to mention how much I adore the fuzzy creations of Jim Henson that are part nightmare and part pure joy. You also know that my passion for "Lost" may exceed my passion for 99% of humans on this big blue ball. Well if you combine the two, you pretty much just guaranteed I'm not going to get much else done. What you see before you is the merging of two worlds that I can only hope continues. I can only hope that next week I'm showing you a video of Spider-man's guest appearance on "Community" or Evangeline Lilly's surprise cameo in my house. It's rare that things I love merge, so look upon this union of things that are awesome and rejoice.



2.) Mark Millar: Professional Bullshitter - If Mark Millar ever tires of writing comics, he can successfully enter the world of politics, having told yet another in a series of lies that are designed to make him look good. He's like a guy trying to pick up a girl at a bar by telling her he's an astronaut...only it's never closing time and he'll sleep with ANYONE. A recent press release,
which you can see at Forces of Geek, states that Kick Ass 2: Balls to the Wall is going to start filming in 2011 for a 2012 release. Sigh, I don't know why I even acknowledge this, but let's quickly deconstruct this so I can go back to thinking about Muppets. (1) - Matthew Vaughn, director of the very incredible Kick Ass, just signed to direct a movie within the next year called X-Men First Class. He's going to be a little busy into 2011. (2) - Christopher Mintz-Plasse, McLovin', is pivotal to the second film (if you've seen the first, you know why). His official Twitter count basically said that Millar is spewing bullshit....again. (3) - Even though I loved the movie, as clear a sign that I can separate the art from the artist if I've ever done it, it wasn't a huge hit. It was a modest hit. I'm guessing if it does well in DVD/Blu-Ray sales, that will be taken into consideration. Plus, I'm guessing you can do the sequel pretty cheap. I don't doubt everyone is INTERESTED in doing this, but it isn't a sure thing yet. In other words, sell your booze-laced, cologne-infused pick-up lines for some other floozy, Millar. This one's not biting.

3.) Dark Tower is finally coming! Booooooo - Even though people have wanted to see Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series is among the most beloved of the author's works, not one of them should be happy about the news that a movie is finally happening. Why? Because the people who now own the rights are Brian Grazer...and Ron Howard. Howard, who has been sliding from mediocrity to outright hackitude for a decade now, is talking about making a movie that would lead into a TV show. In the right hands, I'd say "this is how the material should be handled." In Howard's hand, I say "ruh-roh, Raggy." You just know he's going to invite crapmaster Akiva Goldsman in to write the thing. His writing is so wretched, so irredeemably awful that we'd be best lighting our minds on fire as an alternative to watching something he wrote. Let's just agree to read some books and pretend that this bit of news never happened, mkay?

4.) Emma Stone all the time - News regarding Emma Stone has been coming fast and furious lately. Good. Ever since I saw her in Superbad I knew she would be superhuge. She's got this great gravel voice, kind of looks like an anime girl would look in real life (seriously, her eyes are half of her face), and she has a personality that, goshdurnit, is just infectious.

It's funny that this next bit of news pairs her with Catherine Keener, who has a lot of those same traits (other than the whole anime thing). Keener is, to me, the actress almost all young starlets should pattern their career after. She makes big hits, little indie gems, and is always awesome. The two of them are not going to appear in a film together. But they've both agreed to voice characters in The Croods, another Dreamworks animated film. Unlike some of the other minor works from the studio, this caveman comedy is based on a screenplay in part developed by John Cleese, who white people know from Monty Python (in one of the funniest conversations I've ever heard, a non-white friend of mine mentioned that any time a white dude said something that made another white dude laugh but my friend couldn't understand why, it was always a Monty Python reference). Nicholas Cage and Ryan Reynolds are also voices in there, but Stone's voice will stand out. She's got a perfect voice for such things. Love.

5.) Trailers, Parked - We've got a raunchy killer, a cool killer, and a killer tire for you this week.

First up...what has been dubbed the "illegal" Machete trailer. You remember that this is the movie that sprang from Grindhouse's fake trailer. It has a ton of people in it that are moderately famous (and DeNiro, who just used to be famous), and has a story that gives the middle finger to Arizona's immigration practices before they were even real. Wrap your mind grapes around that one. This one has naughty language in it, but if you're clicking on the trailer for a movie called Machete, you had to kind of figure, right?



George Clooney as an assassin? I could explain The American more than that, but I don't think I have to. Here's the trailer.


This is a movie about a killer tire with mental powers. It's called Rubber and it will now be your new obsession. Yes it's real. Yes it's a killer tire. Enjoy, America.



Okay, that's it for my weekly junk. You can now feel free to move about the cabin.

Friday Blitz 1: Kristen Stewart is Wanted?

This week hasn't been an all-you-can-eat buffet of movie news. Nope, it's been a prisoner's meal of gruel and water...and ain't nobody like no gruel. Then, suddenly, the dam breaks and we get news breaks like DAAAAMN. So, I'm going to stop making with all the jibber-jabber and start making with a series of quick pieces of really interesting news. Plus, given that the NFL Draft started yesterday (not that my team, The Chicago Bears, would know that...they had no first round picks) and continues into today, the football metaphor seemed right.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give unto you: The Friday Blitz.

First up, I've soften my Kristen Stewart position recently from "Uh, uh" to "why not" based both on her flippant attitude towards her own franchise and her willingness to do this photo shoot.
So, when E! Online reported that Kristen Stewart is up for the female lead in Wanted 2, I was surprisingly okay with it. First, she's cute. Second, if she wants to try action, now's the time. Third, I could sooooo care less about the integrity of the Wanted series that if they want to cast a talking monkey and Pia Zadora, I'd be able to enjoy it. A quick word of apology to Mark Millar. I thought for sure you were just talking out of your sideways smile about this sequel still being possible after Angelina Jolie departed. Turns out, this time you were talking out of your sideways smile and happened to be right. Mea culpa.

Monday funnies and other business

First up, some housekeeping...I'm not going to be blogging from Wednesday through Monday. Those who know me know that this is because I will be busy in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, as I am attending and coaching the brilliant UNO Forensics team as they compete at the AFA National Tournament. Those who don't know me, just consider it me taking the least relaxing vacation ever. I apologize to those for whom my words represent the best part of your day, but if that's the case...you really need help anyway.

Okay, because Monday is normally a day filled with anger and hostility, allow me to use anger and hostility to make you laugh. Here are two funny stories that "broke" over the weekend.

First up, is the writer of Battlefield Earth, JD Shapiro. In the New York Post, Shapiro explained how he came to write what many believe to be not just the worst movie of recent memory, but the worst movie of all time. It's easy: He blamed his penis. Basically, in an effort to get laid, he was seduced by a scientologist to pen a draft of the giant sci-fi book. He had previously written Robin Hood: Men in Tights, so clearly he had the chops to take on a mega-budget blockbuster. His story has hilarious anecdotes about John Travolta, and best of all, Shapiro never really passes the buck. He does note that the final draft was radically, radically different from what he wrote, to the point where he could have taken his name off of it, but chose not to for financial reasons. But ultimately, he steps up and notes that he is at least largely responsible for this atrocity against mankind. Well, he and his penis are responsible for it. Honestly, good for him. I'll blow your mind: If someone told me that I could become a paid screenwriter but that the movie I wrote would be talked about like a cinematic war criminal, I would do it. I wouldn't even hesitate. Shit, I would write Battlefield Earth 2 right now. Direct to video, even. You pay me to write a movie, I will write that movie...and I'm not even trying to get a little somethin' somethin'. So, to Mr. Shapiro and his bad-judgment inducing genitalia: Good for you.

Our next story is another one from the liar of all lying liars, Mark Millar. At Millarworld, the incredibly appropriately named site for all things Millar, the comic writer/human hype machine says that X-Men 4 was offered to him to pen...and that he turned them down. Is it possible that Fox Studios approached him for talks? Sure. Did they? Probably not. If they did, why would he turn them down? Millar will pretty much do anything he's offered ever. Hell, he tries to make up entire projects he's not even affiliated with just to get his name out there. Although he claims he feared he wouldn't have enough autonomy, chances are Fox either passed on HIM or things never got that far. Now, on a personal note, if you're listening, Mr. Millar...please stop this. You've written some really enjoyable comics. I enjoyed your "Fantastic Four" run, you've done some good stuff with X-people and the Ultimates line, but this madness needs to be over. You are just lying about sequels (Wanted 2), involvement in big projects (the Superman reboot), and now fictional writing gigs. From now on, if you don't have a picture of you talking to the people you say you're talking to or a signed contract, I'm going to treat you with all the attention I give to the third place finisher on "American Idol." I will read your comics, even though "Nemesis" kind of sucked in the first issue, but I refuse to encourage your lying habit. BAD, MILLAR. VERY VERY BAD.

I've officially had it with Mark Millar

As a comic writer and idea man, I like Mark Millar. I met him at the Chicago Comic-con...which I went to for research, yeah that's the ticket...and he was a cool guy. But if you put a publicist or journalist in the room with him, he develops verbal diarrhea and begins spewing lies like you took a factually inaccurate roll of Mentos and shoved it into a vat of wholly inaccurate Coke. He's a Mount Vesuvius of untruth, a planet-sized asteroid of lies, the King Kong of crap. And he's at it again. Mere DAYS after trying to convince the world that they're going to make Wanted 2 despite the fact that Angelina Jolie left AND THE STUDIO SAID THEY WEREN'T DOING IT, he's now giving interviews (which you can see at Bleeding Cool) about how he's going to direct a movie. He was "inspired by District 9" to set a genre story in Scotland that he describes as “cool as X-Men 2 was” and a “21st Century Trainspottingy kind of thing about people with super powers.” Wow. I mean, if this were real or possibly happening in any way, this collection of words I recognize from superior projects done by other people would really make me interested. Sadly, Millar plays a strange game of verbal twister, whereby he puts his right hand on District 9, his left hand on X-Men 2, and his right foot on Trainspotting before vomiting lies all over the mat. The reality of Millar actually creating such a thing are somewhere between a high-schooler's belief that he's going to get laid and Cubs fans' belief that "this is the year." I don't wish Millar ill will, I really don't. I just wish him lockjaw.

Mark Millar is a lying liar and other things that curdle my milk

About a week ago, I told you that Angelina Jolie was dumping Wanted 2 like a long-time girlfriend dumps her loser, go-nowhere boyfriend who has been mistreating her for years and years after she one day realizes that there's a line of better men standing at her door with money, positive healthy affection, and true love. Of course, I also told you that the jilted ex, comic writer and professional liar Mark Millar, would....well, let's look at EXACTLY what I said he'd say. If we set the DeLorean to February 26, 2010 (or, you know, click here), you can see me say the following: "I GUARANTEE you that Mark Millar, who wrote the original comic, is going to come out and state that the sequel is ON, he wrote the shit out of it, it's going to star some super-secret-mega-star, and be directed by Jesus. Millar is a liar." Well, click here to watch Millar open his lie hole and force a whole lot more lies out of it about the sequel still being on. (A) Nobody is clamoring for this sequel. Nobody even knows why you would have this sequel. No storylines were left out there to explore, no characters were all that compelling, and the only things that made it interesting were Jolie's butt and director Timur Bekmambetov's visuals, neither of whom will be back. (B) Everyone in the world has forgotten about Wanted except the guy who wrote it, so shut it doucheburger. (C) There will not be a sequel to Wanted just because you say there will be. If that shit worked, you'd be writing the Superman movie instead of talking up a nonexistent sequel, asshat.

This may sound angry...and you know what, I kind of am today. Why? Well, I won't bore you with personal details, so let's talk about a semi-professional one (professional meaning entertainment-related) I finished Season 5 of "Weeds" last night. So, basically, I'm pissed for having wasted 7.5 hours of my life on what is the poorest excuse for a season of television I may have ever watched. Characters I love, dearly love, behaved like idiotic cartoons and tread water for 13 whole episodes. I shit you not, this entire season could have been skipped over with a "one year later" card without losing an iota of significance. I won't spoil things but sweet tap-dancing Betty White this was a piece of shit season. They pissed on great actors and actresses and made them dance like pathetic clowns. If I had read the scripts, I likely would have just quit if I were them. Anyway, this is part of the reason I want to punch Mark Millar in his stupid lie hole. What can I say? I'm a dumpster full of drop kicks, you knew this going in.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Please imagine me with my legs delicately crossed, sipping what you believe to be hot cocoa but what is really straight, rot-gut moonshine out of an irreverent mug of some kind, sitting in front of a roaring fire made of copies of Hannah Montana on DVD. That has nothing to do with me telling you about the items in my "junk drawer" that are worth noting but not worth their own post, but it's how I like you to think of me.

Here are the top 5 stories I cared about...but not that much.

1.) Like a bad actor in a Shakespeare play, Blockbuster continues its melodramatic death - Hey, apparently this thing called Netflix is catching on and Blockbuster is sucking it because of it. THR is reporting that 960 stores (likely one that you visit frequently) are closing. That's about 20%. Redbox is the new model for on-the-spot renting for those not ambitious or skilled enough to use Pay-Per-View on their cable boxes, and Blockbuster will likely follow suit. I personally hate this, as I like walking into a video store, strolling around, picking up things that may interest me, and then selecting something. I like the experience. Then again, what do I know, I delicately cross my legs. If it were me, I would work on making a reason to go to the stores or Blockbuster won't exist at all anymore. It's time to redesign their model, and the kiosk thing like Redbox sounds good, but won't last long either. I'd try to make renting a more fun experience somehow. Don't ask me how, I don't work for you.

2.) This movie comes with free hubris - Kick Ass hasn't come out yet. I don't even mean the frakkin' movie, I mean the end of the comic book. The movie is going to beat the comic to the stores at this rate. Ugh. Anyway, Mark Millar, writer of the comic book and influential player in the film adaptation, is known for running his mouth like his tongue was Usain Bolt. He supposedly mentioned that a teaser for the sequel is going to appear at the end of the first film...and that the same teaser is going to pay off the first run of the comic series. So...if I'm reading this right, he's saying that they have plans for a sequel to a comic book series that isn't finished and a movie that isn't out yet. It's incredible that this guy can sit with nuts that big. I'm hopeful for the film, hell it has a John Romita Jr animated sequence in it. Most of you don't know what that means, but that's like the single greatest phrase ever to me. Still...wowza, this guy is sure convinced he rules. It reminds me of this one time I met him. You have to understand he has this thick Scottish accent. So I'm at the Chicago Comic Con (shut up) and I'm going through a line of primarily artists having them sketch something for me in my book (really, shut up). I get to Millar and I skip him because he's, you know, a writer. He grabs my book and says "Don't want ME to draw I see? You want a f**king Wolverine? I'll draw a f**king Wolverine." And he did. And it was good. It was quite funny and he was very, very nice...but that kind of shows his stones, don't it?

3.) Stormtrooper's Lament - I'm going to let this one speak for itself. Sure, it's kind of twisted, but I hope that 8 years later we've reached a point where we can use ridiculous sci-fi analogies to laugh at tragedy. If not, I didn't make the damn thing. Don't look at me.

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

God, that's funny.

4.) Lincoln's got a case of the creepys - This trailer is for what could be the next Blair Witch, low-budget horror phenomenon. It looks pretty creepy, and what's awesome is that Lincoln is one of the places that's listed as getting the film early! How cool is that! So, watch it, get a little creeped out, and check out our review down the road.





5.) These people love us - Perhaps the best story of the week that's only worth minor mention because it's likely not going to happen: People are trying to stop the release of Love Happens, claiming somebody jacked their screenplay. I have not read their case, I do not have any information as to what actually happened, and I'm convinced they are right...mostly because they're asking for an injunction to stop the film's release. If they win, all of humanity is saved...so, I hope the judge does the right thing.

That's my junk for the week, gang. See you tomorrow to mop up before the weekend.