Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Two blockbusters but only one Will Smith

Dear Will Smith,

I like you. I mean, you know that. Everyone likes you. Hell, most Republicans like you, and you're both black and an alleged Scientologist. You make great movies when you try and good ones when you don't. In fact, I like you so much, I usually just pretend I never saw Hitch, that way I have no ill will. I'm writing you this because you're at a crossroads. It's a tiny crossroads, like imagine Papa Smurf and a Fraggle working together on a miniature transcontinental railroad, but a crossroads nonetheless. Although neither of these are going to be your Oscar movie, you should relax about that. We just gave a trophy to "The Dude" for basically playing an older version of "The Dude." Sandra Bullock has one now...that has to burn doesn't it. Anyway, I know you'll get your statue eventually, probably when you play a villain like I've been suggesting for forever because that will show you playing against type. No, what we're talking about here is your next mega-movie, your next top-grossing popcorn flick. You have two choices but can't do both because of time commitments: You can do Men in Black 3 or The City That Sailed. Obviously, we all know what MIB3 (sorry, it's okay if I use that sure-to-be-used abbreviation already, right?) will look like, but The City That Sailed would be something different. According to Variety, it's about "a girl, who moves to London, finds magic candles that make her wishes comes true, with unintended consequences: The island of Manhattan separates from the continent and floats toward England, bringing her dad ever closer." Mr. Smith, Will...that movie is going to suck. Oh, it sounds good. It sounds like it could have some spectacularly original visuals and potentially moving moments, but we both know that won't happen. It will get dumbed down and deflated. It will get turned into a turd, and we both know it. They'll get some schmuck like the douche behind Night at the Museum to do it, and before you know it I'm ready to light my eyeballs on fire as you whimper "I'm coming, baby" or whatever awful dialogue they drop on you. Consider, Etan Cohen who wrote Tropic Thunder and Idiocracy, two very funny movies, has written the MIB3 draft. Josh Brolin, a very good actor, is also attached. Also, you haven't made a GOOD Men in Black movie yet, so there's that. And we all love Tommy Lee Jones, but only when he's a familiar asshole and not a new asshole. Look, Will, I know that whichever project you pick will make more money than my entire family lineage will ever accumulate. But I implore you to choose the lesser of two evils. Complete the trilogy, if only to prevent yourself from starting a new one. Don't think it can happen? They want you to make a sequel to Hancock, Mr. Smith...Hancock. Just think about it. If you need any further career advice, like don't star in a movie that has a plot device involving jellyfish, you know where to find me.

Ryan Syrek...I was going to say "your biggest fan," but I keep remembering movies you did I didn't let's go with "moderate supporter.

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Anonymous Do I really need to mention that I would be the one to comment on the Mr. Smith post said...

Hancock. Jellyfish is a reference you have no context for. Da Douche.

March 24, 2010  

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