ET to class up E.T. series

Let's face it, Men in Black III is a cash grab as sure as if it involved a ski mask and pistol. I don't care, provided they actually capitalize on the limitless idea by making with the funny...oh, and as long as there's no song. Seriously, Big Willie, if you bust out a return to rhyme for MIBIII, I'm going to finally give Jazzy Jeff your address...and we'll see how that turns out for you. The third installment of the unnecessary-but-potentially-cool series is getting a touch of class in the form of Emma Thompson, who is just incredibly talented as an actress and capable of looking really beautiful. What? SHE IS I SWEAR!

Okay, so the last time you saw her, she looked like this:
And the time before, she looked like this:
But believe it or not, she actually looks like this:
Yeah, I know, right? The idea is that she's likely out of the age range for Josh Brolin and Will Smith's love interest, because I believe the rule for male actors in movies is that you divide their age in half and round up to legal and that's the target age of the actress paired opposite them. Thompson is also kind of not the right age for Tommy Lee Jones, who is 97 years young. So my thought is that she's going to be the new boss. Rip Torn isn't quite up to the task (and may or may not be in prison or rehab), so it's likely that the MIB will answer to a WIB...although I'd prefer it if the ladies wore white, just to really balance things out. Either way, the woman is funny, talented, beautiful, and classy as all hell. What I'm saying is, this franchise just married up.

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Attack of the sequels

Today brings us three sequel news items, two of which involve third sequels. Everybody loves sequels, right? Who doesn't have fond memories of sitting around with the family to watch Big Momma's House 2 or Critters 4? Why, it seems like just yesterday that Scary Movie 4 was playing whilst Granny and Grandpa shared some of their last memories together. Any sequel is a good sequel, right? Especially when they feature Big Willie (and for once I'm not using Big Willie to refer to Nic Cage's hairpiece).

Here's the sequeltastic info:

1.) Men in Black III - Director Barry Sonnenfeld, who redeemed himself with the beautiful "Pushing Daisies," swears to whatever golden calf Hollywood directors pray to that both Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith are back for MIBIII. Thank God. I mean, without Tommy Lee Jones, this thing would have zero chance at the box office. Am I right? No word on plot or an official timetable, but you can sleep a little easier knowing that Smith will be back punching aliens and saying one liners. As I've mentioned before, there is a way to do this film that would be good. They just won't choose that route. Instead, they'll probably hire the guy who wrote Night at the Museum 2...another incredibly important sequel.

2.) Bad Boys III - Martin Lawrence is claiming that the Fresh Prince shall returneth to Bad Boys. This is obviously a little more difficult to swallow, as Martin Lawrence is both totally crazy and mostly washed up. Far from the heyday in which he was in demand by himself, Lawrence is now only as popular as the ensemble he hitches his star to. Remember Wild Hogs? EHHHHHHH!! Trick question! If you answered yes to that, go kill yourself. Nobody should see Wild Hogs, and those that do should bleach their brains of it. If you remember Wild Hogs, you're only going to do something that we'll all regret. Anyway, there's no timetable on this one either, and it comes from crazypants. I just thought I'd mention it.

3.) Avatar 2 - I could care less if we ever "return to Pandora" as the incessant commercials for the release of Avatar's DVD suggest. Once was enough, thanks. Now comes word that James Cameron has revealed where most of the next movie would take place (provided he doesn't lose focus and take another 12 years to make a movie): the oceans of Pandora. Combining Cameron's love of aliens and water, a crossover he mined well with The Abyss, we're going to descend into the totally unique oceans on Pandora to...do something. Who cares! We'll figure out the reason and plot later. Just know that "oooooh, pretty fishie things" are coming!!! Whatever.

Two blockbusters but only one Will Smith

Dear Will Smith,

I like you. I mean, you know that. Everyone likes you. Hell, most Republicans like you, and you're both black and an alleged Scientologist. You make great movies when you try and good ones when you don't. In fact, I like you so much, I usually just pretend I never saw Hitch, that way I have no ill will. I'm writing you this because you're at a crossroads. It's a tiny crossroads, like imagine Papa Smurf and a Fraggle working together on a miniature transcontinental railroad, but a crossroads nonetheless. Although neither of these are going to be your Oscar movie, you should relax about that. We just gave a trophy to "The Dude" for basically playing an older version of "The Dude." Sandra Bullock has one now...that has to burn doesn't it. Anyway, I know you'll get your statue eventually, probably when you play a villain like I've been suggesting for forever because that will show you playing against type. No, what we're talking about here is your next mega-movie, your next top-grossing popcorn flick. You have two choices but can't do both because of time commitments: You can do Men in Black 3 or The City That Sailed. Obviously, we all know what MIB3 (sorry, it's okay if I use that sure-to-be-used abbreviation already, right?) will look like, but The City That Sailed would be something different. According to Variety, it's about "a girl, who moves to London, finds magic candles that make her wishes comes true, with unintended consequences: The island of Manhattan separates from the continent and floats toward England, bringing her dad ever closer." Mr. Smith, Will...that movie is going to suck. Oh, it sounds good. It sounds like it could have some spectacularly original visuals and potentially moving moments, but we both know that won't happen. It will get dumbed down and deflated. It will get turned into a turd, and we both know it. They'll get some schmuck like the douche behind Night at the Museum to do it, and before you know it I'm ready to light my eyeballs on fire as you whimper "I'm coming, baby" or whatever awful dialogue they drop on you. Consider, Etan Cohen who wrote Tropic Thunder and Idiocracy, two very funny movies, has written the MIB3 draft. Josh Brolin, a very good actor, is also attached. Also, you haven't made a GOOD Men in Black movie yet, so there's that. And we all love Tommy Lee Jones, but only when he's a familiar asshole and not a new asshole. Look, Will, I know that whichever project you pick will make more money than my entire family lineage will ever accumulate. But I implore you to choose the lesser of two evils. Complete the trilogy, if only to prevent yourself from starting a new one. Don't think it can happen? They want you to make a sequel to Hancock, Mr. Smith...Hancock. Just think about it. If you need any further career advice, like don't star in a movie that has a plot device involving jellyfish, you know where to find me.

Sincerely,
Ryan Syrek...I was going to say "your biggest fan," but I keep remembering movies you did I didn't like...so let's go with "moderate supporter.

W finally cares about black people

You know, every once and a while I get to come up with a title for a blog post that just kicks ass. Rarely, the title isn't some wild tangent I've decided to chase for the sake of momentary levity (or for the sake of a momentary Eugene Levy...see, they work like that); no, every once in a great while it's ACTUALLY something accurate AND funny...to me anyway, you don't have to laugh if you don't want to Mr or Ms Grumpy Pants. See, the news that accompanies that headline comes to us from Los Angeles Times Hero Complex Blog who reveal that Josh Brolin, who played George W Bush in the movie W, is being considered for a role in Men in Black 3. So, obviously, I'm making a clever play off of this:



God, it never gets old watching Mike Meyer's face during that segment, does it? Two thoughts: 1 - With everybody bagging so hard on President Obama's time in office, I'd like to take a minute to remind the universe that our last administration got us into 2 wars, a recession, presided over the mishandling of Hurricane Katrina and the biggest terrorist attack in our history, revoked habeus corpus, spent more money than every administration before...COMBINED, took something like eleventy billion vacation days, watched his vice president shoot someone in the face, wanted to put all of our social security money INTO THE STOCK MARKETS (which he then slowly watched crash), leaked the name of a CIA agent for vengeance, and f**king physically tortured people. Seriously, KANYE WEST figured out how bad the last president was...KANYE WEST. I'm not saying we judge the presidency on a curve, but seriously...the last guy was a glue-eater who nearly destroyed us, provided Barack Obama doesn't go door to door lighting Americans on fire, he's winning. Don't make me bring Kanye back up in this bitch to make my point. 2 - I kind of want to see Men in Black 3 now. Not only do I love Josh Brolin, but I enjoyed Etan Cohen's Tropic Thunder script. See, when I try hard, I can stick to the topic for a sentence or two.

I am no longer morally opposed to Men in Black III

To me, the Men in Black movies are like dry humping. Sure it feels "good" but nowhere near as good as it could feel. Seriously, you have a premise like an intergalactic police squad, you have Tommy Lee Jones and Will Smith, and you toss out two tepid movies where the climax is virtually identical and the big plot device involves stopping one bad guy from getting one item? Blah and bland and blerg. Oh, and all of the jokes fall under the Will Smith one-liner category. I grant you that the films are mostly harmless...except for this:

But at the same time, oh how funny they could be if someone took advantage of the full scope of effects, story potential, and acting talent. Well, it looks like we may get to "take this to the next level," as everyone on the Internet seems to be reporting that Etan Cohen (who is sort of like a Coen brother who moved the H from his first name to his last) is going to be writing the third installment of the franchise. Cohen wrote Tropic Thunder, which made me laugh very hard (and not just at the actors but because of the concepts and plot devices, which is really refreshing. I'm not saying that this moves the impending MIB:III from "if I have to" to "boy howdy" but it does make me slightly interested, which is a good start.