Friday, March 19, 2010

Wolfman nard lovers, rejoice!

True story: When we first got our VCR, I was living in Wisconsin. My dad was at work, and my mom took me and my sister across the street to one of those stores that don't have an actual business name, they just have a sign for what they do. She took us to Beer, Cheese, Wine, Video (obviously, we were only after cheese and video at that point). My sister rented an "Inspector Gadget" cartoon. I conned my mom into renting Monster Squad. If you don't know what that is, here's the preview:

Yeah, that's right, back in the late 80s, they let kids star in things that weren't cutesy pieces of crap like Alvin and the Chipmunks and Hotel for Dogs. They let kids star in a movie where they shot guns, fought unholy demons from the beyond, and kicked Werewolves in the nards. Now that, my friends, is entertainment. I thought the movie was AWESOME, but my sister didn't sleep for a month. She still has flashbacks I think. For years I've wondered why they haven't remade this one, with new special effects and whatnot (I wonder the same thing about that one movie where Howie Mandell played a monster). Now they are. Deadline is reporting that the guys who are intent on remaking every single horror movie ever made, Platinum Dunes, are ready to remake this one. This makes me happy. I actually think if they did this right, which they probably won't, this could be awesome. First off, there's going to be the temptation to move up the ages of the characters, meaning they're going to want a CW cast with nubile teen starlets and likely gay male hunks. This is bad. The original worked because the KIDS were fighting the monsters. You lose the funny and originality when people who have facial hair get involved. Then you just have a big screen version of "Supernatural." Second, they're going to want to either radically pussify the action/horror or radically increase it. Either way is dumb. You should keep it at that perfect level, the level that terrified my 8-year-old sister while elating her 10-year-old brother. Finally, they're going to want to play it as a B-movie. Here's the thing, it IS a B-movie, you don't have to PLAY it that way. This is where people go wrong. Snakes on a Plane collapsed because it was so obvious they were trying to be intentionally B-movie-licious. You just need to redo it with modern effects and call it a day. Oh, and if you change that nard line, I'll stab you.

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Anonymous Megan said...

nnnnnnnnoooooooooooooooooo! It's only a movie, it's only a movie, it's only a movie. It can't be remade because it was only a bad dream.
And no I didn't rent Inspector Gadget, probably more like Strawberry Shortcake or Carebears.

You scarred me that makes you rotten brother.

March 20, 2010  

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