I'm officially toying with my friend's emotion

The easiest way to explain this is SAT question style: Spiderman is to Ryan, as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is to Cameron. Now, don't get me wrong, my beloved cartoonish fetish spouts phrases like "With great power, comes great responsibility" whereas his says "Cowabunga," so that formula isn't perfect. Still, I remember the interminable suffering I experienced whilst waiting for them to finally make a live-action version of Spidey I could truly enjoy. Let's face it, although thrilling in the 1990s, the original non-animated TMNT movie eventually led to this:



I included this clip because it featured Vanilla Ice giving his rationale for why he accepted the job. Previously, I thought the answer was "during this time in my life, I just do whatever the great Lord Satan tells me to. If I disobey, he'll instantly take my fame away and leave me starring in a Vh1 reality show with a dude porn star, and nobody wants that." Anyway, Cambo, buck up buddy because we have some real movement on a live-action turtle flick that presumably doesn't involve the worst rapper this side of Andy Rooney. According to Deadline, Michael Bay's Platinum Dunes production company is going to be stepping in to help the $60 million flick get rolling. This involvement means we're likely going to actually see this sooner than later, as this company gets shit done, yo. See, turtle-lovers, there's nothing to worry about, whenever Platinum Dunes and Michael Bay is involved, you know the story is the single most important thing. Oh, and April O'Neal will now have size 38 DD breasts, all of the turtles will be equipped with rocket launching machine guns, and at least one of them is going to be crazy racist. GOOOOOO TURTLES!

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Wolfman nard lovers, rejoice!

True story: When we first got our VCR, I was living in Wisconsin. My dad was at work, and my mom took me and my sister across the street to one of those stores that don't have an actual business name, they just have a sign for what they do. She took us to Beer, Cheese, Wine, Video (obviously, we were only after cheese and video at that point). My sister rented an "Inspector Gadget" cartoon. I conned my mom into renting Monster Squad. If you don't know what that is, here's the preview:

Yeah, that's right, back in the late 80s, they let kids star in things that weren't cutesy pieces of crap like Alvin and the Chipmunks and Hotel for Dogs. They let kids star in a movie where they shot guns, fought unholy demons from the beyond, and kicked Werewolves in the nards. Now that, my friends, is entertainment. I thought the movie was AWESOME, but my sister didn't sleep for a month. She still has flashbacks I think. For years I've wondered why they haven't remade this one, with new special effects and whatnot (I wonder the same thing about that one movie where Howie Mandell played a monster). Now they are. Deadline is reporting that the guys who are intent on remaking every single horror movie ever made, Platinum Dunes, are ready to remake this one. This makes me happy. I actually think if they did this right, which they probably won't, this could be awesome. First off, there's going to be the temptation to move up the ages of the characters, meaning they're going to want a CW cast with nubile teen starlets and likely gay male hunks. This is bad. The original worked because the KIDS were fighting the monsters. You lose the funny and originality when people who have facial hair get involved. Then you just have a big screen version of "Supernatural." Second, they're going to want to either radically pussify the action/horror or radically increase it. Either way is dumb. You should keep it at that perfect level, the level that terrified my 8-year-old sister while elating her 10-year-old brother. Finally, they're going to want to play it as a B-movie. Here's the thing, it IS a B-movie, you don't have to PLAY it that way. This is where people go wrong. Snakes on a Plane collapsed because it was so obvious they were trying to be intentionally B-movie-licious. You just need to redo it with modern effects and call it a day. Oh, and if you change that nard line, I'll stab you.