Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 27)

I tell you, I've been doing this column for forever now....okay, only about 7 months, but that's a long time (especially if you're a dog). So far, I've been inundated with free swag. And by inundated, I mean I haven't received anything for free aside from gifts from friends and family. Let's face it, this is more like a really, really long birthday list than a promotional page for people who should send me free stuff. Break that curse! Be the first to actually send me something for free! If you contact me at film@thereader.com, I promise to give you my address so that you can send me stuff for free! Isn't that nice of me?! Whatever. I feel as sad as the telephone repair man who never gets paid in gum.

Anyhoodle, here are the cool ass cool things that nobody will send me for free this week:

1.) It gets you clean AND makes you feel dirty - Who hasn't wanted to rub Harrison Ford's face on their naked parts for decades (especially after Firewall...he deserved to have his face shoved in many stinky places for that). Now you finally have the chance to do so without the risk of incarceration:
Yeah, that's right. If you go HERE, you can buy Han Solo in Carbonite soap for $6.50. How have we gone this long without creating this as a society? I mean, this idea really took more than 30 years? This should have come out at the time of Empire Strikes Back. It should have been handed out to the sweaty throngs of nerds standing in line for the re-release at least! Seriously, I was in that line, and it smelled of ballsweat, tears, and fear of vaginas.

2.) If you want to wake up terrified... - My friend Jason sent me this:
That is to say, Jason sent me the link to the ThinkGeek page that sold it, not the actual clock. For a mere $50, you can wake up like Desmond did inside the hatch for all those years. Yeah, you guessed it, in order to shut the alarm off, you have to correctly type in the numbers. This is real, people. You can set it like a regular alarm clock, but if you don't get the numbers right (and when the alarm goes off), it shows you those terrifying hieroglyphics...actually, why does the Dharma clock in "Lost" show hieroglyphics now that I'm thinking about it. Yeah, another mystery we'll never understand. This post just divided people reading it: Half of you think this is the coolest thing ever created, and the other half of you want to know how I can justify drinking first thing in the morning.

3.) Technically, I don't love luchadores...but... - I do already have one shirt in what looks to be a series of "Ninjas vs (fill in the blank)." That shirt has ninjas fighting pirates. This shirt has adorable ninjas fighting Mexican wrestlers.
Seriously, I know grown men shouldn't own clothing that they find adorable...but that's adorable. The little ninjas are fighting the little garishly dressed Mexican wrestlers and I just want to hug them all. This column never does good things to my reputation.

Anyway, feel free to send me all of the above for free.