Friday, May 21, 2010

I scream. You scream. They all scream?

If you're anything like me (you aren't, I checked), there's only one thing on your mind right now. Oh, no silly billy, not the epic 2.5-hour finale to "Lost!" Why no, it's who will be cast as the new bait, errrr, characters in the upcoming Scream 4! Gee whilickers, I can't count the hours of sleep I've lost thinking about who will step into the role of "first to die" or even "second to die!" I get so wound up imagining the depth that some starlet can bring to "girl who gets shanked in the face." Well, hold on to your pantaloons buckaroos, we finally have word on who is in the running for these coveted roles sure to be etched in acting history. Holy guacamole! We also have info on the intricate, nuanced plot as well! Apparently, original Scream-ers Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courteney Cox would be back (at least briefly) to introduce us to the new meat puppets about to get poked with something sharp. The lead character is Jill, and she's the cousin of Campbell's character (ooooh, clever!). Jill's friend, a nerdy film geek (HAHAHAHA! is there any other kind?!), and Jill's boyfriend are also involved, as is a police officer who knew Campbell's character in high school. Are you ready to find out what quasi-famous pretty people are up for these deep, rich roles?! BOY HOWDY SO AM I!!!!

In the role of Jill...we have....ASHLEY GREENE!

I'm told that Miss Greene was in something called Twilight. I don't know what that is, but aw shucks does it sound peachy keen!

In the role of the film geek, we have....HAYDEN PANETTIERE!!


Doesn't she just look like a big ole nerd! She was on a show called "Heroes," which I'm told people watched for a bit before they realized they didn't have to.

In the role of police officer-who-used-to-know-that-girl-from-the-first-movie, we have...LAKE BELL!!!!
Isn't Lake a nifty name? I'm going to name my kid Pond. She was in It's Complicated, which I don't remember because I am not menopausal. She's also starring in the upcoming A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy, which sounds wholesome!

Finally, in the role of "boyfriend," we have...RORY CULKIN
OH DEAR GOD MY EYES!!!! THEY BUUURRRRNNNN!!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! IT'S LIKE MACGUYVER AND MACAULAY CULKIN HAD A BABY...AN EVIL, EVIL BABY!!!

Well, that's your young cast of Scream 4, I hope you had a swell time finding out how durn good this film is going to be. Also, Rory Culkin will come for you in the night. Don't fight him. It's best not to fight him.

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