Friday Night Screams

Continuing his quest to employ every cute actress who is not famous enough to warrant her own trailer and top-line billing, Wes Craven has collected another young hottie to get knifed in Scream 4. Aimee Teegarden, who spells her name ridiculously, is the latest blond to volunteer to hold a knife with her stomach.
Teegarden, who is just unspeakably attractive and growing more so every year she ages into her adorable baby face, also believes that stuttering makes a scene more believable and is easily the most agitating part of "Friday Night Lights" at times. If one of the characters spazzed out and began berating her to "SPIT IT OUT," I would infinitely like whatever character that was a whole lot more. The good news is, she's probably just going to be flailing about and screaming a lot, which I believe she can do a great job at. There are officially so many actors and actresses in this movie that the opening credits are going to take 4 hours. I honestly don't know what to make of Scream 4, but I do know that at this rate, I will soon be in it.

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Get to screamin', Gilmore

Looking at Lauren Graham is a lot like being shot in the face by a cannon filled with puppies and hugs. Look at her.
Don't you want to hug the shit out of her? Don't you want to cuddle her until her face falls off? It's appropriate that my post has taken a weirdly macabre slant to it, as Graham told Jay Leno that she's going to be in Scream 4. I know what you're thinking and, relax, I read it on the Internet. I haven't watched Leno in forever. Oh, not because I sided with Conan (which I did) but because I don't watch things that suck. Just a thing with me. Graham will be playing the role of the lead character's mother, which would have been a blow to Graham's ego, had she not played the young, hot momma in "The Gilmore Girls" for years. Oh, and take note, Hollywood: That woman has zero Botox, zero plastic surgery, is 43 years old, and looks absolutely adorable. Seriously, I just want to braid her hair or get in a tickle fight with her. She's been scientifically created to make me love her.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

I love short weeks almost as much as I love short shorts (wearing them right now, babies). Thanks to the magic of governmental holidays, we're already at Thursday, even though it feels like it should be Wednesday (but I wish it was a Friday...f**k Monday and Tuesday, those guys are assholes). What this really means is that even though you feel like you JUST got to look at my junk, you get to see it again! Obviously, this is a clever ruse. I use phrases like "see my junk," even though what I really mean is that I'm just showing you movie tidbits that are too small to warrant their own blog post. I think it's clever. It's certainly more clever than Alanis Morissette changing the most infamous words of her most popular song on American Idol to "We should go down with you to the theater." Anyhoodle, we begin this weekly exercise in goofing around under the guise of movie news reporting by examining the creeptacular image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I then select one item at random, write a fictional and really weird backstory for it, and then move into what you actually came here to see. Why? Who knows why? It's something I did once and it amused me, like that time you voted for Nader. Only it stuck. Unlike that time you voted for Nader. Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. For years, people have wondered about the magic that goes into puppet/muppet creation. The simple explanation of "it's someone's hand up there" seemed too easy. Indeed, it was. Klaus decided to figure it out for himself, not content with the "puppeteer proctologist" answer. After feigning an attempt to learn his ABCs, he was confronted by a helpful, overly cheery, fuzzy, googly eyed bastard named Elko. Elko's skin came off easy. Almost too easy. What lay beneath horrified Klaus beyond all belief. Oh, there was a hand all right. A hand covered in a green cloth of some kind, like a protective suit. But it was JUST a hand. There was no body behind it. The free-floating, speaking hand soon died without its muppet covering. But Klaus kept it, as a reminder not to mess with that we do not understand.

Okay, that's enough shenanigans, time for some movie tidbits!

1.) There's a hole in the bucket, at Marvel, at Marvel...- Yesterday was a big day for my friend Matt. Matt's a Captain America lover, which is to say he adores the comic book character, not that he's a ranking officer who wants to sleep with the United States. Thus, it was exciting for him to see this:
That's leaked concept art for Chris Evans as Captain America. That sound you heard was Matt french kissing his computadora. I think it's absolutely spot on, personally. (A) He's bringing back utility belts, (B) it sure does look period-acceptable...again, that means it looks like it could be made in the 1940s, not that he should wear it during that time of the month, and (C) it feels like, well, Captain America! After he calmed his mess, Matt turned his attention to wanting to know what the Red Skull looks like (spoiler alert: He has a red skull). In due time, my overeager beaver, in due time. Instead, we got more leaked concept art! This time of the Norseman!
As you can see, that's what the Thor costume is going to look like. I have a bit harder time finding this one "period appropriate," and I do want to know if they're just ditching the helmet (this lack of a helmet and Cap's bucket-covered-dome must be indicative of Marvel's new "nobody gets friggin' wings on their heads anymore" editorial policy). Comic dudes, help me out a bit...this is Greg Land art, right? There are people discussing the validity of these despite resembling both on-set descriptions by people who have seen them and the photo of Thor we saw. The fact that both seem to be done by Marvel painter/artist Greg Land tells me that these are accurate. I'm pumped for both of these films, potentially more than The Avengers. The key is that they have to make us care for these guys on screen BEFORE we care for them in a massive superhero orgy. Take note, dudes: You still have to get these individual films right.

2.) Jennifer Aniston may or may not be a screamer - The following report quickly went up and was quickly denied by people "in the know." Why am I still posting it? Because reps for celebrities are dirty, dirty, dirty liars. They are so untrustworthy that lots of girls I know from high school want to date them and I want to elect them. The rumor was (albeit from "Star Magazine") that J-Ant was going to be in Scream 4.

She would be playing the Drew Barrymore-type role of "big name actress who gets all murderdeathkilled in the first scene." Her reps instantly denied it, which means it still may be true. Sure, it's easy to dismiss Star Magazine (and we've been told to do so by her agents), but consider these three facts: (1) Courtney Cox, J-Ant's good friend, is in the film; (2) it would REALLY help her "buzz factor" and for those who think she doesn't need it, her biggest movie has been the one with the dog who dies; and (3) you would HAVE to deny it to keep the surprise. I'm not saying it's happening (or that I care...even though I've kind of wanted her to die on screen since Along Came Polly), but it could be...it could be.

3.) The Crow reboot is nothing to squawk about - So the producer of the latest attempt to revive the goth-perfect 90s cult hit The Crow, which should really be left to be a fond memory and a great comic, has begun describing the impending abomination. MTV talked to Ed Pressman, who said things that I think he thought would help us get excited. They didn't. Apparently, the film moves back and forth from the Southwest U.S. to Detroit. Whatever. What bothers me is the next quote: "The Crow itself is a creature in this movie— it’s not just a bird…It’s got a personality and a character. Not like Godzilla exactly, but it’s very different [and has] a more active role in the story." It's "not like Godzilla EXACTLY?" In what f**king way IS IT like Godzilla then? Are you kidding me? Clearly they've seen into the heart of the story written by a guy who really had his girlfriend get murdered and experienced untold pain and rage and decided it needed to be more like a movie with a guy in a rubber suit. I know this is just a producer who probably only skimmed the draft, but whoever first uttered the word Godzilla in association with this project needs to be eye shanked.

4.) Chloe Moretz to kick ass in Nebraska? - Well, no. Variety says that the incredibly talented young actress (who I pray goes the Dakota Fanning/Abigail Breslin direction and not the Jodi Sweetin direction) is going to star in Hick, based on the novel of the same name. Nebraskans will be flattered to know that she'll play a 13-year-old native of the state, and outraged to think that people consider Nebraskans to be hicks. The book was apparently written by someone who's never been below the Mason-Dixon line. Anyway, terrible, terrible things happen to this 13-year-old who is abandoned by her loser parents and tries to trek across the country with just her pistol and belief that nobody will do unspeakable things to her (spoiler alert: they do). The kid's a great actress, and it's gotta be hard finding roles that fit...but if they want to go ahead and soften some of the events that occur, I'm okay with that. I'll always think of her having kick-ass fun in Kick Ass, like this:
I don't need to think of her like Fanning in Hound Dog. Ugh.

5.) Trailers, Parked - If you start anywhere other than with the new Scott Pilgrim vs the World trailer, you suck. I don't want to suck. This movie also will not suck. I love the feel of the whole thing, from the over-video-gamed style to the delightfully whimsical visuals. This is going to be a love-it-or-hate-it affair, and we nerds must brace for the fact that it likely will not find the mass audience it deserves. This won't be for lack of our trying to get people to see it though. I love Edgar Wright so much that I hope it makes a bazillion dollars.



Finally, we have the second Dinner for Schmucks trailer, which confirms my suspicion that it is going to make the pee come out. I love Steve Carell best in his decisive roles, the ones where he's either totally insane (Brick from Anchorman) or totally normal (Dan in Real Life). I find Paul Rudd is the best whenever he does anything. Dude love is cool.



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I scream. You scream. They all scream?

If you're anything like me (you aren't, I checked), there's only one thing on your mind right now. Oh, no silly billy, not the epic 2.5-hour finale to "Lost!" Why no, it's who will be cast as the new bait, errrr, characters in the upcoming Scream 4! Gee whilickers, I can't count the hours of sleep I've lost thinking about who will step into the role of "first to die" or even "second to die!" I get so wound up imagining the depth that some starlet can bring to "girl who gets shanked in the face." Well, hold on to your pantaloons buckaroos, we finally have word on who is in the running for these coveted roles sure to be etched in acting history. Holy guacamole! We also have info on the intricate, nuanced plot as well! Apparently, original Scream-ers Neve Campbell, David Arquette, and Courteney Cox would be back (at least briefly) to introduce us to the new meat puppets about to get poked with something sharp. The lead character is Jill, and she's the cousin of Campbell's character (ooooh, clever!). Jill's friend, a nerdy film geek (HAHAHAHA! is there any other kind?!), and Jill's boyfriend are also involved, as is a police officer who knew Campbell's character in high school. Are you ready to find out what quasi-famous pretty people are up for these deep, rich roles?! BOY HOWDY SO AM I!!!!

In the role of Jill...we have....ASHLEY GREENE!

I'm told that Miss Greene was in something called Twilight. I don't know what that is, but aw shucks does it sound peachy keen!

In the role of the film geek, we have....HAYDEN PANETTIERE!!


Doesn't she just look like a big ole nerd! She was on a show called "Heroes," which I'm told people watched for a bit before they realized they didn't have to.

In the role of police officer-who-used-to-know-that-girl-from-the-first-movie, we have...LAKE BELL!!!!
Isn't Lake a nifty name? I'm going to name my kid Pond. She was in It's Complicated, which I don't remember because I am not menopausal. She's also starring in the upcoming A Good Old-Fashioned Orgy, which sounds wholesome!

Finally, in the role of "boyfriend," we have...RORY CULKIN
OH DEAR GOD MY EYES!!!! THEY BUUURRRRNNNN!!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!! IT'S LIKE MACGUYVER AND MACAULAY CULKIN HAD A BABY...AN EVIL, EVIL BABY!!!

Well, that's your young cast of Scream 4, I hope you had a swell time finding out how durn good this film is going to be. Also, Rory Culkin will come for you in the night. Don't fight him. It's best not to fight him.

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Tuesday Quick Hits

It's a weird Tuesday. There's a bunch of low-level news floating about like purple horseshoes in my Lucky Charms bowl, and I couldn't decide whether to eat up now or save them until after I ate the far-more nutritious but far-less tasty non-marshmallow material. I could stretch one or two of these into full posts and save others until my junk is unleashed upon the world on Thursday...or I could just do the equivalent of a mini-junk exposure right now. I went with the latter.

Here are some weird and unimportant news nuggets for your Tuesday. See, I can shake things up.

1.) Spinach sponsors, get ready - Variety announced that Sony is making a 3D, CGI Popeye movie. Two thoughts: (1) - The last time we had a Popeye movie, it looked like this:

And that was WITH one of the greatest directors in history at the helm (Robert Altman). Allow me to submit the theory that Popeye is as unfilmable as the true face of God, as Thomas Pynchon's "Gravity's Rainbow," as an enjoyable Lindsey Lohan movie. Unless, of course, they base the CGI on Rick Baker's character design.
ENJOY KIDS!

2.) I told you so - Much, much shorter news, but Chris Evans has accepted as Captain America. With that, one of the strangest chapters in comic book adaptations closes. Now, who's going to play Bucky? Throw ole John Krasinski a bone, I could see him in that role.

3.) I told you so, part deux - Wes Craven IS going to come back to direct Scream 4 in between diaper changes. What? Dude is like 117 years old now. We still have no real grasp on what it is the movie will be about, but if original screenwriter Kevin Williams has a brain in his head, he'll make it about remakes somehow. I think the bringing together of the original cast (for the most part) is a good sign that remake skewering may be part of the point. Say what you will, that first Scream was positive genius, starting with the "one scene" marketing campaign featuring a never-hotter Drew Barrymore. Sadly, Neve Campbell is now approaching menopause. You can't go for the same audience, I hope Wes and Kev target the original audience with something clever and not a quick cash grab. Oh, and here's also hoping talk of a new "trilogy" is bullshit.

4.) Crappy video game movie will not die - I loved Spy Hunter as a kid. The cool music (bum bum bum bum bum, bum bum bum bum bum) and the simple but awesome game play were rad...back when "rad" was a word people used. I never once thought, "hey, this purple car driven by some person I never see should really be a movie. I mean, think of the rich characterization that can be had when he encounters an oil slick." Never. Well, over the last decade (no lie), about a dozen false starts have been initiated regarding this scintillating potential franchise...about A GUY DRIVING A FANCY SPY CAR. Another attempt at life is now forthcoming. Whether or not we see this, just know that America is committed to having a movie about a guy driving a spy car. We got health care passed, we can get this too.

5.) I love you, Emma Stone, but... - I think Emma Stone can be a lovely, gravel-voiced megastar.
She's got all of the talent necessary and has made some great flicks (ie, Superbad, Zombieland) but has also made some bad ones (The Rocker) and may be making another one. She's in talks to star in The Help, about a black maid in the South in the 1960s who "speaks candidly." Um, that sounds like terrible race bait material to me. I wouldn't touch that film with a thousand foot pole. How does that not come off either cliched or condescending. Emma, listen, you have a gift. You're both uniquely hot and have an awesome voice. Use that to seek out awesome and intelligent material and not, you know, this crap. If you need further help, you just call me. I'll be here.

Okay, so that's the news that's semi-fit-to-print today.