Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 32)

Sometimes, the only way to deal with the pain of being denied free swag from businesses I plug like it's my job (even though it isn't, because they don't pay me) is to unleash some poetry. So here's a limerick.

The worst part of writing this column
is that I end up feeling solemn.
If they'd send me some crap
I'd feel well in a snap.
As it is, I feel more like Gollum.

Seriously, I know I make a lot of jokes, but this is really just a column to point out the cool nerd stuff available these days. We live in a special time as nerd consumers, when people are desperately trying to cater to us, and this column is more of a reflection about how ingrained us geeks have become in the mainstream. It's really just a celebration of cool stuff.

And if you know me, you know that's a total lie. I want free crap. email me at film@thereader.com and I'll send you an address.

1.) I could do an entirely weekly column on Star Wars merch - There's tons and tons and tons and tons of Lucas-approved crapola. Some of which is lame, most of which is cool. This is one of the better ones.
Yup. Those are sweet-ass Star Wars pancake molds. I saw them on NerdApproved.com and you can buy them from Williams Sonoma. First, I'd like everyone to note how I refrained from either a Yoda joke ("Pancakes I make you?") and a "dark side of the pancake" joke. I will however, not be able to avoid noting that these pancakes will be the easiest thing to swallow that Lucas has produced in a decade or two. Badum-pum.

2.) If you have to have a garden gnome... - For some reason, people think that garden gnomes are adorable. They aren't. They are terrifying murder creatures that have been encased in stone to protect us from their horrible killing ways. So, if you for some reason feel strangely compelled that you must, under all circumstances, have one of these death-bringing fantasy midgets, you should buy one of these.
Looking like a modern retelling of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, if Stabby and Squishy were also housemates, these adorable boogers retail for like 20 bucks and will make people happy. Oh, they're still going to kill you in your sleep, but they'll amuse you until you die.

3.) Get it? Get it? Come on! - This is one of those shirts that Threadless.com is just known for by now.
If I have to explain this or talk about why it's cool any further than I'm doing right now, you have disappointed me as a person. Better yet is that when you go to find this on Threadless's site, they actually have people modeling it who kind of have Conan's hair. For real.

See, why people wouldn't just send me these things as a thank you for identifying their inherent coolness is beyond me. One day, when I'm wearing my Conan shirt, flipping pancakes shortly before I'm murdered by a hilarious garden gnome, I'll finally be happy.

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