Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Things You Should Buy Me (Volume 37)

A few notes for you on this fine Wednesday morning. First off, the obligatory disclaimer: I want free crap. I want all of the free crap listed below in particular. And I want it for free. Of course this is all done in jest and is really just an excuse to show you some cool nerd toys and whatnot, but I have actually received some of this swag and I love it. I want companies to send me their wares for review and promotion by contacting me at film@thereader.com and getting my address. I do not expect my friends to do the work of buying me this stuff, but I won't be sending it back if you do. Second, the Pork Board (yes, that's a real thing) sent Thinkgeek.com a cease and desist order for using their slogan "the other white meat" in reference to a fake product they created on April Fool's. The fake product was canned unicorn meat. Yeah, that's right, they felt threatened by the use of "the other white meat" in reference to unicorn. That's great. Third, I want it to stop raining. You can't buy me that, but I want it.

Okay, here's what I want most in the world this week.

1.) Me from the 1980s just pooped a little - How excited am I for Tron Legacy? So excited that I hope they start, you know, ADVERTISING IT SOON. I mean, don't get me wrong, I'm going to be there, as are the legion of nerds who grew up on the cult classic. I don't want to be in the theater with just us though, some of us kind of smell. Now, if there's one thing that I would have wanted as a child (and, you know, still want now) after watching Tron, it would be the following, which you won't believe is real so I'm glad this is a video and not just a still shot.


Yeah, that was a toy lightcylce riding on the wall. Oh, and when the other cycle crosses into the light trail of a cycle, the other falls off the wall. I mean, seriously. I would never have left the house. I would have become a hermit or some kind of agoraphobic. So, on the one hand, I'm glad they waited until now, on the other, the child in me is still jealous. They're available somewhere, but I don't know where.

2.) Finally, an energy drink for the apocalypse - Ever since I found out that Rockstar Energy drinks are owned by homophobic douchewads, I've been forced to consider the source of all energy I consume. You'd be surprised how taxing such a thing can be. So, I'm glad to know that someone making the following product has my best interests and the best interests of all of humanity at heart.

Those instructions are clearly the best defense we have against a horde of attackers who are undead. I want clarification though. Is this going to make me faster than Romero zombies or 28 Days Later zombies? There's a big difference there. These are available to buy too, but you'll have to Google that shit. I'm too lazy today.

3.) Where am I going to keep all of these rubber bands? - I love it when ThinkGeek solves my problems. I have been deluged with rubber bands. Why, I can barely move my mouse without being pulled back to my starting point by a mini-bungee cord in the form of a rubber band. How can I be successful in life with this rubber band dilemma? I know, I'll wrap them on a tiny mummy!

He starts off looking like this:

And ends up like this:

Bam! All my rubber bands are now clothes to keep this little green guy from being naked! It's great because it shows I'm organized AND I love mummified corpses! My path to a promotion just got a bit easier.

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