Friday, July 2, 2010

I'm about to make a point

This is Andrew Garfield.
As of yesterday afternoon, he's Spider-man. The rumors were wrong, the guesses were incorrect, and the speculation was bunk. He's the guy, it's official, Sony said it. Before I get to the satire here, allow me a moment to reflect on the dude in question. By all accounts, he's a good actor. He's in a film called Boy A in which he supposedly does a great job and was in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus in the most forgettable role. He has eyebrows that demand justice, hair that's going to be tough to squeeze into a spandex mask, and the kind of whiny bitch look that the ladies are craving for these days. Oh yeah, and he's f**king British.

What follows is a spoof, based on my belief that hiring a 26-year-old limey is just as sensible as hiring a 28-year-old black guy for this role. Donald Glover should have been auditioned for reasons we've discussed many, many times before, but allow me to use the logic most thrown against his inclusion in the process back at the world.

Give me just a second to put on my tin foil hat and get my hate-filled forum posting style right.

SPIDERMAN IZ NOT FROM ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS AMERICAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU EVER STOPPED AND ACTUALLY RED THE COMICBOOKS YOU'D KNO THAT PETER PARKER IS TOTTALLY IS FROM NEW YORK CITY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND NOT FROM PARIS OR WHEREVER IN ENGLAND. I'M NOT BEING RACIST N STUFF, I JUST KNO THAT TEA DRINKING ASSHOLE WHO HAS BAD TEETH AND F**KS SHEEP SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE SPIDERMAN. IT'SNOT HATE, I JUST KNO THAT IN THE COMICS HE DIDN'T HAVE AN ACCENT.

You get the idea, right? Of course Andrew Garfield could crush this role, because he's probably a good actor as everyone is suggesting. I don't care that he's British every bit as much as I don't care that Donald Glover is black. I hope that this casting decision works out, I really do. I just think an opportunity was missed to make something exciting, while this falls exactly into the pattern I thought we'd see. Le sigh.

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