Web of Lies: Mary who now?

Maybe I'm crazy. Oh, there's nothing more to that, I just wanted it on record somewhere. I am, however, also befuddled by Marvel's "no celebrity" policy lately. After peeing on Ed Norton (who, I'm told, brilliantly convinced the world it was raining through sheer acting prowess), dismissing the notion of Joaquin Pheonix stepping into the role of Bruce Banner, and basically indicating to the world that they have no interest in having "good" relationships with "established" actors whose names do not rhyme with Flobbert Flowney Funior, yet another Marvel project (albeit one housed at Sony) has gone all-out redonkulous in their casting stage. Spider-man, which should have a different name but preferably one without a colon, has already revealed who would be inside the mask (Andrew Garfield...yes THE Andrew Garfield). Now the rumors have begun that Anton Yelchin, who was up for the lead role, may be Harry Osborn. This is primarily based on his hair.

It's hard to pull that shit off, and I think he can do it. The other casting rumor is that unknown attractive redhead Elena Satine (who even has a hot-sounding name) is up for Mary Jane, on account of being hot, redheaded, and cheap. I don't mean that kind of cheap, I mean the kind where they can make her sign a contract for 47 sequels and pay her in bananas and arcade tokens. It's the Marvel way. I could have just posted a picture of her, but I did you one better. Here's her singing (yes, she sings) Tom Petty's "Freefallin'" on CBS's "Cold Case." Yes, this is the second time in two days I have mentioned the canceled CBS show "Cold Case." Maybe if I had said more earlier, the show would still be on the air. Then again, they had moments on the show when people would just suddenly sing whole numbers. See:


So those are your Spidey-lies for the day!

I'm about to make a point

This is Andrew Garfield.
As of yesterday afternoon, he's Spider-man. The rumors were wrong, the guesses were incorrect, and the speculation was bunk. He's the guy, it's official, Sony said it. Before I get to the satire here, allow me a moment to reflect on the dude in question. By all accounts, he's a good actor. He's in a film called Boy A in which he supposedly does a great job and was in The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus in the most forgettable role. He has eyebrows that demand justice, hair that's going to be tough to squeeze into a spandex mask, and the kind of whiny bitch look that the ladies are craving for these days. Oh yeah, and he's f**king British.

What follows is a spoof, based on my belief that hiring a 26-year-old limey is just as sensible as hiring a 28-year-old black guy for this role. Donald Glover should have been auditioned for reasons we've discussed many, many times before, but allow me to use the logic most thrown against his inclusion in the process back at the world.

Give me just a second to put on my tin foil hat and get my hate-filled forum posting style right.

SPIDERMAN IZ NOT FROM ENGLAND!!!!!!!!!!! HE IS AMERICAN!!!!!!!!!!!!! IF YOU EVER STOPPED AND ACTUALLY RED THE COMICBOOKS YOU'D KNO THAT PETER PARKER IS TOTTALLY IS FROM NEW YORK CITY IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AND NOT FROM PARIS OR WHEREVER IN ENGLAND. I'M NOT BEING RACIST N STUFF, I JUST KNO THAT TEA DRINKING ASSHOLE WHO HAS BAD TEETH AND F**KS SHEEP SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED TO BE SPIDERMAN. IT'SNOT HATE, I JUST KNO THAT IN THE COMICS HE DIDN'T HAVE AN ACCENT.

You get the idea, right? Of course Andrew Garfield could crush this role, because he's probably a good actor as everyone is suggesting. I don't care that he's British every bit as much as I don't care that Donald Glover is black. I hope that this casting decision works out, I really do. I just think an opportunity was missed to make something exciting, while this falls exactly into the pattern I thought we'd see. Le sigh.

Spider-man still not chosen, Don Glover still not screened

I like to believe this Donald Glover for Spider-man movement is bigger than it is. By Dong Lover's own conversations, he's flattered at how far it did get. Hell, Stan Lee acknowledged it, and that was more than enough for DG, who grew up idolizing comic book creators. Stop and think about that for a moment. We're having to try and beg these numb-nutted teenage male douches into considering a role and a guy who is just perfect for it, who has such passion for it, can't get a screen test. Yes, it still pisses me off. I believe the fanboy reaction has been unduly racist but the Hollywood fatcat rationale isn't overtly racist so much as it is "pragmatic." They don't want to court controversy, they want to just make money.

So here's an idea for them: Give him a screen test. "Wait, but Ryan, that sounds exactly like what you were asking for anyway!" I know, that's because I'm a f**king genius. See, all the suits need to do is give him a test and tell the world about it. Whammo, there would be unprecedented publicity for the reboot. Last time I checked, it was a good thing to have free press still, right? I'm not talking about giving him the gig, I'm talking about giving him a very public test screening. Telling fans "we did this for you, because you demanded it" would make them feel empowered and like a part of the process. It would be a chance to make a splash with the casting process in a way they're not going to now. They are demanding it, just check out the awesome art that's still being made:

This whole post came from the fact that Sony is getting real close to naming one of the following people to be Spidey: Jamie Bell, Anton Yelchin, Aaron Johnson, Andrew Garfield, Alden Ehrenreich, and Logan Lerman. Exactly what kind of overwhelming fan response is going to come from "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you your new Spider-man: Alden Ehrenreich!!!" Seriously? I mean, yes the Interwebs will fire up with searches for the new lead's name within minutes of his announcement as having the role, but the most intriguing, most talked-about name is the one not mentioned in that sentence. If you give Donny G a shot in the suit, you would satiate the hunger of a vocal minority. You would look classy. You would possibly actually find your Spidey, but that's beyond the point. A guy who loves Spider-man would get a chance to dress as Spider-man and would never forget it. So don't do it because it makes sense, or because it's your best option. Do it because it will make you money down the road from fans who would be instantly supportive after your bold willingness to listen to them. It's not too late to win this one, guys. And don't forget, America: go to twitter and type #donald4spiderman. Let's keep the dream alive.

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