Thursday, July 22, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Happy Thursday you denizens of my blogulous underworld, you participants in my despicable bloggery, you lovers of my junk! I know that you wake up Friday through Wednesday sobbing your eyes out, crying "Why! Why, God, why does he only show off his junk on Thursday?! And, given those parameters, WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THURSDAY?!?!" This is the one day your life has purpose, so I should move forward quickly, right?

As you know, by "my junk," I do not mean something untoward. I quite obviously am referring to tiny tidbits of movie news that do not quite warrant a full blog post. I call it my junk because to do so amuses me. Also amusing to me, the creepy-ass picture above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. Each week I pick an item from above and make a funny story about it, for no reason at all. This week's item is the braid in the upper left corner. Not everybody liked the Star Wars prequels, but Jimmy did. Oh, did he ever. After covering his body head-to-toe in tattoos based on all of the characters (Yoda on one nipple, Jar-Jar on the other), he set about decorating his room with merchandise. Once every nook, cranny, and opening was crammed with a poster, action figure, or napkin used during the catering of Attack of the Clones was hung, Jimmy realized he needed a bigger place. So, fulfilling his parents wishes, therapy sessions, and calls to clergy, Jimmy moved out. Realizing he would die alone, he filled every room in his house with memorabilia, dropping $4,000 to acquire an undergarment that may or may not have touched Natalie Portman's nether regions. Then, one day, Jimmy realized he needed more. He crept into Hayden Christensen's mobile home, cut off a lock of his hair, and braided it. He wore it for two weeks yelling "I'm the Padawan!" before he realized he didn't want to damage it. So, in the drawer of safety it went.

Okay, that's it with the funny talk, here's the movie tidbits that are worthy of being slightly more than tids.

1.) I want my zombie scalps - If you've read Max Brooks' "World War Z," you know that something must be done to ensure it hits the big screen, as it may be the first zombie movie to ever be considered for an Oscar. If you haven't read it, I hope the undead feast on your spleen, just to teach you a lesson. And they probably will, if you haven't also read "The Zombie Survival Guide," you basement-hiding nitwit. Sorry, that was harsh, daddy loves you. Anyway, MTV has just reported that Brad Pitt, who had his Plan B production company gobble up the rights to the project like so much spilled brains, is finally moving ahead and will star in World War Z, which is slated for a summer 2012 release. Can I get a "mmmmmmm brains" up in here?!?! That's awesome news, and I was in no way kidding about the Oscar part. Not only is there the ever-present social allegory that most zombie flicks sport, there's also the format and context, which is probably more comparable to a documentary or District 9 (which was a best picture nominee, I don't care if it was a bullshit 10-films-nominated year). Done right, this can be mind-blowing. Done wrong, we still get zombies and Pitt yelling at them.

2.) I (don't) hate to say I told you so - I was interviewed by a perfectly charming student yesterday at UNO. He had a slew of questions for me about journalism (uh, I have a column where I make junk jokes, so I'm not exactly Walter Cronkhite), film criticism (don't trust Armond White), and the state of movies in general (if movies had a state, it would be Delaware...discuss). He also asked about my thoughts on 3D. Relax, I didn't go nutso, I gave him my quick take: It will be around as long as it makes money, and it only exists for that purpose. It was a studio conceit more than an artistic move so once the novelty wears off, it will disappear. Turns out, as you suspected, I'm a friggin' genius, as the Wrap has published a long article on 3D’s future in Hollywood and it has this chart in it.

Now, to be clear, this doesn't include every 3D release (like Clash of the Titans or Final Destination 3D or whatever the crap that crap was called). It also doesn't really give context for things like which films really pushed the 3D aspect, what the theater counts were, and so on. Still, that's a real stat folks. All of those movies were moneymakers (including Airbender, believe it or not), and Despicable Me looks to actually be declining that number even further, as it may end up in the 30s for percentage. Is this iron-clad proof it's dead? Hell no. There are no less than 30 major projects coming in 3D in the next year. Some of those will hit big, but if people are looking closely and realize that it is no longer valuable to them, they'll stop. It will take a move by studios and not theaters though, as theaters laid out the money for the 3D projectors and can charge more per ticket. Studios, realizing a dwindling return and a higher cost to make things 3D, may just leave it. My final thought (Jerry Springer style): I give the fad 2 years.

3.) Hot girl who hasn't acted replaced hot girl who can't act - Megan Fox, who I predict will be doing naughty-girl things before the 3D fad is over, was shown the door by Michael Bay in regards to Transformers 3. The rumors for her release range from (1) she called him a douchebag publicly, you know, because he is; (2) she showed up for early table reads so skinny that everyone could see the outline of the single grape she ate for lunch; (3) America had tired of Fox entirely, as evidenced by every movie she's ever done besides Transformers; and (4) if he cut Fox, Bay got to go through the "hiring process" with another hot girl. I think (1) is likely, (2) is true even if it wasn't the cause, (3) is my favorite, and (4) is the answer. Why? Because Bay chose a Victoria Secret model who I'm not even sure has a voice box. Well, we now know a little more about who Rosie Huntington-Whitely will play in the upcoming "please God let them be telling the truth that this will end the trilogy and stop more from coming" Transformers 3. She'll play a character who, in the animated series, marries Sam Witwicky. Here she is trying to remember that the bra goes on the inside of the shirt.

Hey, she's trying folks, you should have seen her in the first shot wearing panties as shoulder pads. Whether or not this will end with the two getting hitched is unclear, but what is known is that if Shia LeBeouf falls down a lot in this one too, he can always aim to land on her ridiculous inflatable lips.

4.) News to Dredd - For some, there is only one Judge Dredd, and that's Sylvester Stallone. Of course, when I say some, I mean the only person who thinks that is Sylvester Stallone. Thankfully, the upcoming reboot (Do we have to call it that if the last movie starred Rob Schneider? Can we just call it a do-over?) will be written by Alex Garland, who wrote Sunshine (one of my favorite underrated sci-fi movies), and Bleeding Cool says that Karl Urban may get the lead. I like Urban. I liked him in his brief time in Lord of the Rings, and loved him as Bones in Star Trek. Look, if I'm being honest, I'm more pleased that this is not going to Sam Worthington than anything else. I just figured when they need an actor who looks mad a lot, they call that Australian grimacer. Am I excited for this? Not really, but I can be swayed by some bad-ass production photos and a script review. Also, if you want to throw a McAdams in there, I'm good with that.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, today's trailers are a mixed bag, ranging from super indie tiny to weird comic booky.

First up is Buried, which marks the first of two times my friend is going to drool over this post. Why? Because this is the movie about Ryan Reynolds getting buried alive, so he's on screen like the entire time. Now, for me, this movie is the sixth concentric circle of hell, as my phobia about being trapped without being able to move is hellacious and probably owes itself to the time that Fat Jerry smothered me in the fourth grade. Anyway, here's the trailer.

The Debt reminds me in some ways of Munich, but maybe that's just the Jewish people and guns involved. It's also got Helen Mirren, who is seemingly everywhere these days. Damn you, Mirren, let some other silver foxes work!

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger is a Woody Allen movie, so I'm either going to love it or forget it existed almost instantly. This is the second time in the post my friend will freak out, as it features a heaping helping of Freida Pinto. Enjoy!

Finally, we have The Goon, the long-gestating David Fincher-produced comic adaptation. It's not really a trailer...hell, I don't know what it is. I like it though, that much I know.

Okay, folks, that's it for my junk. I hope you enjoyed it and speak of it well to others!

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