Ryan's Junk Drawer

Happy Thursday you denizens of my blogulous underworld, you participants in my despicable bloggery, you lovers of my junk! I know that you wake up Friday through Wednesday sobbing your eyes out, crying "Why! Why, God, why does he only show off his junk on Thursday?! And, given those parameters, WHY CAN'T TODAY BE THURSDAY?!?!" This is the one day your life has purpose, so I should move forward quickly, right?

As you know, by "my junk," I do not mean something untoward. I quite obviously am referring to tiny tidbits of movie news that do not quite warrant a full blog post. I call it my junk because to do so amuses me. Also amusing to me, the creepy-ass picture above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. Each week I pick an item from above and make a funny story about it, for no reason at all. This week's item is the braid in the upper left corner. Not everybody liked the Star Wars prequels, but Jimmy did. Oh, did he ever. After covering his body head-to-toe in tattoos based on all of the characters (Yoda on one nipple, Jar-Jar on the other), he set about decorating his room with merchandise. Once every nook, cranny, and opening was crammed with a poster, action figure, or napkin used during the catering of Attack of the Clones was hung, Jimmy realized he needed a bigger place. So, fulfilling his parents wishes, therapy sessions, and calls to clergy, Jimmy moved out. Realizing he would die alone, he filled every room in his house with memorabilia, dropping $4,000 to acquire an undergarment that may or may not have touched Natalie Portman's nether regions. Then, one day, Jimmy realized he needed more. He crept into Hayden Christensen's mobile home, cut off a lock of his hair, and braided it. He wore it for two weeks yelling "I'm the Padawan!" before he realized he didn't want to damage it. So, in the drawer of safety it went.

Okay, that's it with the funny talk, here's the movie tidbits that are worthy of being slightly more than tids.

1.) I want my zombie scalps - If you've read Max Brooks' "World War Z," you know that something must be done to ensure it hits the big screen, as it may be the first zombie movie to ever be considered for an Oscar. If you haven't read it, I hope the undead feast on your spleen, just to teach you a lesson. And they probably will, if you haven't also read "The Zombie Survival Guide," you basement-hiding nitwit. Sorry, that was harsh, daddy loves you. Anyway, MTV has just reported that Brad Pitt, who had his Plan B production company gobble up the rights to the project like so much spilled brains, is finally moving ahead and will star in World War Z, which is slated for a summer 2012 release. Can I get a "mmmmmmm brains" up in here?!?! That's awesome news, and I was in no way kidding about the Oscar part. Not only is there the ever-present social allegory that most zombie flicks sport, there's also the format and context, which is probably more comparable to a documentary or District 9 (which was a best picture nominee, I don't care if it was a bullshit 10-films-nominated year). Done right, this can be mind-blowing. Done wrong, we still get zombies and Pitt yelling at them.

2.) I (don't) hate to say I told you so - I was interviewed by a perfectly charming student yesterday at UNO. He had a slew of questions for me about journalism (uh, I have a column where I make junk jokes, so I'm not exactly Walter Cronkhite), film criticism (don't trust Armond White), and the state of movies in general (if movies had a state, it would be Delaware...discuss). He also asked about my thoughts on 3D. Relax, I didn't go nutso, I gave him my quick take: It will be around as long as it makes money, and it only exists for that purpose. It was a studio conceit more than an artistic move so once the novelty wears off, it will disappear. Turns out, as you suspected, I'm a friggin' genius, as the Wrap has published a long article on 3D’s future in Hollywood and it has this chart in it.


Now, to be clear, this doesn't include every 3D release (like Clash of the Titans or Final Destination 3D or whatever the crap that crap was called). It also doesn't really give context for things like which films really pushed the 3D aspect, what the theater counts were, and so on. Still, that's a real stat folks. All of those movies were moneymakers (including Airbender, believe it or not), and Despicable Me looks to actually be declining that number even further, as it may end up in the 30s for percentage. Is this iron-clad proof it's dead? Hell no. There are no less than 30 major projects coming in 3D in the next year. Some of those will hit big, but if people are looking closely and realize that it is no longer valuable to them, they'll stop. It will take a move by studios and not theaters though, as theaters laid out the money for the 3D projectors and can charge more per ticket. Studios, realizing a dwindling return and a higher cost to make things 3D, may just leave it. My final thought (Jerry Springer style): I give the fad 2 years.

3.) Hot girl who hasn't acted replaced hot girl who can't act - Megan Fox, who I predict will be doing naughty-girl things before the 3D fad is over, was shown the door by Michael Bay in regards to Transformers 3. The rumors for her release range from (1) she called him a douchebag publicly, you know, because he is; (2) she showed up for early table reads so skinny that everyone could see the outline of the single grape she ate for lunch; (3) America had tired of Fox entirely, as evidenced by every movie she's ever done besides Transformers; and (4) if he cut Fox, Bay got to go through the "hiring process" with another hot girl. I think (1) is likely, (2) is true even if it wasn't the cause, (3) is my favorite, and (4) is the answer. Why? Because Bay chose a Victoria Secret model who I'm not even sure has a voice box. Well, we now know a little more about who Rosie Huntington-Whitely will play in the upcoming "please God let them be telling the truth that this will end the trilogy and stop more from coming" Transformers 3. She'll play a character who, in the animated series, marries Sam Witwicky. Here she is trying to remember that the bra goes on the inside of the shirt.

Hey, she's trying folks, you should have seen her in the first shot wearing panties as shoulder pads. Whether or not this will end with the two getting hitched is unclear, but what is known is that if Shia LeBeouf falls down a lot in this one too, he can always aim to land on her ridiculous inflatable lips.

4.) News to Dredd - For some, there is only one Judge Dredd, and that's Sylvester Stallone. Of course, when I say some, I mean the only person who thinks that is Sylvester Stallone. Thankfully, the upcoming reboot (Do we have to call it that if the last movie starred Rob Schneider? Can we just call it a do-over?) will be written by Alex Garland, who wrote Sunshine (one of my favorite underrated sci-fi movies), and Bleeding Cool says that Karl Urban may get the lead. I like Urban. I liked him in his brief time in Lord of the Rings, and loved him as Bones in Star Trek. Look, if I'm being honest, I'm more pleased that this is not going to Sam Worthington than anything else. I just figured when they need an actor who looks mad a lot, they call that Australian grimacer. Am I excited for this? Not really, but I can be swayed by some bad-ass production photos and a script review. Also, if you want to throw a McAdams in there, I'm good with that.

5.) Trailers, parked - Okay, today's trailers are a mixed bag, ranging from super indie tiny to weird comic booky.

First up is Buried, which marks the first of two times my friend is going to drool over this post. Why? Because this is the movie about Ryan Reynolds getting buried alive, so he's on screen like the entire time. Now, for me, this movie is the sixth concentric circle of hell, as my phobia about being trapped without being able to move is hellacious and probably owes itself to the time that Fat Jerry smothered me in the fourth grade. Anyway, here's the trailer.

The Debt reminds me in some ways of Munich, but maybe that's just the Jewish people and guns involved. It's also got Helen Mirren, who is seemingly everywhere these days. Damn you, Mirren, let some other silver foxes work!

You Will Meet a Tall Dark Stranger is a Woody Allen movie, so I'm either going to love it or forget it existed almost instantly. This is the second time in the post my friend will freak out, as it features a heaping helping of Freida Pinto. Enjoy!

Finally, we have The Goon, the long-gestating David Fincher-produced comic adaptation. It's not really a trailer...hell, I don't know what it is. I like it though, that much I know.

Movie Trailers - Movies Blog

Okay, folks, that's it for my junk. I hope you enjoyed it and speak of it well to others!

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Good morning you sexy basterds (FYI: it's how all the cool cats are spelling it these days, like how everybody in the 90s called burgers "Royale with cheese"...or at least I did). It's Thursday, which means your spirit is just about crushed from the work week and yet it isn't even Friday! Hooray! To make it up to you as best I can, today's the day we peek in my "junk drawer," a clever euphemism for news tidbits too tiny to take up their own post but still worth mentioning. It's a euphemism because I spend the rest of the day walking up to friends and asking "did you see my junk today" and finding strangers and saying "you look like a kind person, I would like to entertain you with my junk." Also, every Thursday (though I've never heard a soul mention whether or not they like it), we explore the drawer in the image above (which is from Highlights Magazine for Children...FOR CHILDREN) and come up with some creepy thing about it. Also, I apparently use the royal "we" a lot on Thursday. Anyhoodle, today's eerie thing from the image above is the poisonous cloud of white gas emanating from the drawer. Paulie thought that if he hid the airborne Ebola virus in the kitchen, no one would ever find it. His incorrect assumption cost the lives of Maine.

Okay, and now on to this week's junk!

1.) The dead have risen, and I loves it! - AMC makes the insanely popular awards magnet "Mad Men," which I have deemed unwatchable despite assurances from every single person I know (hey, I gave it a chance but that shit was like Ambien...sexist Ambien). The only reason I mention this is context, because the station seems to have a grasp on quality material (even if I disagree). This is good because THR announced AMC has picked up a TV series based on the brilliant comic book series "Walking Dead."
It's a no-brainer, really (get it...zombies eat brains). The series is practically a pre-made TV show, complete with storyboards. Far more character-based than zombie-based, I can see this being a huge smash hit, especially with Frank Darabont directing the pilot. For zombie enthusiasts who have somehow not read the book, it's a typical survival plot, but the zombies are slow movers and the humans aren't one-dimensional. I am so excited for this that it almost makes me forgive everyone handing awards to "Mad Men" because they think they're supposed to.

2.) Boy had they better not screw this up - If it's up to me, I don't make an MLKJR biopic. I just don't. Period. His words are the only legacy that's needed and a biopic will incite people who feel it is too glowing or too damaging. Oh, yeah, and most biopics are boring as shit. Far more boring than watching a documentary where Dr. King plays Dr. King. I see no benefit in fictionalizing the life of the single most important civil rights leader and speaker in American history when we are all acutely aware of his impact. I mean, oh yeah they're going to do it, but I wouldn't if it were me. Variety just announced that Ronald Harwood is penning the script. He won an Oscar for writing The Pianist. He also penned Mandela and Cry, Beloved Country, two films focused on race. He's also white. I don't think that should necessarily matter, but I don't think they should be making it, so it more speaks to my point that this is a can of worms that should stay canned. The only film sanctioned by King's estate, the stakes are high on this...so high that I can't believe it's going to happen. Steven Spielberg is producing (and maybe directing), which is good news, but seriously...there are better ways to preserve the man's legacy.

3.) Wacky Brits, Avatar isn't right - The nominees for the BAFTA Awards, famously referred to as the British Oscars (which I imagine is a fairly insulting nickname), have been announced. As Slashfilm.com points out, these are actually a decent predictor of Academy Award nominations, due to their position on the calendar. Quick side note, do you like how everybody pretends they don't care about the Oscars but then mentions every award show in their context and still describes performances as "likely to score a nomination." Me? I'm up front. I love the stupid ceremony. I love everything about it even though I know it sucks. What's interesting about the BAFTA nominations, which you can view here? Well, Avatar is everywhere. District 9 racked up some serious love, and nobody in England saw The Blind Side (poor, poor Sandra...who I still think may win an Oscar...shudder). This reminds me, I know I didn't talk much about the Golden Globes, mostly because I was traveling at the time, but also because they sucked. Ricky Gervais was tepid; Avatar, Sandra Bullock, and "Mad Men" won; and Robert Downey Jr scores a win...for Sherlock Holmes?! It was the People's Choice Awards, really. Anyway, Oscar nods come out soon and I am super-interested. Also, this week will debut my top 10 films of 2009 list, so look for that. Or don't, just don't tell me if you don't because that will hurt my little feelers.

4.) My greatest fears, realized - Devin from Chud.com has a great write-up of why the new Spider-man is going to suck balls. All of the balls. Between the $80 million budget (which would barely cover an Ant-Man movie), news that the focus won't be on "fighting villains" but "teenaged romance," and the fact they're going with "young unknowns," he safely concludes that we are watching the Twilight-ing or "Smallville"-ing of my favorite character ever. For those who wondered why I carried such rage at Twilight, this is why. Because Hollywood is a lame-ass, copycat town with no new ideas, so when they see shit like Twilight turning lead into gold (or $50 million into $700 million worldwide), they assume they should do the same. Oh, and they are making it an origin story, which is the worst part. God this is demoralizing. It's like watching a loved one get poop thrown at their face by a monkey in a cage and all you can do is yell "you stupid monkey, you leave my loved one alone." But the monkey just keeps flinging poop. The monkey just KEEPS FLINGING THE POOP. Ugh.

5.) Trailers parked - A few interesting gems this week. First up is the MacGruber

I have to say that I kind of want to see it now. In part because fat Val Kilmer as a villain makes me more excited than skinny Val Kilmer made most women (and men). Seriously, "I was talking to the missile" was perfectly delivered. Perfectly. Also, Kristen Wiig looks great. Color me shocked, but this is looking more like Austin Powers than Superstar.

Next up is Buried, which stars Ryan Reynolds as a dude who is...um...buried.



I may not be able to watch that, as I am TERRIFIED of being buried alive. TERRIFIED. Like, more scared of that than watching a full segment of Glenn Beck. That's serious. I'm not sure how they're going to make a whole movie last of this, but I said the same thing about Phone Booth...oh yeah, that kind of sucked. I do like Reynolds, and I am slightly intrigued. So, let me know if it's good because I may vomit in the theater.

Okay, that's my junk for this week. Hope you had fun with my junk, I know I did.