Thursday, July 29, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Although I don't know why it is constantly the victim of physical violence by being perpetually lifted or burned, let's do something awful to the roof! Yeah, let's really harm our means of shelter!!! Why? Because it's Thursday! Which means if you read this column last week and now this week, you've survived 7 more days on the same planet as Ke$sha. That takes some doing. As you know, in addition to joyful roof assaults, I celebrate Thursdays by delivering unto the teeming masses my junk. I expose it for everyone to see, without an iota of concern about what others will say about it. "I thought Ryan's junk was all over the place today" or "I can't believe where he took his junk." Of course, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are too small to warrant a full blog. Sorry, did I not make that clear?

We begin each weekly trip inside my warped brain by looking at the image above, which is apparently hell's junk drawer on account of how creepy it looks. It's from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, which I always point out, an account of something called "irony." What we do is pick one item from the image and write some super-messed up story about it for funsies. Today's item is the cylinder with the lightning bolt on it. After hearing Lisa yell at him every day about his immeasurable love for the television and his perpetual passion for the remote control, Brad decided to take her advice literally. When she suggested "why don't you just marry it?" He did. The first year was tumultuous to be sure, what with the television's inability to prepare a delicious dinner or to accompany him to his weekly softball games. Brad was unwilling to let the relationship fail, so they decided to get pregnant. A few weeks after the hybrid human/television was born, the television had finally had enough, and Brad was left with a note that simply read "Sorry. The electro-bottle is in the junk drawer. Raise our boy to be a good human/television." It was very sad.

Okay, that's it. Now on to the movie tidbits that have floated upstream this week.

1.) Guillermo del Toro has finally gone mad - Does anybody remember the last time del Toro actually MADE a movie and wasn't just talking about making a movie? I mean, seriously, the dude has more false-starts than a Chicago Bears offensive lineman. Am I right? Hmm, just remembered this is not the target audience for sports-based humor. I knew I should have gone with a pee-pee joke there. After leaving The Hobbit, hopping off of some movie about "Dares" for Disney, and agreeing to write and produce (but not direct) a Haunted Mansion remake remake (that's not a typo, it takes two remakes and 100 gallons of bleach to undo the stain of Eddie Murphy in that house), del Toro has finally lined up his next directing gig. And it's the one he's always wanted. Deadline reports that he's partnered up with James Cameron (onboard as producer) to make At the Mountains of Madness in 3D. For those who don't know, Madness is a Lovecraft horror tale that, if done properly, should make us want to gouge our eyes out in terror, which is a hard selling point. It involves this weird, sick mythology of tentacled "Elder Gods" and unspeakable creatures from the beyond. It's going to be a hard R, 3D movie, with an ending that will leave us feeling icky...and this is him promoting the movie. A lot of people love this type of thing. A lot of people also dress their pets in people clothes. I'm just saying that it doesn't make sense to me, but I'll give del Toro and Cameron the benefit of the doubt. Hey, maybe if they can't computer-generate the right design for the monster, they can just find a way to photograph Cameron's ego. Ha! Zing! I'm on fire today! Someone keep destroying the structure above the attic that keeps the rain out!!!!

2.) Damon Lindelof has been exiled to space - Man do some people HATE Damon Lindelof. I've gone on record as saying he often appears to be carrying a big bag of douche on his shoulders, but I have a love/hate thing with him. I love him for the good parts of "Lost" and I hate him for his ass-tastic handling of other parts. Basically, I want to kiss him and then slap him like a dame in a 1940s movie. When I first read about the report from Deadline, which says Lindelof may be given a shot to pen the Alien prequel, it was on a horror site that all but threatened bodily harm upon the scribe. It was the kind of blog post that a serious, responsible writer would never pen (speaking of which, I'm headed over to Costner's place with a pitchfork and a can of gas, who's coming with me?). Personally, I think he can do a good job. I think he's a good writer who needs to do more movies than TV shows because he needs the structure more than the freedom. He has clever ideas, can find compelling dialogue at times, and provided he isn't able to stretch a movie into 100+ hours of clue-laden mysteries, I'm thinking he'll do fine. Look, someone was going to have to write this terrible idea (why do we need an Alien prequel by the way?), it may as well be Damon. Oh, and after I give him this tepid defense, he'll probably post some douche-tastic comment on his Twitter claiming he's a martyr or messiah for tackling the project. If he does that, I'm pulling my lukewarm support. That'll show him!

3.) Eva Longoria invites you to buzz off - The oldest rumor about The Avengers isn't the one about what Thor and Ms. Marvel do with his hammer. Nope, it's the one that says Eva Longoria is going to play the Wasp. This rumor, which has origins in the fact that she's small and cute and once took a meeting with Marvel, has persisted even when she failed to show up on stage for the big reveal of the Avengers team at Comic-Con. I want you to look at the picture below of the adorable, itty-bitty actress. She waving goodbye to these rumors and says nuh-uh.

That's right, she says it's not happening. Well, no duh. Yeah, I just busted out a no duh. And I just used the term "busted out" right beneath a picture of an actress wearing a bikini top. I'm not saying she wouldn't be fine in the role, I'm just saying that it isn't happening. Maybe in the sequel, but you've already got an insane number of characters and just getting those guys enough screen time is going to be a challenge. Besides, everybody knows that if Joss Whedon is going to pick a female superhero it will be one who can beat the piss out of you while looking hot. I'm pretty sure Longoria can be taken down with the right sneeze.

4.) Super-hamm? - I get that comic book movies are a young man's game, but are you really going to tell me you don't see this dude and think Superman?

Well guess what: the internets are a'buzz with the rumor that Jon Hamm is up for Superman! Hooray! I think casting a guy who is slightly older than the usual 20-something makes sense for this character, who has to project an air of God-like stature that's difficult for younger people to pull off. I've wanted him to be a superhero ever since Tina Fey pointed out that he looks like a cartoon pilot on "30 Rock." I know most of you love him from "Mad Men," the second worst show that everybody loves next to "True Blood." I just don't watch that show, on account of not liking soap operas, even ones set in a time when misogyny and racism were nifty. Seriously, I've tried guys, you've all been duped. But let's not focus on our differences, let's unite under the banner of Hamm for Superman! As we've seen from the Donald Glover for Spider-man movement, my endorsement is practically a guarantee for success!

5.) Trailers, parked - We're going creepy this week, as all three trailers are designed to make you look over your shoulder in horror...and not just because the other dude in your office is making that noise when he eats again.

First up is Priest, which is based on a manga and features Paul Betthany, who I know best as the dude who sleeps with Jennifer Connelly every night. It looks like a weird cross between Constantine and Legion, and that is not exactly a compliment. Except, I kind of liked it in a weird way. I'm on the fence, so you decide for me.

Priest Trailer
Uploaded by teasertrailer. - Classic TV and last night's shows, online.

Let Me In is somehow looking like it isn't the terrible, soul-crushing remake it could have been. I hate that the world we live in is such that we can't just watch a movie with subtitles in America, we have to totally remake it, but hey, if it turns out good, so be it. I'm cautiously optimistic.

Monsters has a real District 9 feel to it. It was made on a super-skinny budget, is supposedly more character sketch than monster movie, and has endorsements from people I care about. I'm sold. I do wish they had tried harder on the title. "Here's my football movie called Ball." Seriously, a little effort guys.

Okay, that's it! Let's meet back here tomorrow and talk about our weekend plans, okay?

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