Ryan's Junk Drawer

Although I don't know why it is constantly the victim of physical violence by being perpetually lifted or burned, let's do something awful to the roof! Yeah, let's really harm our means of shelter!!! Why? Because it's Thursday! Which means if you read this column last week and now this week, you've survived 7 more days on the same planet as Ke$sha. That takes some doing. As you know, in addition to joyful roof assaults, I celebrate Thursdays by delivering unto the teeming masses my junk. I expose it for everyone to see, without an iota of concern about what others will say about it. "I thought Ryan's junk was all over the place today" or "I can't believe where he took his junk." Of course, by junk I mean movie tidbits that are too small to warrant a full blog. Sorry, did I not make that clear?

We begin each weekly trip inside my warped brain by looking at the image above, which is apparently hell's junk drawer on account of how creepy it looks. It's from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, which I always point out, an account of something called "irony." What we do is pick one item from the image and write some super-messed up story about it for funsies. Today's item is the cylinder with the lightning bolt on it. After hearing Lisa yell at him every day about his immeasurable love for the television and his perpetual passion for the remote control, Brad decided to take her advice literally. When she suggested "why don't you just marry it?" He did. The first year was tumultuous to be sure, what with the television's inability to prepare a delicious dinner or to accompany him to his weekly softball games. Brad was unwilling to let the relationship fail, so they decided to get pregnant. A few weeks after the hybrid human/television was born, the television had finally had enough, and Brad was left with a note that simply read "Sorry. The electro-bottle is in the junk drawer. Raise our boy to be a good human/television." It was very sad.

Okay, that's it. Now on to the movie tidbits that have floated upstream this week.

1.) Guillermo del Toro has finally gone mad - Does anybody remember the last time del Toro actually MADE a movie and wasn't just talking about making a movie? I mean, seriously, the dude has more false-starts than a Chicago Bears offensive lineman. Am I right? Hmm, just remembered this is not the target audience for sports-based humor. I knew I should have gone with a pee-pee joke there. After leaving The Hobbit, hopping off of some movie about "Dares" for Disney, and agreeing to write and produce (but not direct) a Haunted Mansion remake remake (that's not a typo, it takes two remakes and 100 gallons of bleach to undo the stain of Eddie Murphy in that house), del Toro has finally lined up his next directing gig. And it's the one he's always wanted. Deadline reports that he's partnered up with James Cameron (onboard as producer) to make At the Mountains of Madness in 3D. For those who don't know, Madness is a Lovecraft horror tale that, if done properly, should make us want to gouge our eyes out in terror, which is a hard selling point. It involves this weird, sick mythology of tentacled "Elder Gods" and unspeakable creatures from the beyond. It's going to be a hard R, 3D movie, with an ending that will leave us feeling icky...and this is him promoting the movie. A lot of people love this type of thing. A lot of people also dress their pets in people clothes. I'm just saying that it doesn't make sense to me, but I'll give del Toro and Cameron the benefit of the doubt. Hey, maybe if they can't computer-generate the right design for the monster, they can just find a way to photograph Cameron's ego. Ha! Zing! I'm on fire today! Someone keep destroying the structure above the attic that keeps the rain out!!!!

2.) Damon Lindelof has been exiled to space - Man do some people HATE Damon Lindelof. I've gone on record as saying he often appears to be carrying a big bag of douche on his shoulders, but I have a love/hate thing with him. I love him for the good parts of "Lost" and I hate him for his ass-tastic handling of other parts. Basically, I want to kiss him and then slap him like a dame in a 1940s movie. When I first read about the report from Deadline, which says Lindelof may be given a shot to pen the Alien prequel, it was on a horror site that all but threatened bodily harm upon the scribe. It was the kind of blog post that a serious, responsible writer would never pen (speaking of which, I'm headed over to Costner's place with a pitchfork and a can of gas, who's coming with me?). Personally, I think he can do a good job. I think he's a good writer who needs to do more movies than TV shows because he needs the structure more than the freedom. He has clever ideas, can find compelling dialogue at times, and provided he isn't able to stretch a movie into 100+ hours of clue-laden mysteries, I'm thinking he'll do fine. Look, someone was going to have to write this terrible idea (why do we need an Alien prequel by the way?), it may as well be Damon. Oh, and after I give him this tepid defense, he'll probably post some douche-tastic comment on his Twitter claiming he's a martyr or messiah for tackling the project. If he does that, I'm pulling my lukewarm support. That'll show him!

3.) Eva Longoria invites you to buzz off - The oldest rumor about The Avengers isn't the one about what Thor and Ms. Marvel do with his hammer. Nope, it's the one that says Eva Longoria is going to play the Wasp. This rumor, which has origins in the fact that she's small and cute and once took a meeting with Marvel, has persisted even when she failed to show up on stage for the big reveal of the Avengers team at Comic-Con. I want you to look at the picture below of the adorable, itty-bitty actress. She waving goodbye to these rumors and says nuh-uh.

That's right, she says it's not happening. Well, no duh. Yeah, I just busted out a no duh. And I just used the term "busted out" right beneath a picture of an actress wearing a bikini top. I'm not saying she wouldn't be fine in the role, I'm just saying that it isn't happening. Maybe in the sequel, but you've already got an insane number of characters and just getting those guys enough screen time is going to be a challenge. Besides, everybody knows that if Joss Whedon is going to pick a female superhero it will be one who can beat the piss out of you while looking hot. I'm pretty sure Longoria can be taken down with the right sneeze.

4.) Super-hamm? - I get that comic book movies are a young man's game, but are you really going to tell me you don't see this dude and think Superman?

Well guess what: the internets are a'buzz with the rumor that Jon Hamm is up for Superman! Hooray! I think casting a guy who is slightly older than the usual 20-something makes sense for this character, who has to project an air of God-like stature that's difficult for younger people to pull off. I've wanted him to be a superhero ever since Tina Fey pointed out that he looks like a cartoon pilot on "30 Rock." I know most of you love him from "Mad Men," the second worst show that everybody loves next to "True Blood." I just don't watch that show, on account of not liking soap operas, even ones set in a time when misogyny and racism were nifty. Seriously, I've tried guys, you've all been duped. But let's not focus on our differences, let's unite under the banner of Hamm for Superman! As we've seen from the Donald Glover for Spider-man movement, my endorsement is practically a guarantee for success!

5.) Trailers, parked - We're going creepy this week, as all three trailers are designed to make you look over your shoulder in horror...and not just because the other dude in your office is making that noise when he eats again.

First up is Priest, which is based on a manga and features Paul Betthany, who I know best as the dude who sleeps with Jennifer Connelly every night. It looks like a weird cross between Constantine and Legion, and that is not exactly a compliment. Except, I kind of liked it in a weird way. I'm on the fence, so you decide for me.


Priest Trailer
Uploaded by teasertrailer. - Classic TV and last night's shows, online.

Let Me In is somehow looking like it isn't the terrible, soul-crushing remake it could have been. I hate that the world we live in is such that we can't just watch a movie with subtitles in America, we have to totally remake it, but hey, if it turns out good, so be it. I'm cautiously optimistic.


Monsters has a real District 9 feel to it. It was made on a super-skinny budget, is supposedly more character sketch than monster movie, and has endorsements from people I care about. I'm sold. I do wish they had tried harder on the title. "Here's my football movie called Ball." Seriously, a little effort guys.

More Monsters Videos

Okay, that's it! Let's meet back here tomorrow and talk about our weekend plans, okay?

Follow me on Twitter!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Welcome one and all to that glorious time of the week during which I show the world my junk! And by my junk, I mean movie tidbits that I didn't turn into full blog posts and not my genitals because that would be (A) gross and (B) illegal. As is our special weekly tradition, let's take a second to make up a completely fabricated and creepy story about an item from the drawing of a junk drawer above that came from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN (I emphasize the children part because, seriously, look at that picture...you know that hand is attached to a body that's up to no good). Today's item is the fuzzy thread in the middle of the drawer. After years of inventing, Sammy finally completed the necessary logarithms and equations and EUREKA! Monkey dynamite. The hardest thing about the monkey dynamite is getting the fuse lit, what with all the fuzzy hair on it. But once you get it lit, the explosion that results is just bananas.

Okay, moving quickly on to this week's news nuggets!

1.) Two for the Zoo? - People I really like on the interwebs (like Slashfilm, Latinoreview, Chud, Darkhorizons) pretty much universally hate Nikki Finke. I can see why. She ignores other people's scoops and treats them like she was the one who first found them and seems, by all accounts and stories, to be kind of a douchenozzle. What sucks is, she keeps getting the scoops, because apparently people in Hollywood LOVE douchenozzles. This should come as great relief to a number of people I know, who should move to Hollywood ASAP. Anyway, Finke, Finke Douchenozzle, as she shall now be called, has learned that Iron Man 2 and Tropic Thunder screenwriter Justin Theroux is working with Ben Stiller on a script for Zoolander 2. This is good, because Zoolander is actually pretty damn funny. I know some people don't "get it," but any time male models are killed in a "tragic gasoline fight" and someone corrects Jon Voight by saying "MerMAN, dad, MerMAN," it's funny. Plus, Theroux wrote the line "never go full retard," which means he should be rich forever in my eyes, as it may be the funniest four word combination in recent history. Jonah Hill is supposedly in talks to play the bad guy, which actually is kind of just okay for me. I'm kind of growing tired of Hill and I hope he's ready to broaden (not literally, dude needs to lose some LBs pretty fast yo, he's beyond unhealthy) his horizons past his usual schtick. We don't need another Jack Black on our hands. At any rate, Zoolander grew on me, so I hope this one is equally as stupidly awesome. Bonus points if they get Billy Zane back.

2.) Gaga for Goyer? - Latino Review hates Finke Finke Douchenozzle more than everyone else to the point where they spent the whole day yesterday in full-on spaz mode on twitter patting themselves on the back for getting a pretty bad ass scoop yesterday that Finke didn't get. I'm proud of them, sure, but like 27 tweets from various LR folks giving Finke Finke Douchenozzle the finger got a little laborious. Then again, I say that as a person who hasn't scooped anything but ice cream and Raisin Bran. Anyhoodle, their scoop was that David Goyer will write Superman: Man of Steel, the new Superman project overseen by Christopher Nolan. Supposedly, the script involves Lex Luthor and Braniac, introduces a boatload of Kryptonian mythology, and is generally exciting. Well, kind of. See, I don't really like David Goyer that much. I think his writing is really, really spotty. Don't believe me? Sure, he wrote THE STORY for The Dark Knight (which can be boiled down to the Joker does some shit), but he also wrote the following: Kickboxer 2, The Crow: City of Angels, the Nick Fury TV movie, Blade Trinity, and Jumper. If you want to get technical, I loved Dark City (which he wrote the entire screenplay for and was incredible) and liked (not loved) his Batman Begins and Dark Knight scripts. That's it. Other than that, he's a crapmaster. Not okay, not so-so, but a CRAP master. I'm just saying, the fact that he was involved with good Batman movies doesn't mean he may save Superman. There's a chance we could get dialogue like this:
3.) Will Cap put the Red Skull's gun in jello? - Among the news that's had comic fans more apoplectic than the GOP after they found out Democrats may do something that helps people, THR reported earlier this week that Marvel is narrowing the list of potential Captain Americas. Also, Marvel is a bunch of effin' cheapskates. The article said basically that they're offering $300,000 to an unknown to be the lead in a movie that will likely make $75 million or more opening weekend. Suck on that. Also, the actor has to sign a NINE picture deal. What's next, does Marvel demand a "prima nocturne" rule and get to have its execs bang the wife of the new Captain America? Seriously, guys, get a good actor not the cheapest. The list now includes that Scott Porter (Friday Night Lights), Mike Vogel (Cloverfield), Michael Cassidy (Smallville), and Patrick Flueger ( The 4400), none of whom I could identify for all the blow at New York's fashion week. I can identify this guy though:
Yeah, that's right, John Krasinski is on the short list for Captain America. I have to say this, I don't mind it. Yeah, it SEEMS ridiculous because he's Jim from "The Office," right? But (A) I believe him to be a talented actor (yes, really). I also believe he'd get YOKED for the role because he knows it would be necessary. I also think he's going to be better than the no-names I listed above. Seriously, I don't WANT Krasinski in the role, but of that short list I mentioned above, who would you rather have? A guy like Krasinski or somebody from "Smallville?" Really.

4.) When, God? When will Matt Damon get his acting Oscar? - This won't stop until we give him an Oscar. Sure, we may get the occasional Green Zone or Bourne, but we're mostly going to get Invictus and shit until Matt Damon is given the golden statue. What do I mean? Nikki Nikki Douchenozzle is reporting that Damon will play Bobby Kennedy. What other reason is there to play a dead politician than hoisting an Oscar? Seriously. For the record, this movie could be good. Also, I think Damon DESERVES an Oscar. We live in a world where Adrian Brody has one and Matt Damon doesn't. Also, there's this:




5.) Trailers, Parked - A few goodies this week, with two of the three being new versions of trailers for movies we've seen glimpses of already. First up is the new Nightmare On Elm Street trailer, which looks as fun as the other stuff we've seen. I know it's a remake, but Jackie Earle Haley kind of rules and I like Freddy Kreuger. It's not run-of-the-mill horror, so I like playing around in this world, even if that sounds vaguely dirty. I'm not saying I'm there opening night, but I will be there.



Waking Sleeping Beauty is a great look at the birth of the era of Disney that made my childhood. From 1984-1994, Disney animation was simply fantastic. This largely home-video-style documentary will make me long for the days when not everything was CGI and Shrek 4 seemed impossible.



Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps may be a train wreck. It also may totally rule. I GET why there can be a sequel to this movie now. I GET why there are new things that can be said about how we've evolved financially and culturally since the 1980s. I like Shia LeBeouf, I like Oliver Stone, and I love Josh Brolin. I have no idea if all of this can come together in a quality film but this trailer actually gave me more hope than the weird-ass first one. See what you think.



Okay, that's my junk for this week! See you tomorrow to close out this big ole week in style, bitches.

Well, this is unexpected

Some days are stone-cold quiet, and some open with a nuclear bomb. There I am, reading through my weekly edition of Doc Jensen's insanity, trying to figure out what predictions I am going to wrongly make for "Lost" this week, when suddenly:

"Chris Nolan will mentor Superman 3.0 and prep 3rd Batman."

That sound you hear is a thousand blogger typewriters clicking and clacking away. Nikki Finke, the much maligned rumor mongerer, is reporting that Nolan will basically play Godfather to the new Supes while working on getting the third bat installment ready (no, we still don't know what he'll be doing on that). Chances of him directing the new Super-movie seem nigh impossible; his involvement seems more about getting things "ready" and "right" or "the opposite of Superman Returns." Now, you can read Ms Finke's story if you'd rather hear about the industry ins and outs of why Warner Bros switched gears and decided to move full-steam ahead on Superman stuff NOW instead of back burnering him as had been the plan; she's also got tons of other details about who has and hasn't flirted with the character. She's good at that industry bullpuckey...and she can have it. I personally care more about considering what the eff this means.

Three quick questions:

1.) Why is Chris Nolan considered the go-to for this? Oh, The Dark Knight was a hot, sweaty ball of awesome, but that's ONE movie. Batman Begins was good, but not revolutionary...and everything Nolan has done has had some edge of darkness to it, which is distinctly the OPPOSITE of Superman. What in his body of work suggests that he knows this character? When has he ever even expressed a profound love of comics in general? Plus, he's not a guy who seems to have a lot of associated industry talent. I don't hear about any of his famous director buddies. He's a talented, talented director. He's a very good writer. He also made Insomnia, which was awful. My point is this: I have seen nothing that suggests Nolan on Superman is anything other than a desperate move by a studio to get buzz going behind a project that keeps stalling out and has tons of legal issues.

2.) Does this mean an origin story? I need another Superman origin tale like I need a fourth nipple. His origin may be the single most well known origin ever. If you want to spend some time on Krypton, fine. That's cool with me. But don't labor for hours on finally getting him in the suit. Nolan doesn't have a reputation for action-heavy material, by the way. The Dark Knight had some capable action scenes but was mostly character based. That approach was just tried and epic failed with Superman Returns. We need Superman in action, not emoting. Again, this isn't quite an easy home run.

3.) What does this mean for a cross-over? Obviously, the most exciting possibility is the least likely. With one creator overseeing two projects, and given the success over at Marvel of crossing characters over, what are the chances we finally see Superman AND Batman together? The odds probably just went from 10% to 50/50, which is interesting. I think it's more likely we see Batman in a Superman movie than vice versa, as the tone won't work for whatever Nolan is setting up for Bats. This is the most interesting of the elements regarding this news...and the one we're likely to not hear about for ages.

With Nolan ramping up Inception materials, it's likely he'll only field 100 billion questions about this stuff, so look for tiny nuggets of truth to be pooped out over the next year. We won't KNOW anything for awhile, though. So happy wild speculation, everyone!