Thursday, August 5, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

Well howdy ho there, good buddies. I reckon it must be Thursday. I can tell from the way the sun sits up there in that sky, from where's I seen that the stars are located, from that there wild look in my neighbor's eye. Oh, and my calendar's right here. If today is the day of Thurs, then you'd best be here lookin' at my junk. Well good for you! Not enough people these days take the time to look at my junk. That makes me feel sadder than a one-eyed bear engaged in some bear activity that requires him to have depth perception. I don't know what that activity might be, but it's sad to think of a one-eyed bear. Especially if it was a cub. A big ole angry one-eyed grizzly about to eat you wouldn't be sad. You might be happy that you can scurry out of his range of sight. Anyway, people who don't want to see my junk make me sadder than a cute one-eyed cub, if you get my meaning.

Obviously, by junk I mean movie news and not the perverted business you thought I was referring to. I was just trying to lighten the mood, what with there bein' so many terrible things in this here world. As you also know, we begin each week's edition by looking at the "junk drawer" image above, which was taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN in what must have been their "innocent objects that look creepy as hell" issue. We then pick an item and write some whacked-out fictional story about it. Today's item is the drawer's handle. Kathleen had come to loathe Bob for the air of superiority being a "Mad Men" fan had brought him. "The complexity of the characters contrasted against the stylized hues of the sixties" he began rambling before Kathleen totally ignored him. Incensed at his implicit acceptance of misogyny combined with his ridiculous need to post everywhere on the entire Internet how much he loved said abomination of a show, Kathleen planned her revenge carefully. She finally settled on replacing all of the regular, human-sized knobs on the drawers with teeny, tiny buttons. The way she figured it, if he was going to walk around like he was bigger than everybody, he could begin feeling like an awkward giant. Step one, was complete.

Okay, that's enough weird goofiness, let's get into some movie tidbits that weren't big enough to warrant their own blog posts this week!

1.) More like the Road to Awesome! - You know what was a great movie? No, not Honey. Yes, I know that movie featured Jessica Alba showing that she has more control over her booty than her mouth, but I'm talking about Road to Perdition. Yeah, the one where Tom Hanks played a hitman, where Paul Newman played an even badder bad guy, and where the gun of choice was not glock but tommy! I just rewatched it again the other day and ooooohweeee was it good. So I'm pumped that Max Collins, who wrote the graphic novel that spawned the movie (see, not all graphic novels are spandex enthusiasts), told MovieWeb that not only has he been hired to write two sequels, Road to Purgatory and Road to Paradise, but that development is actually heating up! Call me the Kool-Aid man, because I'm giving this a big, fat "Oh, yeah!" Supposedly, the film would follow Hanks' kid as he "returns from World War II with a new determination to avenge his murdered father. His quest ultimately leads him to Frank Nitti, whom he is urged to kill on the orders of Al Capone. The second sequel will follow Sullivan’s continued plight." So you've got mobsters (including Al Capone), a tale about a cycle of violence that can't be broken, and old-school gun play? Cast Natalie Portman and officially all of my buttons will have been pressed. Oh, and for those who don't care or remember, here's one of the final scenes from Road to Perdition. Obviously, spoiler alert for those who haven't seen it, but for those who have, I give you my favorite final words from a dying character in all of movie history: "I'm glad it was you."


See, we need more movies like that.

2.) On the road, again? - I can't tell you how adorable I find Amy Adams.

I mean, she's got that real, honest attractiveness that just squeezes out of every pore. She doesn't seem disingenuous or haughty because she's beautiful, she seems natural and real. You know, like this guy:

Reminder number 273 that if you ever wear your facial hair like Colonel Sanders I will find the picture and never stop using it even if you can kick my ass. When you look at this pair, you probably think: Here's a duo that needs to team up for the first true cinematic stab at Jack Kerouac's "On the Road," right? No? Yeah, well, it's happening. I think that Adams has the look that will work in any era, and Mortensen is truly gifted. I just don't see why we need to adapt this particular seminal work into a movie. It almost needs to stay literature because of what it represents there. Just like "Catcher in the Rye" has never been a movie, I kind of like that "On the Road" hasn't either, but with Salinger's death and this project gearing up, it looks like the only important work of writing that won't be adapted into a movie is my very special issue of Archie where we finally find out why Jughead wears that crown.

3.) Oh, yeah, people loved Taken - Honestly, no lie, I keep forgetting Taken existed. Nothing against the run-of-the-mill thriller, but other than me constantly freaking out about how enormous Liam Neeson is (he eats his cereal in a bathtub), I was generally unimpressed. Luc Besson, who I will forever love for Le Femme Nikita and The Fifth Element, rode that success back into getting more films rolling stateside (he's a Frenchie, as if you couldn't tell by his gross misspelling of "Luke"). As one would imagine, he's getting a lot of work by describing things in the context of Taken. For example, he's about to make Lockout or "Taken in outer space." Wait, what? How exactly do you have that plot? Martians kidnap someone's daughter and hold her hostage on Zargon 8 whilst an oversized astronaut says cliched phrases to aliens in order to scare them? Okay, I'm in. Especially given who is playing the male lead:

I love Guy Pearce, and he deserved to be so very famous after Memento. He was almost Batman, you know. Instead, he's been doing little roles here and there and crazy indie movies. He's really talented, and I'd love to see him work more. As opposed to his costar, a Taken alum, Miss Maggie Grace.

I haven't seen Maggie do anything that impresses me. Well, anything that impresses me that involves sound. Oh, God done a good job putting her together, there's no question, but until such time as I buy one thing coming out of her perfect face, I'm not sold. Here's hoping Guy Pearce hunts for her, finds her, hears her speak, and leaves her on Zargon 8.

4.) Y? Y can this not move forward? - I cannot for the life of me figure out why we haven't seen a Y The Last Man movie. A post-apocalyptic comic book with main characters in their 20s, opportunities for humor and romance, clear action pieces, and a great structure somehow can't get made into a movie but we're getting Battleship starring Rhianna. Shoot me in my face. If you haven't read this comic, you really missed out, as it has such amazingly detailed characters and brilliant pacing. Supposedly, DJ Caruso, who made Disturbia, says that it's still alive and he's still attached. He says that "they've taken 4 shots at the screenplay but that "it's been really tough." He told MTV that the studio wants them to "cram more into one movie." I get where that could be a problem, considering you could make about 10 films in the series. But you could also make 3. Or one. I know it sucks, but there has to be a way to have both parties be pleased. You know what, if you want me to try, just hit me up New Line, I'll write a screenplay you'll love. Seriously, though, I'll be waiting by my phone.

5.) Trailers, parked - I was going to post the no-footage-but-cool-voiceover teaser trailer for The Avengers, but Marvel took it down. Why? Because creating hype for their project is not good apparently. Devin from Chud got into a few skirmishes (go figure) this week defending multiple studios' decision to take down from the internet footage shown to fans at the San Diego Comic Con. He basically said "you could go and see it there if you wanted to, you should save your money," arguing that it was a special treat for those at the club. I get that, I do, but why not let some of us who, say, can't afford it see that footage later. That way, y'all at the party get to see it BEFORE we do, but not at our expense. His argument that the studios make specific presentations for THAT crowd, presentations that may not speak to their overall marketing campaign, is also stupid, as the only people fervently searching for a clip of Sam Jackson just talking about the Avengers are the same people for whom the clip was created. Whatever, I've said before and I'll say again: If you pirate something that's marketing, you're only helping the film and the studio. You're giving them the viral buzz they want. But none of that matters, as they took down the clip.

So, instead, here's the next best thing: That clip of Christina Aguilera, Cher, and Stanley Tucci you wanted.



The remake of Don't Be Afraid of the Dark looks like old-school horror fun. I can get behind such things.


Finally, I leave you with a joke. Here's what will happen should Hollywood finally get around to making a movie out of a beloved waste of time from the 1990s. I give you: Oregon Trail The Movie.


That's my junk for this week. I hope you liked it. Be back tomorrow for our Friday send-off!

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