Ryan's Junk Drawer
Well howdy ho there, good buddies. I reckon it must be Thursday. I can tell from the way the sun sits up there in that sky, from where's I seen that the stars are located, from that there wild look in my neighbor's eye. Oh, and my calendar's right here. If today is the day of Thurs, then you'd best be here lookin' at my junk. Well good for you! Not enough people these days take the time to look at my junk. That makes me feel sadder than a one-eyed bear engaged in some bear activity that requires him to have depth perception. I don't know what that activity might be, but it's sad to think of a one-eyed bear. Especially if it was a cub. A big ole angry one-eyed grizzly about to eat you wouldn't be sad. You might be happy that you can scurry out of his range of sight. Anyway, people who don't want to see my junk make me sadder than a cute one-eyed cub, if you get my meaning.
Obviously, by junk I mean movie news and not the perverted business you thought I was referring to. I was just trying to lighten the mood, what with there bein' so many terrible things in this here world. As you also know, we begin each week's edition by looking at the "junk drawer" image above, which was taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN in what must have been their "innocent objects that look creepy as hell" issue. We then pick an item and write some whacked-out fictional story about it. Today's item is the drawer's handle. Kathleen had come to loathe Bob for the air of superiority being a "Mad Men" fan had brought him. "The complexity of the characters contrasted against the stylized hues of the sixties" he began rambling before Kathleen totally ignored him. Incensed at his implicit acceptance of misogyny combined with his ridiculous need to post everywhere on the entire Internet how much he loved said abomination of a show, Kathleen planned her revenge carefully. She finally settled on replacing all of the regular, human-sized knobs on the drawers with teeny, tiny buttons. The way she figured it, if he was going to walk around like he was bigger than everybody, he could begin feeling like an awkward giant. Step one, was complete.
Okay, that's enough weird goofiness, let's get into some movie tidbits that weren't big enough to warrant their own blog posts this week!
1.) More like the Road to Awesome! - You know what was a great movie? No, not Honey. Yes, I know that movie featured Jessica Alba showing that she has more control over her booty than her mouth, but I'm talking about Road to Perdition. Yeah, the one where Tom Hanks played a hitman, where Paul Newman played an even badder bad guy, and where the gun of choice was not glock but tommy! I just rewatched it again the other day and ooooohweeee was it good. So I'm pumped that Max Collins, who wrote the graphic novel that spawned the movie (see, not all graphic novels are spandex enthusiasts), told MovieWeb that not only has he been hired to write two sequels, Road to Purgatory and Road to Paradise, but that development is actually heating up! Call me the Kool-Aid man, because I'm giving this a big, fat "Oh, yeah!" Supposedly, the film would follow Hanks' kid as he "returns from World War II with a new determination to avenge his murdered father. His quest ultimately leads him to Frank Nitti, whom he is urged to kill on the orders of Al Capone. The second sequel will follow Sullivan’s continued plight." So you've got mobsters (including Al Capone), a tale about a cycle of violence that can't be broken, and old-school gun play? Cast Natalie Portman and officially all of my buttons will have been pressed. Oh, and for those who don't care or remember, here's one of the final scenes from Road to Perdition. Obviously, spoiler alert for those who haven't seen it, but for those who have, I give you my favorite final words from a dying character in all of movie history: "I'm glad it was you."
5.) Trailers, parked - I was going to post the no-footage-but-cool-voiceover teaser trailer for The Avengers, but Marvel took it down. Why? Because creating hype for their project is not good apparently. Devin from Chud got into a few skirmishes (go figure) this week defending multiple studios' decision to take down from the internet footage shown to fans at the San Diego Comic Con. He basically said "you could go and see it there if you wanted to, you should save your money," arguing that it was a special treat for those at the club. I get that, I do, but why not let some of us who, say, can't afford it see that footage later. That way, y'all at the party get to see it BEFORE we do, but not at our expense. His argument that the studios make specific presentations for THAT crowd, presentations that may not speak to their overall marketing campaign, is also stupid, as the only people fervently searching for a clip of Sam Jackson just talking about the Avengers are the same people for whom the clip was created. Whatever, I've said before and I'll say again: If you pirate something that's marketing, you're only helping the film and the studio. You're giving them the viral buzz they want. But none of that matters, as they took down the clip.
So, instead, here's the next best thing: That clip of Christina Aguilera, Cher, and Stanley Tucci you wanted.
The remake of Don't Be Afraid of the Dark looks like old-school horror fun. I can get behind such things.
Finally, I leave you with a joke. Here's what will happen should Hollywood finally get around to making a movie out of a beloved waste of time from the 1990s. I give you: Oregon Trail The Movie.
That's my junk for this week. I hope you liked it. Be back tomorrow for our Friday send-off!
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Labels: amy adams, burlesque trailer, don't be afraid of the dark trailer, guy pearce, lockout, maggie grace, on the road, oregon trail trailer, road to perdition sequel, Viggo Mortensen, y the last man
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