Cast-a-palooza

It's election day. Obviously, unless you are intentionally hiding it from yourself, you can guess the direction my voting lever pulls. This is a movie blog, and I won't stand up on this soap box and rail on about who you should vote for and why...or even do the whole "I don't care who you vote for, just vote" schpiel because I DO care who you vote for, and if you're going to vote for someone stupid and evil I would, in fact, prefer that you stay home. This is me asking everyone to just do a little thinking, a little objective research, and THEN vote. I truly believe if everyone voted out of reasonable research and not fear, anger, or because they were told to be some media personality, we would be far, far better off. So do that. K?

Now, I mention the election stuff because it set me back a bit. See, I had to vote this morning, which means not starting this blog writing until later, which means I'm running behind. So I had two choices: I could either give you SOME of the casting news explosion today in multiple posts or I could deliver one giant kablooooooey of casting shenanigans all at once. I opted for the kablooey because, hello have you ever met me?

Ladies and gentlemen...start your moderately-interested engines, it's time for CAST-A-PALOOZA!!!! I ask and answer the following questions:

1.) Wolverine may be in X-Men: First Class? - Hugh Jackman took a cab to the set of X-Men: First Class, according to rumors from....someone. There is nothing backing this up, but it's probably true. Why? Because ever since Marvel did that cool Iron Man/Avengers bit at the end, all comic movies (especially Fox copycats) want to do that too. A cameo from Wolverine would fit, Jackman is already preparing for Wolverine 2: Talk to the Claws right now so probably looks like this:
And he's a good guy, a team player, and probably thinks it would be cool. It's a rumor, yes, but I'd like to believe it so I will.

2.) Leonardo DiCaprio is a serial killer? Take that, ladies. The drool-inducer is now going to carve up ladies in Devil in the White City. Not a whole lot of news beyond that, but it's good news. Apparently the giant book that this is based on is really good and DiCaprio hasn't done his obligatory "I'm a famous actor who everybody loves playing against type as a bad guy" role yet. My prediction? His first Oscar. We love to reward people for shit like this.

3.) Tarsem Singh directing Snow White? - Apparently, visionary director Tarsem Singh, who also keeps himself busy composing my nightmares, is going to do the serious, Brothers Grimm version of Snow White, not to be confused with the potential Johnny Depp/Cameron Diaz vehicle that's more goofy and action based. Singh has done some brilliant stuff with more placid, boring material...so the thought of him uncorking on a fairy tale is pretty friggin' great. This is one of those decisions that moves the film from so far off my radar it's not even a blip to OH MY GOD I CANNOT WAIT! Nicely played.

4.) Cameron Crowe wants Scarlett Johansson, Amy Adams, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, or Rachel McAdams? - Just not for the same things I want them for. What? I want them to write haikus for me. What did you think I meant? Apparently one of the following women will be Matt Damon's wife and live in a zoo in We Bought a Zoo, which is the most literal title for a movie since The Dilemma.

She would be a great choice because she loves animals. You can tell by the leopard print.

She would be great to star against Matt Damon because she worked at Hooters. I don't know why that prepares her, but everyone keeps talking about how she used to work at Hooters.

Um, not sure about this one. She was considered for the role of Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy in the Spidey reboot, so being Matt Damon's wife seems a little creepy. Damon's down though.


She deserves the part BECAUSE I SAY SO, OKAY?!

Whoever wins, if this is the actual shortlist, audiences are going to be very happy.

5.) Baz Luhrmann wants Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley? - But not for the same things I want them for. What? I want them to write guest columns on the blog. Jeez, guys, what did you think? Luhrmann is casting his Daisy in The Great Gatsby, which may have Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in it. He has about 5 names on the list, but you remember how I said I was running behind right? Here's the two that matter, the ones who would do the best job:

She who is rumored for every movie ever: Natalie Portman!!!!

She who only does period pieces: Keira Knightley.

Like I said, there are others, but that's not important right now. I actually think this adaptation could work. Luhrmann is often good (when he's not doing Australia), and the cast seems strong with DiCaprio and Maguire. That's the extent of my thoughts. Gotta run!

Follow me on Twitter.

Muppet-lover's delight

And a good Friday morning to you, my bloggy devotees. As I may have mentioned one or one thousand times, I have yet to get my bearings on this week and, oh look at that, now it's Friday. Oh well, I suppose being immortal means I don't have to care about flushing a week of my life down the toilet because I couldn't get my head right. Hmm? What's that? I'm NOT immortal? Really? Well, I guess the only thing that will comfort me about throwing precious life away like a half-eaten burrito is more muppet news.

As I told you last week, former "Hooters" girl (hey, that's a less shameful introduction than "star of Leap Year") Amy Adams was considering whether to join one of two art films or star in the new Muppet Movie. She chose well.
The delightful redhead is now among my favorite humans, as she has decided to forgo the flesh in favor of felt and fur! And she's not alone. I reveal to you the muppety villain!
I think that short, buzz-haired, black and white Chris Cooper is the scariest...but blonde, thinning-haired Chris Cooper does also want to eat my face.

Don't worry, though, there's another cutie to combat the Coop.
That's Rashida Jones, and she will be bringing her delightful brand of sweet whimsy and adorableness alongside Amy Adams and a slew of creatures that have hands inside of them. Folks, this Muppet movie is happening, and I could not be happier about it. Okay, if I were in it, if muppets were real, and if I hung out with Rashida Jones and Amy Adams, I could be happier.

Follow me on Twitter.

Um, there is no choice here

Did you know that Amy Adams used to be a Hooter's girl?
So let that be a lesson to all douches making lewd comments and considering inappropriate touching, as well as an inspiration to those working for a tasteless establishment named after slang for your body parts who are constantly besieged by the gropers and the pinchers! Be nice to Hooter girl because Hooter girl may one day become hella-famous! If, by some chance, you do end up walking in Ms. Adams' overpriced pumps, hopefully you do not make a simple decision more complicated as the delightful redhead is currently doing. See, she has a choice between three roles right now:

1. Opposite Matt Damon in director Cameron Crowe's We Bought a Zoo, in which she would play the wife of a man who...um...bought a zoo
2. Opposite Chris Pine in first-time director Alex Kurtzman's Welcome to People, in which she would play a single mother and struggling alcoholic
3. Opposite MUPPETS IN THE NEW MUPPET MOVIE

For real? This is a dilemma for you? Is the dilemma how to tell Crowe and Kurtzman they can suckity suck suck it? Is it that you don't want Damon and Pine's feelings to be hurt that you'd rather rub up against Gonzo? Seriously, what the problem is? You get offered a chance to act with Kermit, YOU DO IT! I can only hope for the sake of the legacy that is "The Girl from Hooters who Made Good" that she chooses well. That, or I'm going to have a new preemptive tip to hand out to those Hooter waitresses. I kid, of course, as I've never set foot in a Hooters because I value dignity.

Follow me on Twitter.

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well howdy ho there, good buddies. I reckon it must be Thursday. I can tell from the way the sun sits up there in that sky, from where's I seen that the stars are located, from that there wild look in my neighbor's eye. Oh, and my calendar's right here. If today is the day of Thurs, then you'd best be here lookin' at my junk. Well good for you! Not enough people these days take the time to look at my junk. That makes me feel sadder than a one-eyed bear engaged in some bear activity that requires him to have depth perception. I don't know what that activity might be, but it's sad to think of a one-eyed bear. Especially if it was a cub. A big ole angry one-eyed grizzly about to eat you wouldn't be sad. You might be happy that you can scurry out of his range of sight. Anyway, people who don't want to see my junk make me sadder than a cute one-eyed cub, if you get my meaning.

Obviously, by junk I mean movie news and not the perverted business you thought I was referring to. I was just trying to lighten the mood, what with there bein' so many terrible things in this here world. As you also know, we begin each week's edition by looking at the "junk drawer" image above, which was taken from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN in what must have been their "innocent objects that look creepy as hell" issue. We then pick an item and write some whacked-out fictional story about it. Today's item is the drawer's handle. Kathleen had come to loathe Bob for the air of superiority being a "Mad Men" fan had brought him. "The complexity of the characters contrasted against the stylized hues of the sixties" he began rambling before Kathleen totally ignored him. Incensed at his implicit acceptance of misogyny combined with his ridiculous need to post everywhere on the entire Internet how much he loved said abomination of a show, Kathleen planned her revenge carefully. She finally settled on replacing all of the regular, human-sized knobs on the drawers with teeny, tiny buttons. The way she figured it, if he was going to walk around like he was bigger than everybody, he could begin feeling like an awkward giant. Step one, was complete.

Okay, that's enough weird goofiness, let's get into some movie tidbits that weren't big enough to warrant their own blog posts this week!

1.) More like the Road to Awesome! - You know what was a great movie? No, not Honey. Yes, I know that movie featured Jessica Alba showing that she has more control over her booty than her mouth, but I'm talking about Road to Perdition. Yeah, the one where Tom Hanks played a hitman, where Paul Newman played an even badder bad guy, and where the gun of choice was not glock but tommy! I just rewatched it again the other day and ooooohweeee was it good. So I'm pumped that Max Collins, who wrote the graphic novel that spawned the movie (see, not all graphic novels are spandex enthusiasts), told MovieWeb that not only has he been hired to write two sequels, Road to Purgatory and Road to Paradise, but that development is actually heating up! Call me the Kool-Aid man, because I'm giving this a big, fat "Oh, yeah!" Supposedly, the film would follow Hanks' kid as he "returns from World War II with a new determination to avenge his murdered father. His quest ultimately leads him to Frank Nitti, whom he is urged to kill on the orders of Al Capone. The second sequel will follow Sullivan’s continued plight." So you've got mobsters (including Al Capone), a tale about a cycle of violence that can't be broken, and old-school gun play? Cast Natalie Portman and officially all of my buttons will have been pressed. Oh, and for those who don't care or remember, here's one of the final scenes from Road to Perdition. Obviously, spoiler alert for those who haven't seen it, but for those who have, I give you my favorite final words from a dying character in all of movie history: "I'm glad it was you."

See, we need more movies like that.

2.) On the road, again? - I can't tell you how adorable I find Amy Adams.

I mean, she's got that real, honest attractiveness that just squeezes out of every pore. She doesn't seem disingenuous or haughty because she's beautiful, she seems natural and real. You know, like this guy:

Reminder number 273 that if you ever wear your facial hair like Colonel Sanders I will find the picture and never stop using it even if you can kick my ass. When you look at this pair, you probably think: Here's a duo that needs to team up for the first true cinematic stab at Jack Kerouac's "On the Road," right? No? Yeah, well, it's happening. I think that Adams has the look that will work in any era, and Mortensen is truly gifted. I just don't see why we need to adapt this particular seminal work into a movie. It almost needs to stay literature because of what it represents there. Just like "Catcher in the Rye" has never been a movie, I kind of like that "On the Road" hasn't either, but with Salinger's death and this project gearing up, it looks like the only important work of writing that won't be adapted into a movie is my very special issue of Archie where we finally find out why Jughead wears that crown.

3.) Oh, yeah, people loved Taken - Honestly, no lie, I keep forgetting Taken existed. Nothing against the run-of-the-mill thriller, but other than me constantly freaking out about how enormous Liam Neeson is (he eats his cereal in a bathtub), I was generally unimpressed. Luc Besson, who I will forever love for Le Femme Nikita and The Fifth Element, rode that success back into getting more films rolling stateside (he's a Frenchie, as if you couldn't tell by his gross misspelling of "Luke"). As one would imagine, he's getting a lot of work by describing things in the context of Taken. For example, he's about to make Lockout or "Taken in outer space." Wait, what? How exactly do you have that plot? Martians kidnap someone's daughter and hold her hostage on Zargon 8 whilst an oversized astronaut says cliched phrases to aliens in order to scare them? Okay, I'm in. Especially given who is playing the male lead:

I love Guy Pearce, and he deserved to be so very famous after Memento. He was almost Batman, you know. Instead, he's been doing little roles here and there and crazy indie movies. He's really talented, and I'd love to see him work more. As opposed to his costar, a Taken alum, Miss Maggie Grace.

I haven't seen Maggie do anything that impresses me. Well, anything that impresses me that involves sound. Oh, God done a good job putting her together, there's no question, but until such time as I buy one thing coming out of her perfect face, I'm not sold. Here's hoping Guy Pearce hunts for her, finds her, hears her speak, and leaves her on Zargon 8.

4.) Y? Y can this not move forward? - I cannot for the life of me figure out why we haven't seen a Y The Last Man movie. A post-apocalyptic comic book with main characters in their 20s, opportunities for humor and romance, clear action pieces, and a great structure somehow can't get made into a movie but we're getting Battleship starring Rhianna. Shoot me in my face. If you haven't read this comic, you really missed out, as it has such amazingly detailed characters and brilliant pacing. Supposedly, DJ Caruso, who made Disturbia, says that it's still alive and he's still attached. He says that "they've taken 4 shots at the screenplay but that "it's been really tough." He told MTV that the studio wants them to "cram more into one movie." I get where that could be a problem, considering you could make about 10 films in the series. But you could also make 3. Or one. I know it sucks, but there has to be a way to have both parties be pleased. You know what, if you want me to try, just hit me up New Line, I'll write a screenplay you'll love. Seriously, though, I'll be waiting by my phone.

5.) Trailers, parked - I was going to post the no-footage-but-cool-voiceover teaser trailer for The Avengers, but Marvel took it down. Why? Because creating hype for their project is not good apparently. Devin from Chud got into a few skirmishes (go figure) this week defending multiple studios' decision to take down from the internet footage shown to fans at the San Diego Comic Con. He basically said "you could go and see it there if you wanted to, you should save your money," arguing that it was a special treat for those at the club. I get that, I do, but why not let some of us who, say, can't afford it see that footage later. That way, y'all at the party get to see it BEFORE we do, but not at our expense. His argument that the studios make specific presentations for THAT crowd, presentations that may not speak to their overall marketing campaign, is also stupid, as the only people fervently searching for a clip of Sam Jackson just talking about the Avengers are the same people for whom the clip was created. Whatever, I've said before and I'll say again: If you pirate something that's marketing, you're only helping the film and the studio. You're giving them the viral buzz they want. But none of that matters, as they took down the clip.

So, instead, here's the next best thing: That clip of Christina Aguilera, Cher, and Stanley Tucci you wanted.



The remake of Don't Be Afraid of the Dark looks like old-school horror fun. I can get behind such things.


Finally, I leave you with a joke. Here's what will happen should Hollywood finally get around to making a movie out of a beloved waste of time from the 1990s. I give you: Oregon Trail The Movie.


That's my junk for this week. I hope you liked it. Be back tomorrow for our Friday send-off!

Follow me on Twitter!

Suddenly, I have boring neighbors

Don't get me wrong, my neighbors are totally cool, not complaining at all...but there's a project in the works called Town House that Variety tells me is going to be inhabited by Zach Galifianakis and Amy Adams. Now, these are awesome neighbors:



The plot surrounds an agoraphobic who befriends a call girl and OHMYGODAMYADAMSISPLAYINGACALLGIRL. Ok, slow down, Ryan. Breath deep. There's at least tens of people who are going to read this and see you verbally spazzing (as if that were a new thing). I realize that this is a mainstream film, so we'll be getting the cleaned-up, wholesome, Pretty Woman style call girl who barely kisses anybody and isn't a reminder of the inherent tragedy that such demeaning professions still exist, but still...hominahomina! Galifianakis playing an agoraphobe isn't nearly as thrilling but does prove that he's about to start taking work away from Will Ferrell. Let's face it, pre-Land of the Lost and The Hangover, we're talking about this as a Ferrell project also featuring Adams. Sorry, Will