Tuesday, September 7, 2010

For the love of God, SOMEONE star in Gravity!!!!

The saga behind who will star in (and thus save) Gravity is quickly approaching soap opera status.

Director Alfonso Cuaron: Angelina, you are the only woman for me, without you, I'm lost.
Angelina Jolie: Alfonso, you know that I love and respect you, but my heart is with Brad. Between my love for him, raising my litter, and perpetually trying to convince the world that I was never batshit insane, I have no time for you.
Alfonso: Woe is me! My one true love has left me! I shall never be able to move forward ever again. My life's work is dead, dead, dead. Wait, who is that over there?
Scarlett Johansson: I'm sorry, Alfonso, but my perfect heaving bosom does not have within it burning desire to be locked into an antigravity simulator and barf all over my perfect figure for months on end. Besides, nobody thinks I have the talent for what you want me to do.
Alfonso: We can make it work, Scarlett! WE CAN MAKE AN ASTRONAUT SUIT SEXY, I SWEAR IT! ALAS!!! Angelina does not love me, Scarlett does not love me. What am I to do? Wait, who's that over there?
Blake Lively: Dude, I'm like 12. You shouldn't even be looking at me like that.
Alfonso: ALAS AND ALACK! I have been spurned by Angelina, rejected by Scarlett, threatened with legal action by Blake. What would my friends do? Well, Darren Aronofsky would just cast his wife.
Rachel Weisz: Don't even think about it.
Alfonso: But I know that if we...
Rachel Weisz: You think I do weird artistic science fiction projects for just anybody? My HUSBAND asked me to do that last one, and I got to rub all over Hugh Jackman. Who would I be rubbing against in your film?
Alfonso: If you were wanting to rub, you would have to rub against yourself.
Rachel Weisz: Aaaaand I'm out.
Alfonso: That's it, my life is over. The ladies, they do not love me. My art will wither and die like a stubborn grape on a vine. Wait, who is that over there?

Alfonso: She is an angel! A divine being possessed of more beauty and talent than any of these women before mentioned! I shall send her a love letter in the form of my revised script! Surely she cannot resist the charms of my new draft! I will win her heart!

And that folks, is where we stand, although I left out Marion Cotillard, Naomi Watts, and Olivia Wilde because I got tired of this joke. The offer is out to Natalie if she wants it after reading the script. I have said before and I'll say again, I hope SOMEONE takes it so we see this thing, but I wouldn't hold my breath at this point.

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