Friday, September 10, 2010

I tried to avoid talking about this

There just isn't that much movie news right now. People are too busy gearing up for the football season, transitioning back to school, and trying to recover from a lackluster yet somehow lucrative summer movie season while bracing themselves for M. Night Shyamalan's name to reappear in movie theaters next week (the horror...the horror!!!). So as much as I wanted to NOT talk about the impending adaptation of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series, I'm afraid I have to. This is, of course, in no way related to my friend and Detroit Lions apologist CD105.9 morning show host Steve King, although, much like his favorite silver-and-blue powderpuff players, the following story is sure to suck.
See, what's happened SHOULD be cool. The series is going to be a film trilogy AND a TV show. The network has yet to be determined (let the cries for HBO begin now), but the plan is for the movies to exist as sort-of stand alone, while still complemented by a miniseries that will flesh out some of the subplots. How you can get the same actors to play said characters across genres will be intriguing to say the least, but I'm sure that money will influence such decisions. Let's face it, if you're a fan of the series, this is pretty awesome news. You get the big-budget bang of having a movie in theaters AND the comfort of knowing subplots won't be jettisoned for time purposes. The sucky part? It's going to be directed by Ron Howard (including the first season of the TV show) and written by Akiva "Crapmaster" Goldsman, neither of whom could be confused for having unique insight or talent. Howard's most recent praise came from, no lie, making Angels and Demons LESS BORING, whereas Goldsman has never done anything good in his whole life and should retire to the Appalachian mountains, grow a beard, and marry a goat. Such is the life of a man who wrote Batman and Robin. So there you go, an aggressively awesome strategy for adaptation ruined by having two terrible people involved. Also, I'm guessing there won't be a huge fan base for this, and the series will be canceled which will kill the last two movies, leaving the world with "Dark Tower" blue balls.

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