I tried to avoid talking about this

There just isn't that much movie news right now. People are too busy gearing up for the football season, transitioning back to school, and trying to recover from a lackluster yet somehow lucrative summer movie season while bracing themselves for M. Night Shyamalan's name to reappear in movie theaters next week (the horror...the horror!!!). So as much as I wanted to NOT talk about the impending adaptation of Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series, I'm afraid I have to. This is, of course, in no way related to my friend and Detroit Lions apologist CD105.9 morning show host Steve King, although, much like his favorite silver-and-blue powderpuff players, the following story is sure to suck.
See, what's happened SHOULD be cool. The series is going to be a film trilogy AND a TV show. The network has yet to be determined (let the cries for HBO begin now), but the plan is for the movies to exist as sort-of stand alone, while still complemented by a miniseries that will flesh out some of the subplots. How you can get the same actors to play said characters across genres will be intriguing to say the least, but I'm sure that money will influence such decisions. Let's face it, if you're a fan of the series, this is pretty awesome news. You get the big-budget bang of having a movie in theaters AND the comfort of knowing subplots won't be jettisoned for time purposes. The sucky part? It's going to be directed by Ron Howard (including the first season of the TV show) and written by Akiva "Crapmaster" Goldsman, neither of whom could be confused for having unique insight or talent. Howard's most recent praise came from, no lie, making Angels and Demons LESS BORING, whereas Goldsman has never done anything good in his whole life and should retire to the Appalachian mountains, grow a beard, and marry a goat. Such is the life of a man who wrote Batman and Robin. So there you go, an aggressively awesome strategy for adaptation ruined by having two terrible people involved. Also, I'm guessing there won't be a huge fan base for this, and the series will be canceled which will kill the last two movies, leaving the world with "Dark Tower" blue balls.

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For my friend, Andrew, here's some hate fodder

Devin at Chud.com did a little straight-forward piece on some comments made by screenwriter/producer/Oscar-winner/son-of-a-bitch Akiva Goldsman in the LA Times. This was a harmless gesture by Devin, and led to the inevitable mention of Goldsman's involvement in Batman and Robin, a movie for which Goldsman should have rightly been killed. Devin calls attention to Goldsman's comments on the upcoming Lobo movie, directed by Guy Ritchie, and on Swamp Thing, both of which will unquestionably suck solely because Goldsman is a terrible writer, an awful producer, and likely feasts on the marrow of kitties and on puppy flesh. Don't believe me? Read this following excerpt and ask yourself how hard you'd like to punch the person saying this.

"There's something hyperbolic and authentic about a Guy Ritchie movie. His best movie are deeply, deeply stylized yet they are all grounded; there's a grit of stylization, which sounds like an oxymoron but it makes perfect sense when you've seen his films."

"A grit of stylization?" You're right, Akiva, that does sound like an oxymoron, if oxymoron means "what the f**k are you talking about?" He goes on to mention that they've got the character design of Lobo down, which is good, because I still don't know how you make this look less stupid in real life:

But rest assured, if anyone can do it, it's the guy who wrote Practical Magic. This is why we should be able to count certain movies as war crimes.

Lobo is loco

Guy Ritchie, whose freedom from Madonna has also seemingly come with an increased presence in the world of cinema, is about to commit a crime against comicdom...or at least those who have strong feelings about this guy:

That's Lobo. According to Variety, Ritchie will be helming a PG-13 version of his DC comic. Just so we're clear, a PG-13 Lobo is like having an R-rated "Dora the Explorer," because the only reason Lobo is interesting to anyone is that he's raunchy and vulgar. It makes no GD sense to turn this into a demographic-appealing movie...look at him, you aren't going to have wide appeal for that. Personally, I always found Lobo to be a ridiculous Wolverine rip-off who rides a redonkulous jet ski through space and says stupid shit like "Bastich." Actually, speaking of saying stupid shit, crapmaster Akiva Goldsman (who is involved with this project) got off easy in my post on The Fantastic Four relaunch the other day, so now seems like as good a time as any to mention how much he sucks (if only for my buddy Andrew).

Ahem. AKIVA GOLDSMAN SUCKS SOOOO BAD....how bad does he suck? He sucks so bad:

• That when he put nipples on the batsuit in Batman and Robin he instantly nursed from them
• That Batman Forever was the BEST Batman movie he wrote
• That when he won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind it instantly was sent into a parallel universe through the wormhole that is his mouth
• That Akiva is now officially Hebrew for "talentless hack"
• That his dialogue in Lost in Space was worse than Matthew Perry's acting
  

Okay, I'm done now. But feel free to try at home.