Thursday, September 16, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"
With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

Thursday, that bastard of the business week keeping you from Friday, is nonetheless the most celebrated day for those who are giant enthusiasts of my junk. And there are many among you out there who cannot wait for this day for just that reason, because feasting on the goodness and quality of the junk I present to you as an offering of goodwill and love is perhaps the most joy you will experience.

Obviously, by junk I mean movie news and not the thing that you thought I was talking about because I don't think you thought I would really talk about that thing you were thinking about, right? This is where I put all the little itty-bitty movie nuggets that don't deserve their own blog. They are insignificant alone, but together comprise the magnificence of my junk. Now, we begin by looking at the image above of an alleged junk drawer. It's creepy and from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN! I start off by picking an item and writing a story about it, for no good reason whatsoever. Today's item is the braid-thing in the upper left corner. After years of covering fluff pieces for Action News Channel 8, Samantha Hornswaggle had enough. Tired of car shows, old people doing adorable things, and any story involving a pet, Samantha took out her rage on an unsuspecting target. Having been assigned to do an in-depth profile of what happened to the Taco Monkey who starred in several commercials, her anger overcame her. What became of the monkey is not important. What is important is that Samantha's junk drawer now has souvenirs of missing subjects of fluff stories, starting with the Taco Monkey's tiny rope he used as a lasso.

Okay, enough shenanigan-ary, let's get to some movie nuggets, dammit!

1.) Ryan Reynolds is going to star in everything from now on - I believe there was a congressional mandate of some kind passed that Ryan Reynolds will now be if not in every movie, in every other movie. While finishing Green Lantern, the ab-tastic sarcasm spewer discussed the ongoing saga of Deadpool, the movie that ain't gonna happen.

He basically said that it is nothing like the God awful representation in Wolverine, that it is a filthy, violent movie that breaks the fourth wall and really pushes the envelope. He insisted the film is alive, made some clever observations, and then probably banged the interviewer (male or female) while Scarlet Johansson watched because he's married to her and he can still get any human he wants. Look, I think this sounds promising, but it's not going to happen. It just isn't. There's no reasonable way that Fox won't screw it up, that his busy schedule will allow the film to be worked in, and that the budget will be high enough to get what needs to be done in it given that it sounds "filthy." This is great lip service from a man with coveted lips, but I would sooner believe the Israeli/Palestinian peace talks result in lasting respect and human decency than Deadpool actually happening.

2.) Fatty FIGHT! - I don't like Kevin James. Mostly because I don't like things that suck. I have as much desire to follow his career as drink year-old milk.

Shown here with his wife who is obviously with him because she finds him sexually attractive, the douche already has Paul Blart 2 on his radar and is now adding a movie in which he will play “a physics teacher whose school faces drastic cutbacks. In an attempt to save his best friend’s job and the music program his students love, he moonlights in the octagon as a mixed martial arts fighter, ultimately leading to brawling in the UFC.” This is great news for everyone looking to further legitimize MMA in the mainstream media, as there is no better spokesman for anything than Kevin James. Just look at what he did for gay marriage after Chuck and Larry or for mall security guard respect after Fatty Falls and Runs and Stuff. This new MMA with fatty movie will do $100 million and spawn 3-4 sequels, so I'm not going to get too worked up about it. It's not good for my blood pressure.

3.) Hawkeye to have potentially less stupid looking costume - We've seen Captain America in his red-white-and-blue jumpsuit, Thor in his cape-laden muscle suit, Iron Man's tin, and the Black Widow in her skin-tight booby-zippered spandex, but we have yet to see what Hawkeye is going to look like. And he could look really stupid.

Forget the purple-and-blue color scheme, the pirate boots, and the giant H on his head, what's with the chain-mail armor ONLY around the neck? Are you fighting crime or about to hit Vaseline Dreams, Ohio's hottest gay nightclub? Actually, the Avengers could really use some measure of sexual diversity, seeing as how they're going to treat their only (that's right, I said ONLY) female as a collection of nice body parts on display, it'd be nice if they revealed Nick Fury was into dudes or something. Anyway, Jeremy Renner just revealed that the costume will be "more realistic" and hinted that he may get to touch the Black Widow. Ah, yes, because by all means, let's have the ONLY woman function mostly as a romantic subplot. You know what, I love Joss Whedon, and I think he will probably do a better job than it sounds like right now balancing out all of these characters, so instead of bagging on the lack of diversity and whatnot, let's focus on the positive here: Hawkeye may not look like a reject from Pirates of the Virgin Islands, the direct-to-video softcore porn version of the Johnny Depp series.

4.) We are much closer to ninjas fighting pirates - I do enjoy me some "Deadliest Warrior," the Spike TV show that pits historical warriors against one another, even though the hosts have the combined personality of toast and a hatrack. Seriously, every week the curly-haired nerd practically turns to the screen and begs for a wedgie. Also, they have the production budget of a public access show, so the final fights are usually just God awful. That said, they let me think about, say a pirate fighting a ninja for awhile, so it's still an awesome exercise in television brilliance.

Now comes word that there's going to be a movie. Wait, what? apparently, the plot is "under wraps," but they're going to give them a budget to do a movie based on this. I think we all know what this is going to be like: Bill and Ted's Excellent Fight Club. They're going to have some crazy, "Mortal Kombat" style fighting club that plucks the best warriors in history and have them fight in a bloody battle to the death inside some weird stadium. Mark my words, this is the plot. All I care about is that they (A) don't have Q-tip head and freaky tall guy discussing the "computer analysis" at all, (B) don't worry about big name actors and focus on the best stuntmen in the world doing lots of fighting, and (C) don't somehow introduce a love story to make the ladies like it, because ladies willing to see Deadliest Warrior: The Movie don't need a love story. This could be horrible...or horribly awesome.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Sadly, I have no trailers of interest today. Just a movie that pairs Angelina Jolie and Johnny Depp and an Oscar contender featuring Christian Bale. Nobody would be interested in either of those, right?

First up is The Tourist, which is going to make all of the money. Does it look generic? Sure. Does it also star Depp and Jolie? Yes. Then it's going to make all of the money. I kind of want to see it myself. See, you can't resist it.

The Fighter was at one point an Aronofsky film, and I was more excited then. But considering that Christian Bale is one of the best actors out there, even though he may have a small temper issue, watching him do his thing is always important. Plus this may be the film that gets Mark Wahlberg his SECOND Oscar nomination. Wrap your mind around that. Marky Mark is a multiple Oscar nominee? Somewhere the Funky Bunch rages.

That's my junk for the week. Hope it was enough for you. Hit me up tomorrow for weekend plans.

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