Thursday, October 7, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"
With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

Today is Friday. Don't check your calendar, just trust me. God, how great would that be if someone failed to show up to work and gave the reasoning "this dude on a blog lied to me." I only wish I had that power. No, today is MY Friday, because it's my brother-in-law's wedding, and tonight is his bachelor party, during which I can only assume he will drink all the beerses and alcohols available. Should be fun, could be dangerous. Since I'm out tomorrow, that means no box office predictions, so just assume I got everything right.

But today is not tomorrow, and today there are doings to be done. Of course, by this I mean my junk. That's right, it's time for us to do my junk. I know a lot of people out there live their lives by the appearance of my junk (if not by the content inside of it), so I have a responsibility to provide the strongest junk I possibly can. It's a busy week, so it may not be long, but I promise my junk will be satisfactory.

Of course, by junk I mean movie tidbits that aren't fit for a full blog post and not the lewd sexual innuendo that you clearly thought I was hinting at. I'm pure as the driven snow (after a semi-truck spilling diesel drives through it that is). We begin each week by laughing at the image up top, which is creepy and belongs to Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an item, write a wacky story, laugh at it myself, and never hear about it from anyone again. I do this every week because I am a slave to tradition and because doing so amuses me (like a fart in church). Today's item is the braid in the upper left corner. Marcus was a huge music fan, and his favorite artist was the one, the only Johnny Cash. After years of research into the origins of Johnny's music, Marcus was shocked to find that the original version of "Walk the Line" varied greatly from the finished product everyone knows. Turns out the original lyrics were "I keep my pants up with a piece of twine/if you'll be mine/just pull the twine." Obviously, the radio stations weren't ready for such progressive material, and the lyrics were changed. At an auction in Nashville, Marcus finally tracked down the item he had always sought after making the discovery about those lyrics: In Marcus' junk drawer now resides the twine that once kept up Johnny Cash's pants.

Okay, enough chicanery and horseplay, let's get to some movie nuggets!

1.) Turns out, lots of people can resist Gravity - Alfonso Cuaron has been rejected more times than a penniless Kevin James would be. He's been turned down more times than a hotel bed. He's been shot down more than a low-flying drone in North Korea. He's been told no more times than George W Bush when he asked to fly Air Force One.

Natalie Portman, ole Natty P, is the latest to flip Cuaron's Gravity the bird. So what do you do when you can't have the most beautiful, talented actress in the world? You get the lady from Miss Congeniality 2.

Sandra Bullock will reportedly be starring in the film, and must really be happy about being the director's 27th choice. If the movie is a huge hit, she gets to laugh at all the other actresses. If it turns out that the other 26 passed for a reason, maybe we get Practical Magic 2.

2.) The great and powerful Raimi? - Oz is officially open for business, as the glut of rumors and potential movies is about to birth it's first real flick from the womb of imagination and lax copyright laws. Sam Raimi is going to do The Great and Powerful Oz.

Slashfilm has a great writeup (and this awesome image above), which reminds us that (A) Robert Downey Jr may play Oz and thus make this whole thing cool, (B) the project has been flipping around for awhile now, so until we actually see it start shooting, we should treat this like rumors of your nerdy high-school friend's "girlfriend from Delaware," and (C) it could suck. It's going to be written by one of the "it" screenwriters right now, but I don't care enough to look up his name because this project disappears like aqua-phobic witches.

3.) I would have gone with SUPERROBOTSPLOSION - The new Transformers movie finally got its "after colon" subtitle. I know we were all hoping for Transformers 3: Michael Bay will still eye-f**k you or Transformers 3: You thought the LAST one was racist, wait until you see what we did with this el Camino. Sadly, it's going to be dumber and worse than all of those. It's Transformers: The Dark of the Moon, which makes no sense. They clearly were smoking something Pink Floyd would give the thumbs up to when the Transformers themselves were created, but aping a classic album title and then changing it enough to make no oddly appropriate for this series so nevermind.

Also, I find this hilarious.

4.) Hanks for the Depp - If you were wondering what Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal were doing besides shining their multiple Oscars, the answer is prepping Sleeping Dogs, a story about various dudes working on the "triple frontier" border of Paraguay, Argentina, and Brazil. Expect mafia, drugs, and terrorists...which automatically makes you think of Tom Hanks, right? Perhaps realizing that he'd best get his shit together or this new generation of film goers will only know him as the guy from those boring church movies, Hanks may costar with a certain minority-capable French enthusiast with pervy facial hair that everyone still loves.

The story goes that Depp is choosing between another Tim Burton movie and this project. Here's some free advice: DON'T DO ANOTHER GD TIM BURTON MOVIE. Go get your Oscar. Go be in a movie that isn't a retread of what you've already done. Go earn your love and fame, which you are freely given. If Johnny Depp opts for a Tim Burton movie above this, he is hereby sanctioned 100 cool points. This moves him slightly below Matt Damon but still significantly above Shia LeBeouf.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Some really good ones this week, which is nice for a change, as I most often just plop crap here.

Faster is notable not because it's original sounding but because I like The Rock when he's mean, I like Clint Mansell when he does anything, and the movie looks pretty for a violent revenge flick. Sure it kind of resembles a WWE movie starring John Cena, but I think I may have fun. It's like Payback only with less racists.

The Tempest is like my second favorite Shakespeare play, so combine Helen Mirren, Julie Taymor, and Russell Brand and you have one of my most anticipated films this coming winter. I mean, how good does this look? If your answer was anything other than "very," you're kind of slow.

Burke and Hare is a return for John Landis to the director's chair, which is noteworthy. But not as important to me as Simon Pegg's presence. I will watch anything he does. I mean, with his permission, not like when he goes to the bathroom or anything.

True Grit...I don't really have more words. It's a new Coen movie...and...just look at it. I want to go to there. I want to go to there now.

Okay, that's it. Take care of yourselves this weekend. Behave, because I won't be. Much love.

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