Cutting Room Floor is home to a sea of snark and snippets about upcoming movies, rumors about films, and other assorted nonsense. Sure, the information is mostly accumulated from other reputable sources, but the sarcasm is 100% home grown.
Monday, November 1, 2010
You got your Depp in my Theron
Everybody must be pooped today, as the biggest news scoops are a few images from a magazine of the motion-capture animated film from Spielberg and Jackson: Adventures of Tintin: Secret of the Unicorn. Since I have a strict, no-unicorns-on-Monday rule, I'm going to just mention that the books on which they're based are uber-popular GLOBALLY, but not so much in the U.S. and that no matter how pretty it is, motion capture still mostly freaks my shit out. We'll cover Tintin down the road, but let's leave the reprinting of images from magazines to Captain America only, okay?
So here's the biggest news story I have for you after this weekend...and mind you, I am (as I mentioned earlier) in the scientifically defined, medically acknowledged realm of "pukey tired." Johnny Depp and Charlize Theron may star in Snow White and the Huntsman.
They look great, yes. Perhaps one would even long to see those two symmetrical faces smash into one another repeatedly, but rumor has it one will be playing the evil queen and the other will be playing the titular huntsman. Sure, you can probably guess based on gender, but you think they'd stop Depp from playing the evil queen if he asked for the role? Hell, they'd let him play Snow White. Then I'd want to see this. The movie apparently has a killer script, which features the huntsman chained to Snow White while they're being chased down by bounty hunters. It's obviously some crazy "reimagining," but everyone seems to be pretty enthusiastic about the whole thing. Then again, "Dancing with the Stars" has like millions of people call in every episode, so I'm not entirely sure what qualifies as actual valuable enthusiasm anymore. Anyway, whether or not this happens (as EVERY Depp project is a rumor until we actually see it), here's the only thing worth mentioning on this pukey Monday.
I watched Nebraska lose on Saturday, then watched the Yankees lose (with my wife and her brother) immediately afterward, then watched the Bears lose on Sunday. If we just want to go ahead and pretend this weekend never happened, I'm good with that. That seems to be what the rest of the world is doing, as the movie news consists of recycled nuggets I've shared with you before and leaked trailers of gritty superheroes from Thailand (yep, that's a real thing). So, here's the plan: I'm going to give you this one semi-interesting but wholly non-original news item to start, then I'm going to drop a review or two on you, then I'm going to recap box office, then I'm going to bounce. I gots things to do this week, peeps, and when there's doings to be done, you'd best get to doing them.
Here's the news item of moderate interest I promised. Keith Richards is returning to piracy in On Stranger Tides, the next Pirates movie. Can we just call them Pirates movies now? Because (A) they have traveled a little beyond that Caribbean we spoke of previously and (B) I really hate spelling Caribbean. It's not like people would be confused, and it would make it a whole lot easier to type out during the inevitable short-lived box office takeover it represents. Featuring just Geoffrey Rush and Johnny Depp, this actually COULD be my favorite in this series, because the dead weight was always Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley...okay, so it was a combined 115 pounds of dead weight, but it was still dead weight. Having Richards cameo again does nothing for me, but if you're into dudes who look like rotted, warty pumpkins, rejoice!
With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"
Today is Friday. Don't check your calendar, just trust me. God, how great would that be if someone failed to show up to work and gave the reasoning "this dude on a blog lied to me." I only wish I had that power. No, today is MY Friday, because it's my brother-in-law's wedding, and tonight is his bachelor party, during which I can only assume he will drink all the beerses and alcohols available. Should be fun, could be dangerous. Since I'm out tomorrow, that means no box office predictions, so just assume I got everything right.
But today is not tomorrow, and today there are doings to be done. Of course, by this I mean my junk. That's right, it's time for us to do my junk. I know a lot of people out there live their lives by the appearance of my junk (if not by the content inside of it), so I have a responsibility to provide the strongest junk I possibly can. It's a busy week, so it may not be long, but I promise my junk will be satisfactory.
Of course, by junk I mean movie tidbits that aren't fit for a full blog post and not the lewd sexual innuendo that you clearly thought I was hinting at. I'm pure as the driven snow (after a semi-truck spilling diesel drives through it that is). We begin each week by laughing at the image up top, which is creepy and belongs to Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN. I pick an item, write a wacky story, laugh at it myself, and never hear about it from anyone again. I do this every week because I am a slave to tradition and because doing so amuses me (like a fart in church). Today's item is the braid in the upper left corner. Marcus was a huge music fan, and his favorite artist was the one, the only Johnny Cash. After years of research into the origins of Johnny's music, Marcus was shocked to find that the original version of "Walk the Line" varied greatly from the finished product everyone knows. Turns out the original lyrics were "I keep my pants up with a piece of twine/if you'll be mine/just pull the twine." Obviously, the radio stations weren't ready for such progressive material, and the lyrics were changed. At an auction in Nashville, Marcus finally tracked down the item he had always sought after making the discovery about those lyrics: In Marcus' junk drawer now resides the twine that once kept up Johnny Cash's pants.
Okay, enough chicanery and horseplay, let's get to some movie nuggets!
1.) Turns out, lots of people can resist Gravity - Alfonso Cuaron has been rejected more times than a penniless Kevin James would be. He's been turned down more times than a hotel bed. He's been shot down more than a low-flying drone in North Korea. He's been told no more times than George W Bush when he asked to fly Air Force One.
Natalie Portman, ole Natty P, is the latest to flip Cuaron's Gravity the bird. So what do you do when you can't have the most beautiful, talented actress in the world? You get the lady from Miss Congeniality 2.
Sandra Bullock will reportedly be starring in the film, and must really be happy about being the director's 27th choice. If the movie is a huge hit, she gets to laugh at all the other actresses. If it turns out that the other 26 passed for a reason, maybe we get Practical Magic 2.
2.) The great and powerful Raimi? - Oz is officially open for business, as the glut of rumors and potential movies is about to birth it's first real flick from the womb of imagination and lax copyright laws. Sam Raimi is going to do The Great and Powerful Oz.
Slashfilm has a great writeup (and this awesome image above), which reminds us that (A) Robert Downey Jr may play Oz and thus make this whole thing cool, (B) the project has been flipping around for awhile now, so until we actually see it start shooting, we should treat this like rumors of your nerdy high-school friend's "girlfriend from Delaware," and (C) it could suck. It's going to be written by one of the "it" screenwriters right now, but I don't care enough to look up his name because this project disappears like aqua-phobic witches.
3.) I would have gone with SUPERROBOTSPLOSION - The new Transformers movie finally got its "after colon" subtitle. I know we were all hoping for Transformers 3: Michael Bay will still eye-f**k you or Transformers 3: You thought the LAST one was racist, wait until you see what we did with this el Camino. Sadly, it's going to be dumber and worse than all of those. It's Transformers: The Dark of the Moon, which makes no sense. They clearly were smoking something Pink Floyd would give the thumbs up to when the Transformers themselves were created, but aping a classic album title and then changing it enough to make no sense...is oddly appropriate for this series so nevermind.
Also, I find this hilarious. 4.) Hanks for the Depp - If you were wondering what Kathryn Bigelow and Mark Boal were doing besides shining their multiple Oscars, the answer is prepping Sleeping Dogs, a story about various dudes working on the "triple frontier" border of Paraguay, Argentina, and Brazil. Expect mafia, drugs, and terrorists...which automatically makes you think of Tom Hanks, right? Perhaps realizing that he'd best get his shit together or this new generation of film goers will only know him as the guy from those boring church movies, Hanks may costar with a certain minority-capable French enthusiast with pervy facial hair that everyone still loves.
The story goes that Depp is choosing between another Tim Burton movie and this project. Here's some free advice: DON'T DO ANOTHER GD TIM BURTON MOVIE. Go get your Oscar. Go be in a movie that isn't a retread of what you've already done. Go earn your love and fame, which you are freely given. If Johnny Depp opts for a Tim Burton movie above this, he is hereby sanctioned 100 cool points. This moves him slightly below Matt Damon but still significantly above Shia LeBeouf.
5.) Trailers, Parked - Some really good ones this week, which is nice for a change, as I most often just plop crap here.
Faster is notable not because it's original sounding but because I like The Rock when he's mean, I like Clint Mansell when he does anything, and the movie looks pretty for a violent revenge flick. Sure it kind of resembles a WWE movie starring John Cena, but I think I may have fun. It's like Payback only with less racists.
The Tempest is like my second favorite Shakespeare play, so combine Helen Mirren, Julie Taymor, and Russell Brand and you have one of my most anticipated films this coming winter. I mean, how good does this look? If your answer was anything other than "very," you're kind of slow.
Burke and Hare is a return for John Landis to the director's chair, which is noteworthy. But not as important to me as Simon Pegg's presence. I will watch anything he does. I mean, with his permission, not like when he goes to the bathroom or anything.
True Grit...I don't really have more words. It's a new Coen movie...and...just look at it. I want to go to there. I want to go to there now.
Okay, that's it. Take care of yourselves this weekend. Behave, because I won't be. Much love.
I mostly keep track of time by how often I find myself writing this junk column. Again?! We've made it through another week AGAIN?! Why that's as shocking as it is spectacular! Before we get started, a quick note to whoever has been blowing up this blog lately (especially clicking the crap out of the ads). I love you to the utmost allowance of the law given that you technically are sending me money (I ain't going back to the pokey on no prostitution charge again).
As you know, I named this column my junk drawer in part because the metaphor worked and in part because it allowed me to make a juvenile reference to "showing people my junk." Yes, I do get paid (minimally) for such cleverness. In reality, this is the place where I show off all the movie news that's too small to warrant its own blog post. We begin by looking at the above image from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN), which is terrifying to me for some reason. We (and by we, I mean I) then select an item from that illustration and make up a story about it for funsies. Today's item is the fuzzy cord in the middle. Tito had spent his whole life terrified of spiders. He dedicated his life to inventing new and better ways to kill them, ranging from "Whack-a-Spider," a spider-shaped mallet, to "Spider-b-Gone," a spray that released a cloud that would follow the spider, raining acid down upon it. Tito thought of little else in his life. Sadly, the last thoughts he ever had were the following: "OHMYGOD IS THAT A GIANT SPIDER IN MY JUNK DRAWER WITH LEGS LIKE A MINI OCTOPUS" and "Is this technically an ironic death?"
Okay, that's enough nonsense. Let's get right to the good stuff! Here's the news that's mostly fit to print.
1.) Like I've always said, don't worry...Costner's on it - What I'm about to tell you is going to sound impossible or at the very least ridiculous. BP has called Kevin Costner to ask for his help cleaning up the oil spill in Louisiana because of an invention he paid for while making Waterworld. No, you haven't switched to the new Hallucinogenic Mint flavor of Crest Toothpaste nor did your spouse finally cause blunt force trauma to your cabeza while you slept. I'm not making this up, the New York Daily News says that Costner paid scientists millions of dollars to make a device that could purify ocean water. They succeeded in creating something that used centrifuge technology to render oil-laden water 97% pure (the other 3% contains Costner body hair). They have devices in various sizes, the largest can purify 200 gallons per minute. I'm serious, stop looking at me like this. I'm not that clever. I couldn't come up with something this ridiculous on my own. Look, here's a newscast talking about it.
See! So, on the one hand, thank God for Waterworld, right? On the other...I don't want Kevin Costner to be responsible for anything good. I don't want to even accidentally respect him. So, let's pause a minute and talk about his press conference attire. Kevin, when you're part of a team that CALLS the press conference, feel free to wear something slightly more upscale than your beer-stained drinkin' polo. This wasn't ambush journalism...you called this conference. Also, it appears to be quite cloudy, so feel free to take your sunglasses of when you address the people who, for once, actually care about what you're saying. For the next few minutes, you are the donor who helped create valuable technology, not the guy who did Swing Vote. I know you're convinced that your unprotected stare may cause ladies to instantly drop their panties, but those days disappeared with your hairline. If your machine, which appears in the video above to make wine not clear oil, actually works, I'll say something nice about you. Promise.
2.) How bad do you have to be to NOT star in Transformers 3- So far, the only people who appeared in the last Transformers who aren't appearing in this next installment are two racist robots and Megan Fox (and people have supposedly seen the racist robots on set). Claiming it was "her choice" to exit the series, Fox will be replaced, although Michael Bay promises that the quest to find an incredibly hot actress with little talent will be a challenge he may spend years on. Fox, who has committed what I believe to be career seppuku, is set to debut her terrible southern accent in the sure-to-be-a-bomb Jonah Hex before moving on to finding a cure for her toe thumbs. Most kidding aside, I don't think Fox realizes that she's a flash in the pan. There are zillions of pretty boys and girls in the world. Unless she is able to find something that fully plays to her strengths (presumably a 3D silent film), she's going to disappear faster than Costner's hairline.
3.) Tim Burton to cast Johnny Depp as a psychic, teenage Japanese girl? - Okay, that's a little presumptuous on my part. It's entirely possible that Burton could cast his wife, Helena Bonham "OHMYGODDOSOMETHINGWITHYOURHAIR" Carter as the teenage Japanese girl with psychic powers in Mai, The Psychic Girl. The director is adapting the 1980s era manga comic about a....okay, you get the idea. He was supposed to do this awhile back, but it would likely have not fit his "must repeat myself exactly for the next decade" life plan. Now, he's revisiting the project and it is said to be next on his list. Latino Review has some interesting thoughts on the matter, and if I may crawl out of my angry shell for a moment, so do I. This has the potential, and that is just potential, to urge Burton to at least try something different. I see no fairy tale aspects (it's more sci-fi), I see no immediate place to put the two actors I mentioned above (other than maybe some kind of father and mother cameo), and I see no way in which the gothic style he's repeated ad naseum would instantly transfer here. Let's call me cautiously optimistic that even Burton has gotten sick of Burton.
4.) I'm less horrified that this is going to be a movie and more horrified that it's a book - Someone spent presumably hours of their life writing "Blood Oath," a novel with the tagline "The ultimate secret. The ultimate agent. The President's vampire." Someone else then presumably read that novel (or at least the back jacket of it) and said, "let's make that a movie." Now, Heatvision is reporting that we are going to see a movie about a vampire spy. Let that wash over you for a minute. A vampire spy. When I claimed that Twilight was going to ruin the world, I apparently was understating things. We now live in a reality with vampire secret agent movies where Spider-man will be rebooted to capture more of the Twilight-esque teenage romance. I'm not nearly drunk enough to be recounting these events. Also, to the guy who wrote "Blood Oath": Stop it. Just...stop it. If you have the self-control and patience to actually finish a novel, you have the potential to correct your life before it's too late. If you write a sequel where there's a werewolf working for the KGB, I will stab you with a spork. Also, you can't write that now because I came up with the idea first. Someone get my agent on the phone.
5.) Trailers, parked - I'm not going to make you wait another minute for my favorite discovery of the day. The film is called Iron Sky. You're going to want to see it. Why? Well it's a Finnish-German production filmed mostly in English. It's supposedly got humor to it, although I didn't see much in the trailer. Oh, and it's based on the premise that in 1945, Nazis fled to the dark side of the moon and have now returned to take over earth. Here you go!
There really aren't that many other interesting trailers out at the moment, so I'll just leave you this time to rewatch that one again. Seriously. Nazis in space.
I am a grumpy asshole sometimes. I know that. Still, I hope that people in the world know that I don't actually begrudge them their entertainment. One man's totally awful, painful experience is another person's favorite movie. Art is subjective, even bad art. So, yes, you are totally empowered and entitled to believe that Alice in Wonderland is a good movie, even though it isn't. Here's the review:
Blather Jockey Alice in Wonderland proves Burton has lost it
To director Tim Burton, the only thing more unimaginable than casting a minority in one of his films is allowing Johnny Depp to keep his dignity. Friends or not, if Depp had shot Burton in the face after watching the computer-generated jig his body was reanimated into performing during Alice in Wonderland’s dénouement, it would have been justifiable homicide. If something as flaccid as this exercise in 3D jackassery can leave a lasting impression, it will be remembered for the moment Depp and Burton officially became parodies of themselves.
Screenwriter Linda Woolverton was “inspired by” Lewis Carroll’s novels, insofar as “inspired by” means “encouraged to castrate and simplify.” Luckily, Carroll, a mathematician noted for playing with both words and logic, is dead, so he won’t be privy to the often dull and dumb endeavor his classic tomes served to “inspire.” The film opens with Alice, played by the so-pale-she’s-damn-near-translucent Mia Wasikowska, discussing a dream with her father. This dream is actually her first visit to Wonderland, the most boring fantasy world in all of creation, which she forgets for no explainable reason.
Fast forward and Alice is nearly 20 years old and about to be forced into marrying a yucky British royal. At the moment when Sir Snooty McBadteeth proposes, Alice sees the White Rabbit (Michael Sheen) and chases him down his magic hole. Once there, she meets some familiar faces, rendered with animation slightly less sophisticated than is used to make the Geico gecko. Tweedledee and Tweedledum (both played by Matt Lucas) and Dormouse (Barbra Windsor) can’t agree whether this Alice is the “right Alice,” so they ask the pot-smoking, er, hookah-smoking caterpillar (Alan Rickman), who speaks cryptically to further the plot.
Thankfully, the Mad Hatter (Depp) informs her that she is the correct Alice and that she must slay the Jabberwocky, the evil protector of the Red Queen (Helena Bonham Carter). The Red Queen has been given an enormously disproportionate head using computer effects presumably because Burton and Woolverton considered this both hilarious and sufficient character development. The White Queen (Anne Hathaway) doesn’t fair much better, having been painted whiter than an albino cave dweller, save for her black eyebrows and makeup. Both appear to have been costumed on some kind of dare.
The exact reason why the Red Queen must be overthrown isn’t clear; the White Queen seems to run an equal-sized kingdom, and the Red Queen’s biggest atrocities involve whacking people who stupidly choose to hang out with her and not the White Queen. The reason Alice must be the one to wield the infamous vorpal sword and slay the dragon is also unknown, as pretty much anyone in the film of appropriate size with opposable thumbs could carry the weapon and do the same thing. A fantasy film without fantasy, an ode to imagination without imagination, this is box office moviemaking at its most unabashed.
Burton’s fall from grace has been precipitous, as his last truly original endeavor was 1996’s Mars Attacks. On the other hand, Depp needs some kind of Burton-addiction intervention to save his talent; Bonham Carter is forced to participate because she’s married to Burton, Depp has no such excuse. Compounding the sadness is the fact that the director has developed an inexplicably loyal following based on previous success. If his fans follow onward from this point, they must no longer be pitied.
To be sure, Alice in Wonderland will make boatloads of money, as it has been carefully designed to exploit all key demographics; it is such a thing as dreams of Hot Topics purchases are made of. What it isn’t, what it isn’t even approaching, is good.
Quick hits: Bruce Willis lies and Blackbeard lives!
I don't want to call Bruce Willis a liar, because he can probably beat me up a lot. I don't care how old he is or that he's an actor, I can tell he has the rage. The big "news" yesterday was that MTV talked to Willis, who is out promoting Cop Out because he has to contractually, and got him to say that there's going to be a Die Hard 5. Huh? Oh, and that it's shooting next year. WHA? Oh, and that it's going to go "worldwide." HUHBUHWHA? First off, this is likely hokum (which is not a delicious party drink but an old-time euphemism for doody). Second, if it isn't, that's dumb. I liked Live Free or Die Hard just fine. It's not a Die Hard movie, but I liked it just fine. I think they should return the series to its roots. I liked Slashfilm.com's suggestion that it should take place in a mall. That would be rad. I don't like the thought of Bruce hopping plane to plane, blowing up international terrorists in gay Paris. I want him taking out local baddies in a confined environment. That's what Die Hard is. You're now just making mediocre action movies and calling them Die Hard. Stop it.
Next up is a quick note telling you that Ian McShane, who got famous for saying a word that rhymes with socktucker on HBO in "Deadwood," is going to be Blackbeard in the next Pirates movie called On Stranger Tides. This is fine. It doesn't really sway me into getting full-on excited for the movie, but I liked the first one so much that I'm going to see the next wave no matter what. I think they have a chance to make something special happen, if they pit Depp versus McShane and don't spend too much time convoluting things with dumb-ass side characters who we only remember as "not Johnny Depp." McShane is a good evil looking guy who has kind of always looked like a pirate and has a creepy voice. I don't know what supernatural element they'll work in, but I hope they allow McShane to say lots of things that rhyme with his famously delivered word. He should describe Jack Sparrow as a "sock-tucking coke-stacker" or a "rock-chucking clock-plucker." It would be great.
Hey there bloggies! I'm 99% sure we had a weekend, I'm just not sure I remember it. Why, it seems like only yesterday that I was sitting here, typing you a feverish missive. One thing I know I did this weekend was check out The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus. I loved it. It was one of those reviews where I sat down thinking it was good but not great and then concluded it was great not good. Another note: When compiling our weekly report card, I couldn't help but notice that the grades were pretty high right now...then I remembered the season we're in. Right now, we're getting all of the good stuff that had been leisurely parcelled out elsewhere, which is yet another reason why I justify waiting until January of 2010 to do the best of 2009 here in Omaha. Anyhoo, just another movie to mention in that same conversation, as I've once more doled out an A. Ebert said this was one great year...he wasn't wrong, not by a long shot.
Morality Playtime Do not pass on Parnassus
Terry Gilliam is cilantro.
Those who love him, covet his wild flavor; those who don’t, loathe his odd aftertaste, spitting him out after the first bite. Unsurprisingly, The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus is not Gilliam’s evangelical masterwork and will fail to convert a single reluctant devotee. It will, however, breathe fire back into the bellies of the believers with its subtle fragrance of Brazil and whimsical hints of The Adventures of Baron Munchausen. Virtually mocking the “advancements” of James Cameron and his ilk, the imagery and narrative of Parnassus speaks as much about good and evil as the responsibility of storytellers to literally sustain the universe with imagination. No pressure.
Although it should be equally remembered for Gilliam’s rebirth, Parnassus will likely only be recalled as the final cinematic resting place of the late Heath Ledger. Ledger, who previously worked with Gilliam in the epic turd The Brothers Grimm, stars as Tony, an amnesiac found hanged beneath a bridge by a troupe of performers. Anton (Andrew Garfield), Valentina (Lily Cole) and Percy (Verne Troyer) retrieve and revive Tony, to the delight of Doctor Parnassus (Christopher Plummer), who sees the stranger’s arrival as a potential turning point in his wager with the devil (Tom Waits) for the soul of Valentina, Parnassus’s daughter.
The wager plays out thusly: Parnassus uses his traveling stage show to convince viewers to enter a mirror that transports them to a world made of their imagination. Once inside, they will be presented two options: take the devil’s shortcut or Parnassus’s more difficult, but rewarding, path that leads to redemption on earth through creativity. The first to five souls claims Valentina’s. Within the framework of the centuries-old morality play, Gilliam and Charles McKeown crafted a story that seemingly points a finger at derivative modern moviemakers. Thankfully, it isn’t a wagging finger or a middle digit, but one that beckons others to simply try harder to recall the power inherent in imagineering.
As has been well documented, the untimely death of Ledger towards the conclusion of filming resulted in an interesting but vastly creative decision. Each of the three times Tony enters the mirror, he is transformed into a different actor. Tragic necessity may have demanded the inclusion of Johnny Depp, Jude Law and Collin Farrell, but the film is inexplicably better for it, which is not to say Ledger’s performance isn’t another stinging reminder of his now absent talent. Indeed, all performers are engaging, most notably the lightly maniacal Waits and the luminescent Cole, who is seemingly a Japanese anime character come to life.
It’s hard not to read Parnassus in a light other than that projected by the globally dominant Avatar. Whereas Cameron’s threadbare story seemed like the product of neglect, Gilliam’s simplistic work is a thin, but carefully chosen and easily approachable, skeleton on which truly unique visuals are hung. To be clear: this ain’t Brazil, but boy is it nice to see Gilliam back in that hemisphere.
Does anybody out there know what ethnicity Johnny Depp actually is? I mean, look at him (for most of you, this will not be difficult):
What is he? I know there's a European mix in there, and a few fan sites (that I visited for research...) explain that he has Cherokee blood in him, but really, I don't know how to categorize him. The reason I bring this up isn't because I'm suddenly obsessed with genealogy, it's because Variety is reporting Depp is going to play Pancho Villa. If you don't recognize Villa's name from history, you can tell just by looking the origins (it's Swedish, obviously). To put it in perspective, the dude above is going to play the dude below (he's the one that isn't the horse).
The craziest part? It's going to be an entirely Spanish-language production. Yeah, so Depp is going to be acting in Spanish...alongside Ms. Salma Hayek, shown below for no good reason.
Now, that's a crazy-sounding project. I mean, I'll totally see it, but wow is it going to be different. You have to respect that about Depp. He'll go from whoring himself in The Lone Ranger to acting in something like this. You're a wild man, Mr. Depp.
I like this image because it's kind of creepy. This guy apparently keeps a mouse tail, a tube of what appears to be "love rocket lightning," a screw, Canadian money, and a snakeskin in his junk drawer. Creepier still, I got this from "Highlights" magazine. There was a poem that went with it, but any poem that doesn't have a line ending with "izzle" is dead to me (unless it's written in haiku form, which we all know to be the superior poetic formula). I'm going to use this image to introduce my junk (the top 5 non-big stories of the week) until I'm legally forced to stop.
Here's the top 5 non-big stories (aka, MY JUNK!)
1.) Red just got red hot - Why do I follow phenomenal comic writer @warrenellis on twitter? I don't know, because he delivers tweets like this: "I have 149,935 followers. The 150,000th must kill someone of my choosing or I will murder their family." That's good stuff. Ellis writes a shitpile of comics, some very good, some just weird."Red" is one I haven't...ahem...READ yet, but I fully intend to. Back in April, Morgan Freeman and Bruce Willis were joined in this tale of a CIA operative who is "too old for this shit," quits, and of course "knows too much" and thus gets people trying to kill him. Willis is the old CIA man, Freeman is presumably the bad guy, Helen Mirren has just joined (fingers crossed as the sexy-time love interest...I kid...unless you're into that), and the real exciting news just dropped this week. Apparently, John C. Reilly has joined up...and Willis got his real love interest (no, not Reilly...unless you're into that): this gal.
There were any number of photos of the lovely miss Mary Louise Parker that I could have chosen from in various states of undress, but I think this best proves why she must have made a deal with the devil to be so thoroughly beguiling at 45. LOOK AT THAT WOMAN. The beauty is she's somewhat age-appropriate for Willis's character BUT she still looks like a young hottie, so it satisfies Hollywood's hatred for aged women (other than Helen Mirren, Judy Dench, and Meryl Streep). Spy movie? Written by a comic nerd? With John C. Reilly? AND Mary Louise Parker? Red just shot to the top of my hominhominahomina-gots-to-see-this-NOW list.
2.) So, you're saying you think a Depp/Jolie movie will make money? - I have always admired Johnny Depp for not taking the easy way out. After his "21 Jump Street" introduction, he quickly went batshit insane, taking on roles in a John Waters movie and becoming Tim Burton's muse. Until Pirates, he was a leading man without a signature role or huge franchise hit. I didn't mind that Pirates became all PIRATES but now it looks like he's gotten a taste of the big-time bug and doesn't want to let go. According to Variety, Depp will be taking over for Sam "How the f**k did I get famous" Worthington in The Tourist, a movie about an average tourist who gets convinced to help the government track down an ex who is a major criminal...the criminal in this case being Jolie. It kind of sounds like every other Angelina Jolie movie, and Depp will probably want to play the tourist with a prosthetic leg and a lisp, but to be honest it sounds so commercial I'm shocked Depp is involved. I really hope we aren't losing one of the good ones to the path of least resistance. Also, to show I'm an equal time fella, here's a picture of Johnny Depp (albeit one in which he looks like the guy working at Starbucks who will give you your goddamn latte but resent you whilst doing it).
3.) Direct-to-TV sequel? - I kind of want to see 2012. I know it's going to be total crap story-wise, but you're talking to one half of a husband and wife team who have viewed The Day After Tomorrow about 3 times on FX after seeing it in the theater and not liking it. I haven't truly enjoyed the movie during any of my 4-5 times watching it...so that must say something about crapmaster Roland Emmerich's ability to make watchable bullshit (and about my wife's and my obsession about apocalyptic disasters). Entertainment Weekly is reporting that Emmerich is pimping "2013," a TV series that would be set after the events of 2012. I know, you were hoping for a series that explored what happened if you added 113 to 1900, but you'll have to wait. Sure, this kind of reveals that the Earth doesn't implode in 2012, but so long as it doesn't end with John Cusack facing down some of the worst computer-generated wolves of all time like Day After Tomorrow, I'm okay knowing that humanity survives. Again, I'm torn. I know that Emmerich makes crap, but I watched every episode of the poorly acted "Jericho" because I was so obsessed with post-apocalyptic scenarios. Damn you, Emmerich for putting me in this position. And now, to make myself feel better (and because I mentioned John Cusack above), here's a squirrel holding an invisible boombox above his head.
4.) Angelina Jolie tastes like familiar Salt - I like that we have a female action star, I just kind of wish it wasn't Angelina Jolie. First off, I don't buy that she's able to fling her 87-pound body around with any force. "Oh no, she hit me with all the inertia of a wet noodle." I mean, when Jennifer Garner was throwin' 'bows in "Alias," I bought it. Jolie, not so much. Plus, all of her stuff is starting to look the same. Watch the trailer for Salt, which was rewritten by Kurt Wimmer (the guy who rocked Equilibrium and then farted out Ultraviolet), and tell me it doesn't look exactly like Wanted and Mr. and Mrs. Smith. Jolie's a good actress...so maybe more of the acting should happen now.
5.) Dick Cheney's dream of a white Middle East is realized! - I don't know why no one is able to find a single Middle Eastern actor or actress to appear in Prince of Persia: Sands of Time. I also don't know why the first movie in a potential series can't just be titled Prince of Persia. Why we're at it, I don't know why Jake Gyllenhaal has a British accent for his role as a Persian prince...or why Gemma Arterton (who is totally hotsies, don't get me wrong) is the female lead when there are plenty of beautiful Middle Eastern ladies available...or why Ben Kingsley is the bad Persian guy...or why this trailer confuses me so much when I played the entire game it's based on...or why they decided to give Arterton, who nobody knows, the entire voiceover for the trailer...and why SHE speaks in a British accent. So, this appears to be a movie in which white people pretend to be Persian and a lot of computer effects happen. I want this to be fun but boy does it look like a hot white-Persian mess right now.
