Thursday, November 4, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"
With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

First off, before I get to the usual "me joking around about showing people my junk" Thursday rigmarole, let me apologize for yesterday. Between the exciting new stuff we're about to unload all over your brains with the revamped Reader Web site and, you know, the job that actually pays for my life, I didn't get to blogging yesterday. Lo siento. I know that means you were deprived a "Things You Should Buy Me," but I'll make that up to you by doing one of those tomorrow. You can still buy me things on Friday, it works just as well. Also, I'm off Monday from the blogging. Hey, if this were more than a one-man junk show, I'd have backup. But unless this empty coffee cup or this Christmas ornament featuring The Swedish Chef for the Muppets I keep on my desk gain the ability to craft semi-offensive blog posts of moderate insight and limited information, that job is solely mine.

But you're not here to hear about this blog's nuts and bolts, you're hear to see my junk. For those keeping score at home, give me +14 points for finally thinking of putting the word nuts into a sentence about my junk. Anyway, when I talk about people waiting all week for a glimpse of my junk, I am not talking about what it sounds like I'm talking about (even though I like making it sound like I'm talking about what it sounds like I'm talking about). I'm talking about little, itty-bitty movie news nuggets that don't deserve their own blog posts. They think they're entitled, but they aren't. Sort of how I feel about a lot of Tuesday's elected officials. POLITICAL ZING!

We start off each week by looking at the image of a Junk Drawer up top. It's creepy, right? Maybe it's just me. It's from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and for some reason always makes me think that it's from a serial killers house. Like, if the camera panned back from the angle that image was drawn from, you'd see someone wearing another person's face on their face. Just me? Okay, moving on. What I do is pick an item from said image, make up a wacky story about it, and entertain myself.

Today's item is the screw. Martin couldn't understand why it didn't catch on. "It looks like a screw," he would yell, "but it's ACTUALLY a children's vitamin!" It had taken him years at the pharmaceutical company to finally push through his idea: Nailz N' Screws - Kiddie vitamins. "You know, because kids love screws and nails! And who hasn't wanted to eat them." Although wonderfully nutritious, Martin just couldn't seem to get the FDA to approve. "Do they want their kids to die of scurvy?" Dejected, Martin brought his pet project home, where his children loved them. Right up until his son get tetanus from eating what he thought was a Vitamin A-packed treat. "Oooooh, right," said Martin, who now keeps the last remaining vitamins tucked safely away in his junk drawer.

Okay, enough already, let's get to some movie stuffs!

1.) But...but...none of you LOOK like Harley Quinn...OR MARION COTILLARD! - CBM, the only blog I can safely call "friends of this program" for having given me my one and only shout out, has broken the news that we may be in for multiple females in The Dark Knight Rises. This comes as great news for those who were worried about Chris Nolan's treatment of women (go google "Fridging"). Or not, I suppose he could mistreat MULTIPLE women as easily as one. I know that sounds callous, but hey, my brain is really insensitive today. It just told me a terrible joke to use later about Vera Farmiga, but I promise I won't. The scoop is that the following ladies are in talks for

Kacie Thomas

Charlize Theron - She is purty and, based on her performance on "Between Two Ferns" may be cooler than I thought. Also, she does that with her legs sometimes.

http://www.esquire.com/cm/esquire/images/vera-farmiga-0607-lg.jpg

Vera Farmiga - Her name is funny, and in this picture she appears to be confused as to who failed to change these sheets or how she was talked out of her pants.

The first and last ladies are apparently battling for the role of Julie Madison, a socialite who will replace the 'sploded Rachel Dawes as Bruce Wayne's loin luster. The middle lady may be Sarah Essex, who was created by Frank Miller in Batman: Year One and is a detective with a relationship involving Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman). None of these ladies are apparently playing villains of any kind, which kills my Harley Quinn buzz. None of these ladies are also Marion Cotillard, who is the actress I want in this movie after seeing Nolan direct the crap out of her performance in Inception. I'm not giving up on my Harley Quinn hopes, but it's not looking good. Speaking of not looking good, join me in the next nugget please.

2.) Pay no attention to the man behind the beaver - You have to feel bad for the guy who wrote The Beaver. It's apparently a brilliant script. It lingered around Hollywood for years before finally being scooped up by big name director Jodie Foster and big name star Mel Gibson. Oops. Here's the poster.

After Gibson's douche rampage subsided, he made this movie, which I'm sure is quite good. For a total waste of humanity, Gibson's a damn fine actor. Then he had another douche-tsunami and became a wife-beating, double-strong racist (seriously, he wins every game of Creative Racial Slurs). So now this movie, which struggled forever to get made...because it's about a guy who only communicates to the world through a beaver puppet he found in the trash is now going to slip back into that weird limbo again. I feel bad for Foster and the other creative folks behind it. Not so much for Gibson the douche-a-saur. I actually want to see it, then I want Gibson to fall into a well. A deep well. With spiders. And vomit. And lava. A deep spider, vomit, lava well. That sounds fair.

3.) Now THAT is a sexy beast - So, you're saying that when Sexy Beast director Jonathon Glazer thought about who should star as "an alien on earth disguised as a mesmerizing woman who snares human prey using her voracious sexuality," he thought of this?I am shocked...SHOCKED! I mean, how is it that Miss Johansson, who has made a career out of downplaying her sexuality, has sprung to the top of Glazer's list for Under the Skin? By the way, am I the only one who wants to believe this is a weird sci-fi sequel to In Her Shoes? Something about the title makes me find that funny. Look, I love Scar-jo. She's smokin' hot, and I've had a thing for her forever now. I just want to see her do stuff that DOESN'T involve being smokin' hot and horny. She's a superhero...but it's a leather-bound superhero named Black Widow who poses seductively a lot. She's in a Woody Allen movie (or three), but somehow is sexier than any Allen character ever. Point is, she was so good and vulnerable/nuanced in Lost in Translation. Let's see if she can act. She should have starred in Gravity while she had the chance. Now it's "alien-who-sleeps-with-dudes-to-eat-them" time. Ugh.

4.) It's Shakespeare, only more apocalyptastical - I love me a good Shakespeare retelling. I can't wait for The Tempest, and now I'm geeked for Henry 5. It's going to star Michael Caine and Ray Winstone and is an apocalyptic take on Henry the Fifth. Really? Okay. That sounds, um, AWESOME! I mean, I love apocalyptic stuff AND Shakespeare. What could make this better?

Right, if you can read that, it says Gerard Depardeu is in this. Ooooh, apparently that's what was missing. I wish they'd have Steven Segal in it. I'd just love to see him doing the Bard's work. I believe it's what Shakey would have wanted. Anyway, this is bad-ass. I managed to work Steven Segal and bad-ass into a post on Shakespeare. Give me +23 for that.

5.) Trailers, parked - Finally, here are some trailers. I bookended today's edition. The first trailer is just...wow. The last one is fun. The middle one is a turd. So here's your trailer turd sandwich.

Sucker Punch is my friend Matt Lockwood's favorite movie. Oh, I realize he hasn't seen it yet, but this last trailer just confirmed he doesn't have to. This is pure visual paradise. I don't even care if there are words. Me likey. Me likey a lot. This guy is doing Superman. Everyone feel better about that now?


Gulliver's Travels is going to be awful. There is nothing good that will come of this. If we die out as a people, this may be responsible. This is the day the comedy died.


Blitz stars Jason Statham and is a thriller. That's all you need. Watch.



Okay, that's it for today. Tomorrow I promise to give you things to buy me and we'll talk weekend stuff, okay? Have a good one!

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