Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

First off, before I get to the usual "me joking around about showing people my junk" Thursday rigmarole, let me apologize for yesterday. Between the exciting new stuff we're about to unload all over your brains with the revamped Reader Web site and, you know, the job that actually pays for my life, I didn't get to blogging yesterday. Lo siento. I know that means you were deprived a "Things You Should Buy Me," but I'll make that up to you by doing one of those tomorrow. You can still buy me things on Friday, it works just as well. Also, I'm off Monday from the blogging. Hey, if this were more than a one-man junk show, I'd have backup. But unless this empty coffee cup or this Christmas ornament featuring The Swedish Chef for the Muppets I keep on my desk gain the ability to craft semi-offensive blog posts of moderate insight and limited information, that job is solely mine.

But you're not here to hear about this blog's nuts and bolts, you're hear to see my junk. For those keeping score at home, give me +14 points for finally thinking of putting the word nuts into a sentence about my junk. Anyway, when I talk about people waiting all week for a glimpse of my junk, I am not talking about what it sounds like I'm talking about (even though I like making it sound like I'm talking about what it sounds like I'm talking about). I'm talking about little, itty-bitty movie news nuggets that don't deserve their own blog posts. They think they're entitled, but they aren't. Sort of how I feel about a lot of Tuesday's elected officials. POLITICAL ZING!

We start off each week by looking at the image of a Junk Drawer up top. It's creepy, right? Maybe it's just me. It's from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and for some reason always makes me think that it's from a serial killers house. Like, if the camera panned back from the angle that image was drawn from, you'd see someone wearing another person's face on their face. Just me? Okay, moving on. What I do is pick an item from said image, make up a wacky story about it, and entertain myself.

Today's item is the screw. Martin couldn't understand why it didn't catch on. "It looks like a screw," he would yell, "but it's ACTUALLY a children's vitamin!" It had taken him years at the pharmaceutical company to finally push through his idea: Nailz N' Screws - Kiddie vitamins. "You know, because kids love screws and nails! And who hasn't wanted to eat them." Although wonderfully nutritious, Martin just couldn't seem to get the FDA to approve. "Do they want their kids to die of scurvy?" Dejected, Martin brought his pet project home, where his children loved them. Right up until his son get tetanus from eating what he thought was a Vitamin A-packed treat. "Oooooh, right," said Martin, who now keeps the last remaining vitamins tucked safely away in his junk drawer.

Okay, enough already, let's get to some movie stuffs!

1.) But...but...none of you LOOK like Harley Quinn...OR MARION COTILLARD! - CBM, the only blog I can safely call "friends of this program" for having given me my one and only shout out, has broken the news that we may be in for multiple females in The Dark Knight Rises. This comes as great news for those who were worried about Chris Nolan's treatment of women (go google "Fridging"). Or not, I suppose he could mistreat MULTIPLE women as easily as one. I know that sounds callous, but hey, my brain is really insensitive today. It just told me a terrible joke to use later about Vera Farmiga, but I promise I won't. The scoop is that the following ladies are in talks for

Kacie Thomas

Charlize Theron - She is purty and, based on her performance on "Between Two Ferns" may be cooler than I thought. Also, she does that with her legs sometimes.



Vera Farmiga - Her name is funny, and in this picture she appears to be confused as to who failed to change these sheets or how she was talked out of her pants.

The first and last ladies are apparently battling for the role of Julie Madison, a socialite who will replace the 'sploded Rachel Dawes as Bruce Wayne's loin luster. The middle lady may be Sarah Essex, who was created by Frank Miller in Batman: Year One and is a detective with a relationship involving Jim Gordon (Gary Oldman). None of these ladies are apparently playing villains of any kind, which kills my Harley Quinn buzz. None of these ladies are also Marion Cotillard, who is the actress I want in this movie after seeing Nolan direct the crap out of her performance in Inception. I'm not giving up on my Harley Quinn hopes, but it's not looking good. Speaking of not looking good, join me in the next nugget please.

2.) Pay no attention to the man behind the beaver - You have to feel bad for the guy who wrote The Beaver. It's apparently a brilliant script. It lingered around Hollywood for years before finally being scooped up by big name director Jodie Foster and big name star Mel Gibson. Oops. Here's the poster.

After Gibson's douche rampage subsided, he made this movie, which I'm sure is quite good. For a total waste of humanity, Gibson's a damn fine actor. Then he had another douche-tsunami and became a wife-beating, double-strong racist (seriously, he wins every game of Creative Racial Slurs). So now this movie, which struggled forever to get made...because it's about a guy who only communicates to the world through a beaver puppet he found in the trash is now going to slip back into that weird limbo again. I feel bad for Foster and the other creative folks behind it. Not so much for Gibson the douche-a-saur. I actually want to see it, then I want Gibson to fall into a well. A deep well. With spiders. And vomit. And lava. A deep spider, vomit, lava well. That sounds fair.

3.) Now THAT is a sexy beast - So, you're saying that when Sexy Beast director Jonathon Glazer thought about who should star as "an alien on earth disguised as a mesmerizing woman who snares human prey using her voracious sexuality," he thought of this?I am shocked...SHOCKED! I mean, how is it that Miss Johansson, who has made a career out of downplaying her sexuality, has sprung to the top of Glazer's list for Under the Skin? By the way, am I the only one who wants to believe this is a weird sci-fi sequel to In Her Shoes? Something about the title makes me find that funny. Look, I love Scar-jo. She's smokin' hot, and I've had a thing for her forever now. I just want to see her do stuff that DOESN'T involve being smokin' hot and horny. She's a superhero...but it's a leather-bound superhero named Black Widow who poses seductively a lot. She's in a Woody Allen movie (or three), but somehow is sexier than any Allen character ever. Point is, she was so good and vulnerable/nuanced in Lost in Translation. Let's see if she can act. She should have starred in Gravity while she had the chance. Now it's "alien-who-sleeps-with-dudes-to-eat-them" time. Ugh.

4.) It's Shakespeare, only more apocalyptastical - I love me a good Shakespeare retelling. I can't wait for The Tempest, and now I'm geeked for Henry 5. It's going to star Michael Caine and Ray Winstone and is an apocalyptic take on Henry the Fifth. Really? Okay. That sounds, um, AWESOME! I mean, I love apocalyptic stuff AND Shakespeare. What could make this better?

Right, if you can read that, it says Gerard Depardeu is in this. Ooooh, apparently that's what was missing. I wish they'd have Steven Segal in it. I'd just love to see him doing the Bard's work. I believe it's what Shakey would have wanted. Anyway, this is bad-ass. I managed to work Steven Segal and bad-ass into a post on Shakespeare. Give me +23 for that.

5.) Trailers, parked - Finally, here are some trailers. I bookended today's edition. The first trailer is just...wow. The last one is fun. The middle one is a turd. So here's your trailer turd sandwich.

Sucker Punch is my friend Matt Lockwood's favorite movie. Oh, I realize he hasn't seen it yet, but this last trailer just confirmed he doesn't have to. This is pure visual paradise. I don't even care if there are words. Me likey. Me likey a lot. This guy is doing Superman. Everyone feel better about that now?


Gulliver's Travels is going to be awful. There is nothing good that will come of this. If we die out as a people, this may be responsible. This is the day the comedy died.


Blitz stars Jason Statham and is a thriller. That's all you need. Watch.



Okay, that's it for today. Tomorrow I promise to give you things to buy me and we'll talk weekend stuff, okay? Have a good one!

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

With great junk, comes great responsibility - "Better Off Ted"

I kind of hate this week. It's been all full of weirdness and weak. It's a weak, weird week. Look at what it's done to me! I'm jibbering and jabbering and I don't even know what I'm talking about. It's time to get myself together, if for no other reason than this is the day I expose my junk to you. It may be someone's first time seeing my junk this week, and I want to make a good first impression. Because once someone has an impression about your junk, they will tell EVERYBODY that impression. "Oh, his junk is lame." I don't want that. I can't have people out there saying "Have you seen Ryan's Junk? I have, and it is not good." I want people to say how magnificent it was, how you were surprised at all it contained!

Obviously, I'm talking about my figurative junk...as in the movie news that I deem too small to warrant a full blog post. I realize that it sounded like I was talking about something else, but this is a PG-13 rated site at best. Okay, sometimes I dabble my toes in the R-rated waters...but it always feels like someone peed in that side of the pool. Anyway, as you know, we begin every weekly edition of my Junk Drawer column by looking at the creepy-ass image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN and picking an item I write a goofy story about.

Today's item is the green and red tube in the lower right corner. Knowing full well the cycle of fads, what with the resurgence of skinny jeans and such, Karen knew that if she prepared herself, she could be ahead of the game. Armed with a bedazzler, limited sewing ability, and a passion for ridiculous accessories, she began amassing a staggering number of glittery, fuzzy leg warmers. She couldn't for the life of her figure out why people had stopped wearing them in the first place, what with how your shins felt like you were wearing pants even though you weren't and the awesome, raw, potent sexuality they unleashed. She knew it was only a matter of time before the populous awoke and realized that the only thing that would spell their thirst for sweater sleeves you wear on your legs were legwarmers! And she would be ready. Oh yes. She would be ready.

Okay, enough Tomfoolery and shenanigans. Let's get physical! Here's the Junk Drawer items for this week.

1.) Everything goes exactly as expected. Zzzzzzzzzzzzz - These bits of news were splashed across everyone else's Web site yesterday. But I stand from the pack. I mean, do you see other sites out there spending a good portion of time inventing stories about leg warmers and writing suggestive introductions about their junk? I didn't think so. Look, I didn't report on these things in depth because I find both of them as shocking as when CNN pundits press a button that turns Kentucky red on an electoral map. Here we go. Peter Jackson will, in fact, shoot The Hobbit in New Zealand despite all sorts of previous problems with labor unions (sorry, this is about New Zealand, so I think I have to use the foreign labour spelling, because nothing says "we ain't in America" like an unneeded U). Yippee! Look, it's good news because the films will look the same and it should be filmed there, just for consistency, but honestly did anyone think they wouldn't be? Put your hand down Guy Who Falls For Got Your Nose.

The other boring news is that James Cameron will be doing Avatar 2 and 3 next.
First off, this is so stupid that he should be forced to have the guy on the right in this picture follow him around during the entire production of these films. "I LOVE THE NAVI SO MUCH I JUST WANT TO BE ONE! Also, I really want Dave Matthews to get back to his roots, you know." Seriously, take off the face paint and that guy looks like the date rapist in a "Law and Order: SVU" episode. Anyway, I don't care to see sequels to these films, and just because he said these are his next movies that doesn't mean anything. Given his track record with his "next" project, we could be waiting until 2024. And by waiting, I mean not caring.

2.) Double-decker Cruise news - Maybe that should read "upper decker" Cruise news because both ideas are kind of stinky. Cristopher McQuarrie, who shall be forever loved in my book because he wrote The Usual Suspects, says that Maverick is the lead in Top Gun 2. That's in direct opposition to rumors that Tom Cruise would only cameo in the film. Is he willing to do a full-on sequel? I mean, I guess so. It's not like he's too big to ignore the possibility now. I can't wait to return to the character of Maverick, who has such a rich tapestry of emotions to demonstrate...like boning hot chicks and being angry. I hope the villain is somehow Meg Ryan. That would be awesome. Oh, and in the second half of this news, Cruise was offered a role in the big screen Rock of Ages, which I'm told is a musical about rock music but sounds like it would give me ear herpes.

Tommy loved that joke. Anyway, I don't know if he can sing (no, no he can't), I don't know if he can dance (no, no he can't), but he may take this because he apparently really wants to sing and dance. Look for his wife to be given some role in it as well, which is great news because she needs to come up for air soon or she'll die.

3.) I want Harley Quinn. My ideas are the best. - You have no idea how much I want to be right about the upcoming plot for The Dark Knight Rises. I know I'm probably not, but hear me out. We know that Chris Nolan is meeting with young actresses. The assumption is Catwoman or a new love interest. The process is so secretive that not even the people auditioning know what they're auditioning for. I so badly want it to be Harley Quinn. Let me tell you how this would work and why it would be awesome.

How it would work: We know that Nolan has said his plan was to have the Joker return in the next film before Heath Ledger died. We know that he won't replace the role. We also know that, within the film, the Joker was HOPING that Batman would kill him at the end. That was part of his end game, trying to make Batman lower himself. I like the idea that there may have been a plot past that. As in, the Joker either had a contingency plan for if Batman only captured him or a next step if Batman killed him. Either way, he's out of the picture, which would mean that he couldn't be the guy doing stuff. So why not have it set up for someone else to take over the Joker's plan. It's reasonable and consistent with the character as presented to believe that he would have seen this coming. Don't make this a revenge movie where his girlfriend takes up his mantle, make this a logical extension of the last film.
Okay, why it's awesome. Because it keeps things consistent, because it lets you play with the themes you wanted to play with, because its unexpected!!! But beyond that, two more good reasons. 1 - It would automatically represent a great female character for Nolan, who has been accused of not having too many of those. 2 - It would avoid the cliches of every other major villain you could think of. I love this idea. I hope that this is actually what's happening even though I'm sure it's not. Nolan, it isn't too late! Make this happen!

4.) Zach Galifianakis gets my dream job - He's going to play with Muppets. We don't know the role, some have speculated he'll just be a voice. We don't know how big that role will be, but he's only going to be involved for a few days of shooting according to rumors. All I know is that his sense of humor is so completely perfect for the off-kilter universe of Muppets that it makes my heart almost as happy as this:

Between Two Ferns with Zach Galifianakis: Sean Penn from Between Two Ferns

If this was a daily segment it would be the best part of every day. Anyway, Zacky-G is going to chill with the fuzzy folks. All is right with the world.

5.) Trailers, Parked - Two weird ones for you this week. First up is Rare Exports, a movie that involves a creepy take on Santa. It isn't your goofy slasher Santa movie, but a dark comedic/serious take on the origins of the child judger. Lord does this intrigue me.


Brother's Justice is another mockumentary, and I'm pretty much over them. It looks kind of funny, and I like the folks involved, I just can't really get all that jazzed over anything that looks like this anymore. Oh, I'll probably see it, but I ain't all tingly about it.


Okay, that's it gang. Hopefully a weird week means a great weekend, so let's hook up tomorrow to talk weekend plans. Have a great Thursday.

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Actual Bat information

I gotta hurry, as everyone with fingers, access to the Internet, and a love of Batman (so, all middle class white dudes) are typing furiously in an effort to finish in fifth or sixth place in the race to bring you the first real, tangible news from the mouth of Christopher Nolan.

First, the really shocking part.
You never bought Rachel Dawes did you? I mean, sure Batman got all blubbery when she went kablooey, but have YOU seen a mainstream, big-budget movie where the hero didn't shag the lead actress? Neither Katie Holmes nor Maggie Gyllenhaal took a ride on the bat pole, and that whole business about those models Bruce Wayne bought to come with him but then never appeared interested in, can you say "the best beards money can buy." Yes, the third Batman film will be a musical titled The Dark Knight Gets His; it will feature Robin, who will earn his boy wonder title, and the villain will be the group behind Proposition 8. As much as I'm kidding, I now want someone to actually make this as a viral video for the Eliminate H8 campaign. Speaking of which, how have we not gotten an update about the fast-tracking of that Prop 8 case in California. Sorry, waaaaay off topic now.

Obviously, Nolan is not brave enough to allow Batman to affirm who we all know he really is. No, the big jaw-droppers that Nolan unleashed were these: The film is called The Dark Knight Rises (which still could feature the plot I mention above), and The Riddler...is NOT the father. Sorry, too much Maury. Is NOT the villain. This (A) lends credence to Mark Millar's rambling lies regarding Killer Croc as the villain (and the role that Tom Hardy was cast in), and that fact (B) is going to make me reconsider bumping Millar down on my master list of lying liars.

Nolan also issued the cryptic utterance that "We'll use many of the same characters we have all along, and we'll be introducing some new ones." Does this mean Two-Face is back? I doubt it. I think Tom Hardy is the villain, and God help me I think he's Killer Croc. I suppose Two-Face could still come back and tie the whole thing together, but I kind of like one idea that was tossed out there and somewhat dismissed. I kind of like the idea of Harley Quinn.

I know, I know. She's always been thought of as the Joker's raunchy sidekick, but what if...what if the best way to get close to the original plan that Nolan had for the return of the Joker is to treat Harley as the reincarnation of that character. To have her so inspired by what he did that she takes over for him. Basically, make her the female Joker. Cast Marion Cotillard in it, who we know has talent, and let the original plan still occur.

This probably won't happen. We WILL get a new female character, and it will probably be the Catwoman. Yawn. But think about how cool that other idea is for a minute. Anyway, there's your first real groundbreaking news: No Riddler. Title is The Dark Knight Rises. Thanks to Hero Complex for giving us non-lies.

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