Friday, August 14, 2009

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Hey, you. Yeah, you! I need you to see District 9 this weekend. Oh, come on, what have you done for me lately? Oh, yeah, sure...that...but still, I think you owe me. Look, this isn't just for me, okay, it's for you. I'm trying to help YOU here. Oh, don't be like that, baby. You know that I love you! I want this for both of us, so that we can collectively share in the glory. This is going to bring us closer together, I can feel it. Sounds good? Okay, I'm also going to need you to bring a bunch of your friends as well. WHAT?! I said YOUR friends, I thought you'd be excited! No, it won't be weird, it will be awesome. There will be like 10 of us just yelling and cheering and crying. Oh, God, and when that one thing happens, I think everybody will be sick. Hey, where are you going? I hope to District 9!

Here's how I see the box office (requisite Haiku style, bitches):

1.) District 9 - $32 million

Grown-up sci fi RULES!
I can't wait to go again!

2.) GI Joe: Rise of Cobra - $21 million

People split on this.
Some say it is goofy fun.
Others say it sucks.

3.) The Time Traveler's Wife - $18 million

I love you, Rachel.
It's okay, my wife does too.
Is that weird for you?

4.) Julie and Julia - $13 million

Poor Amy Adams.
She's stuck with the boring half.
Damn you to hell, Streep!

5.) Bandslam - $8 million

This is Twilight's fault.
The new trailer is attached.
So it will make bank.

WILDCARD - The Goods - $7 million

Piven is the lead.
Piven can't lead worth a shit.
Yeah, I just said that.

Okay, that's it gang. Have a great weekend!

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why you got to be so mean to Piven?

August 14, 2009  
Blogger Ryan said...

Have you seen him? Plus, he wussed out on a broadway production because he had "mercury poisoning from sushi." If that's an excuse, he's a jerk for bailing. If it's real, he has the immune system of a guppy. Plus, I hate his stupid face.

August 14, 2009  

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