Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be back at some point with my Due Date review. It was...okay. That's all. It's going to do CRAZY business that first week, that's for damn sure, as my MIDNIGHT SHOWING was pretty much sold out. People love this kind of broad-based, mass-appealing, semi-raunchy comedy these days. It won't be number one because Megamind gets the families, but it's going to be strong, mark my words. As for that latter film, I will also file that one under "meh." Wake me when Dreamworks designs a different looking character. They all look the same. Anyway, onward and upward to some Box Office Haikus!

Here's how I see the weekend:

1.) Megamind - $60 million

The voices are great.
The animation? It ain't.
The verdict is meh.

2.) Due Date - $33 million

Galifianakis.
One name is a haiku line.
Just thought I'd mention.

3.) For Colored Girls - $22 million

It's Tyler Perry!
Directing, but not his script.
No name in title!!!!

4.) Saw 3D - $7.5 million

A one-week wonder,
this franchise now goes away.
Right? IT PROMISED US!!!

5.) Red - $7 million

Keep it up now, Bruce.
That sounded rather dirty.
I meant it that way.

WILDCARD - Paranormal Activity 2 - $7 million

Longer legs than Saw.
But that's because Saw sucks ass.
My last Saw joke? Please!!!!

Okay, that's it until I return with a review for your faces. Enjoy your weekends!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'm just going to get right to it because I really don't have that many deep thoughts this weekend. One crappy new movie comes out, that will be number one. Other than that, you enjoy the last nice weekend of weather, have yourself some trick-or-treating shenanigans, and generally frolic and be merry. K?

Here's the box office prediction haikus all the kids love these days.

1.) Saw 3D - $26 million

This is the sixth Saw.
So why not call it Saw 6?
Those guys can't count good.

2.) Paranormal Activity 2 - $20 million

Look! Now you see it,
now you don't...or now you won't.
In which case, nice call.

3.) Jackass 3D - $9 million

One day, we'll look back
and we'll ask why everything
was in damn 3D.

4.) Red - $9 million

Old people need love,
or at least movies to see.
That explains this one.

5.) Hereafter - $8 million

This one is scary.
Not in terms of on-screen stuff,
just scary boring.

WILDCARD - The Social Network - $6 million

Soon this will be gone,
but it's legacy remains!
See you Oscar night!

That's it. You have a blast this weekend. Figuratively, no more explosives for you.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This week needs to end so I can start over. I need a clean slate and a clear head going forward. I doubt I'll get either, but it's nice to want things. This weekend is full of revenge, both in Red and with the Big Red taking vengeance upon the Longhorns of Texas for their bullcrap win last year in college football. It's also full of nut shots, hopefully for the jackasses of Jackass and the jackasses of Austin. I'm tired, you're tired, it's been a terrible week, let's just do this thing, k?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) Jackass 3D - $28 million

Nothing is timeless,
quite like the classic nut shot.
It's always a hit.

2.) Red - $17 million

Bruce Willis is back!
But not the baddest ass here.
That's Helen Mirren.

3.) The Social Network - $11 million

This is a huge hit.
It is now worth a hundreth
of what Facebook is.

4.) Life As We Know It - $8 million

No one likes Heigl.
No one has heard of Duhamel.
So why is this here?

5.) Secretariat - $8 million

Wow did I hate this.
There is nothing good in it.
I am not kidding.

Okay, that's all I got this week. I'll try to do better next week, but I make no promises.

Kisses.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Okay gang. We're almost at that point where we part until I'm finished with my Social Network review (spoiler alert: I press the like button). But before we separate, we must consider the dollars and cents about to be parted with by movie goers. The movie we once mocked in concept form ("A movie about Facebook...yeah, like that'll be good") is now set to hit the tops of the box office, riding the wave of critical buzz and the curly hair of Jesse Eisenberg and Justin Timberlake...seriously, them boys got CURLZ...with a Z yo. Less popular will be the American remake of Let the Right One In, which people who loved the original loathe for existing and people who never heard of the original have no real interest in seeing. So, much like people who spend too much time at the gym, this weekend is pretty simple.

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) The Social Network - $25 million

Much as with Facebook:
I like it, but how is it
that this makes money?

2.) Let Me In - $10 million

Why remake a gem?
Because folks hate subtitles.
"Readin' is like work!"

3.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $10 million

Money never sleeps
that's why my cash is tired.
I'll be here all week.

4.) The Town - $9.5 million

Ben's flick keeps rolling,
he's now the hot director...
and has a hot wife.

5.) Legend of the Guardians - $9 million

Who went to see this?
Get it? Because owls say "who!"
Yep, still here all week.

WILDCARD - Easy A - $8 million

Good for Emma Stone!
She may soon meet with Spidey!
I wish I was there.

Okay, that's it! I'll be back later with my review!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

We have ourselves a box office battle this weekend for the top spot. In one corner: Talking owls with armored razors on their claws. In the other: Shia "The Boof" LeBeouf" and nostalgia. It's anyone's game at this point, with The Boofster having a slight edge on the grounds of him really wanting success outside of the giant robots and Megan Fox booby umbrella...ella...ella. I'm now going to get tons of hits from people looking for a Megan Fox Booby Umbrella...I should make one. Anyway, there are some other movies coming out this weekend, but not like last weekend, which was a glorious return to quality, however brief. Let's take a peek at what this weekend holds, haiku style!

1.) Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps - $23 million

Gordon Gekko lives!
But now he faces The Boof.
You don't cross The Boof.

2.) Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole - $20 million

Talking owls that fight.
Is this movie for children?
Or just drug users?

3.) The Town - $15 million

You keep rolling, Ben.
I hope this does mega jack!
Suck on that, J-Lo!!

4.) You Again - $12 million

No more Betty White.
I think we have had enough.
Why does this exist?

5.) Easy A - $9 million

This deserves better.
The funniest film out there.
Do you hate to laugh?

No wildcard AGAIN this week, I feel that good about it. Okay, I'm going to spend my weekend thinking of the forensics team who I should be with but am not, cleaning out a giant messy garage, and sleeping. Lots of sleeping. Hope yours is as jam packed with goodness, and I'll catch you Monday.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Eat it up, Ben!

It's your world right now, you detachable-jawed, married-above-your-paygrade dude. I love you. I always have. Now the world gets to love you too because after Gone Baby Gone and now The Town, nobody can deny you got chops, boy. This weekend is going to be awesome for you, hopefully for me too, but mostly for you. Enjoy what should be the number one movie and your wife. ALWAYS enjoy your wife.

Here's how I see the box office, haiku style:

1.) The Town - $17 million

Ben Affleck kicks ass.
I have said that for years now.
Now everyone knows!!!

2.) Easy A - $14 million

Emma Stone kicks ass.
I have loved her since day one.
Now everyone does!!!

3.) Devil - $12 million

M Night kicks no ass.
I hate him quite a bit now.
Everyone agrees.

4.) Resident Evil Afterlife - $10 million

Some zombies bite ass.
I used to love them a lot.
Now they're just okay.

5.) Alpha and Omega - $8 million

This is about wolves.
Few people really love wolves.
Their T-shirts tell you.

That's it. No wildcard needed today, I'm that ballsy and confident. Have a great early fall weekend. Enjoy football, go Bears (ahem, please God, keep the momentum of barely winning going).

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Box Office Results: Congrats, America. Now we get Resident Evil 5

Milla Jovovich, who is too pretty and interesting to spend her life torturing us like this, has confirmed that after this week's bonanza at the box office, we can look forward to a fifth Resident Evil! YAAAAAY for crap! Maybe the next one will be in 4D, the dimension in which we are actually inside Milla Jovovich's head!!! Also, some people are still watching Takers. Stop that.

Here's how the weekend went, haiku style:

1.) Resident Evil Afterlife - $28 million (Accuracy of prediction - 94.5%)

Dear Miss Jovovich,
you sure are very pretty
but I fear that's all.

2.) Takers - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

They sure are taking,
they now have all your moneys,
and they have my soul.

3.) The American - $6 million (Accuracy of prediction - 86%)

George Clooney is rad
but this slow movie is not.
Sorry to Ebert.

4.) Machete - $4 million (Accuracy of prediction - 90.5%)

Who would have thought it?
Co-stars Lohan and Seagal
are not guarantees.

5.) Going the Distance - $3.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

Uh oh, don't look now.
Barrymore is bad again.
Letterman flash time!!!

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91.5%

Much like the Bears game,
I don't like how this ended,
but I will TAKE IT!!!

Okay, that's it, happy Monday to ya. Now go to work.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Thoughts:

1.) Some NFL guys are predicting games in Haiku form. I am now going to have to enlist my brother-in-law to sue them.

2.) People will apparently see movies whether or not I write poems about what is coming out that week. I just hope they enjoyed them less.

3.) September is reserved for football to the degree that they may as well not release ANYTHING in the theaters. It's scary out there.

4.) I can't believe how much Roger Ebert liked/is defending The American. He is actually insisting that people who don't like it (A) are idiots not used to seeing intelligent films and (B) are disparaging it because it was slow. I'll give him B, but A is just wrong. I think that Ebert got duped by the film, which was made to emulate something more compelling. A wafer-thin character with stereotypical "assassin baggage" of "I feel bad about the bad things I done" who falls for a hooker with a heart of gold while slowly putting together a rifle is not compelling. You don't have to have compelling plot twists (it doesn't), but you DO have to make me care about something in the film. I could go on and on, but the point is this: If I were to review it again, I'd actually give it a LOWER score, and not because it's slow, but because it's not very good.

5.) I'm ready to make my predictions.

Here is how I see the box office, Haiku style:

1.) Resident Evil: Afterlife - $25 million

Zombie heads go boom.
Now in all three dimensions!
So, you know, there's that.

2.) The American - $6.5 million

No, Roger Ebert,
this is not a good movie.
I love you, but no.

3.) Takers - $5.5 million

This is still out there?
I can't still talk about this!
PLEASE! It stars Chris Brown!!!

4.) Machete - $5 million

Lindsay Lohan's boobs
and copious violence
still can't save this one.

5.) The Expendables - $4.5 million

Stallone is back, folks.
Whether we like it or not.
I am thinking not.

WILDCARD - Going the Distance - $3.5 million

It's not the distance
I'd worry about going,
it's the direction.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend! See you Monday!

GO BEARS!!!!

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Weekend Box Office Results: Why did you go see Takers?

I apologize for the slipshod bloggery today. I'm not on my game. Things are just whacked out and bizarre today, so I'm not on it. I wish I was. I'm just going to shuffle along and get through today if you don't mind. I promise to do better tomorrow.

Here's the box office results, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 87%)

A horror triumph
in terms of the box office.
Not in quality.

2.) Takers - $21 million (Accuracy of prediction - 79%)

I can't believe this.
What is wrong with all of you?
How did this do well?

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

This is a big hit.
$100 million for sure.
A sequel will come.

4.) Eat Pray Love- $7 million (Accuracy of prediction - 100%)

It has been eaten.
Prayers have been asked and answered.
But did you love it?

5.) The Other Guys - $6.5 million (Accuracy of prediction - 91%)

Wahlberg is funny.
The only question really:
does he mean to be?

Overall accuracy of prediction - 91%

Not a bad weekend.
Provided you did not see
the movie Takers.

Again, I apologize for the haphazard, ramshackle approach today. I'll be more on point tomorrow. Maybe.

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Fearless, flawless box office predictions

Don't go to the movies this weekend. I mean it. There's just no reason to. It's the end of summer, there's still nice weather out there. If it's not too hot, get out there in the sun and do something fun because this week's releases put the oops in poops. There's no reason to see a shitty horror movie that isn't even trying. There's no reason to consider a film with a rapper (T.I.), Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen), and the lesser of the actors in The Fast and the Furious (Paul Walker). Just don't do it. Come on, gang, spend some time with your families actually talking. Just a suggestion.

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style:

1.) The Last Exorcism - $15.5 million

Are you serious?
Do you promise this is it?
You'd best mean "The Last."

2.) Takers - $10 million

I say take it back.
Even the poster looks dumb.
All the actors suck.

3.) The Expendables - $9.5 million

This is a big hit.
I could not have been more wrong.
But are you surprised?

4.) Eat Pray Love - $7 million

No competition.
Women only get one film.
So, hope you like it.

5.) Avatar Special Edition - $6 million

OH MY GOD IT'S BACK.
It's like I'm in a nightmare.
A blue, nude nightmare.

WILDCARD - The Other Guys - $5.5 million

This is still going?
Who could have thought it would be?
Mark Wahlberg. That's who.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend. I'm going to try and get even more crap done. It's my life these days.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

It's a smorgasbord of crap this week! An all-you-can-eat buffet of mediocrity and absolute swill! Hooray! The real question is, will a holdover from last week win or will a new crap-tender rise to the top of the trash heap? It's so thrilling I can barely bring myself to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Oh, sorry, dozed off. Let's just get this over with, right?

Here's how I see the weekend, haiku style!

1.) The Expendables - $15 million

Sly does it again!
Uh oh...Expendables 2?
This shit just got real.

2.) Piranha 3D - $14 million

Horror in 3D?
Sure. But throw in 3D boobs?
Now everyone wins.

3.) Eat Pray Love - $13.5 million

This should keep rolling,
as there's no direct challenge.
Ladies still love it.

4.) Vampires Suck - $13 million

I agree with this,
but only on the title.
Parodies are hard.

5.) Nanny McPhee Returns - $12 million

A hit overseas,
it's the sequel no one needs.
So...it's a sequel.

WILDCARD - Lottery Ticket - $10 million

This film stars Bow Wow.
Do I need to keep going?
I really hope not.

Okay, that's it. Have a great weekend and see you on Monday!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Alright, as per Friday usual, I'm slow-cooking a review that will post for your consumption of its deliciousness later this afternoon. In the meanwhiles, howsabout we talk a little about how much I think everyone is overpredicting The Expendables. The bad guy is Eric Roberts. Let that sink into your brain noodles a bit: ERIC ROBERTS. I know you've got a bunch of people who collectively represent the finest in steroids and fake face punching, but really, none of these men have had a hit in years (if ever). So...why is it we think that putting all of them together is going to be a massive success? I joked about this film for years (still am), but in reality I don't think the R-rated, dumb-action flick is going to reach in and grab the audience it thinks. I'm calling this (and I'll probably eat crow...or Sly's malformed fist for saying it): I think it's going to underperform. Most places have it in the high 20s or low 30s, I'm saying low to mid 20s tops.

As far as the counter-programming, Eat Pray Love will find its audience. They will be loyal to the order of what Julie and Julia did, delivering numerous weeks of solid performance. It may seem unremarkable but it will do well and I wish it the best because I like Julia Roberts and her teeth. The other new opening is Scott Pilgrim vs the World, which I will have more to say about later. It is unquestionably, undeniably the most over-praised movie I have ever read internet reviews of, with younger online critics pooping their cyber pants over it, calling it a "game changer" or something we'll look back on in a decade as a defining moment. Nope. Inception? Yes. THAT was a game changer. Scott Pilgrim is a fun, hyper-energetic, zeitgeist-grabbing ride that I thoroughly enjoyed and everyone should see. I liked it a lot. But it isn't even the best movie I've seen this summer. Anyway, don't let that dampen your enthusiasm for a film I highly recommend, just be prepared that if you're someone who has read the reviews online, you're not going to have angels massage your shoulders while you watch it.

Here's how I see the box office going this week, haiku style of course:

1.) The Expendables - $24 million

Of all the big names,
the posters leave out one man:
Eric Roberts, bitch.

2.) Eat Pray Love - $21 million

I hope this does well.
My wife just adored the book.
I want her happy.

3.) The Other Guys - $16 million

How is this a hit?
I mean, it's not bad and all,
but it's not a hit.

4.) Scott Pilgrim vs the World - $15.5 million

I'm done with Cera.
His schtick is just grating now.
Even with sword fights.

5.) Inception - $12 million

The end is nearing.
I will miss you so, so much.
I will keep dreaming.

Okay, that's it for now lovers. I'll be back later with some Pilgrim action for your asses.

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Woo hoo! If we're doing prediction haikus, we must be at the end of the week's bloggery! Huzzah! This week's box office doesn't really inspire much fanfare, as Inception finally sulks away from number one, albeit with tons more money than most people (including myself) thought was possible. In it's place comes a Will Ferrell comedy. Oh, the days when that used to mean something. If my guess is right, this will have a nice opening weekend and then disappear. If I were Ferrell, I would be INSISTENT upon Anchorman 2. His career needs it more than anyone else's in that film. I mean, Carrell is a bonafide box office draw now after Date Night and Dinner For Schmucks in the same year, Rudd can continue to make mildly funny rom-coms in which he's the straight man to some wacky other character until the cows come home, and Christina Applegate is available...like, really available. So, make that happen. I imagine that almost all of you will be out seeing Step Up 3D this weekend. Feel free to not mention that to me ever. I kid. But really don't tell me about it if you see it, I want to think better of you. Okay, enough already, let's predict!

1.) The Other Guys - $28 million

Will Ferrell was king
or at least the head jester.
Now he makes this stuff.

2.) Step Up 3D - $21 million

Does this way suck less?
If you see 3D booties,
is the movie good?

3.) Inception - $17 million

You keep going, you.
I may squeeze one more screening.
God I love this flick.

4.) Dinner for Schmucks - $12.5 million

They should know better.
Other Guys is targeting
the same demo. Duh.

5.) Salt - $10 million

Quite respectable.
Not particularly great,
but respectable.

WILDCARD - Despicable Me - $9.5 million

A nice little run.
Actually, not so little.
$200 million!

Okay, that's it for today. Be good. Be productive. Be lazy this weekend!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Hey beautiful blog puppeteers. You really pull my strings, you know that? I've crossed my needed payment threshold early because of you sweet, sweet ad clicking nuggets of joy. Combine that with this being a Friday, a payday Friday at that, and the fact that it's poised to be a very productive finish to the week for me, and you get the rarest of all sightings: A Ryan Syrek good mood. Howsabout them apples? Oh, sure, I'm tired, but I'm also about to predict that Inception will hold over for the third week as number one. I don't think I have ever been more proud of the American movie-going public as I have been these past few weeks. You're talking about Inception, analyzing it, recommending it, seeing it twice...and it's paying off. I promise you that right now, between this and District 9, studios are suddenly looking for the right combination of artistry and originality instead of only looking for remakes. Oh, they'll still do those like crazy, but this really has ushered in a huge change I think. I love you all so much. I'm about to make some predictions and then peace out on y'all since it's Friday and you have better things to do.

Here are the haikus for this week:

1.) Inception - $28 million

This has brought me joy.
Box office domination
is finally sweet.

2.) Dinner for Schmucks - $25 million

I love you, Paul Rudd.
And I don't care who knows it.
No one tell Abbie.

3.) Salt - $18 million

This should hold quite well.
I should say it will "preserve."
Tell me you get that.

4.) Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore - $17 million

This isn't real, right?
I am imagining this.
This should not exist.

5.) Despicable Me - $15 million

Despicable what?
This thing just keeps making cash.
Have respect for that.

WILDCARD - Charlie St. Cloud - $15 million

Dead kids are freaky.
They are almost as creepy
as pale Zack Efron.

Okay, that's it gang, have a slam-bang weekend for me, okay?

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

As you know by now, I'm praying with every fiber of faith that Inception will retain its hold over humanity and continue pummeling the box office like a prize fighter in his prime. Help the film do that. See it if you haven't and see it again if you have. That's an order soldier. I'll be back later with a review of Salt, but the basics of that are this: If you wanna see it, that's cool. You'll think it's okay. It is. It's not great, but it's okay enough. That's my in-depth analysis at this point, it's all I have to give on this Friday. Now, quickly, to the haikus before I tire completely.

1.) Inception - $40 million

I know this is high,
but so are my hopes and my dreams.
Make this a huge hit!!!!

2.) Salt - $30 million

Angie kicks some ass,
but let's just be honest here,
hers is too skinny.

3.) Despicable Me - $18 million

Still the best option
for families that have seen
Toy Story enough.

4.) Ramona and Beezus - $8 million

I remember this!
I read some Ramona books!
I'm still a tough guy!!!!

5.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $8 million

Poor Nicholas Cage
dressing up like he did here,
only for a flop.

WILDCARD: Toy Story 3 - $7.5 million

All things someday end.
This is the end of the road
for a great movie!

Okay, that's it for now. Back with a review later. Must run!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

This weekend, I am begging you to make Inception a big, fat, nasty hit. I mean like really freak the studios out with how much you are willing to spend to see an original, unique American movie that is totally inspired and thrilling. Buy tickets for friends, see it 7 times in a row, set records for this thing so that everyone realizes we can and will support the crap out of good, quality material. I could give a wet sparrow fart if you choose to see The Sorcerer's Apprentice but BY GOD get thee to Inception so many times that your wallet hurts from opening it too often.

Now, onto my predictions for Inception's success. Here's how I see the box office, haiku style.

1.) Inception - $75 million

This number is huge
for what is an art movie
disguised as action.

2.) Despicable Me - $35 million

People love this flick,
mostly for the yellow dudes.
That's just fine by me.

3.) The Sorcerer's Apprentice - $20 million

This is in trouble.
They are giving FREE tickets.
That is not a joke.

4.) Twilight: Eclipse - $15 million

Hey, stupid vampires,
you can't hang in the summer.
Now, leave my top 5.

5.) Toy Story 3 - $15 million

I still love Pixar,
no matter what others say.
A damn fine sequel.

WILDCARD - Predators - $14 million

It looks like a flop,
but thanks to a small budget,
it really isn't.

Okay, that's it. I'll be back later with an Inception review to knock your socks off of your ass. Wait...

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Like I said, I'm outtie like a belly button technically, but through the magic of technology I am posting this today (Friday) even though I wrote it yesterday. It's magicalicious! This week brings us Steve Carrell in animated form using all 3 dimensions, the second weekend of the murderous Twilight: Eclipse, and Predators, which features Adrien Brody and his rippling muscles (for realz). Who will win this epic three-way? Wait, that didn't come out right.

Here's how I see it, haiku style:

1.) Despicable Me - $40 million

This is my hero.
Why? Because it will keep out
Twilight from first place.

2.) Twilight: Eclipse - $27 million

Suck on second place!
The fan base may be shrinking.
Your time is OVER!!!

3.) Predators - $21 million

I have heard good things.
No, wait, I'm serious here!
I tried, Adrien.

4.) Toy Story 3 - $17 million

Top of Pixar's list.
The other kid's flick will hurt.
You done good there, toys.

5.) The Last Airbender - $16 million

As soon as it came,
it quickly left us alone.
Try harder next time.

No wildcard this week, I feel that good about it. Okay, have a great weekend. I'll miss you all. Honest.

Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

Okay, Friday housekeeping: I'll be back later with a Last Airbender review, but I know you're all taking off early to get your "blowing stuff up for freedom" on. So, be safe this weekend, don't drink and f**king drive, and don't blow your genitals off. That's about the best advice you could give for such a thing.

Oh, and maybe one more, don't see Twilight. I know your girlfriend (or boyfriend) wants you to, but you're better than that. I can allow that the books may be able to be injected with your own imagination enough to make them passable, but there's no way you can listen to Robert Pattinson and Shirtless McTinyNipples for two and a half hours and not lose part of your soul. I'm not exactly advocating that you go see The Last Airbender either. So, maybe go outside or watch Toy Story 3 again? I don't know.

Okay, last thing before we get to this: I'm a flaming liberal, as you can tell by a ton of my jokes. Somewhere along the line it became common thinking that somehow we're less patriotic or supportive of our troops than the other side. That's just not true. I love this country, from our continued commitment philosophically as a nation to beautiful ideals to the continued belief that we can and will rise above any problem at any time. And I love the troops that are far braver than me who do what I could never do in order to make people in this nation and (just as importantly) many others safer. Thank you to the troops, I love you to America, and let's do some box office haikus.

Oh, and these are for grosses from Friday through Sunday, even though Twilight came out Wednesday and Airbender came out Thursday. What ever happened to releasing movies on Friday like normal people?

1.) Twilight: Eclipse - $98 million

This title fits well.
When it comes to eclipses,
you don't look at them.

2.) The Last Airbender - $38 million

STOP WRITING, M. NIGHT!
You are a fine director,
and a shit writer.

3.) Toy Story 3 - $36 million

Kudos to Pixar
for what will be their top flick.
Keep it going, gang!

4.) Grown Ups - $19 million

I have a question.
When it comes to Kevin James,
when is it enough?!?!

5.) Knight and Day - $10.5 million

So sorry, Tommy.
You should listen to me now.
Go play a villain.

WILDCARD - The Karate Kid - $9 million

I would pay to see
Jaden Smith matched up against
the airbender kid.

Okay, that's it! Happy 4th everyone!

Fearless, flawless box office predictions

As per usual these days, I'll be back later with a review of Knight and Day. I would have it done already but I am wayyyy too tired to care right now.

Speaking of Knight and Day, it's going to flop. Not because it's bad, it really isn't, but because it's just a star-driven project that features a star everyone has suspicions about and a star that I'm sick of watching despite being incredibly attractive. You could really flip those descriptions and they work for either actor. As for the other new release of the week, America, I have a favor to ask. Could we NOT make Grown Ups a hit? I mean, could you do that for me? I'd really appreciate it. See, if it does make $100 million, we're going to keep seeing movies with Kevin James, Adam Sandler, David Spade, and Rob Schneider. Chris Rock should go back to standup, but at least he has talent, so I'll leave him out of this rant. The other dudes belong skimming algae off of pools or something. Sandler wouldn't be the funniest friend I have at this point. None of them should be encouraged to continue this kind of tomfoolery. Do not reward them. Oh, and Kevin James is big, but he's not morbidly obese. The jokes about him sinking boats and being a big ole fatty don't work. None of the jokes work. I hate this.

At least there's Toy Story 3 to hold down the fort. Here's how I see this week, haiku style:

1.) Toy Story 3 - $68 million

You go, little toys.
You show them what good looks like.
Destroy the Grown-Ups!

2.) Grown Ups - $37 million

This hurts me real bad.
I want it to do nothing.
It's got ROB SCHNEIDER!!!!

3.) Knight and Day - $19 million

So sad to see this.
Tom Cruise, the movie star, rules.
We only see nuts.

4.) The Karate Kid - $18 million

Keep on kick punching!
This year's biggest surprise hit.
I wish it was good!

5.) The A-Team - $9 million

I will say this much:
Bradley Cooper's a doucheboat.
I so love that term.

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $5 million

See you, Russell Brand.
Go back to doing other business.
Like Katy Perry.

Be back later with a review! Until then, enjoy Friday!!!!

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Fearless, Flawless Box Office Predictions

I'll be back later on today with a Toy Story 3 review, but for now, you just console yourself with some wickedly hilarious haikus. Okay, maybe not wicked hilarious, but you try being funny about Jonah Hex. Actually, that's pretty easy. Speaking of the movie that has yet to convince one critic in America that it doesn't suck the shell off of an egg, it's going to do poorly. Like, "why did this happen to some good people" kind of poorly. Not doing poorly: Toy Story 3, which had a theater absolutely packed at midnight last night. Speaking of that, quick anecdote for you. My friend, Matt, and I went to go see the movie and were SHOCKED to find the theater populated entirely (and I mean ENTIRELY) with people aged 16-22. We were old men. This just in: People aged 16-22 apparently do not know how to appropriately watch a movie in a theater. With one guy making ridiculous noises to get attention, half the audience calling out to one another from ACROSS THE THEATER, a girl who laughed during every sincere moment (I mean LAUGHED too, not giggled), and three quarters of the audience expressing absolute astonishment by the magic of 3D throughout the film, it was easily the worst collective audience I've ever seen a movie with. I won't hold this against Toy Story 3. It was great.

Anyway, here's my predictions for the weekend, haiku style.

1.) Toy Story 3 - $120 million

The best "3" ever?
I'd say it is possible.
Suck on that Eclipse!

2.) The Karate Kid - $32 million

Step one is complete.
Step two involves an album.
Jaden Smith is HERE!

3.) Jonah Hex - $15 million

Megan Fox sucks bad.
She has a Southern accent.
Just think about that.

4.) The A-Team - $14 million

So much for that plan.
There will be no franchise here.
Neeson is soooo pissed.

5.) Shrek Forever After - $7.5 million

Goodbye you booger.
Pixar will kick your booty.
So what else is new?

WILDCARD - Get Him to the Greek - $6.5 million

I think I'll own this.
There's so much funny in it.
Russell Brand is god.

Okay, that's it for now, back later with a review for you!

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