Friday, August 28, 2009

Ryan's Junk Drawer

What has two thumbs and turns in columns late? THIS GUY! Wow, that does not translate without the visual. Lo siento about this being a day late, but on the upside, my junk drawer has stuff in it now. Yesterday, it was just a drawer, an empty, boring drawer with nothing but sadness and ennui inside. Today, it's packed-to-the-motherlovin-gills with useless bits 'o tid. Now, aren't you glad I waited?

Here are the top 5 marginally interesting-but-not-interesting-enough-to-warrant-their-own-post stories of the week

1.) Who is this man, and why does he love dinosaurs - Pixar is sooo beloved. "How beloved are they?" They are so beloved, that we will all stare at this guy's cubicle:

No, not just because he has dreamy eyes and a beard that says both "I may be homeless" and "I'm saving that pizza for later." Because behind him there be dinosaurs...and because he works for Pixar. Now, before you go too far, this man is Greg Dykstra (no relation to Lenny...actually, I have no way of knowing that). He has not directed a movie for Pixar, so it is very likely he's going to be making a short film for them (that's how they roll at the best studio in America...they treat those pre-feature short films like triple A baseball affiliates, warming up their talent for their shot at the big time). No matter what, it looks like this tiny clip of a behind-the-scenes featurette has given us conclusive, dare I say rock-effing-solid proof that Pixar and dinosaurs may meet in a world other than my imagination. I just got the good tummy tingle.

2.) I will stare at this movie - These days, what passes for a comedy concept is as follows: Option 1 - "Hey, what would happen if the guy from Paul Blart turned into a chicken at night?" Option 2 - "Hey, we should make a sequel to Man-Chicken."
Option 3 - "Hey, we should turn Roots into a movie...only we'll make it a comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Renee Zellweger"
That's why I'm excited about The Men Who Stare at Goats, which isn't a Cohen brothers movie, but sure looks like one. I don't have much to say, other than, watch this trailer and tell me you won't see it.



3.) So, this means the White Zombie reunion tour is still off? - If you were sitting there thinking, I sure do like Rob Zombie...well f**k you. I kid, of course, you're entitled to love whoever you want so long as you promise not to want to marry them. Anyhoodle, Variety is reporting that Zombie isn't done with the remake-shenanigans and tomfoolery, as he is going to make a $30-million, R-rated version of The Blob, presumably because the people at the studio are too tired to light their money on fire. Given the groundbreaking special effects work on "The Biggest Loser," there is a chance that the visuals alone will be worth it. That said, there's no reason for this film to exist other than a contractual obligation between all of humanity to duplicate every single work of art before we are wiped off the planet by swine flu or whatever. So, thanks Rob Zombie for agreeing to keep us on pace for extinction!

4.) Here's how this works, you say Rachel Weisz and I agree to see your movie - Alejandro Amenabar is a talented filmmaker who looks like he's ready to take a big step. How big? Like the start of the Dark Ages big. Like giant Roman setpieces and Rachel Weisz in a toga big. Supposedly, Angora is about a woman who tries to reason against religious fanatics who threaten to usher in the Dark Ages. Wait, religious fanaticism that results in backward progress of humanity? A woman who is shouted down for using reason by people with pitchforks and fire? It is a good thing this is in no way applicable to modern life. You know what you never see? A logic fanatic. "I'm going to burn this whole place down in the name of rational thought." Here's the foreign trailer.



5.) We now begin the slow, inevitable march towards District 10 - We all know it's going to happen. You don't make a movie as good or as profitable as District 9 and not have Hollywood hook up a milk machine to the creative teat until the thing runs dry. So, no shock that Neil Blomkamp told Scifiwire that he's begun kicking around ideas. One of which is the inevitable District 10, which would follow the main character of Wikus (somehow) and yet will take place on earth still. There's also the chance that a prequel may be considered, though I think we've explored a lot of those concepts in the shorthand within District 9. Blomkamp doesn't seem to want to take the film off earth, but allow me to offer a bit of advice: The shaky-cam, docu-style of this film was a surprise. It won't be next time. Don't try to repeat the same thing. Go Aliens to your Alien and make a united-but-different movie. Take it off world. Use the budget they'll give you. You have a great voice, now use it! Supposedly, the man of the sci-fi hour will be making another project first. I'm there. Whatever it is. I'm there.

That's it for the junk drawer. Sorry it was late. It will likely happen again.

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