Movie Review: The American

Something really rubbed me wrong about The American. It felt like a movie I was being told I wasn't enjoying because I wasn't smart enough, when really I wasn't enjoying it because it was very boring. I can find enjoyment in small, subtle foreign films with little action provided they do something particularly well. The American just felt boring and weak willed. It felt like it was made by someone who thought they were doing something profound, only they weren't really. That said, man was it pretty to look at, and it's damn hard to actually dislike George Clooney, right?

Here's my take:

Slow Burn Notice
The American hopes you really, really like Clooney

Director Anton Corbijn’s The American is a movie in which George Clooney spends an hour and a half building a gun and around two minutes using one. Sketching a character as detailed as a chalk outline, it is yet another contemplation of a bad man who has done bad things and feels bad about it. Based on Martin Booth’s novel “A Very Private Gentleman,” If you’re unsure how recycled the contents in Rowan Joffe’s script are, say “Hi” to your pals the wise old priest and the hooker with a heart of gold. Thanks to rapturous cinematography and Clooney’s inherent charm, it is a fairly beautiful way to waste 103 minutes of your life.

In the white desert of snow-covered Sweden, we meet our central character (Clooney), who may or may not be named Jack or Edward and is either some kind of spy or assassin. The only clear truth is that he hates interlopers, as he guns down two intruders to the shock of Ingrid (Irina Björklund), who gets a far bigger shock about a minute later. Emulating emotions the audience would later feel, Jack or Edward is angry and stir crazy, so he scampers to Italy to see Pavel (Johan Leysen) whose craggy face and car exhaust voice does not inspire trust.

Jack or Edward is sent to a small village and told to build a rifle for Mathilde (Thekla Reuten), a gorgeous fellow bad-deed-doer. The somber, slow creation of the weapon is sporadically interspliced with somber, slow conversations with Father Benedetto (Paolo Bonacelli) and somber, slow love making with Clara (Violante Placido), building to the somber, slow non-climactic climax.

Clearly meant to represent some measure of purgatory, Corbijn’s lens makes eternity in a semi-silent Italian villa feel more like paradise at times, an eternity one can contemplate fully in the time allotted for Jack or Edward to mope. Likely constrained by the source material, compelling is not the optimal word for a character sketch of a man whose crimes are stale and known to the audience from scene one, whose character insights consist of “he likes butterflies” (complete with butterfly tattoo) and whose love interest emerges from brothel boot knocking.

The only real achievement here was to increase respect for Jim Jarmusch’s befuddling Limits of Control, another semi-mute, glacier-paced flick about a spy/assassin waiting while sipping coffee. That film was whacked-out and ambiguous to the point of being oddly engrossing, The American relies on Clooney holding things together through sheer force of will, which is tough to do when you’re only permitted to glower.

Some will praise the deliberate pace and stoic nature of The American, seeing the title as a sly wink from the creators of what very much feels like a foreign film. If that’s your cup of slow-brewed Italian coffee, then drink up. Those who want more character and pieces in our character pieces are best advised to travel onward, avoiding the limbo built for bad men with multiple names.

Grade = C

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Things that kill you and things that kill me

A dude died after watching Avatar. A 42-year-old Taiwanese man who, admittedly was unhealthy, died from complications of a stroke brought about by "excitement from watching the movie." James Cameron killed a man. My good friend Darren liked the term undouche that I rolled out yesterday, so allow me to continue my fledgling meme. It is much harder for Jimmy C to undouche now that there is blood on his hands. And before you say that you can't really blame him for this, consider that Jimmy C wanted a "game-changer" and to make things more real than ever before. Congrats, Captain D-Bag, you've murdered.

In totally non-related news, Slashfilm noticed a release by Hawaii (that's the state, not a new director you've never heard of named after an island chain) revealed that Alexander Payne's new movie, The Descendents, will feature George Clooney as rumored. He will presumably play the lead character who travels to Hawaii after he finds out his wife was having an affair. She's now in a coma, so he takes his two daughters to go find the douche who was doinking their mom...in Hawaii. I can see this plot description working for all parties involved. Sometimes you read a press release (like, say, Marc Webb getting a 3-picture deal) and you go "huhbuhwha?" Sometimes they make perfect sense. Also, the headline referred to things that kill me. The answer: Doing a story about Hawaii while watching freezing drizzle out the window.

Nebraska didn't need more reasons to love Clooney

Having already set hearts a-twitter by setting foot in Omaha, George Clooney really doesn't need to do anything else to secure his place in the hearts of Nebraskans (especially my wife), aside from those few souls who fear his women-wooing powers and inexplicable salt-and-pepper hair (that can't be real, right...that's a special effect...right?). Still, Clooney is doing his best to increase his Husker love by eyeing the lead in The Descendants, which is not the biography of Michael Jackson's kids but rather the next movie from Omaha's own Alexander Payne. This seems like a good fit tonally, as Clooney is at his best between genres (the man can rock a dramedy). So, the Oscar-winning actor may star in a movie written by an Oscar winner from Omaha. What else does the man have to do to win your love, you center-dwelling citizens of the U.S.? Howsabout hold a puppy?

Boom.

Tragically, Clooney's hair color is only possible because he survives on the tears of adorable puppies. So, shortly after that picture was taken, he began to berate the pup. "You have a wrinkly face," said the actor, "and you likely will not find satisfactory love in this lifetime. Also, we're going to cut your nuts off." He did this until it felt enough shame to fuel his perfect hair for another day. Damn you, CLOOOOOONEEEY!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

What has two thumbs and turns in columns late? THIS GUY! Wow, that does not translate without the visual. Lo siento about this being a day late, but on the upside, my junk drawer has stuff in it now. Yesterday, it was just a drawer, an empty, boring drawer with nothing but sadness and ennui inside. Today, it's packed-to-the-motherlovin-gills with useless bits 'o tid. Now, aren't you glad I waited?

Here are the top 5 marginally interesting-but-not-interesting-enough-to-warrant-their-own-post stories of the week

1.) Who is this man, and why does he love dinosaurs - Pixar is sooo beloved. "How beloved are they?" They are so beloved, that we will all stare at this guy's cubicle:

No, not just because he has dreamy eyes and a beard that says both "I may be homeless" and "I'm saving that pizza for later." Because behind him there be dinosaurs...and because he works for Pixar. Now, before you go too far, this man is Greg Dykstra (no relation to Lenny...actually, I have no way of knowing that). He has not directed a movie for Pixar, so it is very likely he's going to be making a short film for them (that's how they roll at the best studio in America...they treat those pre-feature short films like triple A baseball affiliates, warming up their talent for their shot at the big time). No matter what, it looks like this tiny clip of a behind-the-scenes featurette has given us conclusive, dare I say rock-effing-solid proof that Pixar and dinosaurs may meet in a world other than my imagination. I just got the good tummy tingle.

2.) I will stare at this movie - These days, what passes for a comedy concept is as follows: Option 1 - "Hey, what would happen if the guy from Paul Blart turned into a chicken at night?" Option 2 - "Hey, we should make a sequel to Man-Chicken."
Option 3 - "Hey, we should turn Roots into a movie...only we'll make it a comedy starring Ashton Kutcher and Renee Zellweger"
That's why I'm excited about The Men Who Stare at Goats, which isn't a Cohen brothers movie, but sure looks like one. I don't have much to say, other than, watch this trailer and tell me you won't see it.



3.) So, this means the White Zombie reunion tour is still off? - If you were sitting there thinking, I sure do like Rob Zombie...well f**k you. I kid, of course, you're entitled to love whoever you want so long as you promise not to want to marry them. Anyhoodle, Variety is reporting that Zombie isn't done with the remake-shenanigans and tomfoolery, as he is going to make a $30-million, R-rated version of The Blob, presumably because the people at the studio are too tired to light their money on fire. Given the groundbreaking special effects work on "The Biggest Loser," there is a chance that the visuals alone will be worth it. That said, there's no reason for this film to exist other than a contractual obligation between all of humanity to duplicate every single work of art before we are wiped off the planet by swine flu or whatever. So, thanks Rob Zombie for agreeing to keep us on pace for extinction!

4.) Here's how this works, you say Rachel Weisz and I agree to see your movie - Alejandro Amenabar is a talented filmmaker who looks like he's ready to take a big step. How big? Like the start of the Dark Ages big. Like giant Roman setpieces and Rachel Weisz in a toga big. Supposedly, Angora is about a woman who tries to reason against religious fanatics who threaten to usher in the Dark Ages. Wait, religious fanaticism that results in backward progress of humanity? A woman who is shouted down for using reason by people with pitchforks and fire? It is a good thing this is in no way applicable to modern life. You know what you never see? A logic fanatic. "I'm going to burn this whole place down in the name of rational thought." Here's the foreign trailer.



5.) We now begin the slow, inevitable march towards District 10 - We all know it's going to happen. You don't make a movie as good or as profitable as District 9 and not have Hollywood hook up a milk machine to the creative teat until the thing runs dry. So, no shock that Neil Blomkamp told Scifiwire that he's begun kicking around ideas. One of which is the inevitable District 10, which would follow the main character of Wikus (somehow) and yet will take place on earth still. There's also the chance that a prequel may be considered, though I think we've explored a lot of those concepts in the shorthand within District 9. Blomkamp doesn't seem to want to take the film off earth, but allow me to offer a bit of advice: The shaky-cam, docu-style of this film was a surprise. It won't be next time. Don't try to repeat the same thing. Go Aliens to your Alien and make a united-but-different movie. Take it off world. Use the budget they'll give you. You have a great voice, now use it! Supposedly, the man of the sci-fi hour will be making another project first. I'm there. Whatever it is. I'm there.

That's it for the junk drawer. Sorry it was late. It will likely happen again.