Thursday, September 3, 2009

Lobo is loco

Guy Ritchie, whose freedom from Madonna has also seemingly come with an increased presence in the world of cinema, is about to commit a crime against comicdom...or at least those who have strong feelings about this guy:
Lobo (DC Comics character)
That's Lobo. According to Variety, Ritchie will be helming a PG-13 version of his DC comic. Just so we're clear, a PG-13 Lobo is like having an R-rated "Dora the Explorer," because the only reason Lobo is interesting to anyone is that he's raunchy and vulgar. It makes no GD sense to turn this into a demographic-appealing movie...look at him, you aren't going to have wide appeal for that. Personally, I always found Lobo to be a ridiculous Wolverine rip-off who rides a redonkulous jet ski through space and says stupid shit like "Bastich." Actually, speaking of saying stupid shit, crapmaster Akiva Goldsman (who is involved with this project) got off easy in my post on The Fantastic Four relaunch the other day, so now seems like as good a time as any to mention how much he sucks (if only for my buddy Andrew).

Ahem. AKIVA GOLDSMAN SUCKS SOOOO bad does he suck? He sucks so bad:
  • That when he put nipples on the batsuit in Batman and Robin he instantly nursed from them
  • That Batman Forever was the BEST Batman movie he wrote
  • That when he won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind it instantly was sent into a parallel universe through the wormhole that is his mouth
  • That Akiva is now officially Hebrew for "talentless hack"
  • That his dialogue in Lost in Space was worse than Matthew Perry's acting
Okay, I'm done now. But feel free to try at home.

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