No mo Lobo

Nobody really needed a movie about Lobo, a comic book character created I can only assume on some kind of dare. The one-note figure went around doing dumb shit and saying words like "bastiches," which made people laugh because it sounded like bastards (teeheehee). So, count me one of the many who could care less that LAT’s Hero Complex blog's chat with producer Joel Silver seems to suggest that Guy Ritchie is bailing on Lobo for a return to Sherlock's village. Sherlock has done great business (should cross $200 million domestically and $400 million worldwide shortly) while operating under the shadow of Avatar, which HAD to be taking some of the audience away. With rumors flying that Moriarty will make his nefarious rise in the next flick, and with many rumors suggesting Brad Pitt has been (or will be) offered the plot, bringing Ritchie (who has a relationship with Pitt) back to the film may be a great idea. Since I mentioned Brad Pitt, this is also a good time to point out that I don't care if he and Angelina Jolie have split up or not. Although I applaud her humanitarian work and have sometimes accidentally enjoyed her movies, she seems to be a psychotic who not-so-long-ago used to drink Billy Bob Thornton's blood. Now, if she's paying down international deficits and helping poor people live, I'll forgive her the whole batshit crazy making-out-with-her-brother thing, but I draw the line at giving a squishy tomato about her personal life. Besides, I have a feeling they'll both be fine. Rich and fine. Rich, attractive, and fine. So, moral of the story: Guy Ritchie is likely doing Sherlock Holmes 2: The Case of Watson's Lube, Brad Pitt should play Moriarty because that would effing rule, and we've all forgotten that Angelina Jolie is the lunatic spawn of Jon Voight.

For my friend, Andrew, here's some hate fodder

Devin at Chud.com did a little straight-forward piece on some comments made by screenwriter/producer/Oscar-winner/son-of-a-bitch Akiva Goldsman in the LA Times. This was a harmless gesture by Devin, and led to the inevitable mention of Goldsman's involvement in Batman and Robin, a movie for which Goldsman should have rightly been killed. Devin calls attention to Goldsman's comments on the upcoming Lobo movie, directed by Guy Ritchie, and on Swamp Thing, both of which will unquestionably suck solely because Goldsman is a terrible writer, an awful producer, and likely feasts on the marrow of kitties and on puppy flesh. Don't believe me? Read this following excerpt and ask yourself how hard you'd like to punch the person saying this.

"There's something hyperbolic and authentic about a Guy Ritchie movie. His best movie are deeply, deeply stylized yet they are all grounded; there's a grit of stylization, which sounds like an oxymoron but it makes perfect sense when you've seen his films."

"A grit of stylization?" You're right, Akiva, that does sound like an oxymoron, if oxymoron means "what the f**k are you talking about?" He goes on to mention that they've got the character design of Lobo down, which is good, because I still don't know how you make this look less stupid in real life:

But rest assured, if anyone can do it, it's the guy who wrote Practical Magic. This is why we should be able to count certain movies as war crimes.

Lobo is loco

Guy Ritchie, whose freedom from Madonna has also seemingly come with an increased presence in the world of cinema, is about to commit a crime against comicdom...or at least those who have strong feelings about this guy:

That's Lobo. According to Variety, Ritchie will be helming a PG-13 version of his DC comic. Just so we're clear, a PG-13 Lobo is like having an R-rated "Dora the Explorer," because the only reason Lobo is interesting to anyone is that he's raunchy and vulgar. It makes no GD sense to turn this into a demographic-appealing movie...look at him, you aren't going to have wide appeal for that. Personally, I always found Lobo to be a ridiculous Wolverine rip-off who rides a redonkulous jet ski through space and says stupid shit like "Bastich." Actually, speaking of saying stupid shit, crapmaster Akiva Goldsman (who is involved with this project) got off easy in my post on The Fantastic Four relaunch the other day, so now seems like as good a time as any to mention how much he sucks (if only for my buddy Andrew).

Ahem. AKIVA GOLDSMAN SUCKS SOOOO BAD....how bad does he suck? He sucks so bad:

• That when he put nipples on the batsuit in Batman and Robin he instantly nursed from them
• That Batman Forever was the BEST Batman movie he wrote
• That when he won an Oscar for A Beautiful Mind it instantly was sent into a parallel universe through the wormhole that is his mouth
• That Akiva is now officially Hebrew for "talentless hack"
• That his dialogue in Lost in Space was worse than Matthew Perry's acting
  

Okay, I'm done now. But feel free to try at home.