Thursday, September 24, 2009

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Because I am having a busy week and because the world hath decided that this news week is slow, there is but one post forthcoming today (the one you're reading) and even this contains information that is pretty weak sauce. Look, every day can't be full of winners, okay?

Here's the top 5 stories that didn't even get to be big-boy grown-up posts on a slow-ass news week:

1.) Director of The Fly to remake The Fly? - This doesn't just doesn't. You don't hear news about a remake of a classic film that makes you want to do anything but vomit. The 1986 version of The Fly, which was itself a remake of the 1958 movie with Vincent Price, is being remade. So why is this remake of a remake of a remake interesting? Because David Cronenberg, who directed the 1986 epic of bodily horror, is coming back to direct the new one. Huhbuhwha? Well, shit, that sounds...good? No stupid rumors of 3D effects or some crazy new direction seem to be prompting this, just an acknowledgment from Cronenberg that new technology makes him want to revisit the story...which sounds reasonable. In fact, I give the idea three naked Jeff Goldblums about to transport himself:

2.) The shitty superhero cavalcade of crap! - Have you been patiently waiting for someone, ANYONE, to make a sequel to your favorite superhero movie of all time, Ghost Rider? You have?!!! Well f**k you because it's happening. David Goyer is supposedly in talks to work on Ghost Rider 2, and you know Nic Cage will come back because he'll do anything (seriously, I gave the guy a 10-spot to clean some gun off from beneath a bench in a public park, not because I wanted it clean, but to show him who was boss). Also sitting in the "waiting to suck" pile is news that Fox...sorry F**ks Studios is developing a new Daredevil movie and a new Silver Surfer movie, despite having this happen the last time these characters were on screen:

I forgive Jennifer Garner...because she looks like that, but both she and her future impregnator were both so glaringly miscast and the film was so mundane that I can't imagine how they can make something worse...but this is F**ks Studios we're talking about, so they'll find a way. Also, nobody likes the Silver Surfer. Nobody. If you find someone who's favorite character is the Silver Surfer, you've found someone who probably also likes the taste of lead.

3.) Barbie and He-Man still won't procreate to form the perfect toy - Barbie and He-Man have both found homes, although sadly they won't be shacking up under one roof boffing away to produce the best pile of plastic since 1990s-era Pam Anderson. Barbie is a go at Universal...although I thought they made that movie already and called it Legally Blonde, and He-Man is a go at Columbia, which is great because we shouldn't live in a world where this is the only Orco that ever gets to exist on the screen:

4.) Now that's a title change - I love the beautiful, lyrical, haunting Swedish film Let the Right One In. As you may know, it is being remade for US audiences because many, many people think subtitles are icky. The big rumor of the week (that was shot down) was that Philip Seymour Hoffman was considering a role. The bigger rumor in my opinion is that reports have come in that the film is being retitled from it's original retitle, Let Me In, to Fish Head. That's right, Fish Head. Man, for awhile there I was worried they were going to mess this up. Thankfully, I can put all that concern to rest. Fish Head? Jesus, this is setting a record for how terrible things can go. I want to believe this is a lie. It likely isn't.

5.) Diablo gets it - As I told you yesterday, Diablo Cody is hard at work adapting the "Sweet Valley High" series. Good news abounds, as she confirmed via twitter yesterday that the film will be set in the 1980s. Perfect. Setting it in modern day would be a reach, and since it is really a nostalgia bomb anyway, why not set it where it belongs. Kudos, Diablo! As a prize, you get a naked Jeff Goldblum about to transport himself.

That's the bloggery for today, people. I gots to move it.

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