Because the world needs Nic Cage on Crank

Directors Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor are best known for directing the heart-warming, intellectually deep Crank series. They now have designs on directing Ghost Rider 2, which would bring back Nic Cage. That's the bad news. The good news:


Okay, look, nobody cares about Ghost Rider. He's like the Secretary of the Interior for Marvel Comics. If somehow the people who huffed enough glue and ate enough PCP brownies to be able to conceive of the gloriously vile Crank series are able to inject some modicum of life and fun into the character (like they inject heroin into their eyeballs) then I'm good with that, Nic Cage or no Nic Cage. The problem is, they have to get that action and shenanigans factor really, really high because nobody is going to give a wet sparrow fart about the character. He has a flaming head. Nobody says, "you know who I relate to? That skeleton-headed character who made a deal with the devil and now has a flaming head." What I've always hoped is that one day we'd see the influx of secondary characters who were treated differently than the tentpole movies. What I mean is, I want to see new, exciting, weird takes on characters I don't care about. Also, do you think we'll ever see a superhero created for the big screen? Like, you know, a new idea? Just a question. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to rewatch Nic Cage kick Leelee Sobieski in the sternum again.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Because I am having a busy week and because the world hath decided that this news week is slow, there is but one post forthcoming today (the one you're reading) and even this contains information that is pretty weak sauce. Look, every day can't be full of winners, okay?

Here's the top 5 stories that didn't even get to be big-boy grown-up posts on a slow-ass news week:

1.) Director of The Fly to remake The Fly? - This doesn't happen...it just doesn't. You don't hear news about a remake of a classic film that makes you want to do anything but vomit. The 1986 version of The Fly, which was itself a remake of the 1958 movie with Vincent Price, is being remade. So why is this remake of a remake of a remake interesting? Because David Cronenberg, who directed the 1986 epic of bodily horror, is coming back to direct the new one. Huhbuhwha? Well, shit, that sounds...good? No stupid rumors of 3D effects or some crazy new direction seem to be prompting this, just an acknowledgment from Cronenberg that new technology makes him want to revisit the story...which sounds reasonable. In fact, I give the idea three naked Jeff Goldblums about to transport himself:

2.) The shitty superhero cavalcade of crap! - Have you been patiently waiting for someone, ANYONE, to make a sequel to your favorite superhero movie of all time, Ghost Rider? You have?!!! Well f**k you because it's happening. David Goyer is supposedly in talks to work on Ghost Rider 2, and you know Nic Cage will come back because he'll do anything (seriously, I gave the guy a 10-spot to clean some gun off from beneath a bench in a public park, not because I wanted it clean, but to show him who was boss). Also sitting in the "waiting to suck" pile is news that Fox...sorry F**ks Studios is developing a new Daredevil movie and a new Silver Surfer movie, despite having this happen the last time these characters were on screen:

I forgive Jennifer Garner...because she looks like that, but both she and her future impregnator were both so glaringly miscast and the film was so mundane that I can't imagine how they can make something worse...but this is F**ks Studios we're talking about, so they'll find a way. Also, nobody likes the Silver Surfer. Nobody. If you find someone who's favorite character is the Silver Surfer, you've found someone who probably also likes the taste of lead.

3.) Barbie and He-Man still won't procreate to form the perfect toy - Barbie and He-Man have both found homes, although sadly they won't be shacking up under one roof boffing away to produce the best pile of plastic since 1990s-era Pam Anderson. Barbie is a go at Universal...although I thought they made that movie already and called it Legally Blonde, and He-Man is a go at Columbia, which is great because we shouldn't live in a world where this is the only Orco that ever gets to exist on the screen:

4.) Now that's a title change - I love the beautiful, lyrical, haunting Swedish film Let the Right One In. As you may know, it is being remade for US audiences because many, many people think subtitles are icky. The big rumor of the week (that was shot down) was that Philip Seymour Hoffman was considering a role. The bigger rumor in my opinion is that reports have come in that the film is being retitled from it's original retitle, Let Me In, to Fish Head. That's right, Fish Head. Man, for awhile there I was worried they were going to mess this up. Thankfully, I can put all that concern to rest. Fish Head? Jesus, this is setting a record for how terrible things can go. I want to believe this is a lie. It likely isn't.

5.) Diablo gets it - As I told you yesterday, Diablo Cody is hard at work adapting the "Sweet Valley High" series. Good news abounds, as she confirmed via twitter yesterday that the film will be set in the 1980s. Perfect. Setting it in modern day would be a reach, and since it is really a nostalgia bomb anyway, why not set it where it belongs. Kudos, Diablo! As a prize, you get a naked Jeff Goldblum about to transport himself.

That's the bloggery for today, people. I gots to move it.

Nicholas Cage keeps Green Hornet's streak alive

Has there been a more troubled unlikely-to-be-all-that-popular project in the last two decades than The Green Hornet? I mean, sure, we're all curious as to whether the Jew-fro'd Seth Rogen can possibly pull off a superhero movie that doesn't involve the hero smokin' a little sumthin' sumthin' to get "powers," but still. I won't recap everything but we're talking about a sordid history that originally involved Kevin Smith, the loss of a director and co-stars, and countless delays. Hell, my own attraction to the film has come in fits and starts. First I think, "hey, a movie directed by Steven Chow and starring him as Kato with Rogen as the Hornet would be great." Then Chow is out. Then they brought in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind director Michel Gondry and I was back like an unwanted winkie ulcer. Then they announced Cameron Diaz as the love interest and Nic Cage as the villain and I was out again. Now comes word from THR that Cage is out like a well-dressed musical enthusiast and I'm back baby. Cage dropped out to make more crappy-crap-crap-crap movies, like the upcoming Sorcerer's Apprentice (the live-action version of the Disney movie...nope, not kidding), a sequel to the Harvey Keitel wang exposer Bad Lieutenant, and now the movie he abandoned The Green Hornet for...which is something called The Hungry Rabbit Jumps. This means that we need a new villain for the Hornet (and to get rid of Diaz, but we're likely screwed there). My suggestion: Ryan Gosling. That guy has been MIA lately and I'm worried. Also, to celebrate Cage's departure...it's been too long since we did a little of this:



If he ever acknowledged my existence, Cage and I would have a relationship like Alex Trebeck and Sean Connery.

It's my blog-a-versary, what'd you get me?

Some 365 days ago, in the spot upon which your gaze is fixed right now, I began what some would call a fool's errand: I attempted to use "the Internet" to log my thoughts on "the web," a little practice I decided to call "logwebbing" (somehow the name didn't catch on). Fast forward a year, and I still haven't managed to get The Reader's Web site upgraded (for those keep track at home, we're entering year 5 of my pleading for change from the current Commodore 64-era style), I've made enemies of public radio (see below), I've come up with 25 things to do besides watch Twilight or a new Miley Cyrus movie (also available by scrolling down), and I've put Nic Cage to better use than anyone besides his wife (yeah, you know what's lurking below this paragraph).

Over this year, I've tried to pick up some good habits, lose some bad ones, make movie rumors entertaining, and generally do my best to keep things interesting around these parts. Really, the only thing I regret is that there hasn't been enough discussion on these here posts. I don't know if that's because the janky format I'm locked into is so unweildy that you can't figure out how, if you don't care to do so because I'm more boring than watching a three-hour documentary on the origin of pancake batter, or if you just generally don't care to comment. Still, I would love to know what you would love to see. I'm a pleaser, honest I am, and I would like nothing more than to please you (wow that sounds dirty, I mean, I was shooting for dirty, but still). So, in addition to whatever present you'd like to send me (email me at film@thereader.com for information about where to send the presents...note that the word there is plural), please drop a note or send an email to that address and let me know what you want from me (after you send me a present).

And now, to further celebrate, I humbly present five of my kind-of-favorite things from the last year of Cutting Room (or at least the ones I could remember).

1.) Someone at PRI knows who I am (April, 2009)

Please, Ira Glass, love me as I love you

So, the other night I'm watching "The Colbert Report," and Ira Glass is on, being his usual charming, nebbish self. As planned, he and Colbert proceed to have a discussion (one that produced a great quip from Colbert about how doing a live version of a radio show is "like entering a novel in a baking contest" and a joke about how strapping Garrison Keillor looks...which, come on, we've ALL thought before). After a bit, they began specifically conversing about how "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show but is produced and distributed by Public Radio International. Colbert specifically makes fun of NPR stating "You don't want to be one of those NPR people." In that moment, I realize that despite being listed as one of the programs on the NPR Web site and being heard almost exclusively on NPR channels, "This American Life" is NOT an NPR show. Why does this nuance matter? Because in my review of Examined Life, I refer to "NPR's 'This American Life.'" Oh well, I figure, who's going to notice or care. It's not like I'm going to get a call from an angry Ira Glass (can Ira Glass get angry...if he does get angry, does it sound like other people when they are happy?) and have him ream me for this. Fast forward one whole day from the article's posting on the Internet...and lo and behold, we're contacted by a PRI media watcher who informs us of our gaffe. Now, on the one hand, I feel bad, because Glass seems to imply some kind of NPR vs PRI feud during his interview (two well-educated, socially aware, liberal-leaning organizations enter ONE SHALL LEAVE). On the other, the people from PRI read something I wrote and made a comment on it. Given how much I love "This American Life" and all of the people on it (Dan Savage and Sarah Vowell are idols in my shrines), and other shows from PRI ("Studio 360" and "Whadya Know" in particular), I don't know whether to count this as a loss for having slightly misattributed something or a win because they somewhat in some way know who I am. Either way, it's something to talk about...and on a Friday, I'll take it. So, officially, mea culpa, it is PRI's "This American Life" and I shant forget again.

2.) Airing of Festivus Grievances (December 2008)

Because the number of interesting film tidbits and items are just as slowed by the mind-numbing frigidity of the weather as my will to live, we're going to do things differently today. Instead of dumping movie news chunks on your eyeballs (that sounded way more disgusting than I wanted it to), we're going to editorialize a bit about three irritating subjects. It's the three bitches of Christmas or, to be less religiously divisive, The Festivus "Airing of Grievances."

Grievance One: Sit the Eff Down

Ladies and gentleman, we are gathered here today not to bitch about cell phone use in the theater (if you do this, you are a malignant douche hammer who believes himself to be beyond such concerns as "other people" and the universe will soon dispose of you as one disposes of single use toilet paper). We are not gathered here to bitch about bringing kids too young to sit through a 3-hour violent war opus or sex-soiled horror film (these people will also one day succumb to the universe's TP disposal methods). No, we are here to bitch about the late arrivers, those who think they can still go see the movie they've arrived 20 minutes late for anyway. Now, the fact that you have no disregard whatsoever for your own money is fine by me...although, do consider that missing 20 minutes of a 2-hour movie is basically the equivalent of pouring the neck of the bottle of Canadian Springs whiskey you spent the last few hours drinking onto the street. No, what I'm worried about is the chain of events that your clock-ignoring ass sets into motion. Step 1: You disrupt the entire theater as you either look for your friends who you are meeting (who should not be your friends because they are decent, punctual human beings) or you fumble around letting your eyes adjust while you hunt for the perfect seat in a theater that has been watching a movie for the last 20 minutes. Step 2: This disruption causes annoyance in other theater members (cough, ME, cough), resulting in a distraction from the plot, events, and mood. If we WERE into the movie's world, we are now reminded that we are actually just in a small box with disrespectful subhuman pigmen. Step 3: YOU have missed the opening of the film. Now, whenever a character arrives on screen to do something, you must lean over and go "Who's she?" and "What is she doing?" Step 4: You are bludgeoned to death with a $16 box of Milk Duds. Look, I get running late, but if you miss by more than the length of the previews (give or take a minute), you are too late and should go to another movie or wait for the next show. Period. No exceptions. In fact, this should be a rule for the theater...NAY, it should be a federal mandate that also grants pardon for the inevitable Milk Dud bludgeoning. You've been warned.

Grievance Two: Don't make me hate trailers like God hates trailer parks

We all know that one of the best things about the movies is seeing previews. I mean, sure, we all know that the new Adam Sandler movie is going to suck, but the trailer is good for a laugh. What's that? You have a cool new, end-of-the-world, special effects orgy movie?! After seeing the trailer once, I've already seen you blow your visual wad, so who needs to see the full thing, which is likely crammed with terrible acting by CW stars. Murder mystery? I bet I can figure out the whole thing by the time you're done playing that Dave Matthews Band song! That said, an interesting thing has happened with previews...we're getting more of them...a lot more of them. Last weekend I sat through 9, count them, 9 previews. I wanted to see 8 of those movies, sure, but after the third I was like "just show me the damn Keanu Reeves movie already" and I have never, ever thought that before. Also, I know I've complained before about giving stuff away in the preview, but nobody's going to change that, but can we talk about shortening the length of those bad boys? I mean, a 90-second spot is all it takes to sell me a Lexus or other fine luxury automobile (at least according to the people who thing that wealthy individuals are watching the Bears game and not schtupping some model), isn't 90 seconds all it should take to convince me that, yes, I do want to see Hugh Jackman as Wolverine disemboweling people again? Too much of a good thing is a bad thing sometimes, just ask Hugh Hefner. I love me some trailers, but only for a few minutes. Sounds reasonable, right?

Grievance three: The only thing longer than the movie was your description of how long the movie was

I've said it before and I'll say it again: no, movies shouldn't be 3 hours long unless they are adapting a 10,000 word book or unless 99% of that runtime features a mostly nekkid Rachel McAdams. Still, you don't have to bitch EVERY time about how long the movie is. Here's the thing, they've invented a device called the "Internet." On it, you can see the running time for the movie you are considering watching and then complaining about. What I'm saying is, this should not come as a surprise to you. Thus, when I ask you afterward what you thought, do not say to me "Well, it was long." Really? Really, time master, you think? Yes it was long, but was it good? If you say "it didn't sustain its run time," I at least find you a competent being but "it was long" is not a commentary its a statement of fact. If you're one of those people with the attention span of a fruit fly who can't finish the latest Dean Koontz book because its "too long," maybe you shouldn't be seeing movies that have a run time higher than your IQ. Find something new to complain about! Whine about lighting, or makeup, or dialogue, or plot, or the guy next to you who showed up 20 minutes into the movie, or about how long/plentiful the trailers were. Slip the whining about the length into the middle and we may even stay friends afterwards. You never know!

Well folks, that's my Festivus grievances. If you have your own, I encourage you to leave them. It's very therapeutic.

3.) I hate Twilight soooooo much (November 2008)

And now (just because): 25 Things I'd Rather Do Than See Twilight

1.) Wash my car, not just using a rag and soapy water in 30-degree weather, but with my tongue while wearing only circa-1986 "I heard it through the grapevine" California Raisins underoos.

2.) Watch an all day marathon of "Hannah Montana" without the benefits of hallucinogens or blindness.

3.) Discuss politics with family members, some of whom are among the 13% who think Bush is doing a "totally awesome job."

4.) Make out with Kevin Costner.

5.) Tell people I've made out with Kevin Costner.

6.) Eat clam chowder from the new restaurant "Floyd's Year-Old Milk Product Cafe."

7.) Be forced to make small talk with Ryan Seacrest (sample conversation: "So, hair products then?")

8.) Write an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

9.) Watch an episode of "Two and a Half Men."

10.) Learn to lambada ("the forbidden dance") with a first-degree relative.

11.) Listen to a whole Jessica Simpson song.

12.) Re-categorize my CD collection according to the colors on the album cover.

13.) Publicly defend NASCAR.

14.) Invent a new language consisting only of variations in the tone of armpit farts.

15.) Set foot in a Hot Topic.

16.) Balance the federal budget while Gilbert Gottfried and Carrot Top stand on either side of me telling "jokes."

17.) Watch an all-day marathon of "Sex and the City" with the friends of the people who claim to have friends "just like that."

18.) Transcribe the Koran into Klingon.

19.) Ask Tom Cruise to "convince me that Scientology rules."

20.) Have a conversation lasting more than 20 seconds with any contestant on the following: "The Bachelor," "The Bachelorette," "Rock of Love," "Bang Tila Tequila," "Real Chance at Love," "Charm School," "Flavor of Love," "I Love New York," and "Wipeout."

21.) Explain basic algebra to any Lohan.

22.) Reprogram my car radio to only receive "Hannity" and "Limbaugh."

23.) Get a tattoo of Brett Favre.

24.) Gamble my life savings on a game of Euchre.

25.) Actually read one of the God-forsaken, amateurish books that Twilight was based on and explain to the legion of she-fans why this writing is, in fact, wretched.

4.) I hate Miley Cyrus almost as much as I hate Twilight (July 2009)

25 THINGS I WOULD RATHER DO THAN SEE THE NEXT MILEY CYRUS MOVIE

1. Three words: Wayans. Brothers. Marathon.
2. Write a novel based on each and every Taylor Swift song.
3. Thoroughly test the FDA's expiration date practices on cheese and cheese-related products.
4. Watch Hilary Duff do something other than release her death rattle.
5. Invent hairstyles for back hair (first up: the hind-quarter mullet).
6. Invest my life savings in a line of "According to Jim" merchandise.
7. Become Patient Zero in the upcoming "Hippopotamus Flu" epidemic.
8. Move to Wasilla, Alaska.
9. Invite a few Exes over for "hey, what the hell IS wrong with me?" night.
10. Disprove the theory that I wouldn't last long in a maximum security prison.
11. Family reunion? I'll take three please.
12. Finally meet Bono, only to say "I preferred you better with Cher."
13. Create a new Wii game based on vomit simulation.
14. Go on a three-day C-Span bender without the benefit of hallucinogens.
15. Violently defend with flailing hand gestures and obscenities the position that "Paul Blart is to the modern comedy what Monet was to impressionism."
16. Who's gonna eat that? I'M gonna eat that.
17. Give nothing but old TV guides to people for Christmas.
18. Write strongly worded emails to news media outlets inquiring why they're just sweeping this whole Michael Jackson thing under the rug.
19. Convince Brett Farve he SHOULD play again.
20. Toilet paper? Who needs toilet paper.
21. Tempt the hedge clippers by landscaping nude.
22. Yes, honey, we SHOULD buy three cats.
23. Have a conversation with Michael Bay that doesn't involve making explosion noises with our mouths.
24. Set foot in Texas for reasons other than a second ice age.
25. Turn this blog into a Scientology-based forum titled "The Beasts at the Heart of Space...and So Can YOU!"
    

5.) The best clip on the Internet (September 2008)



Happy b-day bloggites. Hit me up (film@thereader.com), I'll be ready for my presents any time now.

I would pay to see Seth Rogen actually fight Nic Cage

I don't think anybody really knows what the hell is going on with The Green Hornet. Seriously, after years of development, I'm not even sure I can identify the color green. The only theory I have is that the act of making this movie is some kind of performance art designed to make the heads of people like yours truly do the Scanners thing. Oddly enough, I believe this reaction to be the same one people have to this video shown to me via a post by my good friend Dave DeMarco.



Total aside, but my reaction to this footage was five fold: (1) I didn't know the dude who sang Chocolate Rain got his start in gay porn. (2) I'm 99% sure that if you tear off that guy's fake beard, underneath you'll find Nicholas Cage. (3) I will buy whatever beardo is selling. (4) Someone should wake up whoever fell asleep on the keyboard in the background. (5) If anyone has a copy of the screenplay, I ... Read Moreneed it. I want to make sure that the stage direction reads "Man with beard looks like he's orgasmically passing a kidney stone while Urkel develops Asperger's syndrome."

Anyhoo, back to the issue at hand. A brief stroll through the troubled timeline of Green Hornet is like taking a survey of a codependent's relationship history: It's scary, confusing, and you can understand the desire to sleep with most of the people involved. It began with news that Seth Rogen was going to shed the pounds (which he has, presumably using Dr. Leo Spaceman's methamphetamine diet "Do the Meth") and take on the role of the costumed crusader who had some link to The Lone Ranger. Steven Chow, the director of Kung Fu Hustle and earnest goofball, was slated to play Kato. "Ah," said the movie world, "We're getting a comedy." Notsofast my assumption-making reader. Rogen then assured the world that he was making a pseudo-serious film with kick-ass action. Then the film supposedly fell apart. Then Chow decided not to direct (if he ever was). Then they brought in Michael Gondry (because who doesn't think "let's get the guy who did Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind to do a generic superhero movie). Then Chow left. That brings us to the immediate past when two rumors began to be floated like turds in a spacious toilet. First came word that Cameron "No discernible talent" Diaz was thinking about the female love interest role (for a second, you thought she was going to be Kato, didn't you). Now comes word from Variety that Nic "I make Cameron Diaz seem talented" Cage is circling the role of the villain (in the movie, not in life...in life, he's got that part locked up). So, if you're keeping score at home, the movie has no Kato, possibly has Diaz and Cage, and Michael Gondry directing. Oh, and they're supposedly starting the shoot in a month or two. Oh, and the script could, according to Rogen who helped write it, go more serious or more comedic depending who they cast as Kato. Oh, and they're thinking about Dane Cook for Kato (okay, that one I made up). Insanity, Green Hornet be thy name.