Thursday, October 1, 2009

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Folks, I know I bitch often and loudly about it being a "slow news week." The next time I do that, remind me about the nightmare that was the week ending on October 2. It has been slower than Juliette Lewis's character from The Other Sister, slower than a Detroit Lions running back, slower than the hour between 4 and 5 on Fridays at work, slower enough to justify me making repetitive jokes about how slow it is that really aren't funny at all. Wowza. So, without further ado (because making ado about this stuff seems pointless), here's the top 5 stories that couldn't make it into a full blog post on a week that was slower than a one-legged racehorse (sorry, I'm stopping).

1.) Feel the blurry sting of the Green Hornet's costume! - From Splash News (via CHUD...via Slashfilm), I now give to you: The Green Hornet costume (complete with dapper vest and fedora).
Personally, I would have opted for the outfit on the left. Seriously, blow their minds a little and dress a superhero up in nondescript gray T-shirt and hat combined with a pink neckerchief and swine flu mask. Can I just ask why it is that random set person gets a swine flu mask (or dust mask, whatever) and Seth Rogen is forced to stand there with his hands on his hips like he's the sassiest Sally at the party? Just sayin', he's the franchise.

2.) Hugh Jackman has abs (and brains) of steel - As much as I like Hugh Jackman (and, again, that is mathematically 1/100th of the amount my wife likes him), he has to have the shittiest agent in the world. I'm not kidding you, my only guess is that his agent is Jackman's paint chip eating brother who got the gig because Hugh pities him so much. "Oy, oy, oy, mate, you can be my agent, brotha." See, he's Australian, so apparently he talks like that in my mind. As if we needed further proof of his agent's stupidity, Variety is reporting the chest-hair bearer is going to star in Real Steel, which is directed by Shawn Levy, who is the asshole who directed Cheaper By the Dozen, The Pink Panther, and both Night at the Museum movies. I know, how can his next film possibly suck? The movie is about an ex-fighter who becomes a robot boxing promoter (yep, you read that right) and takes a discarded robot to the top while bonding with his 13-year-old son. If this idea were any more revolting, we'd declare it a terrorist.

3.) Apocalypse forthcoming, Uwe Boll makes non-terrible movie - Slashfilm, Film School Rejects, and, among others, have been making the disturbing argument that the latest film from Uwe Boll, director of House of the Dead, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, and many more terrible, terrible movies, may have accidentally made a movie that isn't among the worst in recorded history. This is sad because the one thing that united all of humanity was a general agreement that Boll was the world's worst director. Can't see eye to eye with a political opponent? You both agree Boll is the worst. You and your family can't agree on anything? Wrong-o, you all agree Boll is the worst. Both Israelis and Palestinians hate Uwe Boll. And Fantastic Fest is abuzz that Rampage may not be awful. Nobody is saying it's "good," but just not being awful is enough to cause sadness. Here's the trailer for you to judge for yourself.

4.) Predators apparently has a script? - Latino Review, who I just don't talk about enough despite their awesome, awesome, awesome work, has a video review up at that link talking about the Predators script. Apparently, it's not the worst thing in the world, as it's going to be hard R-rated (at least until the studio effs it up) and has a clear kinship with the original...which is good if you loved the original. I'm not going to say more because they really say it all, but check it out and then poke around their site. They're good folks.

5.) Metropia trailer is nightmare-licious! - I don't have a lot to say about this other than, if you watch it, you'll both want to see the movie and get a new pair of pants. Somewhere between terrifying-for-all-the-wrong-reasons and terrifyingly awesome is Metropia, which I'm pretty sure is going to haunt you for the rest of the day. Enjoy!

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