Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well howdy, partners. Congratulations on surviving another week. I know that you only held on, white-knuckling the whole way, so that you can get here...to see my junk. It's cool, I'm glad you reached down and found a reason to keep on living, even if it's only to see movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post that I package together and cleverly label with a euphemism that implies you'll see my genitals. To each his or her own, is what I say. Because it's not really stealing if you steal from your own facebook posts (I read that in Miss Manors...wait, nope, I made that up), I will summarize my experience in life lately with this quip: "This week was so bad that if it were a TV show, it would be 'According to Jim.' " So, needless to say, I'm glad we've made it this far.

As you know (I hope) by now, we begin the weekly investigation into my junk drawer by looking at the image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, which I think is terrifying for some reason. What we do is I select one item from the drawing, I make up a creepy story about it, and then I laugh. It amuses me. Today's item is the white smoke in the back of the drawer. What George and Carol didn't realize was that their seemingly innocent junk drawer had become home to the Smurgs, the real-life inspiration for the fictional Smurfs. Until their fictional blue cousins, these red creatures who only wear black shirts and no pants have no affinity for the mushrooms. However, they do rock the ganja pretty consistently, leading to the strange white cloud that contains a smell George and Carol can't quite put their finger on but makes them really hungry.

Okay, time to make the donuts. Here's the movie news that's too itty bitty for it's own post:

1.) If this is true...it's the best thing ever - People drop out of movies all the time. It happens. It's always over "scheduling conflicts." That's a publicist term for "one of the parties involved dropped a douchehammer." It's never scheduling conflicts. Sharlto Copely (District 9) dropped out of DJ Caruso's I Am Number 4 (based on the book by that liar who wrote that drug memoir and made Oprah feel bad) due to "scheduling conflicts." So, what's the truth? This is second-hand information, maybe third or fourth-hand by this point actually, but here's what FilmDrunk heard. Apparently, and this is what their source tells them exactly: Sharlto Copley “wanted to wear a prosthetic nose and fake ears like Spock and look like an alien.” Caruso pointed out that major plot points hinged on these aliens looking like people. Neither would give in, so Copely quit. He quit a major motion picture because he wanted to wear Spock ears. That is so fan-flipping-tastic that I don't even have words for it. There's no way to describe the joy it brings me that in the world we live in, people making millions of dollars will walk away from such money because they believe that their character would be best suited if he had a prosthetic nose. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you America.

2.) Okay, maybe THIS is the best thing ever.... - Variety is reporting that I will not be suffering through quite the Evangeline Lilly withdrawal that I thought. This lass so lovely that I find her attractive picking a wedgie with her tongue out, is apparently going to join the also newly-cast Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker) in Real Steel. It's a futuristic robot boxing movie, and yet somehow it already makes more sense to me and sounds more realistic than "Lost." The movie is supposedly a sports movie that just so-happens to involve robots. Hugh Jackman will play an ex-boxer who has a strained relationship with his son; they use the medium of a ridiculous sport to reconnect. Wait, so it's got Evangeline Lilly, fighting robots, and the plot from Over the Top?! This is going to be AWESOME!!!!

3.) But...what do them durn womern know about dem dere comic books? - If you're paying attention, you'll realize that this is sarcasm. Jane Goldman's script for Kick-Ass, which did closely follow the comic book but made some serious deviations at key moments, was arguably my favorite script for a comic book movie ever. Maybe The Dark Knight's was better, but I'm not entirely sure about that, considering a lot of that was in the performance and the whole "Gordan's dead" thing and all of "Two-Face" was weird. So, how do you like them apples: Goldman is reteaming with Matthew Vaughn to write the script for X-Men: First Class (which Vaughn is directing). Goldman also had a hand in Stardust, a terribly underrated gem of a movie. Sadly, Goldman and Vaughn are on a wicked tight schedule...the movie's supposed to come out NEXT YEAR. That's Crazytown, population: THIS FILM. This officially moves my excitement level for this flick from "Well, anything's better than that piss taste Ratner left in our mouths with X-Men 3" to "Someone who showed they know how to write for teenagers writing super-powered teenagers?! Awesome!" I'm more jazzed than the ghost of Bob Fosse.

4.) So, is it pronounced "gay king?" because if so, I'm in - I don't know what a robot Shogun warrior is, but I read a story on Ain’t It Cool News awhile back (that Slashfilm just reminded me of) about Gaiking, which I will pronounce as "Gay King" because I think that rules and there's not enough explicit embracing of the homosexual community by the medium of sci-fi/fantasy despite there being soooo much overlap. Anyway, these dudes were going to make a short film based on this 80s cartoon about robot Shogun warriors (mmm, crazy anime). Anyway, it was going to be included in the updated Heavy Metal movie, but now it's going to be a full film unto itself. Here's a little teaser for what it could look like.

What's apparently cool, is that the film apparently this is more "Voltron" than Transformers, in that as you can see there are human pilots. Supposedly the film has a script and stuff and will be hitting theaters before the Mayan apocalypse in 2012. That'd be swell. You know what's funny? Now that I'm posting this, I honestly don't remember if I already posted it in the past. If I did, just ignore it here. Or enjoy a second go-round with robotic warriors. I don't care. You're not paying for this anyway.

5.) Trailers, Parked - We've got some goodies in the bag this week, including what I think will be one of the biggest launches for one of my favorite hotties. Let's get to it.

I've mentioned that I'm looking forward to Easy A for several reasons, most of them involving aspects of Emma Stone. This trailer is almost totally perfect. I laughed out loud several times, I love the cast, I love the concept, I love everything. It was one Tom Cruise joke and "Poker Face" use away from perfect in my mind. I think this is the next Mean Girls, a smart movie for young ladies that will serve as a launching pad for tons of younger actors. Does it look predictable as far as events go? Yes. Does it have Stanley Tucci defending his daughter's honor by claiming she looks like a high-end stripper "for governors or athletes" Yes.

Easy A

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

The Adjustment Bureau is based on a Philip K Dick short story, so it gets points for that. Also, it gets points for Matt Damon, and I know a few dudes who will totally give a point for Emily Blunt. I think it looks kind of Matrix-y and Inception-y, which is not by any means an insult. Hell, it reminds me most of Dark City, and I think that may be my favorite underrated sci-fi film ever. Give it a watch.


Finally, I ain't gonna lie...I have no idea about Detective Dee. It's a Hong Kong movie that Slashfilm recommended seeing the trailer for. I don't know what they're saying, I don't know what's happening, I don't know anything about. Now, I kind of want to see it. Visuals look goooood huh? Also, it looks weird. I like weird.



Okay, that's it. Now, be good to one another. I'll see you tomorrow!

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Folks, I know I bitch often and loudly about it being a "slow news week." The next time I do that, remind me about the nightmare that was the week ending on October 2. It has been slower than Juliette Lewis's character from The Other Sister, slower than a Detroit Lions running back, slower than the hour between 4 and 5 on Fridays at work, slower enough to justify me making repetitive jokes about how slow it is that really aren't funny at all. Wowza. So, without further ado (because making ado about this stuff seems pointless), here's the top 5 stories that couldn't make it into a full blog post on a week that was slower than a one-legged racehorse (sorry, I'm stopping).

1.) Feel the blurry sting of the Green Hornet's costume! - From Splash News (via CHUD...via Slashfilm), I now give to you: The Green Hornet costume (complete with dapper vest and fedora).

Personally, I would have opted for the outfit on the left. Seriously, blow their minds a little and dress a superhero up in nondescript gray T-shirt and hat combined with a pink neckerchief and swine flu mask. Can I just ask why it is that random set person gets a swine flu mask (or dust mask, whatever) and Seth Rogen is forced to stand there with his hands on his hips like he's the sassiest Sally at the party? Just sayin', he's the franchise.

2.) Hugh Jackman has abs (and brains) of steel - As much as I like Hugh Jackman (and, again, that is mathematically 1/100th of the amount my wife likes him), he has to have the shittiest agent in the world. I'm not kidding you, my only guess is that his agent is Jackman's paint chip eating brother who got the gig because Hugh pities him so much. "Oy, oy, oy, mate, you can be my agent, brotha." See, he's Australian, so apparently he talks like that in my mind. As if we needed further proof of his agent's stupidity, Variety is reporting the chest-hair bearer is going to star in Real Steel, which is directed by Shawn Levy, who is the asshole who directed Cheaper By the Dozen, The Pink Panther, and both Night at the Museum movies. I know, how can his next film possibly suck? The movie is about an ex-fighter who becomes a robot boxing promoter (yep, you read that right) and takes a discarded robot to the top while bonding with his 13-year-old son. If this idea were any more revolting, we'd declare it a terrorist.

3.) Apocalypse forthcoming, Uwe Boll makes non-terrible movie - Slashfilm, Film School Rejects, and Film.com, among others, have been making the disturbing argument that the latest film from Uwe Boll, director of House of the Dead, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, and many more terrible, terrible movies, may have accidentally made a movie that isn't among the worst in recorded history. This is sad because the one thing that united all of humanity was a general agreement that Boll was the world's worst director. Can't see eye to eye with a political opponent? You both agree Boll is the worst. You and your family can't agree on anything? Wrong-o, you all agree Boll is the worst. Both Israelis and Palestinians hate Uwe Boll. And now...now Fantastic Fest is abuzz that Rampage may not be awful. Nobody is saying it's "good," but just not being awful is enough to cause sadness. Here's the trailer for you to judge for yourself.


4.) Predators apparently has a script? - Latino Review, who I just don't talk about enough despite their awesome, awesome, awesome work, has a video review up at that link talking about the Predators script. Apparently, it's not the worst thing in the world, as it's going to be hard R-rated (at least until the studio effs it up) and has a clear kinship with the original...which is good if you loved the original. I'm not going to say more because they really say it all, but check it out and then poke around their site. They're good folks.

5.) Metropia trailer is nightmare-licious! - I don't have a lot to say about this other than, if you watch it, you'll both want to see the movie and get a new pair of pants. Somewhere between terrifying-for-all-the-wrong-reasons and terrifyingly awesome is Metropia, which I'm pretty sure is going to haunt you for the rest of the day. Enjoy!