Cast-a-palooza

It's election day. Obviously, unless you are intentionally hiding it from yourself, you can guess the direction my voting lever pulls. This is a movie blog, and I won't stand up on this soap box and rail on about who you should vote for and why...or even do the whole "I don't care who you vote for, just vote" schpiel because I DO care who you vote for, and if you're going to vote for someone stupid and evil I would, in fact, prefer that you stay home. This is me asking everyone to just do a little thinking, a little objective research, and THEN vote. I truly believe if everyone voted out of reasonable research and not fear, anger, or because they were told to be some media personality, we would be far, far better off. So do that. K?

Now, I mention the election stuff because it set me back a bit. See, I had to vote this morning, which means not starting this blog writing until later, which means I'm running behind. So I had two choices: I could either give you SOME of the casting news explosion today in multiple posts or I could deliver one giant kablooooooey of casting shenanigans all at once. I opted for the kablooey because, hello have you ever met me?

Ladies and gentlemen...start your moderately-interested engines, it's time for CAST-A-PALOOZA!!!! I ask and answer the following questions:

1.) Wolverine may be in X-Men: First Class? - Hugh Jackman took a cab to the set of X-Men: First Class, according to rumors from....someone. There is nothing backing this up, but it's probably true. Why? Because ever since Marvel did that cool Iron Man/Avengers bit at the end, all comic movies (especially Fox copycats) want to do that too. A cameo from Wolverine would fit, Jackman is already preparing for Wolverine 2: Talk to the Claws right now so probably looks like this:
And he's a good guy, a team player, and probably thinks it would be cool. It's a rumor, yes, but I'd like to believe it so I will.

2.) Leonardo DiCaprio is a serial killer? Take that, ladies. The drool-inducer is now going to carve up ladies in Devil in the White City. Not a whole lot of news beyond that, but it's good news. Apparently the giant book that this is based on is really good and DiCaprio hasn't done his obligatory "I'm a famous actor who everybody loves playing against type as a bad guy" role yet. My prediction? His first Oscar. We love to reward people for shit like this.

3.) Tarsem Singh directing Snow White? - Apparently, visionary director Tarsem Singh, who also keeps himself busy composing my nightmares, is going to do the serious, Brothers Grimm version of Snow White, not to be confused with the potential Johnny Depp/Cameron Diaz vehicle that's more goofy and action based. Singh has done some brilliant stuff with more placid, boring material...so the thought of him uncorking on a fairy tale is pretty friggin' great. This is one of those decisions that moves the film from so far off my radar it's not even a blip to OH MY GOD I CANNOT WAIT! Nicely played.

4.) Cameron Crowe wants Scarlett Johansson, Amy Adams, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, or Rachel McAdams? - Just not for the same things I want them for. What? I want them to write haikus for me. What did you think I meant? Apparently one of the following women will be Matt Damon's wife and live in a zoo in We Bought a Zoo, which is the most literal title for a movie since The Dilemma.

She would be a great choice because she loves animals. You can tell by the leopard print.

She would be great to star against Matt Damon because she worked at Hooters. I don't know why that prepares her, but everyone keeps talking about how she used to work at Hooters.

Um, not sure about this one. She was considered for the role of Mary Jane or Gwen Stacy in the Spidey reboot, so being Matt Damon's wife seems a little creepy. Damon's down though.


She deserves the part BECAUSE I SAY SO, OKAY?!

Whoever wins, if this is the actual shortlist, audiences are going to be very happy.

5.) Baz Luhrmann wants Natalie Portman or Keira Knightley? - But not for the same things I want them for. What? I want them to write guest columns on the blog. Jeez, guys, what did you think? Luhrmann is casting his Daisy in The Great Gatsby, which may have Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire in it. He has about 5 names on the list, but you remember how I said I was running behind right? Here's the two that matter, the ones who would do the best job:

She who is rumored for every movie ever: Natalie Portman!!!!

She who only does period pieces: Keira Knightley.

Like I said, there are others, but that's not important right now. I actually think this adaptation could work. Luhrmann is often good (when he's not doing Australia), and the cast seems strong with DiCaprio and Maguire. That's the extent of my thoughts. Gotta run!

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A man machine that isn't Al Gore

First off, thanks to a DVR glitch (thanks Cox, not only does your internet sporadically reset itself so that I have to cycle my router every 2-3 hours WHILE WORKING FROM HOME, but your DVR sometimes decides to record a program from 6:59 pm to 6:59 pm), I JUST watched last week's "Community." I have to say a few words, even though it has NOTHING to do with what I'm about to talk about.

THIS IS THE SMARTEST SHOW ON TELEVISION. Last week's episode, which was nowhere near the funniest or most enjoyable, solidified the fact that it is not just the most clever, creative comedy on TV. Oh no, it's the SMARTEST SHOW on television. Sorry people-who-think-a-show-has-to-be-dour-and-mean-to-women-in-order-to-be-valuable...and sorry "30 Rock," who just got bumped to second place on the smart show big board. Facts are facts, and after watching a brilliant visual essay on post-postmodernism, "Community" is unparalleled. Not only was it a wink-and-nod at how the show has evolved into non-stop wink-and-nodding, but it tackled issues of naval-gazing filmmakers and blasted close-minded religious folks AND hard-headed atheists...before AFFIRMING the power of filmmaking and creating and embracing those committed to religious beliefs and atheists who are just doing what they believe. That's in a 22-minute COMEDY that also had a pretty funny subplot. It also had the two best lines of dialogue on television this year.

In second place: Said in reference to the time it takes to decipher complex meta-meta-meta filmmaking - "I mean, come on Charlie Kaufman, some of us got work in the morning."

In first place: This is just too great. "The Bible has been called the greatest story ever told." "Ben Lyons said the same thing about I Am Legend." - Folks, it DOES NOT get better than that.

Long, long, long, unrelated aside now complete. Watch "Community" or you're dead to me.

Okay, now the news I've come here to tell you. Darren Aronofsky wants to direct a movie about this guy.
Okay, not really. But kind of. See that IS Marvel Comic's Machine Man. And Aronofsky is directing a movie about Machine Man. Just not that Machine Man. Supposedly, the auteur is climbing behind the camera to direct a movie based on a novel that was released a page a day online. It's about a guy who replaces his body parts with metal. It sounds very Chuck Pahlaniuk-meets...well, Darren Aronofsky. It seems like a really good fit. The big issue this morning was that people were kind of confused how that would fit in with his current task of directing Wolverine 2. That was the moment at which most people realized, "Hey, we still haven't officially heard Aronofsky is directing Wolverine 2." It's been assumed, talked about, discussed, and even mentioned by the lead actor (Hugh Jackman), but we have yet to see official confirmation that the man signed on to direct a trainwreck...I mean, quality superhero film for 20th Century F-you. Chances are, he's just putting another film in the hopper, queuing it up for when he's finished with the mega-budget bonanza that nobody needs. Then again, maybe he's hedging his bets. I'm guessing the sticking point on that Wolvie 2 contract ain't money. I'm guessing it's a "Please don't force me to f**k up my movie at the last minute" clause, guaranteeing the studio can't come at him in the 11th hour with a note like "What if Wolverine suddenly could fly and fought Megan Fox?" Until they've worked out every issue, I remain leery that a guy who has yet to make even a modestly budgeted major studio film is going to agree to be their lap dog. We shall see. At least he has a backup if they balk.

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Is this comic movie bizarro day?

There is literally exactly ONE way I would be excited for X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Part Deux, and that's if Darren Aronofsky signed on to...MOTHERFU...are you kidding me right now? Darren Aronofsky is seriously circling this movie? For realz? What's next, Martin Scorsese doing Daredevil? Actually, that would be awesome, he should do that. Seriously though, this makes a measure of sense in the insanity: Hugh Jackman worked with DA on The Fountain, a criminally underrated visual poem that's dismissed as snooty when it's really gut-wrenchingly earnest. Plus, DA needs a bank-account-padder to keep making his crazy stuff. Beyond both of those, this guy seems to want to make a comic book movie. Between Batman and Superman, not to mention the non-comic-but-still-nerd-related Robocop saga he got embroiled in, it's clear this dude is determined to try something like this. My biggest concern is that he's working with the douche-legion at Fox. They so badly rogered that last Wolvie go-round that hiring the best director in the business right now is only moderately turning me on to the project. They are going to straight-up Kathy-Bates-in-Misery hobble him. The Japanese setting and bizarre mental backstory does allow some room for cool visual interpretation, but that's provided he gets a story that isn't as grotesque as Rush Limbaugh's politics. It's possible that this is somehow awesome, but it's definite that it's interesting. So kudos if this deal goes through, I will officially move the project from "Oh God, Oh God It Burns" to "Warning: May Cause Mental Diarrhea" in my list of upcoming movies.

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Well howdy, partners. Congratulations on surviving another week. I know that you only held on, white-knuckling the whole way, so that you can get here...to see my junk. It's cool, I'm glad you reached down and found a reason to keep on living, even if it's only to see movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant their own blog post that I package together and cleverly label with a euphemism that implies you'll see my genitals. To each his or her own, is what I say. Because it's not really stealing if you steal from your own facebook posts (I read that in Miss Manors...wait, nope, I made that up), I will summarize my experience in life lately with this quip: "This week was so bad that if it were a TV show, it would be 'According to Jim.' " So, needless to say, I'm glad we've made it this far.

As you know (I hope) by now, we begin the weekly investigation into my junk drawer by looking at the image above from Highlights Magazine FOR CHILDREN, which I think is terrifying for some reason. What we do is I select one item from the drawing, I make up a creepy story about it, and then I laugh. It amuses me. Today's item is the white smoke in the back of the drawer. What George and Carol didn't realize was that their seemingly innocent junk drawer had become home to the Smurgs, the real-life inspiration for the fictional Smurfs. Until their fictional blue cousins, these red creatures who only wear black shirts and no pants have no affinity for the mushrooms. However, they do rock the ganja pretty consistently, leading to the strange white cloud that contains a smell George and Carol can't quite put their finger on but makes them really hungry.

Okay, time to make the donuts. Here's the movie news that's too itty bitty for it's own post:

1.) If this is true...it's the best thing ever - People drop out of movies all the time. It happens. It's always over "scheduling conflicts." That's a publicist term for "one of the parties involved dropped a douchehammer." It's never scheduling conflicts. Sharlto Copely (District 9) dropped out of DJ Caruso's I Am Number 4 (based on the book by that liar who wrote that drug memoir and made Oprah feel bad) due to "scheduling conflicts." So, what's the truth? This is second-hand information, maybe third or fourth-hand by this point actually, but here's what FilmDrunk heard. Apparently, and this is what their source tells them exactly: Sharlto Copley “wanted to wear a prosthetic nose and fake ears like Spock and look like an alien.” Caruso pointed out that major plot points hinged on these aliens looking like people. Neither would give in, so Copely quit. He quit a major motion picture because he wanted to wear Spock ears. That is so fan-flipping-tastic that I don't even have words for it. There's no way to describe the joy it brings me that in the world we live in, people making millions of dollars will walk away from such money because they believe that their character would be best suited if he had a prosthetic nose. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you America.

2.) Okay, maybe THIS is the best thing ever.... - Variety is reporting that I will not be suffering through quite the Evangeline Lilly withdrawal that I thought. This lass so lovely that I find her attractive picking a wedgie with her tongue out, is apparently going to join the also newly-cast Anthony Mackie (The Hurt Locker) in Real Steel. It's a futuristic robot boxing movie, and yet somehow it already makes more sense to me and sounds more realistic than "Lost." The movie is supposedly a sports movie that just so-happens to involve robots. Hugh Jackman will play an ex-boxer who has a strained relationship with his son; they use the medium of a ridiculous sport to reconnect. Wait, so it's got Evangeline Lilly, fighting robots, and the plot from Over the Top?! This is going to be AWESOME!!!!

3.) But...what do them durn womern know about dem dere comic books? - If you're paying attention, you'll realize that this is sarcasm. Jane Goldman's script for Kick-Ass, which did closely follow the comic book but made some serious deviations at key moments, was arguably my favorite script for a comic book movie ever. Maybe The Dark Knight's was better, but I'm not entirely sure about that, considering a lot of that was in the performance and the whole "Gordan's dead" thing and all of "Two-Face" was weird. So, how do you like them apples: Goldman is reteaming with Matthew Vaughn to write the script for X-Men: First Class (which Vaughn is directing). Goldman also had a hand in Stardust, a terribly underrated gem of a movie. Sadly, Goldman and Vaughn are on a wicked tight schedule...the movie's supposed to come out NEXT YEAR. That's Crazytown, population: THIS FILM. This officially moves my excitement level for this flick from "Well, anything's better than that piss taste Ratner left in our mouths with X-Men 3" to "Someone who showed they know how to write for teenagers writing super-powered teenagers?! Awesome!" I'm more jazzed than the ghost of Bob Fosse.

4.) So, is it pronounced "gay king?" because if so, I'm in - I don't know what a robot Shogun warrior is, but I read a story on Ain’t It Cool News awhile back (that Slashfilm just reminded me of) about Gaiking, which I will pronounce as "Gay King" because I think that rules and there's not enough explicit embracing of the homosexual community by the medium of sci-fi/fantasy despite there being soooo much overlap. Anyway, these dudes were going to make a short film based on this 80s cartoon about robot Shogun warriors (mmm, crazy anime). Anyway, it was going to be included in the updated Heavy Metal movie, but now it's going to be a full film unto itself. Here's a little teaser for what it could look like.

What's apparently cool, is that the film apparently this is more "Voltron" than Transformers, in that as you can see there are human pilots. Supposedly the film has a script and stuff and will be hitting theaters before the Mayan apocalypse in 2012. That'd be swell. You know what's funny? Now that I'm posting this, I honestly don't remember if I already posted it in the past. If I did, just ignore it here. Or enjoy a second go-round with robotic warriors. I don't care. You're not paying for this anyway.

5.) Trailers, Parked - We've got some goodies in the bag this week, including what I think will be one of the biggest launches for one of my favorite hotties. Let's get to it.

I've mentioned that I'm looking forward to Easy A for several reasons, most of them involving aspects of Emma Stone. This trailer is almost totally perfect. I laughed out loud several times, I love the cast, I love the concept, I love everything. It was one Tom Cruise joke and "Poker Face" use away from perfect in my mind. I think this is the next Mean Girls, a smart movie for young ladies that will serve as a launching pad for tons of younger actors. Does it look predictable as far as events go? Yes. Does it have Stanley Tucci defending his daughter's honor by claiming she looks like a high-end stripper "for governors or athletes" Yes.

Easy A

Trailer Park Movies | MySpace Video

The Adjustment Bureau is based on a Philip K Dick short story, so it gets points for that. Also, it gets points for Matt Damon, and I know a few dudes who will totally give a point for Emily Blunt. I think it looks kind of Matrix-y and Inception-y, which is not by any means an insult. Hell, it reminds me most of Dark City, and I think that may be my favorite underrated sci-fi film ever. Give it a watch.


Finally, I ain't gonna lie...I have no idea about Detective Dee. It's a Hong Kong movie that Slashfilm recommended seeing the trailer for. I don't know what they're saying, I don't know what's happening, I don't know anything about. Now, I kind of want to see it. Visuals look goooood huh? Also, it looks weird. I like weird.



Okay, that's it. Now, be good to one another. I'll see you tomorrow!

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Ryan's Junk Drawer

Good morning, sinners. I can't take credit for that. That's how Warren Ellis (the comic writer, not the musician) greets his followers on Twitter. As I've said before, he also refers to his beard as a "hobo rape thicket," which is the creepiest description for facial hair not currently on Ben Affleck's face. As you know, today is Thursday (unless you didn't know...maybe I should have said SPOILER ALERT: Today is Thursday). That means it's the day that I expose my junk. By junk, I mean my movie tidbits that aren't big enough to warrant a post of their own. We begin each session of junk exposure by examining the image above of a creepy-ass junk drawer from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN) and picking one item out to make an insane backstory about. This time, we're going to choose the mysterious white substance in the middle of the drawer. Despite years of research proving that it was (A) both perfectly harmless and (B) delicious, Susan's invention, "Cocaine for Kids," was shot down by every investor available. Although packed with essential vitamins and nutrients, and only a very small amount of stimulant/hallucinogen, mainstream America was just too stubborn and refused to consider letting children snort the chemical cocktail. Susan's dreams of school lunchrooms where every toddler shoved kiddie-blow up their nose were just never meant to be.

Okay, enough preamble. Let's get on to the amble! Here's my junk for this week!!!!

1.) First Whedon, now Munn? Nerds REJOICE! - Before we get to the sexytime comic news you're thirsting for, a quick follow-up. It seems that Marvel reads my blog. Okay, fine, probably not. But at the very least, they arrived at the same bright idea I did, which was to let Joss Whedon take a crack at the Avengers screenplay above all else. He may do a good job directing...but he WILL do a good job writing the mega-comic movie. So, yippee, the Avengers may not suck. Actually, this leads perfectly to the next bit of nerd-vana. I'm told that nerds like this girl:
I can't see why. As you likely know, that's Olivia Munn who you know from G4's "Attack of the Show" (and from the many, many downloads of her picture on your boyfriend's/husband's computer). She loves geek things and had a small cameo in Iron Man 2, which was cut. Then they called her in and said that she needed to come back in and shoot something else for the movie, a role that she tweeted made her "an actual marvel character." The theory today has it that Munn may be playing the Wasp. Now, what I know of Munn's acting is mostly from that commercial where she plays the fortune teller. That's not a good sign. Still, how hard is playing the Wasp? Sure, if the character is in The Avengers, which she should be because she's a staple of the team in the comics, she'll have to deal with getting domestically abused by Ant Man. Until then, who cares if she only looks good in leather? Take this all with a grain of salt, as Munn could still be playing a much more minor role. Still, nerds have to be salivating over this prospect like they salivate over the thought of a world with no further human interaction.

2.) Butter sounds very good for me - Butter, which seems to have an awesome script AND an awesome casting director, just keeps landing big name talent. The film is both a satire of the 2008 Iowa Caucuses AND an opportunity for people to make tons of jokes about butter. Win-Win, I say. I'm going to go pictorial on your asses. Here's your cast so far:

Jennifer Garner

Ashley Greene

Olivia Wilde

Alicia Silverstone

Hugh Jackman

and (sexiest of all) Rob Corddry

How can you not want in on this one? A great script and a cast composed of every sexy person ever...and Rob Corddry?! This is one satire that I think has a real chance at making us all very, very happy.

3.) In the name of Kubrick, I declare thee awesome! - Given the uninspired, remake-heavy bullcrap we often suffer through, the prospect of getting a little new Stanley Kubrick on us is awesome. The late brilliant director keeps giving, as the treatment for Lunatic at Large, which was written for Kubrick in the 50s by Jim Thompson, is going to be made into a movie starring Sam Rockwell and Scarlett Johansson. It's drawing some comparisons to Shutter Island, but I don't care. This is literally as close as we can come to seeing Scarlett in a Kubrick movie. That makes me happy. I don't know who will end up directing it, but I hope it's someone with a degree of talent. When paired with good directors, Scarlett shines (Woody Allen, Sophia Coppola). When paired with bad directors....she sure is pretty. See?

4.) The last time they worked together, I cried a lot - I have never blubbered at a movie quite like I did at The Fountain. There were a lot of reasons why, but I still hold that at least part of the equation was Darren Aronofsky and Rachel Weisz (and Hugh Jackman) just absolutely committing to the material. Well, Aronofsky (who gets to sleep with Weisz EVERY NIGHT because they're married and stuff) is going to need that same level of commitment again, as Entertainment Weekly is reporting that he will direct his honey as she plays Jacqueline Kennedy in the days after her husband's assassination. Anyone smell the Oscars in the air? I do! First off, she can look the part (see below):
Second, he's got the talent to make this something more than a boring biopic. Third, the subject matter is still riveting. Look at that, a major movie that will get Oscar talk that is headlined by and almost entirely about a woman. Things have changed! I kid, of course, as just earlier this week Sigourney Weaver said the only reason James Cameron didn't win the Oscar is "he didn't have boobs," as in, Kathryn Bigelow only won because of her female status. Nope. She won because she did the best job directing. Oh, and if Cameron's loss had ANYTHING to do with genitalia, it isn't his lack of boobs, it's that he's a dick.

5.) Trailers, parked - Some fun ones this week, really, as we're going all comedy!

Ryan Reynolds' superhero obsession continues, as he plays a figment of Jeff Daniels' imagination in Paper Man, which probably won't be very good. It's played at numerous festivals to little praise, even though the trailer makes me want to see it.



Next up is The Other Guys, which as someone else put it is obviously the movie that Kevin Smith's Cop Out wanted to be. Will Ferrell has been seriously licking his wounds since his last few flops...here's hoping there's a second act to his career that begins with this.

Finally, we have an Annette Benning sighting. She only appears once a half decade before disappearing into the shadow of Warren Beatty. This time, she's a lesbian mom with Julianne Moore. I think the movie looks great, and is the type of entertainment we need to push acceptance of lesbian/gay families into the mainstream. Huzzah for The Kids Are All Right trailer!!!



That's it for this week. Sorry for all the salacious photos of scantily clad women and Hugh Jackman (and double apologies for Rob Corddry's picture). It just lent itself to that theme and I thought I'd run with it. Remember, celebration of hot celebrities doesn't mean I'm not still a staunch believer in gender equality and other important things! Happy Thursday!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

You know, when you don't get a day off for something like 18 days, they all just kind of blend into one big long day. What I'm trying to say is, I no longer know if this is a NEW Thursday or the same Thursday I just finished. Who's to say? What matters is not the uniqueness of this day, what matters is that it is the day upon which I give the world my junk. Obviously, by junk I mean tiny nuggets of movie news that don't warrant a full blog post, but I will admit that the word was carefully chosen so as to evoke the most titillating responses. I was going to go with Ryan's Juicy Nuggets or Ryan's Tender Tidbits, but those didn't sound nearly as suggestive as me being able to make junk jokes. As is our special tradition, we also begin by looking at an item contained within the creepy-ass junk drawer illustration above (from Highlights Magazine...FOR CHILDREN) and making up a totally whacked-out back story about it. Today's item is the green and red object in the lower right corner. Zacharias was never the most observant guy, but even he would feel foolish later when he realized that alien life had been living in his junk drawer for the past 17 years. He had wondered aloud quite often why the drawer seemed to squeal "Gleepglorp" every time he pulled it open to hunt for a battery but had never taken the time to notice the sole remaining survivor of the planet Spleckton's destruction cowering in the corner. Oh well, intergalactic life isn't as important as finding the Duracel that can power up the remote.

Now, on to this week's juicy nuggets...er, tender tidbits...er, EVERYBODY LOOK AT MY JUNK.

1.) I will diligently cover EVERY Rachel McAdams story...EVERY ONE EVER: Although he experienced a little surge recently (that sounds dirtier than I meant it to), I don't really have a deep abiding love for the recent Woody Allen. Oh, he got Scarlett Johansson to roll around semi-nude, which I appreciate (and, fine, the movie was pretty damn good too), but for the most part he just keeps making movies like a mediocre movie machine. Also, it is increasingly apparent that there's some kind of celebrity game that you can't win without appearing in an Allen film (my theory: Allen is the center square in celebrity career bingo). Case in point, THR is reporting that Rachel McAdams is joining the cast of Woody Allen's latest, which already features Owen Wilson and Marion Cotillard. You know, because you've been waiting to see Wilson and Cotillard share the screen since...never. So on the one hand, this news gives me the excuse to do this:
On the other hand, we're talking about Owen Wilson opposite two incredibly talented, lovely ladies. How does this keep happening? Damn you, Wilson. Damn you to hell. The Allen film is untitled at this point so it's being called "Untitled Woody Allen Project" and not "Untitled Ryan Syrek Project" like I asked. It is described as a romantic drama, as opposed to the Woody Allen written and directed torture horror movie or sci-fi action project you expected. Plan on a lot of talking and neuroses. Woody Allen: Making movies that college students think rule for 40 years.

2.) Wolverine 2 is happening. Gird your loins: There's no easy way to say this, but they've finished the X-Men Origins: Wolverine 2 script and they're going to start filming in January. Hopefully, they realize that they don't need the "X-Men Origins" part. Actually, what the hell am I saying, if I'm hoping, I'm hoping that they realize they don't need to make this movie at all. Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. As for the other movies, Hugh Jackman as Wolverine was AWESOME in X-Men 2. I'm over it. We're all over it. I don't advocate starting over with some kind of reboot, but Wolvie works better with others in my opinion and this current film, which will rape the memory of the Frank Miller-penned "Wolverine as a ninja" storyline, is poised to either shoe-horn in mutants who don't belong (a la the brutal, brutal use of Gambit and Deadpool in the last Wolvie movie) or leave just Wolverine and a bunch of ninjas. Now, that last one sounds cool, but this is a FOX project, which means the writers are likely to get notes like "can these ninjas be less ninja-y? Can they not wear masks or use swords? What if the ninjas were actually all vampires? Sexy teen vampires?!" Nobody is excited for Wolverine 2. You would think that would stop a studio from spending $150 million dollars, but it won't.

3.) Hurt Locker producer put in the...well, that's just too easy: The Oscars are this weekend, and I'm excited as shit. I downloaded not one but TWO apps on my iTouch to make predictions and do other totally nerdy things. I love it unabashedly because I realize that (A) this is not about honoring the actual best film of the year, something that's impossible to do because me and my best friend can't agree on what that movie is so why we blame the Oscars for not getting it right is beyond me and (B) I like guessing who will win and watching people have emotional moments on stage. It's kind of a thing for me. Anyway, one person who will not be watching in person is Nicholas Chartier, because his ass got tossed out of the ceremony like the drunk girl dancin' on tables with her booby out gets tossed out of an Applebees. See, Chartier sent emails begging for votes, which is okay, but specified he wanted people to vote for The Hurt Locker and not "a $500 million" movie, which was obviously targeting Avatar. Now, as Nikki "Douchie Douchie" Finke points out, a TON of people do this. Chartier just got caught. He was turned in, likely by one of the people FROM his film, because apparently he caused some tension on the set. Whatever. I think this sucks. You let people spend millions taking out ads that say VOTE FOR ME but a guy sends an email and he gets kicked out? Maybe if he offered a blowie to people who voted for him, but not for asking for votes. Stupid. Combine this with the sudden and surprising bad press for the film (military people saying it "isn't realistic" and someone threatening to sue because the film was based on them) that just HAPPENED to come out right when votes were due, and you get me staring at Harvey Weinstein. I know popular theory is that James Cameron and his Avatar posse are the likely conspirators trying to bring down the front runners in order to win, but that's not true. I honestly believe that an egomaniac like Cameron both thinks (A) he's above the award and (B) that he's probably going to win already. Hell, he was the one saying "go ahead and give the director trophy to Katherine" like HE gets to decide it. No, the real person behind this is OBVIOUSLY Weinstein, who has waged campaigns like this before. His thought is that if The Hurt Locker is taken down a peg and people think Avatar is behind it that Inglourious Basterds may squeeze through. This sounds crazy, but I'm pretty sure I'm right. See, the Oscars are crazy fun, right?

4.) Tim Burton branches out!: Ha! Wouldn't that be hilarious?! Wouldn't it be great if he actually DID branch out? Like, he adapted a courtroom drama or a sci-fi movie or something? No, he's not going to do anything like that. He and Timur Bekmambetov are going to team up to adapt Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, which is so boringly appropriate for Burton that I can't stand it. He's going to cast Johnny Depp as Lincoln, you just know it, and despite the book sounding like a bit of wacky fun (it is by the peeps behind "Pride and Prejudice and Zombies" and follows the idea that Lincoln was...well, seriously, it's right there in the title), the movie is going to be the same old boring retread we've seen again and again and again from Burton. I would go on, but this video says everything I would say far funnier than I would say it.



5.) Trailers, parked: A few new ones this week, but nothing too exciting. First up is the next Disney flick, which combines classic and CGI animation to hit up a princess story I can't believe hasn't already been covered. Rapunzel is going to get her big-screen showcase, finally, and I can't help thinking this is going to pale in comparison to the lively, fun, and inspiring Princess and the Frog, which I fully intend on owning. This first clip is just that, a tiny clip, but it gives a little about the movie's feel and you get to hear some voice acting, which is fine. Enjoy!

Tangled


The second movie looks a little more inspired. Despite starring people that I didn't think were making movies anymore for various reasons, The Jonses looks like it may have a little sass in the tank. Clever concept, interesting trailer, and some low-budget appeal has me thinking that I may actually be somewhat excited to check this out. I'm just as surprised as you are.

The Jonses


Okay, that's it for my junk this week. Stare good and hard at it. We'll be back tomorrow for a rousing end of the week hoopla!

Ryan's Junk Drawer

Folks, I know I bitch often and loudly about it being a "slow news week." The next time I do that, remind me about the nightmare that was the week ending on October 2. It has been slower than Juliette Lewis's character from The Other Sister, slower than a Detroit Lions running back, slower than the hour between 4 and 5 on Fridays at work, slower enough to justify me making repetitive jokes about how slow it is that really aren't funny at all. Wowza. So, without further ado (because making ado about this stuff seems pointless), here's the top 5 stories that couldn't make it into a full blog post on a week that was slower than a one-legged racehorse (sorry, I'm stopping).

1.) Feel the blurry sting of the Green Hornet's costume! - From Splash News (via CHUD...via Slashfilm), I now give to you: The Green Hornet costume (complete with dapper vest and fedora).

Personally, I would have opted for the outfit on the left. Seriously, blow their minds a little and dress a superhero up in nondescript gray T-shirt and hat combined with a pink neckerchief and swine flu mask. Can I just ask why it is that random set person gets a swine flu mask (or dust mask, whatever) and Seth Rogen is forced to stand there with his hands on his hips like he's the sassiest Sally at the party? Just sayin', he's the franchise.

2.) Hugh Jackman has abs (and brains) of steel - As much as I like Hugh Jackman (and, again, that is mathematically 1/100th of the amount my wife likes him), he has to have the shittiest agent in the world. I'm not kidding you, my only guess is that his agent is Jackman's paint chip eating brother who got the gig because Hugh pities him so much. "Oy, oy, oy, mate, you can be my agent, brotha." See, he's Australian, so apparently he talks like that in my mind. As if we needed further proof of his agent's stupidity, Variety is reporting the chest-hair bearer is going to star in Real Steel, which is directed by Shawn Levy, who is the asshole who directed Cheaper By the Dozen, The Pink Panther, and both Night at the Museum movies. I know, how can his next film possibly suck? The movie is about an ex-fighter who becomes a robot boxing promoter (yep, you read that right) and takes a discarded robot to the top while bonding with his 13-year-old son. If this idea were any more revolting, we'd declare it a terrorist.

3.) Apocalypse forthcoming, Uwe Boll makes non-terrible movie - Slashfilm, Film School Rejects, and Film.com, among others, have been making the disturbing argument that the latest film from Uwe Boll, director of House of the Dead, Bloodrayne, Alone in the Dark, and many more terrible, terrible movies, may have accidentally made a movie that isn't among the worst in recorded history. This is sad because the one thing that united all of humanity was a general agreement that Boll was the world's worst director. Can't see eye to eye with a political opponent? You both agree Boll is the worst. You and your family can't agree on anything? Wrong-o, you all agree Boll is the worst. Both Israelis and Palestinians hate Uwe Boll. And now...now Fantastic Fest is abuzz that Rampage may not be awful. Nobody is saying it's "good," but just not being awful is enough to cause sadness. Here's the trailer for you to judge for yourself.


4.) Predators apparently has a script? - Latino Review, who I just don't talk about enough despite their awesome, awesome, awesome work, has a video review up at that link talking about the Predators script. Apparently, it's not the worst thing in the world, as it's going to be hard R-rated (at least until the studio effs it up) and has a clear kinship with the original...which is good if you loved the original. I'm not going to say more because they really say it all, but check it out and then poke around their site. They're good folks.

5.) Metropia trailer is nightmare-licious! - I don't have a lot to say about this other than, if you watch it, you'll both want to see the movie and get a new pair of pants. Somewhere between terrifying-for-all-the-wrong-reasons and terrifyingly awesome is Metropia, which I'm pretty sure is going to haunt you for the rest of the day. Enjoy!

Why it sucks that I can't help but watch the next Wolverine movie

I like Hugh Jackman...not as much as my wife does (if I did, it would require a serious reevaluation of our marriage). I like Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. I do not like the last few movies with Hugh Jackman as Wolverine. Why? As near as I can figure, there is some guy at Fox studios (read: F**ks studios) whose job is to shit-up the character. I don't know how you can look at the body of Wolverine's appearances in comics and come up with the steaming hot pile of bantha poodoo that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine, a name that is only slightly more mentally inept than the film itself. Lord have mercy, how do you mess that up?! It's for this reason that I do not care that Jackman told MTV that they are moving the inevitable sequel to Japan and are looking to pull from the Frank Miller-crafted "Wolverine" miniseries that pretty much defined the character. I mean, on the surface it sounds good, but that surface is a liar. Some suit at F**ks will undoubtedly want "more action" or "more superheroes" in it, and it will lose the cool elements that made Wolverine into the most beloved anti-hero for the last 15-20 years. There just isn't enough explosions in the comic version to satisfy the asshats at F**ks, and there's no way they're going to actually follow a story that develops the character of Wolverine, because they don't care about such drivel. If they were interested in doing this right, they would hire on a talented Asian director, employ someone like John Sayles to do the script, and leave all of the extra super-badguys out of it. As it stands, they will likely have McG direct from an Akiva Goldsman script and somehow include Lex Luthor. Oh, and I'm still going to see it, which really pisses me off.

Hugh Jackman still can't see why gay rumors follow him, agrees to star in new musical

I don't know if Hugh Jackman is gay, I just know that it won't change anything for my wife if he is. It's like some kind of crazy sexuality profiling mystery, I mean for every Wolverine, there is a "Viva Las Vegas"...hell, for every Wolverine there is a Wolverine come to think of it. Point is, if he is gay, I wish he would come out because having an incredibly masculine action movie star that happens to be gay would greatly help against stereotyping. Not helping with the stereotyping is his decision to chase down yet another musical endeavor, as Variety is reporting that the hirsute hunk is going to star as PT Barnum in a song-and-dance version of The Greatest Show on Earth. The original version with Charlton Heston was on one night at my in-laws house when I had insomnia and my father-in-law had fallen asleep with the remote in an "inaccessible region." It was one of the worst movies I have ever seen and if you say otherwise, I'm going to need to see a doctor's certification of your sanity and check your NRA status. Twentieth Century Fox, who is in the habit of ruining good movies and making ones that were bad from the start, is producing the contemporary musical that will supposedly be more Moulin Rouge than Sweeney Todd. Supposedly, the studio is in talks with British songbird Mika to write music and lyrics (they should check with Regina Specktor too...okay, I'm now realizing that I can't mock Jackman anymore for this endeavor). Supposedly, the female lead is being written for the gorgeous Anne Hathaway, who proved she could sing it up at the Oscars last year...with Hugh Jackman (it all comes full circle). So, what have we learned today?

1.) I shouldn't speculate about sexuality when I intimately know the works of Regina Specktor.
2.) Anne Hathaway is hot
3.) Hugh Jackman is going to star in a role that Charlton Heston once held (I really want to read that sentence quick enough to make it look like Hugh Jackman wanted to hold Charlton Heston)
4.) Fox studios is dumb.
5.) I may actually like this musical.

That's all.