Ryan's Junk Drawer

Good morning you sexy basterds (FYI: it's how all the cool cats are spelling it these days, like how everybody in the 90s called burgers "Royale with cheese"...or at least I did). It's Thursday, which means your spirit is just about crushed from the work week and yet it isn't even Friday! Hooray! To make it up to you as best I can, today's the day we peek in my "junk drawer," a clever euphemism for news tidbits too tiny to take up their own post but still worth mentioning. It's a euphemism because I spend the rest of the day walking up to friends and asking "did you see my junk today" and finding strangers and saying "you look like a kind person, I would like to entertain you with my junk." Also, every Thursday (though I've never heard a soul mention whether or not they like it), we explore the drawer in the image above (which is from Highlights Magazine for Children...FOR CHILDREN) and come up with some creepy thing about it. Also, I apparently use the royal "we" a lot on Thursday. Anyhoodle, today's eerie thing from the image above is the poisonous cloud of white gas emanating from the drawer. Paulie thought that if he hid the airborne Ebola virus in the kitchen, no one would ever find it. His incorrect assumption cost the lives of Maine.

Okay, and now on to this week's junk!

1.) The dead have risen, and I loves it! - AMC makes the insanely popular awards magnet "Mad Men," which I have deemed unwatchable despite assurances from every single person I know (hey, I gave it a chance but that shit was like Ambien...sexist Ambien). The only reason I mention this is context, because the station seems to have a grasp on quality material (even if I disagree). This is good because THR announced AMC has picked up a TV series based on the brilliant comic book series "Walking Dead."
It's a no-brainer, really (get it...zombies eat brains). The series is practically a pre-made TV show, complete with storyboards. Far more character-based than zombie-based, I can see this being a huge smash hit, especially with Frank Darabont directing the pilot. For zombie enthusiasts who have somehow not read the book, it's a typical survival plot, but the zombies are slow movers and the humans aren't one-dimensional. I am so excited for this that it almost makes me forgive everyone handing awards to "Mad Men" because they think they're supposed to.

2.) Boy had they better not screw this up - If it's up to me, I don't make an MLKJR biopic. I just don't. Period. His words are the only legacy that's needed and a biopic will incite people who feel it is too glowing or too damaging. Oh, yeah, and most biopics are boring as shit. Far more boring than watching a documentary where Dr. King plays Dr. King. I see no benefit in fictionalizing the life of the single most important civil rights leader and speaker in American history when we are all acutely aware of his impact. I mean, oh yeah they're going to do it, but I wouldn't if it were me. Variety just announced that Ronald Harwood is penning the script. He won an Oscar for writing The Pianist. He also penned Mandela and Cry, Beloved Country, two films focused on race. He's also white. I don't think that should necessarily matter, but I don't think they should be making it, so it more speaks to my point that this is a can of worms that should stay canned. The only film sanctioned by King's estate, the stakes are high on this...so high that I can't believe it's going to happen. Steven Spielberg is producing (and maybe directing), which is good news, but seriously...there are better ways to preserve the man's legacy.

3.) Wacky Brits, Avatar isn't right - The nominees for the BAFTA Awards, famously referred to as the British Oscars (which I imagine is a fairly insulting nickname), have been announced. As Slashfilm.com points out, these are actually a decent predictor of Academy Award nominations, due to their position on the calendar. Quick side note, do you like how everybody pretends they don't care about the Oscars but then mentions every award show in their context and still describes performances as "likely to score a nomination." Me? I'm up front. I love the stupid ceremony. I love everything about it even though I know it sucks. What's interesting about the BAFTA nominations, which you can view here? Well, Avatar is everywhere. District 9 racked up some serious love, and nobody in England saw The Blind Side (poor, poor Sandra...who I still think may win an Oscar...shudder). This reminds me, I know I didn't talk much about the Golden Globes, mostly because I was traveling at the time, but also because they sucked. Ricky Gervais was tepid; Avatar, Sandra Bullock, and "Mad Men" won; and Robert Downey Jr scores a win...for Sherlock Holmes?! It was the People's Choice Awards, really. Anyway, Oscar nods come out soon and I am super-interested. Also, this week will debut my top 10 films of 2009 list, so look for that. Or don't, just don't tell me if you don't because that will hurt my little feelers.

4.) My greatest fears, realized - Devin from Chud.com has a great write-up of why the new Spider-man is going to suck balls. All of the balls. Between the $80 million budget (which would barely cover an Ant-Man movie), news that the focus won't be on "fighting villains" but "teenaged romance," and the fact they're going with "young unknowns," he safely concludes that we are watching the Twilight-ing or "Smallville"-ing of my favorite character ever. For those who wondered why I carried such rage at Twilight, this is why. Because Hollywood is a lame-ass, copycat town with no new ideas, so when they see shit like Twilight turning lead into gold (or $50 million into $700 million worldwide), they assume they should do the same. Oh, and they are making it an origin story, which is the worst part. God this is demoralizing. It's like watching a loved one get poop thrown at their face by a monkey in a cage and all you can do is yell "you stupid monkey, you leave my loved one alone." But the monkey just keeps flinging poop. The monkey just KEEPS FLINGING THE POOP. Ugh.

5.) Trailers parked - A few interesting gems this week. First up is the MacGruber

I have to say that I kind of want to see it now. In part because fat Val Kilmer as a villain makes me more excited than skinny Val Kilmer made most women (and men). Seriously, "I was talking to the missile" was perfectly delivered. Perfectly. Also, Kristen Wiig looks great. Color me shocked, but this is looking more like Austin Powers than Superstar.

Next up is Buried, which stars Ryan Reynolds as a dude who is...um...buried.



I may not be able to watch that, as I am TERRIFIED of being buried alive. TERRIFIED. Like, more scared of that than watching a full segment of Glenn Beck. That's serious. I'm not sure how they're going to make a whole movie last of this, but I said the same thing about Phone Booth...oh yeah, that kind of sucked. I do like Reynolds, and I am slightly intrigued. So, let me know if it's good because I may vomit in the theater.

Okay, that's my junk for this week. Hope you had fun with my junk, I know I did.