Thursday, March 18, 2010

Ryan's Junk Drawer

"Junk Drawer"

First off, let me congratulate you for surviving to see another Thursday. It ain't easy to do these days, so nice job still being alive. Second, welcome to another round of me exposing my junk to the world. Of course, by junk, I mean movie news that isn't big enough to warrant a full blog post (and a euphemism for male reproductive anatomy...teeheehee). As is our special tradition, we begin by looking at the creepy junk drawer image above, taken from Highlights Magazine (FOR CHILDREN). We pick out one item from above, make up a story about it that is nonsense, and then get to the movie stuff. Today's item is the screw in the middle. Julie knew that her husband's life ambition was to complete his full-size replica of the Millenium Falcon. She also knew that, having completed this hobby, his life would lose all meaning and he would likely kill himself in some semi-humiliating way (not autoeroticasphyxiation but maybe trying to crawl inside a Llama like a Tauntaun). So you see, she had to hide the screw. She had to hide it so that he couldn't attach the rear thrusters. It was for his own good.

Okay, enough tomfoolery and shenanigans, let's get to my junk.

1.) I always say "McGGGGGGG" like "KHAAAAAAN!!!" - My nemesis and hater of all things good, McG, is getting ready to direct nubile young starlet Amanda Seyfried, right at the point in her career where she either disappears into bimboism or surges into quality-actress status. Seyfried, shown here with ridiculous ears on:
is looking to get all McG-d in The Girl Who Conned the Ivy League, which will either be shortened to The Ivy League or The Girl Who Conned or X-Men Origins: Girl Conner. It's a total rip off of Catch Me if You Can, in that it's about a girl who scams her way through various identities while on the run from an FBI guy. Oh, except it's based on a Rolling Stone article, so I guess that a real person ripped off Catch Me if You Can in real life. Damn you, DiCaprio, your movies ruin lives. Actually, I think McG's movies have done more to erode society. Careful, Ms. Seyfried, you sure are purty, but if you McG yourself after doing a Nicholas Sparks movie already I may have to move you into the Keira Knightley category.

2.) Something blue this way comes... - The Smurfs is happening. I know, it sucks, but you should just brace yourself because there's no stopping it at this point. Neil Patrick Harris has already been cast as one of the live-action humans, and now we're getting a slew of Smurfy voice actors. EW reports that Hank Azaria will voice Gargamel (interesting, because Gargamel was always a why would he need to be voiced...unless the producers felt that he was too much of a rampant, awful Jewish stereotype to be played by an actual person...seriously, look that shit up). Also voicing folks are Katy Perry (attractive, largely-talentless singer), Jonathon Winters (who will voice Papa Smurf), Alan Cumming, and George Lopez (who is SURE to make some kind of Hispanic joke despite being a blue hallucination). Rumors had Quentin Tarantino voicing Brainy Smurf, which almost made me want to see this movie, but then I remembered that I'm not 10 and I don't drop acid or eat mushrooms. So, nevermind.

3.) Conan the confusing cast - If I cared about Conan's reboot, I would be mystified at the amount of weird casting and uncasting going on. Slashfilm has a good, comprehensive write-up of the mess, which includes the fact that Mickey Rourke has been replaced by Ron Perlman (which is a good trade in my's like getting the cool without the batshit crazy), Steven Lang (the angry military dude who was the best part of Avatar) is in, and most notably Rose McGowan has been added to the cast. I would put a picture of her here, but everything on the internet has her business hanging out either in the front or the back. She was going to play Red Sonya, but then her relationship with Robert Rodriguez bit the dust, so now she's been added to Conan as someone OTHER than Red Sonya. This means (A) she won't likely be playing two characters in the same universe, so Red Sonya is out for her and (B) she must really love Conan for some reason. Seriously, how do you get involved in TWO Conan projects in the year 2010? That's just crazy. Anyway, this movie sounds like a mess. It may be fun, but I'm not getting my hopes up.

4.) See, I told you - I know some people were offended by me bagging on Tim Burton heavily lately, but that douche deserves it. Further proof: He's going to ruin stop-motion animation for me. After guiding The Nightmare Before Christmas to absolute perfection, he's now done a weird retread with The Corpse Bride and now this...he's going to direct a stop-motion remake of a remake of a TV show. Yep, he's doing The Adams Family. I bet he doesn't even go to the set. Why would he need to? Everybody knows what he's going to say and do, what his "vision" is for the totally awful sounding project, why even bother going. Just send a note that says "Dear animators, make this look like every other thing I've ever done and tell Johnny I said Hi when he comes in to do the voice acting." If Johnny Depp DOESN'T voice Gomez Adams and if Helena Bonham Carter DOESN'T voice Morticia, I will officially be flabbergasted. And by flabbergasted, I don't mean my body will do that sick-ass jig that Burton made Depp's body do in Alice in Wonderland. I wonder if the Adams' house will be crooked? I wonder if Danny Elfman will do the score? Here's the best thing involving Tim Burton lately (one more time):

5.) Trailers, parked - A few new ones.

First up, here's one for the ladies. I mean that in a really positive way. I know a lot of women who were inspired and moved by "Eat, Pray, Love" and the trailer for the movie looks good. It does. I don't care if that makes you think less of me, I want to see it. Most importantly, I think it will be a quality adaptation for those who wanted it badly. Here's the preview.

Next up is a sneak peak at Predators, for the fellas. Let's face it, we all thought this franchise was double dead after Danny Glover killed it and then Paul WS Anderson pooped on it with AVP. Turns out, you can go home again. Also, does anyone else have the desire to laugh upon seeing Oscar-winner Adrian Brody fighting Predators? I do.

Finally, there's Four Lions, which is the ballsiest comedy concept I've EVER heard of. Seriously, there's ballsy, and then there's making a movie where the central characters are Jihadists who are looking to blow something up. You parody both the anti-terrorists AND the terrorists? That's The trailer made me laugh, too. This is going to explodify the mind of all Fox News folks, so that's another bonus. Here's the clip.

<a href="" target="_new" title="Four Lions - Trailer">Video: Four Lions - Trailer</a>

Okay, that's it. I've now done an insane amount of catch up writing, so go back to doing whatever it is you were doing and I'll see you for Friday tomorrow.

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